I can sit.. and keep this going or I can get up and make some choices to change.
I am really not prepped for a change.. there is lots to do..
If the change was to be accepted.. lots to do and figure out in a short time.
Even if I don't. .I should start decluttering my life.
Start spring cleaning. Make some changes.. clean up my house.. my garage, my shed. Just to start..
Then I should think about the car engine. .and the rennovations of my living space.
The decisions.. can be a frightening change.. but may be a necessasary thing.. it would all depend on asking and getting an answer.. that would put the wheels in motion.
And changes would happen. I am getting to that point where I am realizing this is not the place I want to be for the next 10 yrs. Physically..finacially..mentally.
I need to stop floating..and work on what I need to do for my future.
I have hit the stagnation point.. where little makes me happy.. work is the only place I want to be..because its busy and I am not left alone for long and almost always have something to do.
An example.. today.. I got up early.. day off. Something scheduled for noon.. ended up waiting.. all day for nothing.. at 5, I went for a drive to get out of the house..and had no where to go.. drove round.. ended up visiting a store..and bought nothing..and went home to cook dinner.. ate..dozed on the couch.. finally got up and went into my office and napped on the bed ..then decided I needed a beer.
Just a wasted day. Aimless.
So.. tomorrow. . Decisions.. should I ..or should I keep on..
After dinner..I. could start pulling boxes out of the storage space..and start sorting and finding the trash..and the keeps.. I know there is lots to be thrown out.
This could be a month long process.. it would keep me busy.
And a necessary thing.
I heard .. not directly.. that there is plans for another class get together.. the end of next month. I want to just show.. but wonder why I haven't been asked..??
I need to see those from my pasts.. too many lost..just need to keep the connections.. we are just getting older.
So.. should I make the decision..to make a change.. it is actually a request..that still needs to be accepted..I need to qualify..
And be chosen.. and then wheels need to start rolling.
Negative me: I won't get it anyway..why apply..
I interview terribly.. I have not had to for nearly 15 yrs.. my skills are not fantastic.. adequate..but against others would pale... but maybe..
Positive me: I should try just the same..
It would let those above me know I am looking. .good and bad thing..but appreciation may change.. maybe ...maybe the sign ..
It would let them know.. I do because I am here. Time to be somewhere else..
I have made these changes before..sometimes without planning other than lets go.. and done. Survived.. it was nearly 15 yrs ago. . And it was tough.. but done and here I am.
All I can look for is lateral moves..and try to end up where I want to be..as opposed to where I am.
You know..I moved here to be happy.. to make others happy in turn make me happy.. that seems like it was so long ago.. it didn't work..
And here I am.
My thought is maybe..my floundering young adult will appreciate any lifestyle change.. and find her place..
I won't care.. my current life is based on work..if I have it.. I can do it. Without it..I would not know what to do.
I have no personal life.. not for more than a year..
No one is approaching me..and me being me..am not approaching anyone.. which makes for a lonely guy.
I can.. I have.. but it is so hard.
So hard to reach out..and try.
Scary..and I hate rejection.. never a fan..never something I can deal with..
So.. the decision I want to make..is that much tougher..
I just don't know how to make the decision..
Will it hurt me? Will it help?
Will no one really care..
Can I make an impression?
Arrrghhh..
Ok.. time to stop..
Just a personal note..way out of line..
I was thinking about you.. all weekend..
I truly miss you.
Yet..I'm scared.. I never want to put pressure..
Our conversations are alway good, you always put a smile on my face and make me happy.
I just want you to know.. I miss you and the connection.
Just ignore the above.. it is my inner me..
Bleeding In to my fingers.. reaching...
143.
Good night.
I need to go home.
Sleep and decisions await..
R
3/13/17
posted from Bloggeroid
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