If not for the pain in my neck and head..
And the day/night/day/night of work..
And the total lack of sleep .. stress and responsibility. ..
I may have never noticed the extreme lack of attention.
Not from anyone particular.. every one.
What the hell did I do?
Really..
Must be timing. Or total lack of it.
Yes..I had the rule.. but it didn't last.. it didn't apply.. at least not to me.
Ok. It has been a weird week.. with the outage at work..being called in after 1 hour of sleep and working 13 hours straight after 8 and before 9 more.. then. Going home and sleping 3 hours more.. ugh.
I am totally out of sync.
I have business to figure out. Things to do.. adulting..
Also no real clue how to turn that $4000 into the $10000 I need to get the requirement done.
My financial life has been nickle and dime'ing me to death.. new obligations from $170 to $270 here and there.. but one two...three ..and now this.. this has to be done. No way out of it.. and its gonna cost me.. probably another $280 a month..
Adulting sucks...it is like the rest of my life... just me..just my responsibility..
I will get it done. I always do.
You know..
I am always here. You can always talk to me.
I care..I did once..that means I always will.
There is no exceptions .
I have always been that way..
If you know me at all..
You should know this.
I have to figure out where you are.
I can see the changes in the communication..
It is quite apparent.
The little tests..make me wonder.
As alway..I over think. Second guess.. guess wrong.. and wait..wait.. wait.. to see .
No.. I don't know what is happening..because you haven't told me..
I think I know..
But I do know ..that I don't know.
That being said.
Talk to me! Tell me. Don't make me figure it out..
A simple .. 'go away'.. or 'leave me alone for now'
Or forevever.. will help me ..it won't answer all my question..and may make me stop asking myself..maybe even stop me from asking you..
Maybe not.. but
On to you..
(Yes..from my perspective)
I have no idea why..
I do not know what I should expect.
I am an analytical person.. I examine the things that are important to me.
I have no one person in my life that is driving me.
Unfortunately.. I need that.
So I am floating.. looking.. trying not to settle.
It is really hard..because settling.. is easy..limited drama..but not what I want..
Damn.
Ok..this has been my life.
I have not gotten used to it. but I understand it..somewhat.
I 'need' one of those.... oh yeah... I need to be thinking that way... moments..
I know.. no one is going to help me.
Yes I go out of my way to help anyone..
With no questions..no obligations..no requirement for anything..
But..I also know.. no one will 'pay me back'.. not that is required.. but..really. shouldn't you..at least.. acknowledge the caring or help?
Ok..specifics..
T.. (yes..the correct name).. I think I know what happened..
I know some of what pains you are going through..
I totally understand.
I cannot ..will not intergect what I think.. I really dont know..
I cannot know.. it is up to you..I know what you said..what you told me. Sorry if I was blunt.
I was just reminding you of what you said.
I care.. I hope you know this.
Don't hurt yourself.
But..make it work if you need to.
M.. please.. remember.
C.. I know you don't read these.. but
Don't give up. You know me.. you have had that chance..to see me..know me..
I am what you see...if you can see me.. you have to decide.
I am here.
Waiting.
'Do you hear me?..do you care?..'
'What are words for?'
'When no one listens..when no one listens at all'
:)
Yes it is October..time is flying by.
Yet..I am
Right where I was..
I just don't know.
Someone. . Reach out...
Grab me..pull me back from the edge.
I think..next month..I wil disappear. .
Really...this sucks.
R 10/13/16
And the day/night/day/night of work..
And the total lack of sleep .. stress and responsibility. ..
I may have never noticed the extreme lack of attention.
Not from anyone particular.. every one.
What the hell did I do?
Really..
Must be timing. Or total lack of it.
Yes..I had the rule.. but it didn't last.. it didn't apply.. at least not to me.
Ok. It has been a weird week.. with the outage at work..being called in after 1 hour of sleep and working 13 hours straight after 8 and before 9 more.. then. Going home and sleping 3 hours more.. ugh.
I am totally out of sync.
I have business to figure out. Things to do.. adulting..
Also no real clue how to turn that $4000 into the $10000 I need to get the requirement done.
My financial life has been nickle and dime'ing me to death.. new obligations from $170 to $270 here and there.. but one two...three ..and now this.. this has to be done. No way out of it.. and its gonna cost me.. probably another $280 a month..
Adulting sucks...it is like the rest of my life... just me..just my responsibility..
I will get it done. I always do.
You know..
I am always here. You can always talk to me.
I care..I did once..that means I always will.
There is no exceptions .
I have always been that way..
If you know me at all..
You should know this.
I have to figure out where you are.
I can see the changes in the communication..
It is quite apparent.
The little tests..make me wonder.
As alway..I over think. Second guess.. guess wrong.. and wait..wait.. wait.. to see .
No.. I don't know what is happening..because you haven't told me..
I think I know..
But I do know ..that I don't know.
That being said.
Talk to me! Tell me. Don't make me figure it out..
A simple .. 'go away'.. or 'leave me alone for now'
Or forevever.. will help me ..it won't answer all my question..and may make me stop asking myself..maybe even stop me from asking you..
Maybe not.. but
On to you..
(Yes..from my perspective)
I have no idea why..
I do not know what I should expect.
I am an analytical person.. I examine the things that are important to me.
I have no one person in my life that is driving me.
Unfortunately.. I need that.
So I am floating.. looking.. trying not to settle.
It is really hard..because settling.. is easy..limited drama..but not what I want..
Damn.
Ok..this has been my life.
I have not gotten used to it. but I understand it..somewhat.
I 'need' one of those.... oh yeah... I need to be thinking that way... moments..
I know.. no one is going to help me.
Yes I go out of my way to help anyone..
With no questions..no obligations..no requirement for anything..
But..I also know.. no one will 'pay me back'.. not that is required.. but..really. shouldn't you..at least.. acknowledge the caring or help?
Ok..specifics..
T.. (yes..the correct name).. I think I know what happened..
I know some of what pains you are going through..
I totally understand.
I cannot ..will not intergect what I think.. I really dont know..
I cannot know.. it is up to you..I know what you said..what you told me. Sorry if I was blunt.
I was just reminding you of what you said.
I care.. I hope you know this.
Don't hurt yourself.
But..make it work if you need to.
M.. please.. remember.
C.. I know you don't read these.. but
Don't give up. You know me.. you have had that chance..to see me..know me..
I am what you see...if you can see me.. you have to decide.
I am here.
Waiting.
'Do you hear me?..do you care?..'
'What are words for?'
'When no one listens..when no one listens at all'
:)
Yes it is October..time is flying by.
Yet..I am
Right where I was..
I just don't know.
Someone. . Reach out...
Grab me..pull me back from the edge.
I think..next month..I wil disappear. .
Really...this sucks.
R 10/13/16
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