Ouch!.. I said..stop kicking me....

Really...just kidding.
If you keep kicking me.. I know that you know I am still here.
As always..
I feel I have some projects to complete..
Time to waste..
I have been doing it for so long.. it seems like it is a requirement.
Just go on, like a robot. Same old ..
I find ways to get up and do the next .. keep on..
I need to investigate...look for opportunities. .and follow up.
I have been focused on completing tasks.. without thoughts of advancement..recognition.. I don't need a trophy. .but..if recognition will allow me to get an advancement to a market closer to home. I will consider it.. I have equity and could accept the pay raise..
I could 'adjust' to living on the east coast.. maybe...
Lol..
But.. no one would want me there.. I would be so alone..
Lol..
Yes, this is the sarcasm section.
Those that know me.. will wonder.
Those that do...please encourage me...
I need that push..
A reason ..

Do not tease me..

On second thought.. please... tease me..
But don't be surprised when I follow through.

.. :)

Well.. I guess I am old enough to not need to be a monk..
I struggle with it.. decision..and decisions...
I know what I should be doing.. I just don't have that as an option..

I know what I need and want..
I have neither available to me.

Yet.. I still try..
And hope..
R 5/30/17

posted from Bloggeroid

What a long weekend.

Well that did not go at all as planned.

I think if I ever get a tatoo..that is what it will say.

This weekend..was interesting.
On the plus.. I did mow the lawn..and trimmed the weeds..
Fixed a few electronic items..

The rest was.. fun.

I got my debit card given to a stranger.. and worried for 2 hours..
Ended up canceling my main debit card and going home without it.
Getting it the next day.. got called at 5 am on Monday..just to ask if they hit the on button... then later..to reset a computer..then write a procedure how to do it.

I spent 2 hours waiting for my debit card..the comedy club turned into a hip hop club for those 2 hours.. fun.

So... lots of work .. lots of stress..
I am thinking..I will be glad to be back to work.

This week.. I have camera modifications.. and equipment to receive.. and the studio upgrade starts this week.

I have not heard about my friends funeral arrangements. .
I should go. I will try.

My friend was amused about this weekends events.. and I have not scared them away.. but am doubtful it will progress into much.
Just a time passing exercise.
I was asked ..
'what attracted you to me..why did you come over and talk to me?'
..honestly.. someone I trust suggested it.. so I did.. you did not tell me to go away.. and you talked to me...and let me talk to you...you did not tell me to go away and leave.

I am not sure if that is pathetic..and desperate. ..
Or something else.

I have something to bring .. but no one wants it.
'Im not worthy'
I guess I m a little pathetic.. and desperate..
Just a little. ..

No one has ever beaten down my door ... asking me to love them.
I have always had to prove my love..beg for consideration. .
Usualy to be left alone..wondering what I did or did not do..why I was not worthy.. why I sucked..
Really..that is what I ask myself.. what is wrong with me??
Why am I the perfect guy..but never the 'one' ?

Wrong time..
Wrong place. .
Too far..
Not enough..
Too good to be true..

..pathetic. .wrong... ugly.. useless.. worthless..
Not acceptable. .not accepted by all..

Never by the one. .. that matters.

Just another cut..
A cut with a really sharp..instrument..
One that you never feel..you just find the wound.
And realize.. you are bleeding..
You find it hurts..as you see why you are bleeding. ..
It ends up that you are the one to blame..
Your choices..what you tried to persue...
That you are not entitled to..
Just not worthy.


Really..what is different.

Still me.
I have to wonder.. .
I must be the problem.. it has to be me.
I make bad choices..
I reach out to that I am not worthy of..
Out of my league.
That beautiful woman.
I am let in..to remind me..that I cannot have... never accepted..or worthy..
That is why. . If someone is willing to listen to me..and all my boring stories.. Insights. Therories...and the like.. will capture my attention.
Make me think.

Yes..this is beer and alcohol running my mind to push the text...
The brain dump.

I am in a place...
I have decisions to make that will determine my immediate future..and hapiness and sanity..

Just hold me at arms lenght..
Is that really what you want?
Remember it has been done before.

I never forget the love in my life.

Just stop. Kicking me.

R 5/30/17

posted from Bloggeroid

Long weekend ahead.

