Ready

Yes..finally I am ready.
I leave in 12 hours.
A short vacation.
Bills are paid.. I am packed and plan on getting up early.
I cannot wait to see everyone.
I have an open few days..and one planned meet with old school friends.
I need to take this time away so i can be ready for the 3 months of work stress to come.

It will be so nice to cash in all those virtual hugs!
Be near the ocean. Eat some real seafood.

These last few months have been tough.. being here..
Preparing for the work changes that took forever to happen.
Now its hurry up..do this now.. then wait.. repeat..
Outside of work..I spend a lot of time alone. .. in public..but by myself.

I have to cross one chore off my list for now.. the engine I was going to rebuild and reuse..is junk. Just scrap metal.
I will have to look for another.
But I got most of it out of my garage.

I think..next I have to start on the house.. carpets ..floors... paint.. maybe repair my neighbor's fence.. . And of course clearing out the storage spaces.. Cleaning up 14 yrs of junk.

I have a few places I go to.. to sit and be alone..in public.. drink a little and ponder my place in this world. Realize the cold realities.
Plan the tasks I should be doing ..

I could plan my next road trip. There are a couple coming up..
And summer is coming too.
I have the work schedules..and right now..the major project is slated for completion mid July.. so a great time to get away would be right after.. maybe use a little of that paid time off that is so hard to use all of..

You know.. in my mind..
All this dedication to work..is my excuse to not be a old grumpy alone bastard. I am not happy with where I am..
At this age I expected to be enjoying my life..sharing it .. finding things to be doing with someone I enjoy being with..
Someone that shares my interests as much as I share theirs..

But I am here.. by myself.. looking for anyone that is even mildly interested.. I can adapt.. and compromise. . Accept.. and not be miserable..but happy enough.. I did it for years..
But I want that little more... that union..of minds.. that..grin that I cannot make go away.. when ever I am around you..

I know it can be.. I have had glimpses..but..here I am..no where near what once was..

Just feeling old..and lonely.
So I am looking for the things that keep me busy..looking for opportunities. . Things that occupy the space between my ears..
Just to drown out the sobbing in my head..

Yes.. I got very lucky.. my life so far is blessed.
I have a great young adult..stalled as she is.. but I could not as for a better kid. Her potential has not been challenged yet..
Her mother did not play the bitch card..and I have all I own..
It isnt much..but I know so many that have lost it all it the same situation..
As I have always said.. I could be living in a box under a bridge.
Or in my car..by a canal... past reference..
So just not having someone to share my boring day to day experiences with..is not that bad..but could be so much better..
I am here now.. so had a reason to be doing all I do..putting up with all I have to do.. right now..it's just to pay the bills.. no other satisfaction..
Yes..my young adult appreciates me..and what I do..to enable her..
Some of her friends have said as much.. and she will out of nowhere just hug me..
She may just know how much I need it.

I have tried to always be like my own dad..
He was a rock. And supportive of the direction you chose.
Many times blunt.. but always what you needed to hear.
What I want to be.
But..I know ..I need to.. be for me too.
This is part of the reason for my little vacation.. not just from work and my responsibility. .but a small seperation from my young adult. . Another chance to prove to herself that she can survive without me...function.. and such..

Well.. that being said.. I am escaping to the place I feel comfortable. Where some people still get me.
And to see those I love.
Admitted.

If you don't know.. you should..
It isnt an emotion I express lightly..

I cannot wait..

I am ready.

R 4/27/17

See ya!!!!

posted from Bloggeroid

Continuation..

I was interrupted on the last post..

To try to complete that thought ..
If I can..

I have known many that have ..in fear of being alone..decided that misery and abuse was justificatio of their existance.. and stayed were they should have left..and sought out similar individuals. .that could only make them hurt.. because it was like a cutter or someone that looks for pain.. because it is better than being numb..neglected and alone..the mental and physical pain.. reminded them that they were still alive..
They refused to allow a kinder and gentler person in their life because they get the fluff but cannot realize the fluffy comfort..is a desireable place to be.. a place you can relax and be happy..and find happiness in other things.. when you are not fighting for each piece of love.. and good feeling. . You can enjoy the rest of your environment...because you dont have to endure the many forms of abuse you allow..or let into your life..to feel like you exist.
Pain is easier to recognize than pleasure.. pleasure usually comes with strings attached.. at least that is how you feel..
You wonder what do they want from me?? They are being nice.. they must have an alterior motive.. they want something I don't want to give..
I am not just talking bruises and cuts...but the invisible scars..the mental games and abuse.. it still hurts..but more because most people cannot see them...and don't know to offer help..
And just like the cutter.. you need it to make sure you are alive..

One of the worst parts of this.. you forget that not everyone is bad..
There are truly genuine people out there.. some are willing.. to be everything you need.. because you are everything they need..
You can fix eachother.. meld..find that reason for being..and help the other find their happiness. While you find yours.

Win win!.. in all it's reality.

Magical..

But, unfortunately. .not the norm.. people are creatures of habit..and make the adjustments..and suffer in silence..and just don't see..or want to see the reason..to allow happy in their life.

It may be something they were told..long ago..and believed it.. instead of seeing..they were so much more than a short sighted persons opinion.
But no one has helped you see..you are so much more..
They may have tried.. but you refused to accept your worthyness..
You don't think you deserve what you want..
So when it is handed to you..offered to you in all sincerity... you think it is a lie.. you don't believe it could be true.
So you listen to all those voices..and push it away..

Do they actually let you??

Think..
Are they still there..hanging on.. no matter how hard you try to shake them off??
Why is that??
Are they getting anything from being there waiting??
Other than their personal satisfaction? ? Of making another human smile...
No hidden agenda.
Your happiness is their reward.. and theirs..
Shocking?? That someone can be happy by making you happy!

We are out there.
Usually ignored..
Usually too good to be true.. so ignored.

Easily for someone to skew your perception.. to make you think your happiness is not deserved..even when it is .. finally right there..
In front of you.
No..they convince you.. it is not for you..
Then.. once you agree..they step totally in their bubble. .and you are alone.

Like the rest of us.


