Deleted
posted from Bloggeroid
Sunday, March 26, 2017
Busy week ahead
I need to get over this cold. I have lots of stuff going on at work this week coming. Plus my assistant will be out on vacation. All on me.
I have scheduled equipment to fix or ship. I need to install a server and 2 workstations.. of course get them remotely configured...tested and approved. I have my corporate boss in work on Tuesday.. lots of things to review..after the meet and greet and tour..and lunch with the GM and ND. We get to review projects and requested money.. discuss needs and wants.
He will be one I answer to going forward....
I expect to get equipment and parts to finish other things..
In addition to all the rest.
I need to find time to slip out and go to the dmv.. maybe the week after. I also need to get my car serviced.
Still no progress with my young adult.. no wants..no aspirations. .no motivation.
Still just sitting at home after work.. and with this cold...I don't want to make it worse..so I am restricting the alcohol. .plus. with meetings tuesday..early and all day.. I probably should not be hung over..
It's a quiet weekend. Been under the house..in the crawlspace. More boxes to cut down and recycle. Got another 1/4 out..and breaking them down..
Plenty to do. Motivation is holding on..
I got the form response to my submission. . We will see if it was enough to spark interest.
Bills are in..most paid. Cable bill went up $30.. ???
End of a discount.. time to dump it all.
It was nice to chat with friends.. a few yesterday..
In time to hear I have a trip planned.
My niece had twin baby girls yesterday.. they say it skips a generation.. her Dad was supposed to be a twin. .
We had a day of cold and snow.. now it will be heading back up to the 60's.. springtime in Colorado. .
All the same.. I need to keep moving... I need to start on the garage as soon as the weather warms up. I found a motor shop..it need to cut out early one day and bring the engine in.. one more task.. got to keep stepping..
At least im not bored.
Always plenty to do..
Did you know .. if you put lipstick on a piece of paper..then wrap that around another paper..it will transfer to the other..after you mail it..
Luckily the imprint was on the back.. I dont think the bank noticed...
I did!
:)
It made my day.. it was a cute gesture.
I have the normal to do tomorrow. . If I dont..I will work on boxes..
Or just sleep..not that the cat will let me sleep much.
I am missing lots of people these past few days.
Missing a place that is friendly and familliar..
Missing hugs and warmth. The kind you share..
Unlike the 'Dr.' Hugs for me are not a way to hide your face..
It has become a bit more ..no.. a lot more than that to me..
Miss them..miss you all.
I need to travel.. visit.. see things and people.
R 3/25/17
I have scheduled equipment to fix or ship. I need to install a server and 2 workstations.. of course get them remotely configured...tested and approved. I have my corporate boss in work on Tuesday.. lots of things to review..after the meet and greet and tour..and lunch with the GM and ND. We get to review projects and requested money.. discuss needs and wants.
He will be one I answer to going forward....
I expect to get equipment and parts to finish other things..
In addition to all the rest.
I need to find time to slip out and go to the dmv.. maybe the week after. I also need to get my car serviced.
Still no progress with my young adult.. no wants..no aspirations. .no motivation.
Still just sitting at home after work.. and with this cold...I don't want to make it worse..so I am restricting the alcohol. .plus. with meetings tuesday..early and all day.. I probably should not be hung over..
It's a quiet weekend. Been under the house..in the crawlspace. More boxes to cut down and recycle. Got another 1/4 out..and breaking them down..
Plenty to do. Motivation is holding on..
I got the form response to my submission. . We will see if it was enough to spark interest.
Bills are in..most paid. Cable bill went up $30.. ???
End of a discount.. time to dump it all.
It was nice to chat with friends.. a few yesterday..
In time to hear I have a trip planned.
My niece had twin baby girls yesterday.. they say it skips a generation.. her Dad was supposed to be a twin. .
We had a day of cold and snow.. now it will be heading back up to the 60's.. springtime in Colorado. .
All the same.. I need to keep moving... I need to start on the garage as soon as the weather warms up. I found a motor shop..it need to cut out early one day and bring the engine in.. one more task.. got to keep stepping..
At least im not bored.
Always plenty to do..
Did you know .. if you put lipstick on a piece of paper..then wrap that around another paper..it will transfer to the other..after you mail it..
Luckily the imprint was on the back.. I dont think the bank noticed...
I did!
:)
It made my day.. it was a cute gesture.
I have the normal to do tomorrow. . If I dont..I will work on boxes..
Or just sleep..not that the cat will let me sleep much.
I am missing lots of people these past few days.
Missing a place that is friendly and familliar..
Missing hugs and warmth. The kind you share..
Unlike the 'Dr.' Hugs for me are not a way to hide your face..
It has become a bit more ..no.. a lot more than that to me..
Miss them..miss you all.
I need to travel.. visit.. see things and people.
R 3/25/17
posted from Bloggeroid
Friday, March 24, 2017
Steps..almost walking
Yes.. I completed the online form...and submitted.
Done..out of my hands. Wait.. see if I get a call.
Had to modify the original available date..
Made other plans.. actually made plans. Signed and sealed.
Then I was invited.. go figure.
Im glad I made that step. Maybe I will be recruited.. so ill get to go somewhere..
Time to service the car.. time to get id's renewed..
Also time to clean out the garage.
Steps..
Hey.. im gonna start messaging old friends..
See who is still around.
Steps to change.
Hey..I miss seeing those that care.
I miss hugs and human touch. I miss the mental and physical and spiritual. I am out here on this island.. the one that no one wants to visit.
The place I am calling home is changed..and it has every
Where. But I need to find familiar.. or at least close to familiar..
I miss the ocean..and those I know near the ocean.
Mountains are great and all ..but with no one to share it with..it just another pile of rocks.
Yeah..a bit negative..but ... really.. nothing is special by yourself.
If you can't share it.. what is the point.
You get to a place..a point in your life.. where either you are sharing..teaching or done. Earlier you have that time where you are doing everything for others..and at some point..you realize you forgot to do for you..usually it is later in your life..it is not selfish..it self preservation for sanity. If you have not done anything for you..once everyone pushes you to the side..you are alone and have nothing. You don't know how to do anything for you.
And there you are.. lost and done know the steps to find where you put that happiness..
Let me step forward.
I need to. The forked road has forks on each branch.. choices depend on others.. but the step is mine.
I have started walking.. I am not standing still in the river.. I have started stepping with the flow.. lets see..if I am careful.. how far I get before falling. I may drift a bit down stream..but I will get back up .. and step some more..
I won't go where I am not wanted.. i may go where I am not invited..
Just to see if I am needed.
I know I need to be needed.
I like to be wanted..
I'd love to be loved.
So .. I made some steps.. and started some things..
You know the strange thing..
I have had no response..
Hey! Im not teasing.. respond.
I am taking the steps..
Walk with me..walk toward me..
We may just bump into each other...
I am taking slow measured steps..
I am determined to make positive decisions to help others and me.
No one else will.
Right now in this place and time I have nothing.
Not one major thing..
I am adrift.. so lost in work and lonelyness. . I have been looking for the..that should be THE reason to do the next thing.
I have never lived my life for me..it has always been for others..
That is what makes me happiest.
Most wont let me anymore. . They are looking for the why.. what is my motive..I can't just do..to make me happy..
So the steps I make..are checked..measured..
Yet..I am alone.
You know..if one person.. just one.. could take a moment.. and look
They would see me. The me that is there but no one sees.
Every now and then.. someone catches a glimpse..
If they realize it.. and they act.. momentary bliss happens. .
But never lasts. Because..the ..me.. they thought they saw.. although still me..it not what they or their friends or family could handle.
So they step away.. really not knowing why..then life steps in..and they just forget..they think they remember..but what they remember is tainted..skewed by the perception of others..If I was there.. closer..I would remind you and others..that it is real..their opinion matters..but is incorrect. Why..one can only guess.. but wrong..about me..
Think about it..
Would you be allowed to take a no questions asked gift..with no repayment..required.. from me?.. or would someone be questioning me and my motives.
Steps...I cannot make..or persuade someone..to ever accept me.
It has been the story of my life..acceptance is difficult.
In reality.. I have given up on acceptance.
It matters but it isnt a requirement.
I have made the steps toward conformity..failed but made the effort.
Yet..here I am.. strong..but broken.
Wondering what I should do next..
Time to step somewhere .. please..step with me ..if you dare..
Step..
Sometimes with most with out..
You would think..I would be used to being where I am.
I have skills. I am useful. And in the right place .. everyone could be happy and safe.
R 3/24/17
Done..out of my hands. Wait.. see if I get a call.
Had to modify the original available date..
Made other plans.. actually made plans. Signed and sealed.
Then I was invited.. go figure.
Im glad I made that step. Maybe I will be recruited.. so ill get to go somewhere..
Time to service the car.. time to get id's renewed..
Also time to clean out the garage.
Steps..
Hey.. im gonna start messaging old friends..
See who is still around.
Steps to change.
Hey..I miss seeing those that care.
I miss hugs and human touch. I miss the mental and physical and spiritual. I am out here on this island.. the one that no one wants to visit.
The place I am calling home is changed..and it has every
Where. But I need to find familiar.. or at least close to familiar..
I miss the ocean..and those I know near the ocean.
Mountains are great and all ..but with no one to share it with..it just another pile of rocks.
Yeah..a bit negative..but ... really.. nothing is special by yourself.
If you can't share it.. what is the point.
You get to a place..a point in your life.. where either you are sharing..teaching or done. Earlier you have that time where you are doing everything for others..and at some point..you realize you forgot to do for you..usually it is later in your life..it is not selfish..it self preservation for sanity. If you have not done anything for you..once everyone pushes you to the side..you are alone and have nothing. You don't know how to do anything for you.
And there you are.. lost and done know the steps to find where you put that happiness..
Let me step forward.
I need to. The forked road has forks on each branch.. choices depend on others.. but the step is mine.
I have started walking.. I am not standing still in the river.. I have started stepping with the flow.. lets see..if I am careful.. how far I get before falling. I may drift a bit down stream..but I will get back up .. and step some more..
I won't go where I am not wanted.. i may go where I am not invited..
Just to see if I am needed.
I know I need to be needed.
I like to be wanted..
I'd love to be loved.
So .. I made some steps.. and started some things..