Yet..I have a tense morning to look forward to.. I scheduled a confrontation with 2 employees..to ask why they are not doing their job.. why are they putting me in this place..where I need to ask..
They are skilled..and know the rules.. know what they are required to do..
Just not doing it.. making a possibility for more issues.
Avoiding the simple solution..and causing the required meeting.

Then beyond that..a status meeting and on the spot questions that 'i don't know' will not be a valid answer..but I think we have successfully made our deadline for this week.. and have the long weekend and a few days to begin the next task.

Personally.. I am looking at a new friendship..inside this new circle..
And thinking it is a way to head into summer and not be pathetically alone. Like most past summers. But it is slow and I am cautious..
As always..I fear the pain of failure and rejection.. and double check all I do and say.
It began as a suggestion..and I was in the correct frame of mind.. and I stepped out of me..and just accepted that I should begin something. I did not even think about it. Just moved over and started talking. It was natural.
If it goes beyond.. just talking over drinks and pool.. it may be a way to have something to do for the summer.

Historically.. I usually am alone for the summer..
3 exceptions.. 2 were fantastic.. the 3rd.. ho hum..
20 yrs of ho hum..
The first..made me hopeful..those many years ago..
The last.. confirmed I could have happy during a summer..
Yet..I am skeptical. . I don't think I can duplicate 2yrs ago..

I am a loser..I will always lose..and I have accepted that so long ago..that I wonder why it is still a suprise.

At this point in my life..I can do what I want.. I can do anything.
I would do anything to be happy.
Usually that means making someone important to me happy..
When they glow, I light up! I burn bright..
I would do anything to see the smile that lights up my day..even just to feel it..that makes my heart burst and that smile you could not wipe away appears.. to feel that way on a daily basis..
..
heaven...
..
But..
Never worthy.. just not enough.

Yes.. you are beautiful.
I am not.
You are young..
I am not.

Seems to be what I realize..
Just not worthy..

Unfortunately. .I gauge my life between the fantasy and real life..
I usually figure wrong..and lose..
The sad part is I always hope to be happy.
History..kicks me..repeatedly. .
Which makes me gun shy..apprehensive. . Guarded..
Just to be hurt again.
I don't do half way.. all or not.

I always forgive..and rarely to my benefit.
Except to my psyche. .
Do no harm..to anyone but my heart..

So .. here I am again.
Just lost.. alone..
I have 2 months of corporate impressions to make..then.. the choices will be mine..I hope.. or I can just start over..or fade away.

All those years of planning in my head..just to be surprised..to be here..now..with what I ended up with.

Disappointing.

I guess .. it is what it was meant to be.

Kick me.. remind me..
Ignore me..
I am used to it..

All I have to do is remember my past..
And lo and behold..
Been there..done that.. the pain is the same.. .. funny..and a shame I let it happen again.
All my fault.

Yes.. I am a dick.. and it hurts exactly the same.

Do not explain.. leave it to me.
I will do it badly.

It does hurt.

I hurt.

Really..what can I do..or say?

I know..I blew it. Not sure how..but I know I did.

Good night..

R 5/25/17

posted from Bloggeroid

Busy

I have many things that keep me busy.
Things that occupy my time.
Most are required...to do's..
Some are there just to pass the time. . Things that can develop int time stealers.. things that I do because it can be better than being responsible..
My life as it is..has made me do things I must do to stay happy..
Not overjoyed.. bursting with glee. But not head in the oven..
My life has been tolerable.. if it was not for those things I find enjoyment in..or that give me purpose.. or even those things that give me personal satisfaction..that no one understands fully..
With out those..I would have lost it long ago.

The new people in my circle are keeping me sane..
I am still in the acceptance stage..
For them and me..
It's a I'm not sure yet mode for all ...

I have been busy with work..and news of my friends passing is another hard thing to deal with.

I am dealing with me.. and my place at work and home..and in my distressed mind. It is not as bad as it seems in my blog..
But I do vent the things I cannot express to other humans in person.
My confidant is busy with other things than my troubles..
Understandably.. I am not a priority.. I cannot ask for special exceptions. I don't have the right.

Bill and Ted reference
'Im not worthy'

I need to find that distraction.. mentioned before..

You know..I have many mental fantasies. . Possibilities I could or should persue. .usually only in my mind..and situations I could never figure out how. .in my waking mind..
(Easily talked out of..by the voices in my head)
Just to miss out in the end.

