Plans for the next ..

I am.
As always. .making my way to whatever comes next.
I am making deliberate mistakes to see if the results will be the same..or some variation..
I am still looking for someone or something. .
I know it won't hit me over the head.. those days are gone..long gone. Yes.. you did..and yes I appreciated it so much.. to be seen..recognized.. but just the wrong time..
I have had similar experiences. .but none as close..
So here I am..
Looking for the one..
Just one that could accept me ..let me share their existance..
Someone to be happy to share any amount of time with..
But to have ..one..I could share my free time with..on a daily basis.. nothing else in my day would matter. It would all depend on my day ending with you. Nothing else would matter.. I would be happy to be home..it would work each day..to complete my day..to be home..

So.. I feel..as always. .I messed something up..
I either did not do something..or I did something that was wrong.. or not right.. did I ..or didn't I???

So..once again.. I am second guessing..all I have done..
I have tried to be respectful and me.. but all the time..wishing I was bolder..more matter of fact..
Yes.. tease me..and I will not restrain.. you may get what you need and me what I want..instead of being polite..being happy..
Not that knowing, I have not crossed that line, isn't important..but..if you tell me..you can't. .or won't. . I dont.. I want to.. But..that isn't me..I won't.
Then for days..I am wondering if I should have pressed..asked..begged.. instead.. I am alone and frustrated..

So what do I do.. ??
I consider and.. wonder.

So here I am.. just as always.. and still alone.
I am just too old for this.
But..I am thinking.. it is what it is and has been..
Nothing will change it.. no matter how hard I try..
If I change to the opposite of me..or stay the same..
I am here. Next to me. Alone.
Too old for those I identify with. .too young for those that get me..

I had chances..sometimes took chances.. over and above the me I am comfortable with..some will be remembered for ever and ever..the ones that let me love them. Helped me help them..
And those that loved me in spite of me.. or even in addition to us..

I usually figure I missed my chances.

So I must be alone.

Nothing next..

R 5/11/17

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