R 4/27/17

posted from Bloggeroid

Working on it...

Yep. Working on a few things.. some will be paitent for their turn some won't. .need to be done right now.. or as soon as humanly possible.
Working on things at home..things at work.. business things...personal things..tasks and chores. . Things that bring a smile to my face ..things that just give me satisfaction that I am getting it done...things for others..things just for me. ..
Some things I take my time..plan..and some I just wait for the outcome of the things I have done. Some things are a little of both.
Most of these cannot be left alone because they won't get done by themselves. If they do..the result is never in my favor..almost never..

So, I'm working on it.

In all this time I have to wonder..I have met a few people exactly like me..lost..clueless..alone. many try to find ways to fix it. This condition. .but I see far to many in this situation on one like it.
When I was younger, I saw more of ..I need to stay here..in what ever situation they found themselves. .even the bad ones.. too many of those.. but being afraid to be alone stayed and endured.. some actually sought out similar tragedies to follow instead of a happier alternative..they forgot how..

R 4/24/17

posted from Bloggeroid

Travel

I have a few days. I need to knock out some tasks at work. I need to think about travel.
I will be gone during a non pay week. I will return to 3 days before a paycheck. I have made advanced payments on all but 2 bills. I will do those this week.
I have food in the house. The cat and young adult are set.
The car has been behaving and should be in good hands.
I plan on getting my car project in to the machinist this week..maybe..
I cleaned it up today and sorted the garage. Found the pieces I need to transport to the shop..

Another item on my list to move closer to completion.
I spent the day at home..by myself.. I fixed L's computer and made dinner did dishes.. sorted newspapers in the garage.. it was nice out and good to be out of the house..sort of.
Just me and the radio.. cleaning and sorting.. I ate alone. Watched a little tv..
I am just waiting to not be in this place.. even for just a little while..
I went to a bar party yesterday.. other than the guest of honor..and one other..I knew no one.. it was a new bar..no absolute.. so.. I felt like me.. out of place. Go figure.. I stayed an appropriate amount of time and then left. Went somewhere familliar and played some pool with a couple of the regulars.. better..

But home..is mine..and mine alone..

Yes..I have my 'roommate'.. but this is the vampire weeks.. and so I am alone till dark.. I can only plan to be by myself.. and wait for the work week to start.. and pet the cat.

Kinda lonely.. no one to talk to..no one to see.. no where to go..
I could just drive.. but.. I've been everywhere local. So unless I'm headed out of town.. nothing new.. and interesting..
So..just stay home.

I so need this time away.

I don't want to mess up the 'vacation'..
I have needed to be around someone that gets the me..that I hide..
No one here knows him..
I am like everyone else on this planet. .I am just looking to be understood..accepted..appreciated..and loved.. I am looking ultimately for a person to complete me..and enhance my life.
Someone who forgives my shortages..and adds to my abilities..
It may seem like a lot to ask..but if that is what we all are looking for..the right person should be easy.. eventually..Someone will fit..
I am not inflexible. .the criteria isn't rigid..anyone who wants to make an effort..a contribution.. could fit and be happy..we could make eachother very happy..

On this planet of so many people..
Why..is this so difficult??
Was I born in the wrong decade?
Am I putting my efforts in the wrong generation??
Maybe.

Wow!
I never realized this place was so busy on a late Sunday night...
It is actually Monday morning. . The place is packed..after midnight.

Maybe Monday won't suck this week.
I have tasks..and travel on Friday.. and those few days off.
Maybe.. the weekend will be better than I expect. That would be nice.
To see old friends. To spend time with some who know me.
To be home.
Yes..it is home.
I want to find a way to get back.
Opportunities exist.. I need to make something happen.

I am looking forward to the travel.. to be away..to see people and home..and the ocean.. yes ..family too.
Yes..airports and rental cars can be different. . But part of travel..air travel. As long as I don't get forced off a plane..
I will be good.

I have already decided to buy what I need once I get there..just bring clothes.. and just have a carry-on.. I probably won't even bring a laptop... borrow a tablet and use my phone..

I used to love to travel by plane. .but now it is such a hassel..
Just want it to be over.

But.. it will all be worth it.
I need the hugs I have been waiting for.. I need the hours of conversation with people that 'get' me..

4 more days..

Then..

As always I'm sorry its so disjointed.. and confusing..
But it is a brain dump..and it is what is in my head...right now.

With out this.. I would melt down. And revert to a bad place..

Too much like therapy

I need to plan a road trip.
Soon.

Hey!!!
See you soon.

Hugs promised.

R 4/24/17

posted from Bloggeroid

Idle time.

What do you do while you are waiting?
Not the minutes or hours.. the time that takes days to tick by.
I try to occupy my brain. ..more than usual.
I find tasks that need to be done, but have waited.
I cannot be idle. Maybe when I get to sleep.. depending on the stresses and the frame of mind ..sometimes sleep is limited to working through the daily details.. while I toss and turn..
Idle don't enter into it.

Future planning makes you wait. While you wait, you could ruin it by trying to think through what you want to do once you get there..to the future.. or you could bury yourself in tasks.. and being busy will make the wait seem less. Not being idle..

Either way, time ticks on and the future keeps getting closer.

While you wait.. you must realize..you are living in your pasts future..it is now..what was perceived as the future back in the past.
So.. why be idle..why tick off days on the calendar?

Live your future..now.. the rest will come screaming up in its own time..for your now to meet tomorrow. . The future..

I have been guilty of waiting for things to change.. waiting for tomorrow to come so I can live in a changed life.
We have things we pass up while we wait for the next better thing to come. We hope for everything to look right..be right..and pass on what should have been. This works for everyone else.. it doesn't work for us..we get handed something of value..we decide to keep it or try to exchange it for an upgrade.. if we don't keep it..we end up with nothing. But hope in that future.. that we end up being idle.
Waiting ..
Maybe not..maybe we were idle..just long enough to be where we want to be..maybe we have made everyone happy and now we are happy too, in our new future..

Maybe we made all the right choices and waited for the right amount of time..and are living in that future.