I should have ..
Is a phrase in my catalog..

Unfortunately. .one I have uttered too many times..and usually too late..

So.. I need to plan a visit for a funeral..
I do not know when..but soon.. I missed the last one.. and need to go.. for many reasons.. mainly sanity.. and support.

I need to buy a suit coat.
I have none.

Me and my issues..do not matter...to anyone but me.

I need to just..give in..
Stop looking. .stop being me for a moment..
Look arround and see what I am doing to me..

So.. just being busy..
Keeping the lines open..
Trying to see ..
Trying not to ignore those around me..
And trying to stay up front in the minds of those not around me..

Losing as always..

R 5/25/17

posted from Bloggeroid

Nexts..

Well I guess I need to work on figuring out what I should be doing.
I have been doing this.. being me.. for so long.. I think I have figured out this.. what I have been doing for all these years...
Is the reason I am here.. in this place in my life.
Grasping for those that want me in their life. Begging and hoping to find anyone that wants me around.
I am back to where I was..and have always been.
Pathetic and lonely.. I have given up..
Those I love have discarded me.. for every reason..
Been there many times.. history repeats..
I know I am just as responsible as those that let me in their lives.
I have been very fortunate to find beautiful people that allowed me in.. just to find a reason to let me go.. some did and did not look back..some hung in for a little but ended up finding the next excuse to let me be alone.
I still don't understand. . If I was the one no one compares to.. why am I not worthy..??
It cannot be that great if you can walk away and not look back..while I sit and wonder..
My life over and over..
Left wonering..
It has to be me...
I keep doing it.. it keeps happening.
I have to be messing it up..
I just cannot keep the one I want..
I just don't deserve that kind of happy.

So....
I am back to trying to be me by myself.. and trying not to be pathetic.

Even though..if I examine me.. I feel that way.

It is what it is..

You know..if you have the same thing happen to you over and over..
By different people..
Doing the same..
With the same results..
It must either be my choices or me.

After all this time..
It must be me.
I cannot have what I want... need.. deserve..
Just not for me.

I am not worthy.
At least for me.

Just out of my league.

........

So to switch away from my personal misery. .

Good bye my friend.
I heard tonight.
You have left us.
You are missed by your true friends.
You were a person I met in my formative years.. and I had respect for your insights. You helped me without trying.
I am happy to say you were my friend.

Good bye.

R 5/24/17

posted from Bloggeroid

Ok what next?

Here I am.
I have been busy with work.
I have to decide what to do.
A few things need to change.
Some need to get better.
Some just need an upgrade.
I should act on a few things.

I could .. should I ?

Choices I can make for myself and choices I wish I had.
Still not where I figured I would be at this point in my life.

Right now..my work is up.. I am ..in my opinion.. doing well.
I do my job.. I dont have many demands that I cannot complete.
There have been structure changes and I have adapted.
I think I have proved why I am doing this every day.
I dont dread going to work every day.
I am at the top of my food chain.. I cannot go up any further without changing location.. I have some respect and feel most believe I am doing all I can.
The annual raises and bonus make all the time it took to get here..worth it.
My home is finally worth more than I paid for it.. the market is good..I could cash out and make a bit if I sold it.
I have another year of a bill and I can refinance a new car.
Then pass the current one on to my young adult.
My project car..is on hold. The replacement engine was junk. So I need to find another.

I need to find someone to occupy my mind. .. my time..
I don't know.. I followed everyones advice..and stopped looking..
Well..... no one has fallen into my lap..hit me over the head or showed up on my doorstep.
I work with nothing but married women and youngsters.. the ones that won't look twice at anyone with any grey..let alone one peppered with it..
So..the only place I go everyday and see people is not useful for finding a companion. Bars are useless. Friends.. the one or two I have here do not know anyone.. forget online dont even know where to start..not going there.
The old friend pool has closed.. I either messed up or took too long.
New friends?? What are those?

Going somewhere new never works for me.. I am just not social enough to approach anyone.
Those that approach me.. history.. makes me scared. It never seems to work.

So.. I guess I just need to either hit the lottery or go hermit.
Or just work myself to death.. get a bunch of cats..

Life the universe and everything. .
All conspiring against my happiness.
As well as time and distance.

I have done what I can to fight each..
For a while it worked for me..