You know the strange thing..
I have had no response..
Hey! Im not teasing.. respond.
I am taking the steps..
Walk with me..walk toward me..
We may just bump into each other...
I am taking slow measured steps..
I am determined to make positive decisions to help others and me.
No one else will.
Right now in this place and time I have nothing.
Not one major thing..
I am adrift.. so lost in work and lonelyness. . I have been looking for the..that should be THE reason to do the next thing.
I have never lived my life for me..it has always been for others..
That is what makes me happiest.
Most wont let me anymore. . They are looking for the why.. what is my motive..I can't just do..to make me happy..
So the steps I make..are checked..measured..
Yet..I am alone.
You know..if one person.. just one.. could take a moment.. and look
They would see me. The me that is there but no one sees.
Every now and then.. someone catches a glimpse..
If they realize it.. and they act.. momentary bliss happens. .
But never lasts. Because..the ..me.. they thought they saw.. although still me..it not what they or their friends or family could handle.
So they step away.. really not knowing why..then life steps in..and they just forget..they think they remember..but what they remember is tainted..skewed by the perception of others..If I was there.. closer..I would remind you and others..that it is real..their opinion matters..but is incorrect. Why..one can only guess.. but wrong..about me..
Think about it..
Would you be allowed to take a no questions asked gift..with no repayment..required.. from me?.. or would someone be questioning me and my motives.
Steps...I cannot make..or persuade someone..to ever accept me.
It has been the story of my life..acceptance is difficult.
In reality.. I have given up on acceptance.
It matters but it isnt a requirement.
I have made the steps toward conformity..failed but made the effort.
Yet..here I am.. strong..but broken.
Wondering what I should do next..
Time to step somewhere .. please..step with me ..if you dare..
Step..
Sometimes with most with out..
You would think..I would be used to being where I am.
I have skills. I am useful. And in the right place .. everyone could be happy and safe.
R 3/24/17
posted from Bloggeroid
Wednesday, March 22, 2017
Getting more done..spring is here
A bit of a roller coaster at work these past weeks.
Giving considerations to a few things. Pushing back the things that got pushed back. I might have pushed it forward. might.
Went to the work website..started creating my profile.
Steps.
Got ongoing employee issues..
Really how many times do I have to tell you to be on time.
Is it that difficult, really?
Its fine that you make up the time.. stay a bit late..but the guy your relieving..is waiting..and has been charging the time..
So I end up paying you both.. not good. You have been told..time to write it up again..
I got home tonight.. finished the dishes..then since only the cat was up..I went out and raked the yard. Twigs and dead loose grass.. its supposed to rain in the next few days.. cleaned it up and bagged it.
Then went in and cooked dinner. Another spring thing done.
I should seed and water... make it look pretty.
It does look a lot better.
Got some things in the mail to work on. Started last night. Did the diagnosis. . Need some parts in one..need more investigation in the other.. then let the client know the damage. Order the parts and tune them up.
Got more cleaning..more cardboard to get rid of.
I have work projects still waffling. . One new one to start. And maybe a trip to the transmitter tomorrow.
I have a security fence to get quotes for.. one step up from the original.. key card access to the employee entrances and parking lot. Maybe get Garage quote for the expensive vehicles.
Hail protection.
I wont get the garage...unless I can find other uses for it that generate revenue.. a deck on the roof..
I just need to get determined to do the things that will make my future possible.. change is in my mind.. things that need to be planned and acted on. Made real.
Maybe I can make a smile happen..
No thing or one helping me find that smile..
The paycheck is good..but its not a consolation. . Its just helping me pay my bills..
Slowly..
I make them faster than paying them off.
I need to fix that.
I dont have any reason..
I need to put things in motion..
Thanks for the interrupting chat..
Im back.. and not as dark..
Old friends can do that.
I just need to embrace the spring fever and get things started..to get to an end. Or at least.. a new beginning..or continuance..
You know.. I realize I get these moments in my life..that wow me..and I get attached to the moment.. and find it really hard to seperate.. especially when there is nothing that compares..
You never give up the optimal when the options ..or alternatives are only settlements.. but.. you find..you are never what the optimal wants.. mostly you dont know ..they don't know..what it is they want..except..for right now..it isn't you.
Even if it is.. they refuse to admit it.. accept it..
So.. you both end up alone.
Not really anyones fault.. just bad timing.
It was right..for a moment..
This has repeated over and over in my life..
No. I am not that young any more.. and this has been going on for a long time.. you would think it would not hurt as much. But the scar tissue..does not insulate as much as you would think.
Ouch.
Well I guess that is what I get for being an introvert geek..
You are allowed to be ..almost there... but that is it.
Well I guess he happy wore off. Or the beer wore on..
Time to close out..
R 3/22/17
Giving considerations to a few things. Pushing back the things that got pushed back. I might have pushed it forward. might.
Went to the work website..started creating my profile.
Steps.
Got ongoing employee issues..
Really how many times do I have to tell you to be on time.
Is it that difficult, really?
Its fine that you make up the time.. stay a bit late..but the guy your relieving..is waiting..and has been charging the time..
So I end up paying you both.. not good. You have been told..time to write it up again..
I got home tonight.. finished the dishes..then since only the cat was up..I went out and raked the yard. Twigs and dead loose grass.. its supposed to rain in the next few days.. cleaned it up and bagged it.
Then went in and cooked dinner. Another spring thing done.
I should seed and water... make it look pretty.
It does look a lot better.
Got some things in the mail to work on. Started last night. Did the diagnosis. . Need some parts in one..need more investigation in the other.. then let the client know the damage. Order the parts and tune them up.
Got more cleaning..more cardboard to get rid of.
I have work projects still waffling. . One new one to start. And maybe a trip to the transmitter tomorrow.
I have a security fence to get quotes for.. one step up from the original.. key card access to the employee entrances and parking lot. Maybe get Garage quote for the expensive vehicles.
Hail protection.
I wont get the garage...unless I can find other uses for it that generate revenue.. a deck on the roof..
I just need to get determined to do the things that will make my future possible.. change is in my mind.. things that need to be planned and acted on. Made real.
Maybe I can make a smile happen..
No thing or one helping me find that smile..
The paycheck is good..but its not a consolation. . Its just helping me pay my bills..
Slowly..
I make them faster than paying them off.
I need to fix that.
I dont have any reason..
I need to put things in motion..
Thanks for the interrupting chat..
Im back.. and not as dark..
Old friends can do that.
I just need to embrace the spring fever and get things started..to get to an end. Or at least.. a new beginning..or continuance..
You know.. I realize I get these moments in my life..that wow me..and I get attached to the moment.. and find it really hard to seperate.. especially when there is nothing that compares..
You never give up the optimal when the options ..or alternatives are only settlements.. but.. you find..you are never what the optimal wants.. mostly you dont know ..they don't know..what it is they want..except..for right now..it isn't you.
Even if it is.. they refuse to admit it.. accept it..
So.. you both end up alone.
Not really anyones fault.. just bad timing.
It was right..for a moment..
This has repeated over and over in my life..
No. I am not that young any more.. and this has been going on for a long time.. you would think it would not hurt as much. But the scar tissue..does not insulate as much as you would think.
Ouch.
Well I guess that is what I get for being an introvert geek..
You are allowed to be ..almost there... but that is it.
Well I guess he happy wore off. Or the beer wore on..
Time to close out..
R 3/22/17
posted from Bloggeroid
Monday, March 20, 2017
Steps
I had a post.. but it got corrupted.
I have made steps toward getting the things done.
Did a bit today..cleaned out my crawl space..a little.
I decided to move it all to the patio and sit inthe sun and cut up empty boxes.
Much more to do..but a step toward completion.
Hopefully it will keep perpetually motivating me to get the stuff done.
Steps.. and acomplishments.
My friend is gone.
I am dealing with the loss as I do.
My beliefs help me cope.
I hope those around this can cope as well however they need to.
I think my reaction looks cold.. but it does affect me. I have so few friends..that the los of one.. cuts me deep.
I just deal with the loss differently than most I know.
It don't mean I dont care.
Good night.
R 3/20/17
I have made steps toward getting the things done.
Did a bit today..cleaned out my crawl space..a little.
I decided to move it all to the patio and sit inthe sun and cut up empty boxes.
Much more to do..but a step toward completion.
Hopefully it will keep perpetually motivating me to get the stuff done.
Steps.. and acomplishments.
My friend is gone.
I am dealing with the loss as I do.
My beliefs help me cope.
I hope those around this can cope as well however they need to.
I think my reaction looks cold.. but it does affect me. I have so few friends..that the los of one.. cuts me deep.
I just deal with the loss differently than most I know.
It don't mean I dont care.
Good night.
R 3/20/17
posted from Bloggeroid
Sunday, March 19, 2017
How do I get started?
Things to do.
I need to find a starting place.
I have several things that need to get done.
I can't start them all at once..I don't know how to make sure they get finished. I need the appropriate motivation to get started..
I am scared of one.
I am not sure I will be able to finish another and if I dont, I will create another bigger mess..
I have a third that will require time. Which I have to make.
And a related one could happen alongside the former if I get going.
Another that requires scheduling..timing. and such.
Yet another..that I just need to pick a day..and follow through with the planning..and make it happen.
None of this is work related. All are personal things. Things I know and want to do.
I just need a place to start.. something to make me want to start and finish these things.
Help would be nice..but I don't expect it.
A few of the things could start the rest in motion.
Forcing some to need to be completed sooner than later.
Probably why I have been putting it off..but if I wait so long., some of the opportunity will disappear.
Then I can scratch that off... bad move..I just need to do it.
That will put wheels in motion.. in lots of places.. good and bad.
But it may open a couple eyes too..in and out of work.
I know.
STOP thinking about it and DO IT!
all they can say is no.
On a side note..
Sorry if I am a broken record..
WOW!!!! I love the hair and the look!.
So..so..very pretty.. fits you well.
Had to put it here.
Ok.. I am asking .. to the universe.. find me some motivation..some way out of this stagnation. Some starting point that will domino Into a completion of projects..a way to get things done.
To move forward..to really step out of the river and stop letting things pass me by.
I think I know what I need to do.
Tomorrow is a scheduled day.. if it falls down at noon.. time to pick one and start something. I have been thinking about it. . It is a step in the direction..
