Should I?

A good question.
One I ask myself many times.
If is part of the process of second guessing that I have become so used to doing.
While I am running throught the scenarios in my mind.. I have those moments when I ask should even bother? Is it going to be worth the effort?
Will I break it by doing this?
Does it make any difference at all?

Should I?
Do this..or not do this??
Will it matter?..will it change anything? Will it mess it up?
Is it just better to keep it to myself and see what happens?
Or..should I just forget it?..stop trying to plan..just let it fall where it falls and figure it out?

Indecision always messes with me.
Decisions..may not work as expected..but it's better to know than not.

But I always wonder if I should have ..whatever.. ?

I have sometimes made the right choices.. sometimes I have fallen in roses instead of shit.
I have been very fortunate to find those that have let me make mistakes..
I have had a couple that dragged me in.. only because I didnt see the open door.
I have fallen into the opening that I did not see.
All with positive results..
Most with ends.

I have worked the 'should i'.. into a long drawn out maybe..and finally to 'it's about time'.. only to be too late.
One that hurt.. oh to be that young again..

I had a 'should i' ..to a mislead mistake... young and dumb..
But got an old friend from it..

Had a few that I ignored.. wanted to..but ignored..and it proved to be over before it even got started.. I should be thankful for that.. I think.

I had the should I..that I eventually realized I should..did and was pushed away.. and nothing happened.. so.. not.

So...should I?..

Im in that..I really don't know what is next... so I will wait and see.
I cannot be more alone than I am now or have been.. so taking a chance isnt in my option list.

Should I?

What I need.. is someone to step out , and just ask me..
Because..I am in that scared to be rejected phase..
That pain is just too much for me right now.
I can not handle the icy rejection.. the decisions in the recent past have scarred me..again.. and I am gun shy.. afraid to pull the trigger..

I lament over failure .. it cuts me..and pours salt into the wounds..every time I try to see where I failed.
That is why..I am here..in this place..

I should.. just..

...

If I only knew..
I would.. should I?

You know.. I have friends that could help me through this.. but.. I feel seperated by a few things that keep me from reaching out.
Primarily I dont want to offend ..and end up never asking.

I feel seperated by conditions that make it convienent to be less.. timing and timezones make it less than convienent. But It feels like more of an excuse than reality.. I know the timing..and make the effort..and it is received partially.. I don't want to let go..but I feel I am pressing obligation rather than need or want.
Do not feel obligated to me. Anything I do for anyone other than my job..is free. Never repayment, never an expectation of reciprocation. There are some exceptions..but for valid reasons.

I know a strong independant person wont except charity..
But will accept a contract. The result is the same.. and it is what it is. People are different. To see the difference is a skill.
There is never a catch.. I offer what is needed because I can. Repayment terms are upfront.. no hidden requirements.
No obligations. No requirement to ever talk to me again..
Friends..good friends.. never expect more than what it is.
Once you reach that point..you know.

Ok.. totally drifted away..
Not sure why..
I guess..something ..I should.. make clear in my mind.

You know.. I have been told something..more than once..that echos something almost exactly the same as what I was told 2 yrs ago..
I think I messed that up..because I didn't realize what was being said... now..it is reversed..and I don't know any more or less how to decipher.. I did it wrong the last time..I was forgiven..but I know it has been remembered.. so..I don't want to do the same again.
I have the potential to ruin something again..
As always..I am overthinking..and it hurts my brain.
Nothing is simple..
I am sure I will make the wrong decision based on what I think it means.. because.. I am me and I am meant to be where I am.
No one can or will save me from myself.

I should just put it out of my mind and wait and see if in person conversations shed light on my mind..how I am trying to think this is..

I should stop thinking.. it only leads me down a path that ends in lonelyness.

R 4/15/17

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