I think..I need to find the next.. and work to it.
I need to finish this project..and see if it helps me .
It should..depending on it's outcome.
100 markets.. places to go. .

Possibilities.

I am thinking..I have made mistakes..missed cues..
My internal gentleman..had prevented me from being forward or from taking advantage of a the situation..which in hind site probably would have been welcomed. But that has never been me.. and that is obvious.

I have always said.. I dont take hints.. it is not that I dont see them.. not always.. it is I dont know if I should because I dont know if it is imagined...wishful thinking on my part.. I would rather not act..than risk a friend..

Yet.. I am still alone.
I wonder why...?

Tomorrow is Saturday. I have an early, long day.
Tasks to complete.. people to impress..
Then if I end on time or at a decent hour..
Cape codder's are on the menu..

R5/19/17

posted from Bloggeroid

Ground rules..

If you know the ground rules..
The basic rule of how something is done..
If you know this.. you have a starting point.
If you don't. . You have to figure it out as you go.
Much of life works this way..
Unfortunately we usually never know the rules..
Till long after we have tried, And failed..then we see the rules..

Many never recover.

So.. here I am..as always.. not knowing the ground rules..trying my best... never good enough.. and wondering why?
The strange part is really the wondering why.. I fully know.
It is a repeat of every chance I have ever been given..
I messed it up somewhere or did not pick the right ally ..left out a crucial component.. because.. me alone.. not worth anyones time..
Somewhere there is a component.. person.. that doesn't approve..and that is my demise.. nothing I can do..no matter how hard I try..will elevate me enough to be allowed.
Until it is to late.. always too late...
Really not my fault. .but nothing I can fix.

In the end..ground rules aside..I just simply want to be accepted..and believed and loved by those I love.

I met a person ..long ago.. and she loved everyone she met.
No questions.
Until they gave her a reason to .. not..
Oh ..then they were done.
The smart ones saw it..and never gave her reason to .. not..
Most were not that smart.. and lost her forever.
Some realized and decided that once she was done with them..to lament privately and move on...
I know..I was somewhere in between..
Special..and unique. But not for me. I was not in that class.
The ground rules did not allow me to be.. because then I was not who I became..I was who I was..and who I am.. but not then...and never again.

Over time..I realized why I did not make the cut..
Now I know it wasn't meant to be..
All I can take from it..is to learn not to repeat.

But, somewhere I know I have.
Never good enough.. not forever..
I am not .. bad .. just not enough.

I have know that 'rule' for a long time..
But it hurts every time i am reminded..
More than I want to..

I have tried all kinds of modifications of my method..nothing helps.

I fall for one.. and if it ends..I suffer..and suffer..

The rules don't help.. at least not me..
I have moved on from the last one..
The suffering is less..but never gone..

Others..can replace easily..and move on..
I usually am the one..that gets replaced..

Ouch!

Sometimes. .not replaced..but I feel forgotten.
(I have to apologize for being then so negative. .. but it is what it is)


Well.
Now I am a bit far from where I started.
But..
I have tried.. and tried..
I do not know why.
I am here..my situation is as It is..

I think I need a distraction..
Something that wont let me think.
For a little ..

I know .. no takers..

I can't have what I want..
I can't have what I need..

So .. here I am.

R 5/19/17

posted from Bloggeroid

Distractions

Life is full of distractions.
Some hopeful, some useless..and others everywhere in between.
To make it through this life.. you allow distractions..sometimes welcome them .. something to help take your mind off the things that hurt, or when you make the realization that you were not meant to have that which you desire, less painful. The distraction you allow is never meant to fulfill or replace what it takes you from.
It can take over your future if you let it..you need to be aware what it is and what purpose it has in your life. If not the distraction could lead you down an empty road..and leave you there. If you accept that it is a distraction..one you let into your life to help...on the condition that it is for right now..that realization is worth what ever temporary help it gives. You just have to be mindful that the distractio. Should not replace one grief with another.. one pain with a greater or lesser pain. That is not the purpose of helpful distraction.
We can get lost in our pain.. we can get so used to it it becomes a comfort.. and then we seek it out ..we can find distractions that hurt..because we are comfortable with pain..we don't enjoy it but it is familiar..the absence of pain..or hurt..we are lost..because it has been the norm in our life for so long..the absence of pain does not feel right..
We don't always look for more pain..or a replacement pain..but we accept it easier than it's opposite. Then the distraction becomes a partial replacement for the source of our pain.. it is welcomed..and the things that feel good and right..are ignored and held at arms length. . Out of fear..and because it does not feel right anymore.
The more we do this..the easier it gets..and it takes an epiphany moment to realize what you have pushed away.. we hope it isn't to late.. you can also get used to pushing away what you really need..because the distractions make it easier..
They are still distractions and you realize this.. but.. the hurt is less noticable.. you are not happy..you just know your sadness is hidden and less noticeable to everyone but you.

