Strange days

The past week was broken up by a day off in the middle. I needed to get some service for my car and get my young adult to the DMV to renew a license. All went well except the service was not done by the designated time..and we went home with the loaner..just to go back after work on Thursday. $800 later... I guess my car is good for another 100k miles. I am secure in the feeling that I can leave my car with the young adult for a few days..
In direct result of replacing the battery in my car..I moved the old battery to the other car.. replaced a cable and it fired up. Now to make time to visit the engine shop..get pricing on some block work.. then schedule dropping off the block.
Steps..
I need to continue to clean out the empty boxes and sort out the garage.. maybe buy some grass seed.. and seed over those bare spots in the front lawn.. plan to paint the garage door..
Maybe the house. It needs to be done.
Steps.

Work was weird..for the first couple days..got contractors in to get estimates.. processed orders.. installed repairs.. we had a corp visitor..and a staff cookout.. my department is fully staffed again..and we have tasks pending and on a schedule through July.
Equipment to upgrade and lots of work ahead.
Also the day to day stuff and repairs.

Yes..I need a vacation..
No..I have heard nothing still. But I still have to keep on doing what I can each day..every week.

So all that aside..

I am still here.
Still me..
Still just alone.
Nothing new..no alternatives..
I had a weak moment..sent a text..it was answered a couple days later with ..essentially.. im busy with me..and not concerned about you. Point taken.
Move along.

So I guess. . I am.

Plans.. I do not know why I bother. They all fall down .. no reason for expectations..they always get dashed..and here I am.

I look at my situation..and wonder why I ended up here..now..
Lots of poor choices.. mistakes and making that which should not work..sort of work.
Some mistakes I have learned hard lessons from..some I just keep repeating.. hoping for a different result. We all know that is madness.

I guess it is my kind of madness.

The things I keep repeating .. allowing the pain back in.. setting up for failure..making the wrong choice of two.. not making the reasonable choice..or not seeing where the choice will end up.
That same repeating..results..the same.. confusion.. realization that it has been done that way before. .
Yet it still hurts if you think about it..
Then the pulling away..
Yes..I grab on.. I try to pull it back..
But.. the result is always just. No.
So..here I am.. I would say confused.. but not at all.
Been here so many times.. its amazing that I don't know it is what it is.
I cannot convince anyone beyond just being me..
If that is what is decided that it is not what is needed.. that is what it is.
So the natural progression..is to seperate..cut off what you can..delete the rest.. ignore what you cant.. and just hope I go away.

I get why.. don't tease. Don't give false hope..Don't lead on.

But..seperation anxiety sets in.. the unanswered questions eat at me. Yes..I will always be someone you can ask for help or for an ear.. you will get help even if you don't ask... if I see the need.

That kind of help does not come with strings.. no expectations..
No agenda.

I know..not what anyone expects..
It is how I am..

But of course you should know this..

What am I to do?

I am just alone.

R 4/9/17

posted from Bloggeroid