It has needed to be done for a long time..
It is time.
Ok.
Had a few to think..
You still mean a lot to me.
What am I to do?
I cannot deny what is in me.
I need more. I think I should fix.. .me...
Or I should just give up. Realize it is done..and gone.
Zoned.
Lost.
Yep..still all alone with the pictures in my head.
They make for wonderful memories... and good dreams..
But I am still here by myself.
I don't think I have ..that ..place any more..
So.. should I put it in the file.. and close the drawer?
Close that book. Put it on the shelf..?
Next to the rest.. there are a few..so you will have good company.
You won't be alone.
Yeah.. it's something that I think about.
Loneliness will do that.
Rejection..even on the best level... does that.
Sorry.. that is how it is..
Things to do.. places to start.. motivation to find.
Yes..I decided to take your suggestion..
Beer.
R 3/19/17
I need to find a starting place.
I have several things that need to get done.
I can't start them all at once..I don't know how to make sure they get finished. I need the appropriate motivation to get started..
I am scared of one.
I am not sure I will be able to finish another and if I dont, I will create another bigger mess..
I have a third that will require time. Which I have to make.
And a related one could happen alongside the former if I get going.
Another that requires scheduling..timing. and such.
Yet another..that I just need to pick a day..and follow through with the planning..and make it happen.
None of this is work related. All are personal things. Things I know and want to do.
I just need a place to start.. something to make me want to start and finish these things.
Help would be nice..but I don't expect it.
A few of the things could start the rest in motion.
Forcing some to need to be completed sooner than later.
Probably why I have been putting it off..but if I wait so long., some of the opportunity will disappear.
Then I can scratch that off... bad move..I just need to do it.
That will put wheels in motion.. in lots of places.. good and bad.
But it may open a couple eyes too..in and out of work.
I know.
STOP thinking about it and DO IT!
all they can say is no.
On a side note..
Sorry if I am a broken record..
WOW!!!! I love the hair and the look!.
So..so..very pretty.. fits you well.
Had to put it here.
Ok.. I am asking .. to the universe.. find me some motivation..some way out of this stagnation. Some starting point that will domino Into a completion of projects..a way to get things done.
To move forward..to really step out of the river and stop letting things pass me by.
I think I know what I need to do.
Tomorrow is a scheduled day.. if it falls down at noon.. time to pick one and start something. I have been thinking about it. . It is a step in the direction..
It has needed to be done for a long time..
It is time.
Ok.
Had a few to think..
You still mean a lot to me.
What am I to do?
I cannot deny what is in me.
I need more. I think I should fix.. .me...
Or I should just give up. Realize it is done..and gone.
Zoned.
Lost.
Yep..still all alone with the pictures in my head.
They make for wonderful memories... and good dreams..
But I am still here by myself.
I don't think I have ..that ..place any more..
So.. should I put it in the file.. and close the drawer?
Close that book. Put it on the shelf..?
Next to the rest.. there are a few..so you will have good company.
You won't be alone.
Yeah.. it's something that I think about.
Loneliness will do that.
Rejection..even on the best level... does that.
Sorry.. that is how it is..
Things to do.. places to start.. motivation to find.
Yes..I decided to take your suggestion..
Beer.
R 3/19/17
posted from Bloggeroid
Saturday, March 18, 2017
Life will kick you..
So here we are.. mid month.
Almost Everything I worked on in the last two months is starting to fall apart.
Precisely planned. Scheduled.. derailed and spinning away as if thrown off a cliff.
I spent all last month prepping to get a thing done.. just to have someone else throw a wrench into it ..then all the support and help I fought to get..evaporated. no one wants to try..or even attempt to understand. I have been trying for the last 5 years. . To get this done. I was so close.. now it looks like we won't get to finish.. again.
Ok..I can sort of accept that..but.. no one cares..no one that will benefit from me finishing this cares.
I have had to fight and be very creative to get to this point .. just for them to drop it.
I have made a few inquiries..made a few alternative suggestiions that will finish the project. But.. they are hard to convince..really hard to ask them to do their job.. because I am not allowed..
I have one hope.. just learned it today.I made two requests to see if I can get it done.. we will see if it gets started again.
On another note.. cell phones..work provided cell phones..
They want to take them away..and pay us to use ours..
Only thing.. the stipend they are providing.. is enough to pay the normal monthly bill for everyone as it is.. actually they will save more to keep it as it is. Corporate wide about 1.2m.. really..
Locally about $1000. Plus not having to pay $5000 - $10000 in termination fees and hardware purchases..maybe more.. just for our 30+ phones.. but not their policy.. 'if you use more.. expense it' and hope you get paid in time to keep from them shutting you off
And ruining your credit...
Some VP suggested what I did. .and was told nope.
So really no hope for just me..making a plea..to save money.
It just not how we are doing things.
I was told today..that my employee with the trama and needing time off.. may not get FMLA.. may not get paid..may get fired until he is ready to come back..if I havent replaced him.. hey! No pressure.. vet well and get back to work or you have no job. Because we are unable to operate witb out someone doing your job..we will need to replace you...
I thought there were laws..
Not company policy.. if you are out.and exhaust your sick and vacation time and are a non-report..your job is gone.
If that don't make him put a bullet where it don't belong..
So lots of frustrations this week. Few accomplishments.
I pulled a bad Tv off the break room wall and opened it up and fixed it by 6:00.. one victory against this day.
Small..but a victory..
It has been a week of disappointment.
Oh yes.. I also saw my class is planning another meet..
No one has asked me directly..I saw it on anothers wall.
I guess no one is thinking I would need notice to plan..and get timeoff..or they just don't care if I come.
I want to just to surprize them.
I edited my resume. I think I should submit it.. get out of here.
I asked someone if they would consider renting my house..
Or I will sell it.
I need to start cleaning..throwing away.. and fix the other car..
Make it work or sell it.
Is this the year?
I know Billings is in need of a Manager ...
I have always wanted to go to Montana..
No one comes to see me any how.. so move to nowhere..then they will have a valid excuse.
Of course there is New Haven. That would be more.. work and money..and in a much better place..
Closer to the sea. And other things..
Not that I would get it.. but it's a thought.
I should just submit the resume..and see.
They could say no.. and so could I.
Maybe an area change..climate change..would help my young adult..maybe she will decide to stay and live with her mom..or get a job and her own place.
Lots of maybe's
I truly am not helping me get anywhere. .by staying here.
Money is good..most of the time..job is ok..some place to go every day.. but I all honesty..no one to come home to.
No real reason to be in this place except it is where I am..
I could put the house up for sale..and take the cash and run. Never look back.. before I had no where to go..now I have no reason to stay..and really anywhere is Better than right here..right now.
Im bored lonely and frustrated. And it does not seem to be changing anytime soon.
I am just paying bills. Making dinner.. drinking and sleeping..then just work. 10 -13 hrs..getting paid for 8.
Changes are coming.
I just need to make a starting point.
Oh yeah.. still alone. Still lonely.
Goes with out saying..
R 3/18/17
Almost Everything I worked on in the last two months is starting to fall apart.
Precisely planned. Scheduled.. derailed and spinning away as if thrown off a cliff.
I spent all last month prepping to get a thing done.. just to have someone else throw a wrench into it ..then all the support and help I fought to get..evaporated. no one wants to try..or even attempt to understand. I have been trying for the last 5 years. . To get this done. I was so close.. now it looks like we won't get to finish.. again.
Ok..I can sort of accept that..but.. no one cares..no one that will benefit from me finishing this cares.
I have had to fight and be very creative to get to this point .. just for them to drop it.
I have made a few inquiries..made a few alternative suggestiions that will finish the project. But.. they are hard to convince..really hard to ask them to do their job.. because I am not allowed..
I have one hope.. just learned it today.I made two requests to see if I can get it done.. we will see if it gets started again.
On another note.. cell phones..work provided cell phones..
They want to take them away..and pay us to use ours..
Only thing.. the stipend they are providing.. is enough to pay the normal monthly bill for everyone as it is.. actually they will save more to keep it as it is. Corporate wide about 1.2m.. really..
Locally about $1000. Plus not having to pay $5000 - $10000 in termination fees and hardware purchases..maybe more.. just for our 30+ phones.. but not their policy.. 'if you use more.. expense it' and hope you get paid in time to keep from them shutting you off
And ruining your credit...
Some VP suggested what I did. .and was told nope.
So really no hope for just me..making a plea..to save money.
It just not how we are doing things.
I was told today..that my employee with the trama and needing time off.. may not get FMLA.. may not get paid..may get fired until he is ready to come back..if I havent replaced him.. hey! No pressure.. vet well and get back to work or you have no job. Because we are unable to operate witb out someone doing your job..we will need to replace you...
I thought there were laws..
Not company policy.. if you are out.and exhaust your sick and vacation time and are a non-report..your job is gone.
If that don't make him put a bullet where it don't belong..
So lots of frustrations this week. Few accomplishments.
I pulled a bad Tv off the break room wall and opened it up and fixed it by 6:00.. one victory against this day.
Small..but a victory..
It has been a week of disappointment.
Oh yes.. I also saw my class is planning another meet..
No one has asked me directly..I saw it on anothers wall.
I guess no one is thinking I would need notice to plan..and get timeoff..or they just don't care if I come.
I want to just to surprize them.
I edited my resume. I think I should submit it.. get out of here.
I asked someone if they would consider renting my house..
Or I will sell it.
I need to start cleaning..throwing away.. and fix the other car..
Make it work or sell it.
Is this the year?
I know Billings is in need of a Manager ...
I have always wanted to go to Montana..
No one comes to see me any how.. so move to nowhere..then they will have a valid excuse.
Of course there is New Haven. That would be more.. work and money..and in a much better place..
Closer to the sea. And other things..
Not that I would get it.. but it's a thought.
I should just submit the resume..and see.
They could say no.. and so could I.
Maybe an area change..climate change..would help my young adult..maybe she will decide to stay and live with her mom..or get a job and her own place.
Lots of maybe's
I truly am not helping me get anywhere. .by staying here.
Money is good..most of the time..job is ok..some place to go every day.. but I all honesty..no one to come home to.
No real reason to be in this place except it is where I am..