Sometimes the distractions help a lot..
Sometimes we realize the destructive or seductive nature of the distraction and replace it with something different.. or we try to appear that what we need is not what we want.. and deserve.. and the distraction is harmless..and keeps us motivated to get out of bed every day..even when we don't want to.

What we have to do. Is identify the distraction.. remember that it is such and keep our eyes open .. because .. someday we won't need the distraction..but need what is there for us..
Somethings..meaningful things .. are not distractions..but the thing we need.
No excuses..because we know it is what we need.
Everyone we trust knows it to be..
We just cannot trust ourselves to go beyond the distraction. .we sometimes don't feel worthy of anything but things that have no future..because the future scares us..because our past hurt so much. The pain never goes. We feel we are no longer capable of happy for us...or deserving.

We were meant to be happy. Find happy when we are not.
Our happy makes those that care for us happy. In turn we are happier too.

Don't we just want to make the ones we love happy??
Some will only be happy when you are happy too.

Identify your distractions.. rate them..
You know you have done that already.. you have let go distractions that have no meaning.. they served their purpose..and were discarded when they were no longer useful..or created possible conflict.. gone.. justifiably..
Somethings we tried to let go..to prevent other issues..just to realize..
But ..now wondering if it can ever be what it was before we decided it was easier .. just to see..
Nothing has changed..except new acceptance. . Shocking!!!
People can change their mind..after seeing the facts..
No..not a distraction...much more than that.

Now..can you see.. can you accept?

Some people don't let change disrupt good relationships.
Usually that is a good thing.

Search out those that will help you..
Those that will remind you of your worth.
Your value.
Many see it..few will make you see it.
Most are distracted..

You need to see the reality verses the dream..
Yes..we all know the reality. Most choose the dream..
Some have no choice..the reality is everyday..and they accept any distraction to remove them from it..

The reality is the pain is real.
The pain can help define us.
It can weaken or strengthen us.
We can let people in that will help us not distract..
Well..maybe for a few minutes..but you will know those that wish to just distract and those that truly know and want to help..
Just open your eyes and heart. .
Even the young do this.. and they can see sincerity, when its real.
Sometimes they will accept it..

All this..is a reminder not to be so distracted that you overlook the ones that really care and can help.

It is a struggle we all face.

R 5/18/17

posted from Bloggeroid

Another day. ..

Another one in a series of ones to come.
I should explore any option. Just play it out and see where I end up.
It could be somewhere I want to be..or could learn to like.
Or not...
I believe I can find something good in anyone or any situation.
I have to try to let things happen and search out things I want to find.
I have been closed off for so long. Not wanting to expose myself to rejection or pain.. I have only let myself be free on rare ocassions and was able to enjoy it immensely.. but timing was right for that moment.. and it remains a fixed point in time. It stands on its own..a grand experience.
Change is a constant.
I can be the ever burning light in the dark..but when the sun rises on a new day.. the burning light does not seem as bright.. the suns illumination makes the flame seem dim..
It is good that the morning arrived.. new beginnings and internal illumination makes the flame less than noticeable.
Which is the flames purpose.. to bring the light..and wait for the sunrise.. a companion in the dark.. one to assure you the light will come..and the darkness will lessen.. there are shadows.. ones you still need the light to help..brighten..and it will .. as it is needed..
But the shadows go as the day goes on. The need for the light is less because the sun will rise tomorrow. We sleep in the night so we don't have to worry about the darkness. Then morning comes and it is another day.
It is as it should be. You remember the light..but adjust to the daylight..and find it isnt needed as often..
You must remember the light is always there when you need it..
Or want it..it becomes a comfort..or a sweet scented candle..to remind you of its available light. Always.