Maybe we are not..maybe we regret waiting.. choosing to wait for something everyone else accepts.. if they accept it must be right. Our judgement may not be in our best interest..theirs must be better for us.

Sorry for the scarcastic post.. it was where my head is at this moment.

I need a little time off.
Maybe reset my perceptions.

Maybe get these idle ramblings out of my head.
I need to clarify..and allow me to function in the stress filled days to come.

R 4/21/17

posted from Bloggeroid

Busy.. pondering.. guessing. .

Yes.. I am surprized it is already late Thursday.
I have been busy this week and it shows.
Today, we almost finished cleaning out a storage room that will be torn down next month. Renovations will begin. This week I have begun ordering equipment, met with contractors and made recommendations on what to buy next. The day to day is still going on but I have several other projects that are taking over.
I have tried to keep focused on the thinks at hand. .in prep for my vacation.
It will only be a few days..but needed and wanted for so long.
I think I need to refresh before the project gets in full swing..otherwise I may melt down and that would not be good.

Another successful renovation and upgrade will look very good on my resume. Of course only to those that understand...but locally It will reassure those that put me here.

Personally.. I am where I have been. I gave up looking.. I have to remind myself to not ignore the obvious.. if it happens..
But.. I need to avoid the attention.. the kind that you latch on to out of desperation.. knowing that you have no one intrested.. can make you accept advances that you normally would not.. but your self esteem is low..and you find the attention intriguing.. by that time there is no standard..no criteria.. breathing and interested.. rises to the top of the list.. I guess that's desperation.. but you stop..you think.. you examine.. ponder.. realize.. you are not even settling... you are accepting where you think you are.

Step back.. examine.. realize..

Not where you want to be..
Don't go there.. you know better..
Don't lessen yourself because you know you would not have gone down that road a year ago..
But here you are..

You have prevented yourself from settling before..
Think about it.
Only pain on that path.
Yours and others..

Back to work..
One day at a time..

Meet new people..make friends.. get into a routine..
Think..and do.

When no one is there to remind you.. it is on you.
You are responsible for the decisions you make.
You have to live with your bad decisions.. learn from them..
We all make them.. if we learn nothing...what is the point?
We won't make the changes we need to to fix anything..
There are few decisions we cannot change or learn from..
If it was the wrong one.. make the right one ..make the change possible. Own it!
Don't regret it forever.. change direction..and go after it. Make it possible.. ask! Don't settle..don't lament that you messed up and it will never be. You will never know if you walk away thinking it was a missed chance.
Dont wait 10 years to say..im sorry..I was wrong..I thought my decision was where I needed to be..I thought I was making the right choice .. for you.. or for me.. if you realize you made the mistake.. fix it!
I know..you will always be surprised.

Yes.. this is my rant.
It is me...talking to me..
I know it can apply to any one...everyone.
That is why it is here.. oozing from my brain into my fingers..onto this blog.

I do reread these and look back on where I was and where I am..
It can be enlightening to my daily confusion...

It is very hard to be here at this time in my history.
Change is pending. It needs to be persued..because it runs and hides when it isn't smacking you in the face.

Stay strong.. keep on.. think.. ponder.. plan..

In the end..we may be happy again.

R 4/20/17

posted from Bloggeroid

Tasks..good..better..and mundane too.

Yes..my current existence is a series of tasks.
My recent activity is task driven.
I think I have been tasked to prove I am who I appear to be.
I will rise to that task.
Nothing I am expected to do is beyond my ability. I can own it and complete it.
The obstacles put in front of me are easily or patiently overcome.
I have to examine each situation and determine what is to be done and figure out how to accomplish it.
I am analytical if anything.
I need to step back a bit..apply my knowledge and figure out what to do.
I have survived this long..doing just that.
I have done this in all aspects of my life. It almost never fails me.
Yes..sometimes the results are different than I thought..but.. as the song says..just what I need.
I can prove myself to me. I am capable. I can do what I need to do.
I can do what is asked of me..
I have always done what is asked of me.
Sometimes against my better judgement. . But I will do what I must.
I have been denied..I have been tempted..I have looked that in the eye and just said no..
But I have been asked to do the impossible..and surprised those that doubted my ability.. because I know.. in the long of it..

I am more than worthy.

Very few can challenge that.
I have always tried to do what I must... and what I can... for everyone and for me. It usually works out in the end.
It may take some time to get there..
And sometimes.. it isn't realized until much later..
I rarely disappoint.
Except .. me..
In the end..I can say I am me. I am consistent..
But I am human.
I make mistakes. Never intentionally.
Never intentionally hurt anyone.
I may hurt me.
But never anyone but me.

But. .. I hurt me..
I wonder.. if anyone knows..??

I forget..Sometimes. ..

I feel that no one notices..
Usually in my day to day.. I feel invisible. .

I know I can make a difference..
I saw a meme. .. that stated.. I am a Introvert that sometimes acts like an extrovert..
That explains me..

I fall for those that approach me.. see that I want them to approach me.. and that I want to approach them..

If you have been fortunate to see me out of my protective shell ...where I boldly express myself.. that is who I want .. need.. to be..
I can be..if I let myself.. if you reject it.. reject me.. I wither..
I revert to the shy ..introvert.. if you have met the real me.. in any form.. you are one of the few.. I don't let anyone in.. it takes time..
If you throw that away.. you may wonder. .where I went.. cause I will fade away.

Not a task..but a bit of self preservation.

Pain is not my friend..I never invite it..but usually accept that I let it into my life. One task I hate repeating.. but I do.

R 4/17/17

posted from Bloggeroid

Should I?

A good question.
One I ask myself many times.
If is part of the process of second guessing that I have become so used to doing.
While I am running throught the scenarios in my mind.. I have those moments when I ask should even bother? Is it going to be worth the effort?
Will I break it by doing this?
Does it make any difference at all?

Should I?
Do this..or not do this??
Will it matter?..will it change anything? Will it mess it up?
Is it just better to keep it to myself and see what happens?
Or..should I just forget it?..stop trying to plan..just let it fall where it falls and figure it out?

Indecision always messes with me.
Decisions..may not work as expected..but it's better to know than not.

But I always wonder if I should have ..whatever.. ?