I could put the house up for sale..and take the cash and run. Never look back.. before I had no where to go..now I have no reason to stay..and really anywhere is Better than right here..right now.
Im bored lonely and frustrated. And it does not seem to be changing anytime soon.
I am just paying bills. Making dinner.. drinking and sleeping..then just work. 10 -13 hrs..getting paid for 8.
Changes are coming.
I just need to make a starting point.
Oh yeah.. still alone. Still lonely.
Goes with out saying..
R 3/18/17
posted from Bloggeroid
Wednesday, March 15, 2017
Ok.. I made corrections..
Yeah, I do that now and then.. fix the fat fingered mistakes. Clarify text to make sense.
So . .. here I am.
Trauma indirectly in my life..and directly at work.. same issue.. same reason.. different hats to wear..
A friend of mine decided to leave. And chose a bullet to exit.
That is a problem. He was a friend.
His roommate..my employee found him. He is dealing ..barely.. with that. He is already a PTSD veteran with baby momma issues.. and in the last year has lost co-veterans and friends and family.. had a cancer scare.. he is a wreck. Being a former medic..seeing so much death and being in peril. .then coming home to a cheating wife then a divorce and unemployment.. with thoughts of self destruction too..just a young guy that the world has been handing shit to for too long. A great guy.. but so troubled.
Not to mention ..now all the guilt for not being there to stop his friend.
I pray for his safety.
It is very hard to deal with..
My own greif and anger..and confusion.. with the rest of the day to day stresses.. and now having to make sure he has a job..gets paid..and keep my department running..down one person..
Fortunately my guys are pitching in..and volunteering to fill his shifts..HR is making sure he gets counseling as well as getting paid time off.
He has been handed the wrong end of the stick..and I hope that his realization that he needs to be here for his kids..will keep him from deciding to leave..or do anything stupid.
Life can suck. .and sometimes it just falls on you.
So in light of all that..
I have it pretty good.
Yes.. I am alone..and very lonely..
No one is looking out for me..
No one is trying to help me be happy..
It is all up to me..
So I must make corrections.. find things to help me.
No one else Is.. so it is for me to figure out..
Sure..I can just keep doing what I have been.. and hope it will matter and someone will notice.. or I can find positive changes and make them happen.
It is really always been my decision.
I need to figure out my equity in my life..and cash it in..and use it for me. Just getting to that point.
No one cares what I do..or where I am.. it is my responsibility to do for me.
My level of outside contact..beyond thise that need me to do something.. is non-existant..
I have found if I don't contact them..I don't exist.
I am really thinking of moving away from here..not telling anyone where I am going..getting settled in and just dropping off all contact.. no one will notice..
My online presence would not change.. no one could tell.
Then I would just fade away. Stop looking for 'friend's' stop trying to connect with old friends.. and just fade away.
I already feel that no one 'needs' me in their life.. for what ever reason.. family is not that important .. even if we reach out.. and get no response.. black sheep ... heathen..or what ever..
If I don't pry my way in no one notices.. (translate as 'cares').
If I am in their face..it is.. hey! Where have you been???.
I am such a lonely guy.. I eat that up..
Fall for it.
You know..I am not young and impressional.. I never was..
I was always smarter than that.. it has not changed.
Which is why I am alone.
Yes..I will need to re-read this over and over tomorrow.
To know exactly what I am feeling.. ..
I really have no idea..in my waking state...this has always been my conscience..or sub-conscience. . Making it to the surface.
Revelations. .to me and all that read these. .brain dumps.
There are few that read this that I know.
Those that don't know me..and read this..
Thanks. I hope it helps you.
Those that know me.
You know me better than anyone else.
This is my soul..
It is my core.. of my being.. laid bare
My insecurities. .my doubts.. my anguish..day to day.
Really nothing a gallon of beer can't supress.. or excite...
I have spent the last few years...
Trying to figure out..
Tmi.
.vs
The need to share..and purge...
The definition..depends greatly on the audience.
You have to know...your audience.
Trust..
Random..
The right now
The..OMG..did I tell them that???
A fine line.
I know I have the capacity to scare away anyone.
Done it.
Living it.
Ok..for you that have the time to read and understand the ramblings that come out of my mind..
Thank you. If I could give you a hug..I would.
For the very few..I know personally. . And hope to see in person..
You owe me a hug to envy all..
Good night.
R 3/15/17
So . .. here I am.
Trauma indirectly in my life..and directly at work.. same issue.. same reason.. different hats to wear..
A friend of mine decided to leave. And chose a bullet to exit.
That is a problem. He was a friend.
His roommate..my employee found him. He is dealing ..barely.. with that. He is already a PTSD veteran with baby momma issues.. and in the last year has lost co-veterans and friends and family.. had a cancer scare.. he is a wreck. Being a former medic..seeing so much death and being in peril. .then coming home to a cheating wife then a divorce and unemployment.. with thoughts of self destruction too..just a young guy that the world has been handing shit to for too long. A great guy.. but so troubled.
Not to mention ..now all the guilt for not being there to stop his friend.
I pray for his safety.
It is very hard to deal with..
My own greif and anger..and confusion.. with the rest of the day to day stresses.. and now having to make sure he has a job..gets paid..and keep my department running..down one person..
Fortunately my guys are pitching in..and volunteering to fill his shifts..HR is making sure he gets counseling as well as getting paid time off.
He has been handed the wrong end of the stick..and I hope that his realization that he needs to be here for his kids..will keep him from deciding to leave..or do anything stupid.
Life can suck. .and sometimes it just falls on you.
So in light of all that..
I have it pretty good.
Yes.. I am alone..and very lonely..
No one is looking out for me..
No one is trying to help me be happy..
It is all up to me..
So I must make corrections.. find things to help me.
No one else Is.. so it is for me to figure out..
Sure..I can just keep doing what I have been.. and hope it will matter and someone will notice.. or I can find positive changes and make them happen.
It is really always been my decision.
I need to figure out my equity in my life..and cash it in..and use it for me. Just getting to that point.
No one cares what I do..or where I am.. it is my responsibility to do for me.
My level of outside contact..beyond thise that need me to do something.. is non-existant..
I have found if I don't contact them..I don't exist.
I am really thinking of moving away from here..not telling anyone where I am going..getting settled in and just dropping off all contact.. no one will notice..
My online presence would not change.. no one could tell.
Then I would just fade away. Stop looking for 'friend's' stop trying to connect with old friends.. and just fade away.
I already feel that no one 'needs' me in their life.. for what ever reason.. family is not that important .. even if we reach out.. and get no response.. black sheep ... heathen..or what ever..
If I don't pry my way in no one notices.. (translate as 'cares').
If I am in their face..it is.. hey! Where have you been???.
I am such a lonely guy.. I eat that up..
Fall for it.
You know..I am not young and impressional.. I never was..
I was always smarter than that.. it has not changed.
Which is why I am alone.
Yes..I will need to re-read this over and over tomorrow.
To know exactly what I am feeling.. ..
I really have no idea..in my waking state...this has always been my conscience..or sub-conscience. . Making it to the surface.
Revelations. .to me and all that read these. .brain dumps.
There are few that read this that I know.
Those that don't know me..and read this..
Thanks. I hope it helps you.
Those that know me.
You know me better than anyone else.
This is my soul..
It is my core.. of my being.. laid bare
My insecurities. .my doubts.. my anguish..day to day.
Really nothing a gallon of beer can't supress.. or excite...
I have spent the last few years...
Trying to figure out..
Tmi.
.vs
The need to share..and purge...
The definition..depends greatly on the audience.
You have to know...your audience.
Trust..
Random..
The right now
The..OMG..did I tell them that???
A fine line.
I know I have the capacity to scare away anyone.
Done it.
Living it.
Ok..for you that have the time to read and understand the ramblings that come out of my mind..
Thank you. If I could give you a hug..I would.
For the very few..I know personally. . And hope to see in person..
You owe me a hug to envy all..
Good night.
R 3/15/17
posted from Bloggeroid
Monday, March 13, 2017
Decision time .
Well here I am..in a place where I need to think about choices available to me.
I can sit.. and keep this going or I can get up and make some choices to change.
I am really not prepped for a change.. there is lots to do..
If the change was to be accepted.. lots to do and figure out in a short time.
Even if I don't. .I should start decluttering my life.
Start spring cleaning. Make some changes.. clean up my house.. my garage, my shed. Just to start..
Then I should think about the car engine. .and the rennovations of my living space.
The decisions.. can be a frightening change.. but may be a necessasary thing.. it would all depend on asking and getting an answer.. that would put the wheels in motion.
And changes would happen. I am getting to that point where I am realizing this is not the place I want to be for the next 10 yrs. Physically..finacially..mentally.
I need to stop floating..and work on what I need to do for my future.
I have hit the stagnation point.. where little makes me happy.. work is the only place I want to be..because its busy and I am not left alone for long and almost always have something to do.
An example.. today.. I got up early.. day off. Something scheduled for noon.. ended up waiting.. all day for nothing.. at 5, I went for a drive to get out of the house..and had no where to go.. drove round.. ended up visiting a store..and bought nothing..and went home to cook dinner.. ate..dozed on the couch.. finally got up and went into my office and napped on the bed ..then decided I needed a beer.
Just a wasted day. Aimless.
So.. tomorrow. . Decisions.. should I ..or should I keep on..
After dinner..I. could start pulling boxes out of the storage space..and start sorting and finding the trash..and the keeps.. I know there is lots to be thrown out.
This could be a month long process.. it would keep me busy.
And a necessary thing.
I heard .. not directly.. that there is plans for another class get together.. the end of next month. I want to just show.. but wonder why I haven't been asked..??
I need to see those from my pasts.. too many lost..just need to keep the connections.. we are just getting older.
So.. should I make the decision..to make a change.. it is actually a request..that still needs to be accepted..I need to qualify..
And be chosen.. and then wheels need to start rolling.
Negative me: I won't get it anyway..why apply..
I interview terribly.. I have not had to for nearly 15 yrs.. my skills are not fantastic.. adequate..but against others would pale... but maybe..
Positive me: I should try just the same..
It would let those above me know I am looking. .good and bad thing..but appreciation may change.. maybe ...maybe the sign ..
It would let them know.. I do because I am here. Time to be somewhere else..
