Ready

Yes..finally I am ready.
I leave in 12 hours.
A short vacation.
Bills are paid.. I am packed and plan on getting up early.
I cannot wait to see everyone.
I have an open few days..and one planned meet with old school friends.
I need to take this time away so i can be ready for the 3 months of work stress to come.

It will be so nice to cash in all those virtual hugs!
Be near the ocean. Eat some real seafood.

These last few months have been tough.. being here..
Preparing for the work changes that took forever to happen.
Now its hurry up..do this now.. then wait.. repeat..
Outside of work..I spend a lot of time alone. .. in public..but by myself.

I have to cross one chore off my list for now.. the engine I was going to rebuild and reuse..is junk. Just scrap metal.
I will have to look for another.
But I got most of it out of my garage.

I think..next I have to start on the house.. carpets ..floors... paint.. maybe repair my neighbor's fence.. . And of course clearing out the storage spaces.. Cleaning up 14 yrs of junk.

I have a few places I go to.. to sit and be alone..in public.. drink a little and ponder my place in this world. Realize the cold realities.
Plan the tasks I should be doing ..

I could plan my next road trip. There are a couple coming up..
And summer is coming too.
I have the work schedules..and right now..the major project is slated for completion mid July.. so a great time to get away would be right after.. maybe use a little of that paid time off that is so hard to use all of..

You know.. in my mind..
All this dedication to work..is my excuse to not be a old grumpy alone bastard. I am not happy with where I am..
At this age I expected to be enjoying my life..sharing it .. finding things to be doing with someone I enjoy being with..
Someone that shares my interests as much as I share theirs..

But I am here.. by myself.. looking for anyone that is even mildly interested.. I can adapt.. and compromise. . Accept.. and not be miserable..but happy enough.. I did it for years..
But I want that little more... that union..of minds.. that..grin that I cannot make go away.. when ever I am around you..

I know it can be.. I have had glimpses..but..here I am..no where near what once was..

Just feeling old..and lonely.
So I am looking for the things that keep me busy..looking for opportunities. . Things that occupy the space between my ears..
Just to drown out the sobbing in my head..

Yes.. I got very lucky.. my life so far is blessed.
I have a great young adult..stalled as she is.. but I could not as for a better kid. Her potential has not been challenged yet..
Her mother did not play the bitch card..and I have all I own..
It isnt much..but I know so many that have lost it all it the same situation..
As I have always said.. I could be living in a box under a bridge.
Or in my car..by a canal... past reference..
So just not having someone to share my boring day to day experiences with..is not that bad..but could be so much better..
I am here now.. so had a reason to be doing all I do..putting up with all I have to do.. right now..it's just to pay the bills.. no other satisfaction..
Yes..my young adult appreciates me..and what I do..to enable her..
Some of her friends have said as much.. and she will out of nowhere just hug me..
She may just know how much I need it.

I have tried to always be like my own dad..
He was a rock. And supportive of the direction you chose.
Many times blunt.. but always what you needed to hear.
What I want to be.
But..I know ..I need to.. be for me too.
This is part of the reason for my little vacation.. not just from work and my responsibility. .but a small seperation from my young adult. . Another chance to prove to herself that she can survive without me...function.. and such..

Well.. that being said.. I am escaping to the place I feel comfortable. Where some people still get me.
And to see those I love.
Admitted.

If you don't know.. you should..
It isnt an emotion I express lightly..

I cannot wait..

I am ready.

R 4/27/17

See ya!!!!

posted from Bloggeroid