New week

Time is moving forward. Spring is here..and I have plenty to do and worry about. Today I got an email about a job I was paid for..it was not to the standard they expected..and proceeded to threaten to bad mouth my work. I offered a redo..even offered to pay the shipping both ways.. to make it right...finally offered to refund all but parts and shipping.. if they were not satisfied. .
I am expecting a no..and give me a refund.. I was inexpensive to say the least..and didi what I could with the condition of the items I recieved. But.. it was a cleanup of someone elses hack..it was as good as could be.. but I may have left something out.. and offered to recheck. We will see. But my tech ego is bruised.
If he refuses to send them back..I will send a refund.. less the parts I had to buy. I did offer to try to make it right.

So..for now..put that on the back burner...

I have a short vacation coming up.. I am anxious for it to be here.
I need the time to be with people that appreciate my presence.
Or at least tolerate my being in the same location..
Change is needed in my life.. I need to find a place for me.
I feel like I am running out of time. I feel like I have wasted so many years on things that were lies and misdirection.. now..I am here..
Alone when I should be playing with my grandchildren.
I should be happy to come home to my other..instead of an empty house. Well not empty..but not anything for me..
I came home tonight..said hello..got no responses.. even the cat was asleep and wanted nothing from me.. it is alot like living alone..
I am working to pay my bills..existing only to make more bills..and derive some purpose from needing to work..to make others rich..
I have nothing that makes me smile..no bright spot.
All I have is personal satisfaction.. doing my job..accomplishing the things that need to be done at work..and not having anyone question what I decided to do. .. because I got it done.
Sometimes I just have to fix some thing..to get that satisfaction ..personally that I did it.
I could spend all day every day..doing reports..research..managing.. delagating.. I never have to do anything hands-on.. but I need that..
I never wanted to be a 'boss'.. I know I am not good at it.. but I have to.. I have no outlet..nothing to be proud of.. except the things I do that only I know I do.. rarely others see.. it works..sometimes..but doing the 'amazing' with nothing, over and over and over..with no one to notice.. becomes old.
You can only pat yourself on the back so many times.. even you stop believing it.
If no one notices..did it really happen????
Not in the real world.

So..I guess I don't dwell in the real world.. I have not for so long..
I expect certain responses from certain actions..and always end up disappointed.
Why I am surprized..after half a century.. I do not know..
I really should know better.. work.. relationships..life.. parenting..
Nothing is as what was written in the manual of life..
RTFM : Read the freaking manual!
But.. I have survived thus far..
Not as expected..
Not as promised..
You know..live a good life..and be rewarded with a good life.

Wondering what happened there.
No .. I'm not living in a box under a bridge..I have somewhere to go 5 days a week.. I'm not poor because I work hard..I have bills..and I pay them.. I should be happy for all these things. But like most ..I worry about what I don't have.. and overlook what I have.
What I strive for..is always out of reach..
My '3 week' window..is no longer valid..some have changed that..
With age and time..things change..but.. here I am.. right were I was 20+ years ago.. just me. Miserable.. lamenting the status of being just me.
Yet.. i feel time is running out.. I have missed those chances..
Made those choices..the ones that make the heart happy for a few weeks..and then disappoint..
I have learned..you can never go back and try to pick up where you made the mistake...because they remember..and never forgive.
You have dissed and will always pay the price.

I am human.. I make mistakes.. oh I make mistakes..

I get the .. you hurt me..so I must never forgive..
But..if you know me at all... I know.. forgiveness is what everyone needs..or needs to embrace..
Everyone will disappoint.. either.. hurt over it ..or get over it.

Sorry for the long..disjointed post.. but it is Monday. .and I feel like
venting.

I crave being able to talk to another human.. about all the soup in my head.. I need a soul that understands my brain.. I need someone that understands that sometimes all I need is to be held... and sometimes need to be heard..to vent all in my brain. Just listen to the ooze.. that leakes from inside my skull
Sometimes..it just needs to be expressed..
To a sympathetic ear.. no judgements.. just hear.
I know how to do this..does anyone else?

I could go down that..path. despair..desperation.. laments..

But really..does anyone really care..?
I doubt it.. we only care about us..me..

I think that is the real Problem..
Me..me..me......
If we all spent some time
Thinking about anyone..but ..us.. right now..

I know..the last few paragraphs were about my issues..
But somewhere.. we need to think about others..
If we are all about just us.. the me...
No one would ever be happy.
I guess..that is why I am not.
I have no one to help be happy.

Making others happy..
Even roll your eyes back in your head happy..
Is what I have always tried to do..
But so few have allowed me.

So I am.stuck. in this Monday. .
The beginning.. that everyone dreads..
Here I am...
Just keep holding me at arms length.. and I will fall away

Oh yeah..I know.
Too good..too soon.

So how long are you going to punish yourself?

Click!

Or .. thunk.

You cannot let anyone dictate your happiness.

They have their life..to live.. you have to find yours..

Think..who has been there..who has not..
That is what matters.

Just keep pushing.. eventually.. you will succeed. . And push right off the edge. Far away.
Too far ....

Much to the sadness of us all.

R4/11/17

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