I have made these changes before..sometimes without planning other than lets go.. and done. Survived.. it was nearly 15 yrs ago. . And it was tough.. but done and here I am.
All I can look for is lateral moves..and try to end up where I want to be..as opposed to where I am.
You know..I moved here to be happy.. to make others happy in turn make me happy.. that seems like it was so long ago.. it didn't work..
And here I am.
My thought is maybe..my floundering young adult will appreciate any lifestyle change.. and find her place..
I won't care.. my current life is based on work..if I have it.. I can do it. Without it..I would not know what to do.
I have no personal life.. not for more than a year..
No one is approaching me..and me being me..am not approaching anyone.. which makes for a lonely guy.
I can.. I have.. but it is so hard.
So hard to reach out..and try.
Scary..and I hate rejection.. never a fan..never something I can deal with..
So.. the decision I want to make..is that much tougher..
I just don't know how to make the decision..
Will it hurt me? Will it help?
Will no one really care..
Can I make an impression?
Arrrghhh..
Ok.. time to stop..
Just a personal note..way out of line..
I was thinking about you.. all weekend..
I truly miss you.
Yet..I'm scared.. I never want to put pressure..
Our conversations are alway good, you always put a smile on my face and make me happy.
I just want you to know.. I miss you and the connection.
Just ignore the above.. it is my inner me..
Bleeding In to my fingers.. reaching...
143.
Good night.
I need to go home.
Sleep and decisions await..
R
3/13/17
I can sit.. and keep this going or I can get up and make some choices to change.
I am really not prepped for a change.. there is lots to do..
If the change was to be accepted.. lots to do and figure out in a short time.
Even if I don't. .I should start decluttering my life.
Start spring cleaning. Make some changes.. clean up my house.. my garage, my shed. Just to start..
Then I should think about the car engine. .and the rennovations of my living space.
The decisions.. can be a frightening change.. but may be a necessasary thing.. it would all depend on asking and getting an answer.. that would put the wheels in motion.
And changes would happen. I am getting to that point where I am realizing this is not the place I want to be for the next 10 yrs. Physically..finacially..mentally.
I need to stop floating..and work on what I need to do for my future.
I have hit the stagnation point.. where little makes me happy.. work is the only place I want to be..because its busy and I am not left alone for long and almost always have something to do.
An example.. today.. I got up early.. day off. Something scheduled for noon.. ended up waiting.. all day for nothing.. at 5, I went for a drive to get out of the house..and had no where to go.. drove round.. ended up visiting a store..and bought nothing..and went home to cook dinner.. ate..dozed on the couch.. finally got up and went into my office and napped on the bed ..then decided I needed a beer.
Just a wasted day. Aimless.
So.. tomorrow. . Decisions.. should I ..or should I keep on..
After dinner..I. could start pulling boxes out of the storage space..and start sorting and finding the trash..and the keeps.. I know there is lots to be thrown out.
This could be a month long process.. it would keep me busy.
And a necessary thing.
I heard .. not directly.. that there is plans for another class get together.. the end of next month. I want to just show.. but wonder why I haven't been asked..??
I need to see those from my pasts.. too many lost..just need to keep the connections.. we are just getting older.
So.. should I make the decision..to make a change.. it is actually a request..that still needs to be accepted..I need to qualify..
And be chosen.. and then wheels need to start rolling.
Negative me: I won't get it anyway..why apply..
I interview terribly.. I have not had to for nearly 15 yrs.. my skills are not fantastic.. adequate..but against others would pale... but maybe..
Positive me: I should try just the same..
It would let those above me know I am looking. .good and bad thing..but appreciation may change.. maybe ...maybe the sign ..
It would let them know.. I do because I am here. Time to be somewhere else..
I have made these changes before..sometimes without planning other than lets go.. and done. Survived.. it was nearly 15 yrs ago. . And it was tough.. but done and here I am.
All I can look for is lateral moves..and try to end up where I want to be..as opposed to where I am.
You know..I moved here to be happy.. to make others happy in turn make me happy.. that seems like it was so long ago.. it didn't work..
And here I am.
My thought is maybe..my floundering young adult will appreciate any lifestyle change.. and find her place..
I won't care.. my current life is based on work..if I have it.. I can do it. Without it..I would not know what to do.
I have no personal life.. not for more than a year..
No one is approaching me..and me being me..am not approaching anyone.. which makes for a lonely guy.
I can.. I have.. but it is so hard.
So hard to reach out..and try.
Scary..and I hate rejection.. never a fan..never something I can deal with..
So.. the decision I want to make..is that much tougher..
I just don't know how to make the decision..
Will it hurt me? Will it help?
Will no one really care..
Can I make an impression?
Arrrghhh..
Ok.. time to stop..
Just a personal note..way out of line..
I was thinking about you.. all weekend..
I truly miss you.
Yet..I'm scared.. I never want to put pressure..
Our conversations are alway good, you always put a smile on my face and make me happy.
I just want you to know.. I miss you and the connection.
Just ignore the above.. it is my inner me..
Bleeding In to my fingers.. reaching...
143.
Good night.
I need to go home.
Sleep and decisions await..
R
3/13/17
posted from Bloggeroid
Saturday, March 11, 2017
Life.. the universe and everything..
Sorry if I have used this before..
I feel the need to express my thoughts on how screwed up our universe is to us.
The mere specks of carbon that we are in this vast universe, we in respect to the rest of the matter in the cosmos.. really do not amount to a lot.. in the grand scheme.. we are less than grains of sand on one of the many beaches..
But..
We all matter.. we have a presence, a space we occupy..
A reason for being..
But sometimes we need to recognize it..or chase it.. make it ours.
Yes..life is a challenge..if it wasnt.. it would not be worth living..
We need to rise to it.. chase it ..
If we don't. . We are responsible for our own greif..
No one else to blame..
If we find something.. we need to keep it.. chase it..remind it.. never give up.
If we do.. our fault if we are not happy..
Sure if we get turned down..turned away.. left alone.. pushed away..
It isn't our fault unless we take it and walk away.. if it is what we want..and need.. we wont get discouraged so easily..
If it isn't for us..we just walk..
I have experienced the other..walking..
It hurts for a long time..
And is never forgotten.
A scar.. one to learn from..remember.. not that it ever prevents it from happening again.. we are destined to repeat.. and we do.
It is just life..
The universe..and everything else.
R 3/11/17
I feel the need to express my thoughts on how screwed up our universe is to us.
The mere specks of carbon that we are in this vast universe, we in respect to the rest of the matter in the cosmos.. really do not amount to a lot.. in the grand scheme.. we are less than grains of sand on one of the many beaches..
But..
We all matter.. we have a presence, a space we occupy..
A reason for being..
But sometimes we need to recognize it..or chase it.. make it ours.
Yes..life is a challenge..if it wasnt.. it would not be worth living..
We need to rise to it.. chase it ..
If we don't. . We are responsible for our own greif..
No one else to blame..
If we find something.. we need to keep it.. chase it..remind it.. never give up.
If we do.. our fault if we are not happy..
Sure if we get turned down..turned away.. left alone.. pushed away..
It isn't our fault unless we take it and walk away.. if it is what we want..and need.. we wont get discouraged so easily..
If it isn't for us..we just walk..
I have experienced the other..walking..
It hurts for a long time..
And is never forgotten.
A scar.. one to learn from..remember.. not that it ever prevents it from happening again.. we are destined to repeat.. and we do.
It is just life..
The universe..and everything else.
R 3/11/17
posted from Bloggeroid
Another chose to leave us
Good bye my friend.
I am sorry you decided this life was not going to work for you.
You will be missed by many.
Maybe we should have made that plain.
I suspect you have been considering this exit for a long time.
I am sorry you felt it was what you had to do.
Good bye.
Yes.. I am concerned for those you left behind. Some needed your presence more than you knew.
I am not happy with your choice of exits.. the tramua you have thrust apon your roommate. Who found you..and called me sobbing..I fear for his mortality as well. I am not happy that you didnt reach out and find help. Yes.. I can understand the desperation and the decision as the only answer.
I am just sad to know this was your only option for you at that moment.
We had many conversations. .much about nothing..sometimes about some serious stuff. You were much younger than me..and I feel it is a shame you won't find out what you could have been.
No my present situations are not mind blowingly happy..but I am grateful for all I have and have had in these many years.
Not really sure how to express this.. I know you decided to end your suffering..now the ones you left behind have to deal with that.
Your parents, siblings, friends.. we will miss you.
You know.. 2 different girlfriends resented that we could talk endlessly.. when we bumped into eachother..
It is just sad.
Good bye.
R 3/10/17
I am sorry you decided this life was not going to work for you.
You will be missed by many.
Maybe we should have made that plain.
I suspect you have been considering this exit for a long time.
I am sorry you felt it was what you had to do.
Good bye.
Yes.. I am concerned for those you left behind. Some needed your presence more than you knew.
I am not happy with your choice of exits.. the tramua you have thrust apon your roommate. Who found you..and called me sobbing..I fear for his mortality as well. I am not happy that you didnt reach out and find help. Yes.. I can understand the desperation and the decision as the only answer.
I am just sad to know this was your only option for you at that moment.
We had many conversations. .much about nothing..sometimes about some serious stuff. You were much younger than me..and I feel it is a shame you won't find out what you could have been.
No my present situations are not mind blowingly happy..but I am grateful for all I have and have had in these many years.
Not really sure how to express this.. I know you decided to end your suffering..now the ones you left behind have to deal with that.
Your parents, siblings, friends.. we will miss you.
You know.. 2 different girlfriends resented that we could talk endlessly.. when we bumped into eachother..
It is just sad.
Good bye.
R 3/10/17
posted from Bloggeroid
Friday, March 10, 2017
That thing called age.
Funny.. I was watching tv today.. one of those required things I do..monitor what we do..
I saw an infomercial about beauty... it had a few of the celebrities I grew up watching.. Valerie, Laurie, Cindy.. and others..
Ones I saw as a young man.. and drooled over.. each one said their age.. and to my surprize.. they are my age. Oh yes, the commercial exploited how pretty they are at this age..with the help of some serum.. that every woman must buy..
I know.. if any woman had fame and money and personal trainers and consultants and the desire or need to be ..they could.. natural beauty is hard to find.. some are very lucky..some work their asses off to keep it.