So here I am.. looking to find a way to survive this crazy world.
Can I ever find any.. ??
I have a history of making the wrong choice.. or finding what I need on the wrong day.. wrong year.. I accept others suggestions..but not the one I wish..or choose.. not always .. sometimes..what I need. But usually I figure out what I need to keep on and do that.
What is next? I never know.. sometimes I do not know until long after I should.
I am ..I will be.. and I continue.
What I thought I needed in my life to have a happy existance has been elusive.. few and far between..I have nearly given up on that dream.. I have resigned myself to the reality I am living in..
I have had examples to follow..but they never last..and my own mind keeps me from repeating.. but I will continue to try..and make mistakes and disappoint... I will continue to be the guy at the wrong time.. the soul that was born too early or arrived too late.

I have been the right one at the wrong time ..
Unfortunately.. you don't get a second try ..
Those situations..happen..repeatedly..and I know not to lament over it. I was born in the wrong decade..

Which I feel is why I am alone at this time of my life.
Who am I kidding.. I have been alone ..as long as I have been an adult.. different stages..but always..without that soulmate..
As a child. .I had family.. but over the ages..I have seperated myself from the only humans that would understand.
But differences are aparrent..
And I am different.

But not ever enough to be interesting
Or interesting enough.
At least for long term..

For some reason.. my minimal criteria is never met. Never on a long term basis... I can be happy...just never for long.. usually all my fault.

What I have learned..after all this time.. I don't need more than confirmation to run to a place I want to be.

I have had few of those places I needed to be...wanted to be...or had someone that needed me. Or wanted me..
But ..here I am.
Still alone. .
Go figure.

R 5/12/17

posted from Bloggeroid

Plans for the next ..

I am.
As always. .making my way to whatever comes next.
I am making deliberate mistakes to see if the results will be the same..or some variation..
I am still looking for someone or something. .
I know it won't hit me over the head.. those days are gone..long gone. Yes.. you did..and yes I appreciated it so much.. to be seen..recognized.. but just the wrong time..
I have had similar experiences. .but none as close..
So here I am..
Looking for the one..
Just one that could accept me ..let me share their existance..
Someone to be happy to share any amount of time with..
But to have ..one..I could share my free time with..on a daily basis.. nothing else in my day would matter. It would all depend on my day ending with you. Nothing else would matter.. I would be happy to be home..it would work each day..to complete my day..to be home..

So.. I feel..as always. .I messed something up..
I either did not do something..or I did something that was wrong.. or not right.. did I ..or didn't I???

So..once again.. I am second guessing..all I have done..
I have tried to be respectful and me.. but all the time..wishing I was bolder..more matter of fact..
Yes.. tease me..and I will not restrain.. you may get what you need and me what I want..instead of being polite..being happy..
Not that knowing, I have not crossed that line, isn't important..but..if you tell me..you can't. .or won't. . I dont.. I want to.. But..that isn't me..I won't.
Then for days..I am wondering if I should have pressed..asked..begged.. instead.. I am alone and frustrated..

So what do I do.. ??
I consider and.. wonder.

So here I am.. just as always.. and still alone.
I am just too old for this.
But..I am thinking.. it is what it is and has been..
Nothing will change it.. no matter how hard I try..
If I change to the opposite of me..or stay the same..
I am here. Next to me. Alone.
Too old for those I identify with. .too young for those that get me..

I had chances..sometimes took chances.. over and above the me I am comfortable with..some will be remembered for ever and ever..the ones that let me love them. Helped me help them..
And those that loved me in spite of me.. or even in addition to us..

I usually figure I missed my chances.

So I must be alone.

Nothing next..

R 5/11/17

posted from Bloggeroid

The beginning..

Here we go!
At the least..2 months of deadlines and commitment.
Two months of doing all I can to get the job done.
Today was the start. I did finish what I scheduled.. not without difficulty..not without diversion.. but .. did what I planned..
Next!
I hope to keep moving forward. . And I hope to accomplish this project..to the best of my ability.

Lets see if everything cooperates.

I am glad to have been able to get out of town before this started..I will be wishing..even more so.. that I never came back.
I will make the best of this situation..the things I have to do..and the methods I have learned..to cope..
Work.. home.. being me.. being here...

I met a guy who looked a lot like ISTBA...but..I think he was getting on a plane to a very distant destination.. he wasn't very talkative. I think he was incognito. . What ever I did to him..he was not telling.