I have sometimes made the right choices.. sometimes I have fallen in roses instead of shit.
I have been very fortunate to find those that have let me make mistakes..
I have had a couple that dragged me in.. only because I didnt see the open door.
I have fallen into the opening that I did not see.
All with positive results..
Most with ends.

I have worked the 'should i'.. into a long drawn out maybe..and finally to 'it's about time'.. only to be too late.
One that hurt.. oh to be that young again..

I had a 'should i' ..to a mislead mistake... young and dumb..
But got an old friend from it..

Had a few that I ignored.. wanted to..but ignored..and it proved to be over before it even got started.. I should be thankful for that.. I think.

I had the should I..that I eventually realized I should..did and was pushed away.. and nothing happened.. so.. not.

So...should I?..

Im in that..I really don't know what is next... so I will wait and see.
I cannot be more alone than I am now or have been.. so taking a chance isnt in my option list.

Should I?

What I need.. is someone to step out , and just ask me..
Because..I am in that scared to be rejected phase..
That pain is just too much for me right now.
I can not handle the icy rejection.. the decisions in the recent past have scarred me..again.. and I am gun shy.. afraid to pull the trigger..

I lament over failure .. it cuts me..and pours salt into the wounds..every time I try to see where I failed.
That is why..I am here..in this place..

I should.. just..

...

If I only knew..
I would.. should I?

You know.. I have friends that could help me through this.. but.. I feel seperated by a few things that keep me from reaching out.
Primarily I dont want to offend ..and end up never asking.

I feel seperated by conditions that make it convienent to be less.. timing and timezones make it less than convienent. But It feels like more of an excuse than reality.. I know the timing..and make the effort..and it is received partially.. I don't want to let go..but I feel I am pressing obligation rather than need or want.
Do not feel obligated to me. Anything I do for anyone other than my job..is free. Never repayment, never an expectation of reciprocation. There are some exceptions..but for valid reasons.

I know a strong independant person wont except charity..
But will accept a contract. The result is the same.. and it is what it is. People are different. To see the difference is a skill.
There is never a catch.. I offer what is needed because I can. Repayment terms are upfront.. no hidden requirements.
No obligations. No requirement to ever talk to me again..
Friends..good friends.. never expect more than what it is.
Once you reach that point..you know.

Ok.. totally drifted away..
Not sure why..
I guess..something ..I should.. make clear in my mind.

You know.. I have been told something..more than once..that echos something almost exactly the same as what I was told 2 yrs ago..
I think I messed that up..because I didn't realize what was being said... now..it is reversed..and I don't know any more or less how to decipher.. I did it wrong the last time..I was forgiven..but I know it has been remembered.. so..I don't want to do the same again.
I have the potential to ruin something again..
As always..I am overthinking..and it hurts my brain.
Nothing is simple..
I am sure I will make the wrong decision based on what I think it means.. because.. I am me and I am meant to be where I am.
No one can or will save me from myself.

I should just put it out of my mind and wait and see if in person conversations shed light on my mind..how I am trying to think this is..

I should stop thinking.. it only leads me down a path that ends in lonelyness.

R 4/15/17

posted from Bloggeroid

Something different

No.. not really..
More of just me lamenting over ... me.
I look back and see all my bitching.. and complaining. .

I should be thankful I have one or two friends that still listen when I need them. I have been there and back.. opened up to someone I thought would care.. and found I would be better talking to myself..
I have found persons that listen like I do.. empathicly.. truly care to hear..may not have an opinion. But some times we dont want an opinion..but want to know someone hears us.. that we are not alone.
The reality is that many are where we are..we are not alone..
In the end..that matters most.
The feeling of being isolated..alone.. that place where we feel no one understands.. that is where we never want to be..we are social animals.. we need sympathy..need acknowlegement.. we need to know..wherever we are..we are not alone..others are experiencing similar things...feelings ... stresses.. we are not alone.. even strangers, know this...experience this.
We need to reach out..we need to allow others in.. we need to listen as much as we vent. Really hear what others are experiencing.. it will help up us.. we can see we are not alone.. find others to bond with, ones that through their experience. .can help us with ours..
We see the simarities..and click.. we associate our pains with others .. we realize we are not so different..so alone.. others are where we are..where we have been.. where we may go..
We need to examine and learn..help ourselves from others examples. .

So.. as a tribute to those that have helped me....

THANK YOU!

For those that I have been able to help...
I am glad to know..that I may have helped you.
My distress .. success ..fails.. concerns... and victories. .
May help. We must continue to help eachother.. directly and indirectly..
Life is not meant to be lived alone.. we are not built that way..
But not all of us have a partner.. so we must rely on others in our lives to accept us and help us..even just listen to us..
Most times we are not looking for answers from you..we aremlooking to sound off and it helps us figure out what is next..
Don't shy away because you have your own problems..you don't need mine..
It can help us all if you lend an ear..you don't have to agree or disagree..or even offer suggestions..you need to just listen and be understanding. You may find it can provide a solution to your problems.. or a start to understand .. you.

Helping others ..usually will help you help ..you.


4/13/17

posted from Bloggeroid

Made it to 'hump'day..

The week is moving on.
A few more tasks done or nearly..
Maybe some construction tomorrow. . At least some carpentry..
Need to investigate some equipment..and work through some details.
Time off is getting closer.
Yes..i'm flying United..
Yikes!!

I only have Saturday Night planned.. meeting old friends..
The rest I am leaving open.. a show up and see who wants to see me.. been done many times.. I always end up disappointing some..
Never intended. There always is the next visit.
I must use all my vacation time.. that is the plan.
Maybe..I can get to visit my long lost cousins...
Or a few old old friends..
Or..just find one to spend time enjoying the east coast with.. someone with like mind..someone that can appreciate what I need to experience..

I should not over think this..I need to destress and enjoy..
That is the agenda..the itinerary. .

Then it will be back to work..and time to plan whats next..
Work has a construction schedule ending in July.. so it will be after that.. and there is a road trip..in August.. so timing may be optimum..
Of course..I can escape for long weekends too. If this one works out .this may be that kind of year..