I can truly say.. I know a few.. natural beauties.. the exterior matches the interior.. it can be a 'eye of the beholder' thing.. but usually if they are so pretty inside. ..it radiates out and the outer matches.
I have been fortunate to know these beauties.
Yes..I have met a few inner beauties that have been working to get out..and some have been successful.
I have met a few people.. that whenever I am around them.. they make me grin.. uncontrollably. . I sometimes notice it..
Those times that are most outstanding are the ones I have no physical interest in..but every time I see them I grin..I am happy to be in their presence..
One that comes to mind.. I realized after some time.. that it was happening to me.. this was a co-workers girlfriend.. and I worked with her.. she was always confrontational. . Always grumpy..sometimes angry. Usually difficult to work with..and be around.. but sbe brought out the perma-grin.. her soul was so beautiful. . I felt it. I was not attracted to her physically.. I knew her boyfriend. .worked with him..respected him.. but she radiated an inner beauty..that lit up my soul every time I delt with her.
He was intelligent..an engineer.. kinda looked like Berta on two and a half men.. not a stunning physical beauty.. she had long blond hair always in a braid.. in any definition..a biker chick.. one that owned her own.. but deep down a nice person.. respectful..and once you got to know her.. friendly..
I just remember realizing the uncontrolled grin.. whenever I had to talk to her..
Honestly. .this was 15 or so years ago.. and I do not remember her name.. my fellow tech..her boyfriend.. told me a few years ago..she had lost her battle with cancer.. and I remember her ..I won't forget her.
I will never understand that connection she sparked in me..
I know I was not attracted to her..but she was such a beautiful soul.
I know my friend misses her.. as do I.
That age thing.. I know I was probably 5 or 10 yrs younger than Them.. but I know I felt a mental if not spiritual connection.
So here I am.. watching tv..and seeing an adolescent fantasy.. expressing their attack on aging.. and realizing..
Here I am.. old.
Yes..Valerie will never meet me for drinks and to get to know me..
Cindy and Laurie are way out of my league. .
But I have aged well. I am somewhat healthy..I have gainful employment..
Yet.. I am alone. With absolutly no options.
My plan..is pay my bills... work till I die.
Not much past that.
I have at the minimum.. 10 or 15 years of work that I have to do...
Then.. put me In the furnace..and seal my ashes in a small box.
Or work till they wont allow me to anymore..
Move to the woods..and be self-sufficent. . And drop off the grid.
At this age.. I can be critical..and look at where I am.. and think about changes.. the ones that need to be done..
I need to figure out how to do them...
At this age.. I am trying to get over 'needing' someone to complete me.. if it happens..whoohoo!!..but seriously... not holding my breath..
No one wants this..me... not for the right reasons..
I see that.
Comfortable is out of the picture too. This age.. requires much more..
Many have struggled. .and are now looking for all they think they missed.. I just cannot provide that..for someone else ..let alone for me.
This age and this time and place...what I have left to do.. is fix those that are feeling slighted... left behind. .like the rest of us. .
I need to find the one.. that realizes that it is what you really need not want... wants and needs.. are so far apart..
By fixing that.. I can find what I truly need.
Happiness will prevail.. .
Those grins..will be easy and more often..
Stop... basing your hapiness on one that 'reqires your misery'
Maybe not a requirement..but more of lack of respect of.your struggle to do your job on this planet. .
We always..put ourselves..last..
Sometimes we are forced to ... for a moment..to think about ourselves. .
Not something we do.
But. We.must.. should. . Once in a while.
Just to put a smile on your face..
It warms my heart..to know
I can cause someone to have an uncontrolled grin or smile when they think of me..
I fondly remember my co-worker.. for that unknown reason that I would feel so good interacting..
I can only hope that this old guy can do this for someone else. .
Yes.. I am feeling old..today... as the reason for this post
Old and alone..
Which go hand in hand..
Age catches up with us.
Weather we want it to or not..
What we do with it matters more as we get older..
Really it is a wonderful thing.. some of us never get to be this old..
I am sorry.. especially if you didn't get to realize your dreams...
But for those of us left.. it is a shame if you are not happy..
You know better.. you know how short life is..
If happiness has found you..
Do not push it away..
Why should you make it so tough for you ?.
Why punish yourself?
Time.. age.. and all the rest... is not your fault.
The only acceptance. . Is yours to decide.
You are beyond the 'I will accept..the thing I have'..
That is so.. 30 yrs old.. you are beyond that. .the decisions you make at this age.. matter more than those you made before.
Make it for you. No one else will. Take ownership.. of you.
Ok. The thought was lost in the 5th pint..
And I need to close...
You are only as old as you feel..
Age is relative.
We are who we perceive we are..not what others .. think we are..
Even those that are close to us.. we are different...
Different than we used to be..
Changes and age...
If others find us beautiful..
Who are we to dispute it.
Love to you..
You know I mean it
Challenge me.. I dare you..
R 3/10/17
I saw an infomercial about beauty... it had a few of the celebrities I grew up watching.. Valerie, Laurie, Cindy.. and others..
Ones I saw as a young man.. and drooled over.. each one said their age.. and to my surprize.. they are my age. Oh yes, the commercial exploited how pretty they are at this age..with the help of some serum.. that every woman must buy..
I know.. if any woman had fame and money and personal trainers and consultants and the desire or need to be ..they could.. natural beauty is hard to find.. some are very lucky..some work their asses off to keep it.
I can truly say.. I know a few.. natural beauties.. the exterior matches the interior.. it can be a 'eye of the beholder' thing.. but usually if they are so pretty inside. ..it radiates out and the outer matches.
I have been fortunate to know these beauties.
Yes..I have met a few inner beauties that have been working to get out..and some have been successful.
I have met a few people.. that whenever I am around them.. they make me grin.. uncontrollably. . I sometimes notice it..
Those times that are most outstanding are the ones I have no physical interest in..but every time I see them I grin..I am happy to be in their presence..
One that comes to mind.. I realized after some time.. that it was happening to me.. this was a co-workers girlfriend.. and I worked with her.. she was always confrontational. . Always grumpy..sometimes angry. Usually difficult to work with..and be around.. but sbe brought out the perma-grin.. her soul was so beautiful. . I felt it. I was not attracted to her physically.. I knew her boyfriend. .worked with him..respected him.. but she radiated an inner beauty..that lit up my soul every time I delt with her.
He was intelligent..an engineer.. kinda looked like Berta on two and a half men.. not a stunning physical beauty.. she had long blond hair always in a braid.. in any definition..a biker chick.. one that owned her own.. but deep down a nice person.. respectful..and once you got to know her.. friendly..
I just remember realizing the uncontrolled grin.. whenever I had to talk to her..
Honestly. .this was 15 or so years ago.. and I do not remember her name.. my fellow tech..her boyfriend.. told me a few years ago..she had lost her battle with cancer.. and I remember her ..I won't forget her.
I will never understand that connection she sparked in me..
I know I was not attracted to her..but she was such a beautiful soul.
I know my friend misses her.. as do I.
That age thing.. I know I was probably 5 or 10 yrs younger than Them.. but I know I felt a mental if not spiritual connection.
So here I am.. watching tv..and seeing an adolescent fantasy.. expressing their attack on aging.. and realizing..
Here I am.. old.
Yes..Valerie will never meet me for drinks and to get to know me..
Cindy and Laurie are way out of my league. .
But I have aged well. I am somewhat healthy..I have gainful employment..
Yet.. I am alone. With absolutly no options.
My plan..is pay my bills... work till I die.
Not much past that.
I have at the minimum.. 10 or 15 years of work that I have to do...
Then.. put me In the furnace..and seal my ashes in a small box.
Or work till they wont allow me to anymore..
Move to the woods..and be self-sufficent. . And drop off the grid.
At this age.. I can be critical..and look at where I am.. and think about changes.. the ones that need to be done..
I need to figure out how to do them...
At this age.. I am trying to get over 'needing' someone to complete me.. if it happens..whoohoo!!..but seriously... not holding my breath..
No one wants this..me... not for the right reasons..
I see that.
Comfortable is out of the picture too. This age.. requires much more..
Many have struggled. .and are now looking for all they think they missed.. I just cannot provide that..for someone else ..let alone for me.
This age and this time and place...what I have left to do.. is fix those that are feeling slighted... left behind. .like the rest of us. .
I need to find the one.. that realizes that it is what you really need not want... wants and needs.. are so far apart..
By fixing that.. I can find what I truly need.
Happiness will prevail.. .
Those grins..will be easy and more often..
Stop... basing your hapiness on one that 'reqires your misery'
Maybe not a requirement..but more of lack of respect of.your struggle to do your job on this planet. .
We always..put ourselves..last..
Sometimes we are forced to ... for a moment..to think about ourselves. .
Not something we do.
But. We.must.. should. . Once in a while.
Just to put a smile on your face..
It warms my heart..to know
I can cause someone to have an uncontrolled grin or smile when they think of me..
I fondly remember my co-worker.. for that unknown reason that I would feel so good interacting..
I can only hope that this old guy can do this for someone else. .
Yes.. I am feeling old..today... as the reason for this post
Old and alone..
Which go hand in hand..
Age catches up with us.
Weather we want it to or not..
What we do with it matters more as we get older..
Really it is a wonderful thing.. some of us never get to be this old..
I am sorry.. especially if you didn't get to realize your dreams...
But for those of us left.. it is a shame if you are not happy..
You know better.. you know how short life is..
If happiness has found you..
Do not push it away..
Why should you make it so tough for you ?.
Why punish yourself?
Time.. age.. and all the rest... is not your fault.
The only acceptance. . Is yours to decide.
You are beyond the 'I will accept..the thing I have'..
That is so.. 30 yrs old.. you are beyond that. .the decisions you make at this age.. matter more than those you made before.
Make it for you. No one else will. Take ownership.. of you.
Ok. The thought was lost in the 5th pint..
And I need to close...
You are only as old as you feel..
Age is relative.
We are who we perceive we are..not what others .. think we are..
Even those that are close to us.. we are different...
Different than we used to be..
Changes and age...
If others find us beautiful..
Who are we to dispute it.
Love to you..
You know I mean it
Challenge me.. I dare you..