So.. here I am.. just me at this time.. not too much different from last year..

It really is not a pleasant place. If you step back and look.. so I tend not to look ...
No..I am not miserable..but.. I could be happier..
At this moment..I am very stable..working..paying my bills.. trying to sleep.. and working..my agenda..is to make an impression on my new bosses.. and to find a place to be.
I am trying to find something for me to smile about daily..
Trying..
Also trying not to wear out my friends that allow me to be in their lives.. but..the time.. makes me.think I am .. pressing.. overstepping...
I do not want to be 'the nuisance'..the charity case..the person you owe..
I tend to find people that accept my weirdness.. but never understand why.

I am not getting any younger..but just as lonely...
Why is that??

Really!..I need to know..

Being here ..now.. it is not where I expected to be.. at this time in my life..

The ones I love..have loved.. won't let me love them..
Never a bad transition.. except when I examine it....
Always a friend.. but never .. my one.. I am just not good enough.
I don't meet the requirements. .
Or some outside thing prevents it..
And I am here..alone..

If I was a jerk.. or an asshole.. I would be fighing them off...

Nice guys..don't get the chance to finish at all.
Just pushed aside..

In the end.. I am still alone.

It kinda hurts.. the scar tissue..over time.. just itches.. and no longer hurts..if you do not think about it..

Yeah... I get it..such is life..

I guess.. I have to settle.. make it work.. or just.. be as I have..for so long.

Were...to next.. ???

R
5/8/17

posted from Bloggeroid

Spirit saving, time away

I am back.
I am so glad I didnt cancel.
I had so much fun at my reunion.
I had a pretty date..I know many were jealous.
I got more than one thumbs up. .and a high five or two.
Several questions about who she was.. I told the truth. But I was happy she came with me. It made the whole thing more comfortable.
I know you read this from time to time..
And I am telling the truth. You made it that much better .. that you came along and enjoyed yourself.
And we had fun.
Also you have to know I still adore you. Your beauty radiates from the inside out.. if you did not notice.. I was having a great time... im glad you did too.
It is so nice when good friends can help eachother have a good time in stressful situations.

The rest of the trip was very good. I got to visit with old friends and reconnect with family.
It makes me miss that part of the country all the more.

The trip home was a error after error..I survived but not without difficulty. But I made it work. I was up for 24 hours before I got home.. and slept for 4 hrs and went to work. But was in bed by 12..
To attack the first in many busy days to come.
I rose to the occasion..and will push forward.

All in all..I am fortunate to have friends that accept me.
There are not many..I may have to travel 2000+ miles to find them..but it is reassuring to know they exist.
I hope..that this past visit..I have added another..that I can call a friend. Or at least someone that can tolerate my existance.
I am really not a bad guy.. really!
At least I try not to be.

I was able to spend time talking with my brother. Good time.
I touched base with my old friend..and got caught up.. then with another that I thought was upset with me..enough to make an excuse not to see me..which I ignored..and visited anyway.
Im glad I did.

You must know.. I am still me..I restrain myself..to avoid confrontation..embarassment..and making any 'Unforgivable' mistake.. yes..I have made a few of those.. trying to learn not to..
This trip..a few opportunities to mess up..or not.. but my restraint proved to be sure.. and I did not cross over..
I wish I had..a few times.. but the restraint.. prevented it..the man I am..did not allow it.. I wish I had.. but know I could not.

I am human. The pasts... only make it harder..my restraint..keeps me from crossing the line.. without a clear invitation.

Much to my regret.

That voice..reminding me to be a gentleman..not a Neanderthal..

Oh for those days..when I had those that were trying to teach me..

But..in the reality of it all.. I am me..I always will be..
I never ..almost never.. get the breaks in my favor..without fighting the biggest dragon..where I usually lose. Singed and bloody...
But.. as always.. here I am.. too far away from where people want and need what I can do for them. I am more than willing.. but just too far away to be able to... then it becomes a challenge. .to be remembered .. accepted.. or it becomes a fight not to be used..
I offer..and am rejected because you don't want to use me.
I would not offer if it was not available..

I have diverted from my thought..
Guilty. ..
My brain has expressed itself. . Walls down.. laid bare..

As always..I will have to reread this..and apologize for any discrepancies. .

£ ove you


R 5/4/17

posted from Bloggeroid