All that.. I have heard zip..nada..regarding my submission..so it is either the wrong way to do it..or I didnt qualify.
Not even a no..why did you submit this??

The rest is what it has been.. nothing.
Quiet.. routine..
Im trying not to go out as much.. but sometimes the should I?? Becomes..I kinda have to..or just go to bed..
Then I sleep badly..or not at all and get up either way too early or late .. then ruining my day.
Sure..im just getting out of the house..sitting by my self..and going home.
I am so detached..have been for so long.. I know nothing else.
Every once in a while..I forget..and step out of my shell and can strike up a conversation.. but more often its just.. that voice in my head.. you dont rate..your not In that league.. shut up and sit down.
I am sure that is the same reason I have hundreds of friends..
...

Also why I am here in this place.
Lucky me...

I guess that is why when I do reach out..and connect..it devastates me when it fails. So much effort goes into opening up..that once it is done.. I struggle with it when it is over.

I never take any relationship lightly.. they are too important. .when you know you have so little.. you hang on tight to what you find.

Every now and then..over the course of my life.. I have found the few that wont wait for me to see..and step up and just tell me.. usually it wakes me up..reminds me.. and if I see..I take it for what it is.. some times I miss is and miss out.
I have met a few diamonds that I will never ever forget.
Unfortunately they are not mine anymore..but they have made an mark in my life.. I love them forever.

Sometimes you do have to hit me over the head.. or just pull me aside and ask me to kiss you..
You have to know .. I want to just push you up to the wall... hold your hands above your head..and kiss you..and press our bodies together.. I want to show you..the fire you stoke In me..
But I am usually a dweeb..and I am afraid..
I don't want to overstep..scare away..
Those cautions.. over the years. The fear of rejection..
Rejection..in all its forms..even the imagined.. cuts deep.
The worst..is the implied rejection.
The gradual pulling away..it is perceived as rejection.
Subtle..but crushing. I have experienced this many times. It is obvious. That hurts.
Mainly because..you were different..you were not to be like the others in the past.
But on the scale of pain the ones that were different.. hurt more than those that were the same as the rest..
Yet.. here I am..

Am I on the hump?.
Am I looking towards the downhill?..
Is it gonna be easy..or a slippery slope into the muck..?

I just need a destress point..

R 4/13/17

posted from Bloggeroid

New week

Time is moving forward. Spring is here..and I have plenty to do and worry about. Today I got an email about a job I was paid for..it was not to the standard they expected..and proceeded to threaten to bad mouth my work. I offered a redo..even offered to pay the shipping both ways.. to make it right...finally offered to refund all but parts and shipping.. if they were not satisfied. .
I am expecting a no..and give me a refund.. I was inexpensive to say the least..and didi what I could with the condition of the items I recieved. But.. it was a cleanup of someone elses hack..it was as good as could be.. but I may have left something out.. and offered to recheck. We will see. But my tech ego is bruised.
If he refuses to send them back..I will send a refund.. less the parts I had to buy. I did offer to try to make it right.

So..for now..put that on the back burner...

I have a short vacation coming up.. I am anxious for it to be here.
I need the time to be with people that appreciate my presence.
Or at least tolerate my being in the same location..
Change is needed in my life.. I need to find a place for me.
I feel like I am running out of time. I feel like I have wasted so many years on things that were lies and misdirection.. now..I am here..
Alone when I should be playing with my grandchildren.
I should be happy to come home to my other..instead of an empty house. Well not empty..but not anything for me..
I came home tonight..said hello..got no responses.. even the cat was asleep and wanted nothing from me.. it is alot like living alone..
I am working to pay my bills..existing only to make more bills..and derive some purpose from needing to work..to make others rich..
I have nothing that makes me smile..no bright spot.
All I have is personal satisfaction.. doing my job..accomplishing the things that need to be done at work..and not having anyone question what I decided to do. .. because I got it done.
Sometimes I just have to fix some thing..to get that satisfaction ..personally that I did it.
I could spend all day every day..doing reports..research..managing.. delagating.. I never have to do anything hands-on.. but I need that..
I never wanted to be a 'boss'.. I know I am not good at it.. but I have to.. I have no outlet..nothing to be proud of.. except the things I do that only I know I do.. rarely others see.. it works..sometimes..but doing the 'amazing' with nothing, over and over and over..with no one to notice.. becomes old.
You can only pat yourself on the back so many times.. even you stop believing it.
If no one notices..did it really happen????
Not in the real world.

So..I guess I don't dwell in the real world.. I have not for so long..
I expect certain responses from certain actions..and always end up disappointed.
Why I am surprized..after half a century.. I do not know..
I really should know better.. work.. relationships..life.. parenting..
Nothing is as what was written in the manual of life..
RTFM : Read the freaking manual!
But.. I have survived thus far..
Not as expected..
Not as promised..
You know..live a good life..and be rewarded with a good life.

Wondering what happened there.
No .. I'm not living in a box under a bridge..I have somewhere to go 5 days a week.. I'm not poor because I work hard..I have bills..and I pay them.. I should be happy for all these things. But like most ..I worry about what I don't have.. and overlook what I have.
What I strive for..is always out of reach..
My '3 week' window..is no longer valid..some have changed that..
With age and time..things change..but.. here I am.. right were I was 20+ years ago.. just me. Miserable.. lamenting the status of being just me.
Yet.. i feel time is running out.. I have missed those chances..
Made those choices..the ones that make the heart happy for a few weeks..and then disappoint..
I have learned..you can never go back and try to pick up where you made the mistake...because they remember..and never forgive.
You have dissed and will always pay the price.

I am human.. I make mistakes.. oh I make mistakes..

I get the .. you hurt me..so I must never forgive..
But..if you know me at all... I know.. forgiveness is what everyone needs..or needs to embrace..
Everyone will disappoint.. either.. hurt over it ..or get over it.

Sorry for the long..disjointed post.. but it is Monday. .and I feel like
venting.

I crave being able to talk to another human.. about all the soup in my head.. I need a soul that understands my brain.. I need someone that understands that sometimes all I need is to be held... and sometimes need to be heard..to vent all in my brain. Just listen to the ooze.. that leakes from inside my skull
Sometimes..it just needs to be expressed..
To a sympathetic ear.. no judgements.. just hear.
I know how to do this..does anyone else?