R 3/10/17
posted from Bloggeroid
Wednesday, March 8, 2017
Getting it done..a little at a time
Another week of the same ole.. slow consistent starts to the day.
Busy but not hectic. I got into bed early and read for a while.. really couldn't sleep. Finally it was 2AM.. I had to turn out the light and try to sleep.. almost over slept.. but was in to work early and got some stuff done. Stayed a little late.. started home..and had to detour and it ended up being a longer drive home.. traffic and such.
I got home. .decided on dinner..but napped on the couch for a few minutes.. then made an interesting simple dinner and cleaned up did the dishes.. answered some email.. did some internet tech searches.. and contemplated having a beer.
So.. here I am.
I have a couple things I want to do.. I need to plan for August's MINI run... if I am going. . Book a room.. put in for the time.. then it's a given. .. barring a major malfunction. .
I need to think about the car situation.
Either get that motor started.. buy another for me.. maybe buy the company truck.. I also need to take a few hours and get the licenses renewed..
And that brings me to travel.. plane, auto, train or not at all.
I should do something..
I also need to update my resume.. keep that plan open..
I also need to work on this debt thing. Cut it down..
Some investment options come to mind..
Rent it out.. cash out of the mortgage. .sell and take the money and run..
I know a couple of peeps that could rent it.
Even if I just made the mortgage. . It would work..
But I know I could sell and take the equity and buy another elseware..and have a great start.
Plus.. work options are opening up in different places.. serious thought about being here..in this physical place.. mentally... gives reason to investigate the available options.. as always..I am looking for that place.. the one to go to..
Aparently where I am..as it is.. is not a place most of those that express interest in me .. want to visit.. friends...family.. those stranger than most.. (yes strangers or just strange)
..
Yet.. I am here..In a beautiful place.. been here 14 yrs.. no one will come here. I have had to kidnap people ..persons... to come here.
I know I am not one that screams.. vacation destination.. but really. . I have gone out of my way..out of my comfort zone.. to go see all of you.. more than once.. and lets not be talking about family.. close friends... with the exception of Dwight.. and Jen..who I kidnapped..
No one. I have had strangers come and spend time here with me..
But never..almost.. ones I care for.. do I need to move to a dangerous neighborhood? Armpit of the world?? In order for people to visit..is it always on me??. Really?
This has made me think.. for me.. it does not matter where I live..I have to bribe people to come see me..
Damn it.. I am moving to Hawaii !
Then the answer will always be no..no room.
I could pull off the 'brown howlee'
..
Dino..my Polynesian Mexican friend.. show me how..
Did you know.. beer can be brewed with really high alcohol rates.. more than 6%..?..
Most US beer is 3%.. maybe 6%..
The 12%..will kick you.. even a pint.. oh man!!
Nope. No one at home to nag.. It is all on me.
Because. . Right now.. It is just me.
My young adult..is not requiring much..from me.
The rational me.. says I need someone that will convince me to be responsible..set that example.. prod the one that needs it...
You know..at this place.. I am supposed to have help.. someone that cares enough to let me know when I need to act..or not.
A voice.. yes it should be the co-parent..I know that isnt gonna happen.
As with everything else.. I am alone..just me.
No real help. Random suggestions.
Appreciated. .but usually not relevant..
Maybe a total change of location..scenery..climate..will help..
Options have presented themselves. .
Decisions..
Chances..
Changes.
Wants and needs..
When they begin communicating witb eachother. .
There is something beyond 'the me'..
More like a destiny thing..
Maybe... time to ..get it...whatever that is... done.
Choices..
I am open to suggestions..
Don't be shy..
Ask.
R 2/8/17
Busy but not hectic. I got into bed early and read for a while.. really couldn't sleep. Finally it was 2AM.. I had to turn out the light and try to sleep.. almost over slept.. but was in to work early and got some stuff done. Stayed a little late.. started home..and had to detour and it ended up being a longer drive home.. traffic and such.
I got home. .decided on dinner..but napped on the couch for a few minutes.. then made an interesting simple dinner and cleaned up did the dishes.. answered some email.. did some internet tech searches.. and contemplated having a beer.
So.. here I am.
I have a couple things I want to do.. I need to plan for August's MINI run... if I am going. . Book a room.. put in for the time.. then it's a given. .. barring a major malfunction. .
I need to think about the car situation.
Either get that motor started.. buy another for me.. maybe buy the company truck.. I also need to take a few hours and get the licenses renewed..
And that brings me to travel.. plane, auto, train or not at all.
I should do something..
I also need to update my resume.. keep that plan open..
I also need to work on this debt thing. Cut it down..
Some investment options come to mind..
Rent it out.. cash out of the mortgage. .sell and take the money and run..
I know a couple of peeps that could rent it.
Even if I just made the mortgage. . It would work..
But I know I could sell and take the equity and buy another elseware..and have a great start.
Plus.. work options are opening up in different places.. serious thought about being here..in this physical place.. mentally... gives reason to investigate the available options.. as always..I am looking for that place.. the one to go to..
Aparently where I am..as it is.. is not a place most of those that express interest in me .. want to visit.. friends...family.. those stranger than most.. (yes strangers or just strange)
..
Yet.. I am here..In a beautiful place.. been here 14 yrs.. no one will come here. I have had to kidnap people ..persons... to come here.
I know I am not one that screams.. vacation destination.. but really. . I have gone out of my way..out of my comfort zone.. to go see all of you.. more than once.. and lets not be talking about family.. close friends... with the exception of Dwight.. and Jen..who I kidnapped..
No one. I have had strangers come and spend time here with me..
But never..almost.. ones I care for.. do I need to move to a dangerous neighborhood? Armpit of the world?? In order for people to visit..is it always on me??. Really?
This has made me think.. for me.. it does not matter where I live..I have to bribe people to come see me..
Damn it.. I am moving to Hawaii !
Then the answer will always be no..no room.
I could pull off the 'brown howlee'
..
Dino..my Polynesian Mexican friend.. show me how..
Did you know.. beer can be brewed with really high alcohol rates.. more than 6%..?..
Most US beer is 3%.. maybe 6%..
The 12%..will kick you.. even a pint.. oh man!!
Nope. No one at home to nag.. It is all on me.
Because. . Right now.. It is just me.
My young adult..is not requiring much..from me.
The rational me.. says I need someone that will convince me to be responsible..set that example.. prod the one that needs it...
You know..at this place.. I am supposed to have help.. someone that cares enough to let me know when I need to act..or not.
A voice.. yes it should be the co-parent..I know that isnt gonna happen.
As with everything else.. I am alone..just me.
No real help. Random suggestions.
Appreciated. .but usually not relevant..
Maybe a total change of location..scenery..climate..will help..
Options have presented themselves. .
Decisions..
Chances..
Changes.
Wants and needs..
When they begin communicating witb eachother. .
There is something beyond 'the me'..
More like a destiny thing..
Maybe... time to ..get it...whatever that is... done.
Choices..
I am open to suggestions..
Don't be shy..
Ask.
R 2/8/17
posted from Bloggeroid
Friday, March 3, 2017
A funny thing happened on the way to...
Just an attention getter title..
Really nothing much happened today.
I got up early.. and went into work early.
Worked hard. Came home late. Made my dinner. Watched an old movie with the cat.
Worked on a project.
I will do it all again tomorrow.
I got a call from a bill.. apparently my last payment came back as no funds.. odd.. that was where my tax return went.. must have been an error.. but they offered to drop 50% off the total if I want to pay in full. I told them to call me tomorrow. I looked..and half would work nicely.. I will do it..and drop the $200 monthly payment from my budget. It will only hurt a lil. Just a pinch.. lol.
How are you?
Yes, you!
Really.. you should talk to me.
You know I like talking and listening to those who need it.
I have found I benefit from helping others.. their issues help me with mine. Even if I cannot help..I can listen.
Because you know I care.
This day..like most. I do what I must..to the best of my ability. I was consolidating tasks at work.. and got them done. I gave a needed heads-up to one of mine.. and I hope it helped. It was a long day.. and I survived to do it again tomorrow. I was not going to go out for a beer..but decided ..why not.
I sent a shirt already.. I will get another tonight..to put up on my shelf.
I know I will be sore tomorrow. .moving and loading and unloading all the scrap today.. I already had a 2 day headache.. now I can add sore muscles too. All in a days work. ..
But a beer or two..will help me sleep.. and get up tomorrow to do it all over.
I just hope the extra pillow dont mind the extreme cuddles..
I have not had those vivid dreams like last month.. I was in a weird place. . It was the first in a long time..and it was almost every night.
Some very weird.. most likely stress driven.. and symbolic.
I have not even tried to decipher.
Most of last year..little or no dreams..
But January and February. .. really bad.
Some bizarre some understandable.. frame of mind and all.
Yet here I am..
There are things I could research and make new decisions with my situation. I have not ruled them out. I have been afraid to act on..or even look at.. it would make changes.. on many levels.. maybe too soon..maybe over due.
May just be the next bump in the road.
I really don't seem to be doing much else..
Back to the day to day.. it keeps me occupied.
I know much is about planning. . Scheduling. . Not waiting for spontaneous action..
I need to plan.
Then...I could have a story that fits the post title..
It is almost tomorrow. . A minute to go.. so this post will bleed Into it..
Not planned.. but the way it should be..
It is now Friday.
Hello Friday...
Lets make this quick..and see what we can do..
R 3/3/17
Really nothing much happened today.
I got up early.. and went into work early.
Worked hard. Came home late. Made my dinner. Watched an old movie with the cat.
Worked on a project.
I will do it all again tomorrow.
I got a call from a bill.. apparently my last payment came back as no funds.. odd.. that was where my tax return went.. must have been an error.. but they offered to drop 50% off the total if I want to pay in full. I told them to call me tomorrow. I looked..and half would work nicely.. I will do it..and drop the $200 monthly payment from my budget. It will only hurt a lil. Just a pinch.. lol.
How are you?
Yes, you!
Really.. you should talk to me.
You know I like talking and listening to those who need it.
I have found I benefit from helping others.. their issues help me with mine. Even if I cannot help..I can listen.
Because you know I care.
This day..like most. I do what I must..to the best of my ability. I was consolidating tasks at work.. and got them done. I gave a needed heads-up to one of mine.. and I hope it helped. It was a long day.. and I survived to do it again tomorrow. I was not going to go out for a beer..but decided ..why not.
