Yeah, I do that now and then.. fix the fat fingered mistakes. Clarify text to make sense.
So . .. here I am.
Trauma indirectly in my life..and directly at work.. same issue.. same reason.. different hats to wear..
A friend of mine decided to leave. And chose a bullet to exit.
That is a problem. He was a friend.
His roommate..my employee found him. He is dealing ..barely.. with that. He is already a PTSD veteran with baby momma issues.. and in the last year has lost co-veterans and friends and family.. had a cancer scare.. he is a wreck. Being a former medic..seeing so much death and being in peril. .then coming home to a cheating wife then a divorce and unemployment.. with thoughts of self destruction too..just a young guy that the world has been handing shit to for too long. A great guy.. but so troubled.
Not to mention ..now all the guilt for not being there to stop his friend.
I pray for his safety.
It is very hard to deal with..
My own greif and anger..and confusion.. with the rest of the day to day stresses.. and now having to make sure he has a job..gets paid..and keep my department running..down one person..
Fortunately my guys are pitching in..and volunteering to fill his shifts..HR is making sure he gets counseling as well as getting paid time off.
He has been handed the wrong end of the stick..and I hope that his realization that he needs to be here for his kids..will keep him from deciding to leave..or do anything stupid.
Life can suck. .and sometimes it just falls on you.
So in light of all that..
I have it pretty good.
Yes.. I am alone..and very lonely..
No one is looking out for me..
No one is trying to help me be happy..
It is all up to me..
So I must make corrections.. find things to help me.
No one else Is.. so it is for me to figure out..
Sure..I can just keep doing what I have been.. and hope it will matter and someone will notice.. or I can find positive changes and make them happen.
It is really always been my decision.
I need to figure out my equity in my life..and cash it in..and use it for me. Just getting to that point.
No one cares what I do..or where I am.. it is my responsibility to do for me.
My level of outside contact..beyond thise that need me to do something.. is non-existant..
I have found if I don't contact them..I don't exist.
I am really thinking of moving away from here..not telling anyone where I am going..getting settled in and just dropping off all contact.. no one will notice..
My online presence would not change.. no one could tell.
Then I would just fade away. Stop looking for 'friend's' stop trying to connect with old friends.. and just fade away.
I already feel that no one 'needs' me in their life.. for what ever reason.. family is not that important .. even if we reach out.. and get no response.. black sheep ... heathen..or what ever..
If I don't pry my way in no one notices.. (translate as 'cares').
If I am in their face..it is.. hey! Where have you been???.
I am such a lonely guy.. I eat that up..
Fall for it.
You know..I am not young and impressional.. I never was..
I was always smarter than that.. it has not changed.
Which is why I am alone.
Yes..I will need to re-read this over and over tomorrow.
To know exactly what I am feeling.. ..
I really have no idea..in my waking state...this has always been my conscience..or sub-conscience. . Making it to the surface.
Revelations. .to me and all that read these. .brain dumps.
There are few that read this that I know.
Those that don't know me..and read this..
Thanks. I hope it helps you.
Those that know me.
You know me better than anyone else.
This is my soul..
It is my core.. of my being.. laid bare
My insecurities. .my doubts.. my anguish..day to day.
Really nothing a gallon of beer can't supress.. or excite...
I have spent the last few years...
Trying to figure out..
Tmi.
.vs
The need to share..and purge...
The definition..depends greatly on the audience.
You have to know...your audience.
Trust..
Random..
The right now
The..OMG..did I tell them that???
A fine line.
I know I have the capacity to scare away anyone.
Done it.
Living it.
Ok..for you that have the time to read and understand the ramblings that come out of my mind..
Thank you. If I could give you a hug..I would.
For the very few..I know personally. . And hope to see in person..
You owe me a hug to envy all..
Good night.
R 3/15/17
So . .. here I am.
Trauma indirectly in my life..and directly at work.. same issue.. same reason.. different hats to wear..
A friend of mine decided to leave. And chose a bullet to exit.
That is a problem. He was a friend.
His roommate..my employee found him. He is dealing ..barely.. with that. He is already a PTSD veteran with baby momma issues.. and in the last year has lost co-veterans and friends and family.. had a cancer scare.. he is a wreck. Being a former medic..seeing so much death and being in peril. .then coming home to a cheating wife then a divorce and unemployment.. with thoughts of self destruction too..just a young guy that the world has been handing shit to for too long. A great guy.. but so troubled.
Not to mention ..now all the guilt for not being there to stop his friend.
I pray for his safety.
It is very hard to deal with..
My own greif and anger..and confusion.. with the rest of the day to day stresses.. and now having to make sure he has a job..gets paid..and keep my department running..down one person..
Fortunately my guys are pitching in..and volunteering to fill his shifts..HR is making sure he gets counseling as well as getting paid time off.
He has been handed the wrong end of the stick..and I hope that his realization that he needs to be here for his kids..will keep him from deciding to leave..or do anything stupid.
Life can suck. .and sometimes it just falls on you.
So in light of all that..
I have it pretty good.
Yes.. I am alone..and very lonely..
No one is looking out for me..
No one is trying to help me be happy..
It is all up to me..
So I must make corrections.. find things to help me.
No one else Is.. so it is for me to figure out..
Sure..I can just keep doing what I have been.. and hope it will matter and someone will notice.. or I can find positive changes and make them happen.
It is really always been my decision.
I need to figure out my equity in my life..and cash it in..and use it for me. Just getting to that point.
No one cares what I do..or where I am.. it is my responsibility to do for me.
My level of outside contact..beyond thise that need me to do something.. is non-existant..
I have found if I don't contact them..I don't exist.
I am really thinking of moving away from here..not telling anyone where I am going..getting settled in and just dropping off all contact.. no one will notice..
My online presence would not change.. no one could tell.
Then I would just fade away. Stop looking for 'friend's' stop trying to connect with old friends.. and just fade away.
I already feel that no one 'needs' me in their life.. for what ever reason.. family is not that important .. even if we reach out.. and get no response.. black sheep ... heathen..or what ever..
If I don't pry my way in no one notices.. (translate as 'cares').
If I am in their face..it is.. hey! Where have you been???.
I am such a lonely guy.. I eat that up..
Fall for it.
You know..I am not young and impressional.. I never was..
I was always smarter than that.. it has not changed.
Which is why I am alone.
Yes..I will need to re-read this over and over tomorrow.
To know exactly what I am feeling.. ..
I really have no idea..in my waking state...this has always been my conscience..or sub-conscience. . Making it to the surface.
Revelations. .to me and all that read these. .brain dumps.
There are few that read this that I know.
Those that don't know me..and read this..
Thanks. I hope it helps you.
Those that know me.
You know me better than anyone else.
This is my soul..
It is my core.. of my being.. laid bare
My insecurities. .my doubts.. my anguish..day to day.
Really nothing a gallon of beer can't supress.. or excite...
I have spent the last few years...
Trying to figure out..
Tmi.
.vs
The need to share..and purge...
The definition..depends greatly on the audience.
You have to know...your audience.
Trust..
Random..
The right now
The..OMG..did I tell them that???
A fine line.
I know I have the capacity to scare away anyone.
Done it.
Living it.
Ok..for you that have the time to read and understand the ramblings that come out of my mind..
Thank you. If I could give you a hug..I would.
For the very few..I know personally. . And hope to see in person..
You owe me a hug to envy all..
Good night.
R 3/15/17
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