I could go down that..path. despair..desperation.. laments..

But really..does anyone really care..?
I doubt it.. we only care about us..me..

I think that is the real Problem..
Me..me..me......
If we all spent some time
Thinking about anyone..but ..us.. right now..

I know..the last few paragraphs were about my issues..
But somewhere.. we need to think about others..
If we are all about just us.. the me...
No one would ever be happy.
I guess..that is why I am not.
I have no one to help be happy.

Making others happy..
Even roll your eyes back in your head happy..
Is what I have always tried to do..
But so few have allowed me.

So I am.stuck. in this Monday. .
The beginning.. that everyone dreads..
Here I am...
Just keep holding me at arms length.. and I will fall away

Oh yeah..I know.
Too good..too soon.

So how long are you going to punish yourself?

Click!

Or .. thunk.

You cannot let anyone dictate your happiness.

They have their life..to live.. you have to find yours..

Think..who has been there..who has not..
That is what matters.

Just keep pushing.. eventually.. you will succeed. . And push right off the edge. Far away.
Too far ....

Much to the sadness of us all.

R4/11/17

posted from Bloggeroid

Strange days

The past week was broken up by a day off in the middle. I needed to get some service for my car and get my young adult to the DMV to renew a license. All went well except the service was not done by the designated time..and we went home with the loaner..just to go back after work on Thursday. $800 later... I guess my car is good for another 100k miles. I am secure in the feeling that I can leave my car with the young adult for a few days..
In direct result of replacing the battery in my car..I moved the old battery to the other car.. replaced a cable and it fired up. Now to make time to visit the engine shop..get pricing on some block work.. then schedule dropping off the block.
Steps..
I need to continue to clean out the empty boxes and sort out the garage.. maybe buy some grass seed.. and seed over those bare spots in the front lawn.. plan to paint the garage door..
Maybe the house. It needs to be done.
Steps.

Work was weird..for the first couple days..got contractors in to get estimates.. processed orders.. installed repairs.. we had a corp visitor..and a staff cookout.. my department is fully staffed again..and we have tasks pending and on a schedule through July.
Equipment to upgrade and lots of work ahead.
Also the day to day stuff and repairs.

Yes..I need a vacation..
No..I have heard nothing still. But I still have to keep on doing what I can each day..every week.

So all that aside..

I am still here.
Still me..
Still just alone.
Nothing new..no alternatives..
I had a weak moment..sent a text..it was answered a couple days later with ..essentially.. im busy with me..and not concerned about you. Point taken.
Move along.

So I guess. . I am.

Plans.. I do not know why I bother. They all fall down .. no reason for expectations..they always get dashed..and here I am.

I look at my situation..and wonder why I ended up here..now..
Lots of poor choices.. mistakes and making that which should not work..sort of work.
Some mistakes I have learned hard lessons from..some I just keep repeating.. hoping for a different result. We all know that is madness.

I guess it is my kind of madness.

The things I keep repeating .. allowing the pain back in.. setting up for failure..making the wrong choice of two.. not making the reasonable choice..or not seeing where the choice will end up.
That same repeating..results..the same.. confusion.. realization that it has been done that way before. .
Yet it still hurts if you think about it..
Then the pulling away..
Yes..I grab on.. I try to pull it back..
But.. the result is always just. No.
So..here I am.. I would say confused.. but not at all.
Been here so many times.. its amazing that I don't know it is what it is.
I cannot convince anyone beyond just being me..
If that is what is decided that it is not what is needed.. that is what it is.
So the natural progression..is to seperate..cut off what you can..delete the rest.. ignore what you cant.. and just hope I go away.

I get why.. don't tease. Don't give false hope..Don't lead on.

But..seperation anxiety sets in.. the unanswered questions eat at me. Yes..I will always be someone you can ask for help or for an ear.. you will get help even if you don't ask... if I see the need.

That kind of help does not come with strings.. no expectations..
No agenda.

I know..not what anyone expects..
It is how I am..

But of course you should know this..

What am I to do?

I am just alone.

R 4/9/17

posted from Bloggeroid

Spot on!

Well I guess my first thought was right.
I was being fished.
Too bad I have nothing to give.
I have been out of touch as I was told. No reason to ask for help or no need to talk with a friend.
I told him as much the second time.
I have had no contact for months. The last contact was short.
It was when they needed someone to talk to. Not much more.

When it was decided..I was told I would not be hearing from them again as it was time to work it out. So I expected no further contact.
There has been none. Which is why I was suprized of the question, out of the blue.

Not on me..no disrespect meant to anyone.



So back to planning my own travels.
I had a weird half dream this morning. I got a response to my usual late text..and dreamt additional texts.. weird disjointed statements..but when I woke and checked my phone..nothing was there.. my mind messing with me..
I know..this trip will be interesting.. and will go in a new direction.
No one is asking for me to be more in their life. I am not asking to be more in anyones either.. no one is responding like the past.. I am just that old friend..
I need to plan my arrival..and based on landing and car rental times and travel..what to do first.
I cannot isolate or choose anyone over another.. but I do not want to alienate either.

I have changed peoples perspective of me..without trying before.
Not what I want. I love my friends.. I miss my friends..
I miss sending a text..and getting a response.. now it takes days if at all.. I know..my position has slipped. That hurts.. I am sorry I didn't meet the requirements. . The problem..is I didnt know the rules..I don't know what was required of me...
In the grand scheme.. if you know me at all.. I will do what ever I can..to make you happy.. that is what I live for.. that is what makes me the happiest.. making you smile.. that brings my perma-grin..
That is where I want to be.
Smiling.
Happy.

You know...me.. being the person I am.. i have a problem..connecting..meeting those that connect with me.
I do not express myself easily.. it takes a bit..to open up..
If you are one that has brought this out in me.. you are special to me. You allowed me to open up.. and really be me.

Really not something I know how to do.. if you have done this..it is amazing to me.. you are special ...more than you know.