I sent a shirt already.. I will get another tonight..to put up on my shelf.
I know I will be sore tomorrow. .moving and loading and unloading all the scrap today.. I already had a 2 day headache.. now I can add sore muscles too. All in a days work. ..
But a beer or two..will help me sleep.. and get up tomorrow to do it all over.
I just hope the extra pillow dont mind the extreme cuddles..
I have not had those vivid dreams like last month.. I was in a weird place. . It was the first in a long time..and it was almost every night.
Some very weird.. most likely stress driven.. and symbolic.
I have not even tried to decipher.
Most of last year..little or no dreams..
But January and February. .. really bad.
Some bizarre some understandable.. frame of mind and all.
Yet here I am..
There are things I could research and make new decisions with my situation. I have not ruled them out. I have been afraid to act on..or even look at.. it would make changes.. on many levels.. maybe too soon..maybe over due.
May just be the next bump in the road.
I really don't seem to be doing much else..
Back to the day to day.. it keeps me occupied.
I know much is about planning. . Scheduling. . Not waiting for spontaneous action..
I need to plan.
Then...I could have a story that fits the post title..
It is almost tomorrow. . A minute to go.. so this post will bleed Into it..
Not planned.. but the way it should be..
It is now Friday.
Hello Friday...
Lets make this quick..and see what we can do..
R 3/3/17
posted from Bloggeroid
Thursday, March 2, 2017
Timing
Hello again.
I think I should be grateful. Things come and go all the time.
Usually we have no control over when or why.
It seems to be due to timing more than planning.
As with all things some times it's a good thing and sometimes it isn't.
Sometimes it is purely up to us to decide if it is one or the other.
We can accept a bad leaving and look for the positives in it.
Sometimes it just takes us by surprize and we have to just learn to adjust to it. Maybe find a way to learn something we didn't know before.. a new way to survive..
Of course there can be those instances where we just cannot figure out how to live without. When we are sure we cannot adjust .. just too painful. Then we must adapt strategy to protect our self. And make it work.
Many little things in our lives are minor preparations for major changes. Humans are very adaptable.. we hopefully learn to stop putting ourselves in positions that will hurt us.. we avoid it.
Sometimes it takes a few scars to remind us.. but we usually learn.
For our own good.
Sometimes it is all about timing.
Sometimes we are just lucky.
And then again...not.
I should be grateful, because if I pay attention. ..I can see opportunities that open up.. selections that may or may not work.
I just have to decide if I want to explore them as they make themselves aparrent.
I have the option. I just need to be aware.
Then. Sometimes the timing just sucks.
It could be a good situation..at the wrong time. It could be risky.. but tempting. It just may not be good enough. . Good ..but not good enough.
Not perfect. Not a no brainer..one that needs investigation. .careful examination. Weigh the pros and cons.
Or just ignore it and hope something better comes along.
Timing.
It could be better .. or worse.
Again..I am thankful for the times the timing has been perfect..
The right opportunity at the right time... it does happen.
It could have been better...in the long run.. if it didnt happen.
I would be in a different place.
These past years .. I have made work..
Yet.. here I am stuck..where I am.
Actually..I am stuck in my mind.
I know I could always lose my job tomorrow.
I would have to scramble to find Income.
So i can keep paying bills..
And continue..
That ..if it happens... scenario..
Timing..
Planning.. research.
Or just go for it and make it work...??
I think I should be grateful. Things come and go all the time.
Usually we have no control over when or why.
It seems to be due to timing more than planning.
As with all things some times it's a good thing and sometimes it isn't.
Sometimes it is purely up to us to decide if it is one or the other.
We can accept a bad leaving and look for the positives in it.
Sometimes it just takes us by surprize and we have to just learn to adjust to it. Maybe find a way to learn something we didn't know before.. a new way to survive..
Of course there can be those instances where we just cannot figure out how to live without. When we are sure we cannot adjust .. just too painful. Then we must adapt strategy to protect our self. And make it work.
Many little things in our lives are minor preparations for major changes. Humans are very adaptable.. we hopefully learn to stop putting ourselves in positions that will hurt us.. we avoid it.
Sometimes it takes a few scars to remind us.. but we usually learn.
For our own good.
Sometimes it is all about timing.
Sometimes we are just lucky.
And then again...not.
I should be grateful, because if I pay attention. ..I can see opportunities that open up.. selections that may or may not work.
I just have to decide if I want to explore them as they make themselves aparrent.
I have the option. I just need to be aware.
Then. Sometimes the timing just sucks.
It could be a good situation..at the wrong time. It could be risky.. but tempting. It just may not be good enough. . Good ..but not good enough.
Not perfect. Not a no brainer..one that needs investigation. .careful examination. Weigh the pros and cons.
Or just ignore it and hope something better comes along.
Timing.
It could be better .. or worse.
Again..I am thankful for the times the timing has been perfect..
The right opportunity at the right time... it does happen.
It could have been better...in the long run.. if it didnt happen.
I would be in a different place.
These past years .. I have made work..
Yet.. here I am stuck..where I am.
Actually..I am stuck in my mind.
I know I could always lose my job tomorrow.
I would have to scramble to find Income.
So i can keep paying bills..
And continue..
That ..if it happens... scenario..
Timing..
Planning.. research.
Or just go for it and make it work...??
posted from Bloggeroid
Wednesday, March 1, 2017
March
March.
We had cold and wet and snow.
Fire and wind.
Typical winter on the front range.
I heard today..the company is looking for a chief in Hartford.
I could do Hartford.
Its a better market..which means higher pay.. of course everything is more costly.
Hmmmm
Of course there was Baton Rouge.. and Wichita Falls.. too.. not for me.
It was a paperwork and meeting day. Plus it was cool..then snow..then sun..then snow..
I must apologize for my last post.
Well maybe just explain.
Damage...
Yes ..we are all damaged in one way or another.
It was just a moment of observation. .
I am at that point..
The place where I am taking stock in what is available to me..
And of course..what isn't.
I am usually much more negative in public..where in my head.. I always entertain the variables. Mostly pipe dreams.. fantasy..
One can always hope.
Lately.. I have realized. .just who I am.. and my options have diminished..
That said.. I had little before.. now... much less.
I am finding..that what is left..is not without compromise.
I have always been open to it.. but now.. it is much more work.
Somewhere I missed out on the opportunity to find the easy way out. I must have been asleep.
I know it is there.. some have found it.. bliss.. I know it is possible.
Happiness..or at the least, a comfortable place. Somewhere you can come home and be happy to have someone there for you. Mutual appreciation for each other. The one you go to to forget the stresses of the world. They don't have to like who you have to be.. you don't have to like who they are for everyone else...you like to be with them..over everyone else. It don't have to be furious heat.. just a break from everyone else's issues. That allows passion and synchronicity. A bond that nothing out side can see. Beyond soul mate. The one that keeps you sane..in this insane world..seperate from the stress of the day to day..
If you find that.. the rest is magic.
In the truest meaning of magic..
Unexplainable. But fantastic.
I have the hope that you are out there..looking for me, cause I am looking for you..have I found you? Am I looking for a way to make you realize .. it's ME!!!
Or have I missed you?
It has happened.. more times than I can say..and probably more than that..for those times..I was just ... oblivious. .
The norm for me..totally clueless. .
Just goes back..to the one..that hit me over the head.
You.. flower girl...
No. I have no idea if you are still reading these.
I hope you are well and things are much better.
Better with out me in your world.
It has never been my plan to interfere.
You matter and deserve what you need.
No one should be able to take that from you.
Strength and hugs..and much love to you.
Here we are.
Stepping into the next month.
It has been a blur.. and here I am.
Waiting for my next decision.
Hello March 2017!
R 3/1/17
Arrrrghh!!
We had cold and wet and snow.
Fire and wind.
Typical winter on the front range.
I heard today..the company is looking for a chief in Hartford.
I could do Hartford.
Its a better market..which means higher pay.. of course everything is more costly.
Hmmmm
Of course there was Baton Rouge.. and Wichita Falls.. too.. not for me.
It was a paperwork and meeting day. Plus it was cool..then snow..then sun..then snow..
I must apologize for my last post.
Well maybe just explain.
Damage...
Yes ..we are all damaged in one way or another.
It was just a moment of observation. .
I am at that point..
The place where I am taking stock in what is available to me..
And of course..what isn't.
I am usually much more negative in public..where in my head.. I always entertain the variables. Mostly pipe dreams.. fantasy..
One can always hope.
Lately.. I have realized. .just who I am.. and my options have diminished..
That said.. I had little before.. now... much less.
I am finding..that what is left..is not without compromise.
I have always been open to it.. but now.. it is much more work.
Somewhere I missed out on the opportunity to find the easy way out. I must have been asleep.
I know it is there.. some have found it.. bliss.. I know it is possible.
Happiness..or at the least, a comfortable place. Somewhere you can come home and be happy to have someone there for you. Mutual appreciation for each other. The one you go to to forget the stresses of the world. They don't have to like who you have to be.. you don't have to like who they are for everyone else...you like to be with them..over everyone else. It don't have to be furious heat.. just a break from everyone else's issues. That allows passion and synchronicity. A bond that nothing out side can see. Beyond soul mate. The one that keeps you sane..in this insane world..seperate from the stress of the day to day..
If you find that.. the rest is magic.
In the truest meaning of magic..
Unexplainable. But fantastic.
I have the hope that you are out there..looking for me, cause I am looking for you..have I found you? Am I looking for a way to make you realize .. it's ME!!!
Or have I missed you?
It has happened.. more times than I can say..and probably more than that..for those times..I was just ... oblivious. .
The norm for me..totally clueless. .
Just goes back..to the one..that hit me over the head.
You.. flower girl...
No. I have no idea if you are still reading these.
I hope you are well and things are much better.
Better with out me in your world.
It has never been my plan to interfere.
You matter and deserve what you need.
No one should be able to take that from you.
Strength and hugs..and much love to you.
Here we are.
Stepping into the next month.
It has been a blur.. and here I am.
Waiting for my next decision.
Hello March 2017!
R 3/1/17
Arrrrghh!!
posted from Bloggeroid
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