This is why I am so alone..I cannot find people like you anywhere..
People I feel comfortable with.. ones I can open up to...

My problem.. laid bare.. I am an introvert..that begs to be an extrovert. I need someone that I can please.. that makes me complete..I please them..they allow me to enjoy that pleasure.
Only slightly one sided.. but if you don't get pleasure from pleasuring your other..what is the point.

This coming trip may decide a lot..if it is weird... or worse.. it will determine future destinations.
It will be a literal.. if you want me to go..I will go and not come back
Moment.

I have things I must do.. if I don't. .It's on me.
My misery..
Caused by me..and all my fault.

My problem... has been..I have never found those that have longevity.. I put my all into it..and find it was a mistake. ..
They really didn't mean it..
I was what they thought they wanted..but lo and behold.. not!.

You know... I have a lot to offer..
I know how to be .. I know what to do.. just let me do it...

No.. not for me..
I missed my chances.. im just old and grey..
Yes.. I have clawed my way here.. for no reason.. not for anyone..notmeven for me..
A waste of time and effort...
All for nothing .. I am alone. .the one thing I never wanted ..yet..here I am

R 4/8/17
.

posted from Bloggeroid

Have I been duped?

Wondering.. I was suspicious.. at first.. now I just don't know.
Someone that said we would not be talking to eachother anymore..messaged me and asked a favor.. a simple question..
Do you remember my email address..from back when?
I replied yes I do. Thinking they were gonna send me an email and ask for something.. then they replied..can you tell me what it was?
I said oh! Sure..I thought the question was some kind of test...
I was driving home.. so I answered.. when I got home.
Then after a while they asked if I knew their password?
I said sorry ..no.
Now I wonder if it was her husband..fishing.. I don't think anything could have been hacked.. but ..the initial question could have reinforced issues.. but it was so long ago.. and we have not talked since .

I just wonder.

I have tomorrow off. I have errands to do.. get done. If the weather don't throw us a curve.. it is snowing again... I should get another thing off my to do list.

Karma.. or just planning.. has presented me with a check of surplus money.. and a lower mortgage payment..down another $40 per month.. all good.
Timing.. is in my favor so far for 2017..
Of course..waiting for it all to turn on me and bite me in the ass.

Let's be positive..for now..

We will see what the dealer finds wrong with my car tomorrow.
I know someone needs a boat payment..or something..
And I have a tooth that needs looking at.. fix a filling.. but not looking to make those payments just yet..

Work is still in the change /growing pain stage.. I am trying to stay on top of things. Learning how to deal with the new bosses and systems.. got some news today about company paid cell phones.. may be ..business as usual for the rest of the year... maybe..

Starting to get things In order for my weekend trip..
I need to figure out if I am bringing a laptop..or not.. maybe just an ipad. Travel lighter..
I will only need it to check on work.. and it will be the weekend. .so barely.. between my phone and an ipad.I should be connected enough.

I have heard nothing regarding my submission.. so probably a 'who do you think you are? ' you are not worthy from a 88 to a 35..
It's ok.. it was a hopeful try..

So.. I am thinking about my trip..
I don't have any idea..other than the party..and a few that I need to visit.. I should make time for my brother.. and Adam.. maybe my cousin..30+ years is just too long.. but I only have 4 days..
I want to figure out my better than friends friendships.. but am afraid of ruining them..
I don't want to destroy any bridges.. to the ones that make me human..

I just don't know.. there are others..I should make time to see.
So i could. . If things don't work.

I need these people in my life.
I know this..

R 4/4/17

posted from Bloggeroid

Spring.. not exactly.

The snowstorm was mostly in the mountains. Tense moments for work. But left some beautiful scenery.
Got up early Sunday. Went out for a short drive for a car club breakfast meet. Sat and ate.. drank my coffee.. saw no one I knew. Talked to the guy sitting next to me..who wasn't part of the club.. and left.
Skipped the animals.. worked on some radios. Eventually cooked an early dinner and then the kiddo and I took a long drive. Up to the city and around. Enjoying the scenery. Then home. Finished my radio work. Went up to bed and read for a while. Then tried to sleep.
Got up early..went into work early..long day .. early meeting..out to a site for a simple thing that took way too long..and didnt work as expected...got some tasks to finish tomorrow. . Just work.
Made plans to take Wednesday off..get the car serviced.. get the young adult's license renewed.. I decided to wait for mine.. I have a few months.. but I believe they give temporary licenses..and I dont want to try to get on a plane with a temp license as ID.. that could be interesting..
I don't want to make the trip interesting in the airport..

I am wondering.. am I a victim of.. the .. I'm not going to be excited that you will be around.. I do want to give you the wrong idea..
Or life is just busy..we will see when you are here..

I am happy that I have finally made plans to visit.. it is so overdue..
I am afraid that people think I am pressing.. I expect something..
I don't. I know everything changes..I just do not want to lose those that I care for..those that care for me..
I have no expectations.
Yes..I always have wants and needs.. but as always..I never expect anyone to fulfill any of them...
Typical.. disappointment. . Is the rule.
There are a few exceptions.. but I pay for those .. somehow.
Usually.

My life..as boring and dull as it is.. has few bright spots..
Those shine in my memory like a beacon. .
I am always trying to keep them close to me..
Since I am such a loser.. but they make me feel special. . Needed wanted.. loved.. only a fool would throw that away..
We all need justification.. reason for being here..
That connnection once it is made..I do not want to lose it.
It is so difficult to get there.

I get pity.
I have been on the wrong end of that so many times..
I know we cared for eachother.. and now you feel obligated..
You realize. .I am unworthy.. but we have that connection...
That undeniable connection..
But.. as always.. I am not the guy.
Never the guy.
Always too good to be true..
Usually just not up to par.. not good enough.

Hell...it took the lesbian.. that needed appearances. .
20 yrs later.. im here..she is out.
Before that I was the out.. the excuse...
Hook line and anchor....

Then.. after all that.
I am here . Broken, Lost. Alone.

I know what I CAN do.. I wish I could do...for me...
I deserve more smiles..I deserve ... happy...

But.. here I am..
No choices. No future. Nothing but working till I die..paying for nothing important..
No trophy.. nothing but personal satisfaction. .
And I end up with only that.

If I am not personally satisfied.. I am not. At all.

Change is needed.. major change.


I should just move to no where and do nothing there?
I am there now.. except for work.. I am isolated.. and no one really cares.

...

R4/3/17

posted from Bloggeroid

Out in the crowd

Here I am.
I needed to get away from home .. nothing going on there.. need to be around others..strangers are ok. A couple people I know.
Time to sit and think. Listen to the music.
Re-read past few posts. Think about tasks at hand.
Keep to the plan.
Weather issues with work today. Got to check in the morning and see where things are.

Need to figure out the trip..nail down some outline of things that need to be done. Of Course plans will change as need be..but dont want to be aimless. The needs of who to see and who to spend time with., I have the get together Saturday night. But no other scheduled plans. Only 3 people know I will be there..I never want to tell too many for fear of not having enough time..and disappointing someone .. as I always do.
I can always plan another.. just have follow through.
Lots depend on work. I expect to be busy..I expect to need to be there.. but.. it has been 2 years since I was able to be seen.. and I know my image is fading to some.

It is what it is..
I have been told you cannot go back home.
Meaning it is never what you thought it was.. and it always changes to something different over time.
Right now at this place..as I have been for quite a while.. I have no new options. Nothing jumping out to me..not that I have been looking real hard. But it is time. I have the means to take advantage of the opportunity. . Changes could help.. and give me something new.
I also rationalize that a change may be what my young adult needs to be her own person. Completing the parent job.. one thing I am stressing over..one of many.

I have made steps at home. Spring cleaning.. I need to see about a long lunch and check on my car project.. start moving ..
I know where..I just need to find out how much and how long..drop it off and order the parts...
If it ever stops snowing... and warms up.. yep.. a warm winter..now a snowy spring.. cold and wet.
It is at least a month project at most. Its been 3 years...

Well, still alone.. mostly over my cold. Been spending too much time at work. But never much to come home to. Cooking and cleaning..
Yard work... need a plan.. get some things upgraded ..

It's been an hour.. thinning out..a little. Still loud..

Even though I am alone. I needed this. To be around others.
I fell asleep when I got home..then debated leaving.. but It was a good idea. .. so far.
Shook 3 hands and got 2 hugs.. had 3 drinks..
Could be worse.

Maybe..I should text a few people Sunday.. see what they are up to..

Animals?? Tomorrow? If not..cleaning..cooking..and probably work.

I will try not to burn any bridges.. promise.

No..not an April fool.. trying not to be a fool.

R 4/2/17

posted from Bloggeroid

Week done...it was a tough one.

No major problems. Just sucessful and busy.
My visit from my new corporate boss went better than I expected.
I got $75,000 worth of equipment from it... well my work did...
Unexpected..and moving forward with it.
It will help.
Over all, I think we came out well. He got what we do, and how we do it... we are not wasting their money.
I did get some good news from him.. I wont be firing my team in October. Which was the former companies plan.. I keep them for another year at least.
Also...my tech will be back next monday..so schedules will go back to normal.
Lots of projects to get going.. big and small. Planning to do.

I have heard nothing more from my submission. For an important position..I sort of get it.. but I was under the assumption they wanted to fill that quickly..so I was expecting some contact..
I will wait.. plenty to do till then.

Ok..
Got my time off approval..made my reservations..let people know..
Travel and transportation and a place to sleep. Check ..check..check..
Now to get ready to go.. get the car serviced so there are no issues while I am gone.. scheduled. .get licenses updated..planned..
Smooth over visitation issues.. working on it.
It is where I want to be..
I have the school get together party.. Saturday night. .I need to make time to visit certain people..the ones that want to see me.. maybe try to see some others I missed before.. also..squeeze in my brother.. and Maybe my old friend Ruben. I didn't know if there is enough time..

I am worried..that I may cause issues with mom and daughter..
Not what I want. I will make adjustments if that happens.
There is nothing owed..I do not expect special consideration...just because..
I know..for all the reasons that are obvious.. I am not a favorite with the daughter.. sorry. I also know there is not one thing I can do to change that. The last thing I want is to be a thorn between her and her mom.
I will just walk away before I become a problem to them.
They need each other.

No one..needs me.
Especially if I am 'the' problem.
Not what I want.

So any of the other grief I am hearing.. imagine.. is not helping.
I have stepped away..a lot.. more than I feel comfortable. . This place I am standing on..is a narrow ledge.. if I misstep. . I fall away.. gone. (See me again in 10 yrs.. gone)
Been done..far less pain.. yep..still pain..just less.

I heard..absense makes the heart grow fonder. .. bull.
Absence... lets people forget.. age..helps people forget the rest.
A memory. .can be fond..or hazy.
Me .. being me.. I am always the one in the haze.. easily mistaken.. usually just a memory..if at all.
Nothing special..just a guy. One that cared....was 'sweet'.. but never 'the one'.. a pit stop.. a learning experience. . Easily replaced..
Yes..fond memories to the right persons.. but ..never the one that is 'the one that got away' or the ' the major regret that I never treated well' ...oh I have heard that.. on occasion. .but from the happily married...established.. too late.. you missed it.

Not that that hurts at all.............

Now.. I am old..grey and here.
Ignored primarily..
Not making new friends...
No 'network' of opportunity..
The ones from my past..
Are intrigued..but wonder why I am here now.
What damage I have..what baggage I carry.
I ask the same.. at this age.. we all have baggage..
We deal with it as we need to.. not everyone knows how to accept it
Some of us do..we are dealing with our own demons..
We may be accepting of yours..or not..
My own..made me the guy I am.. with the resevations I have..but In the time beyond that..I have learned.. but am still me.. the me I am ..
Yet... the me that is still alone..and really hates being alone..

Time to stop..I need to think about tomorrow.
The past..good or bad..is done.
Yes..it influenced the person I am now.. better or worse..but here I am.
I need to find my happiness. .
Somewhere..
Someone.
Sometime.

Oh! Hello April Fool.. is that me??



R 4/1/17

posted from Bloggeroid