Escape

Can I escape?
Do I need to ..?

Nothing is 'timely' ..a person kind of has to make it fit.

The window of availability is close..
Schedules exist..even if I don't have the whole time line..
I am very near the just do it phase.

I need human contact.. touch...
I am functioning as is..but it is not without it's toll.
I am feeling detatched..floating.. reaching. .but not connecting...

Not good.
I have the anchor..tether...which is welcome..but I must not rely on it..I need to wean off it..
Do not get me wrong..I love it !.. but I know it is not allowed. .
I have been told..

But here we are in the end of the year.. the 'time of year' needed but stay away time...
I am running out of days.
Before we know it it will be January.

I have the roof repair.. I do not think it will be more than 2 days..probably just one...should be next week.
I do not need to be home for that.. but...I cannot leave L home alone.. while it is going on. ..
Or can I....???

I am not that selfish..but.. time is ticking ..
It looks like another year of ..you do not have the ability to use the time given.. you will lose it..
I have 64 hours..and 2 months and a week to use it...
Tick tock..

Ok.
I am sitting here.
Because I was tired at 6.. I napped.. and now..here I am.
Sitting here.. blogging...

This is why I blog..I can reach into .. me.. and see where my head is..
Really. .I read these posts later..and over again..to see what is really in my head.
Add a few beers or drinks..and I open up.. and it sometimes will pour forth..all I am holding in..dwelling on..the things that I am stresssing over.. the things I should be sharing with someone that understands or cares. So....
I post it.
And you see..the me I hide.

Closing that door...

It is midnight.. and I should be home..it is now Friday. .

I have planned to work on my cars this weekend..
Cooling..tires.. and such.. I need to do more prep for the roof repairs..
Of course..I need to win the lottery..and buy the island in Fiji..

Sorry..got lost there for a minute. ..

I have realized.. my train of thought..has derailed..
So..

To you that read my rants..
I love you!
Thanks.

You are seeing me...trying to remain sane.
Trying not to be so lonely.

For a sane person..it is harder than anyone knows.
Maybe..not. .
Is this the struggle everyone goes through?
Who knew..??

To all that matter..
Big tight hugs!!!
A smack on the ass of those that deserve it.
A fist bump to the rest.
A hug to rival all other hugs..one that lingers..and one you don't want to end..
And a round of drinks to everyone else!
And finally..that look..the one that conveys. . Sympatico.. connection. .love...understanding.

Love you all.

...love me..? !

R 10/28/16
《 》 《 》 《《 》》

posted from Bloggeroid

Tick..tock..tick..tock.

That time thing again.
And as always..decisions...

Oh..yes..I have looked..planned and weighed the options.
As always..still looking for the 'just do it'.. because I will.

I have leveraged the money..I can.. i have settled the homefront.. and know it is all doable.. really not much preventing it.

Just the timing and the commitment.

Then just to do it.

...
Or not at all..
A 'staycation' was recommended by my general manager..
Of course.. I never 'un-leash' on him.. but the rest.. can realize when I need a vacation. ..

Someday I will overstep and pay dearly..

You do not know how many time I have checked for a cheap flight away. How many times I have considered sending a ticket..for someone to come here.
How many times..I have considered filling the tank..and driving away..

I know I have time that I need to use..have to use..for so many reasons..

Use it or loose it..money or not..

Having no life beside work..
Is not the way to be.
I am living it..have been for too long.

Hey! I am perfect.. no issues here!

As I creep up on another milestone. ..

Not getting any younger.
Not where I should be.


You know.. I have so little options..
And I look at all possibilities..
I realize..the few options are literally fighting it out in my head.
Mistakes I have made.. not necessarily regretting..but not having the end result. ... then being reminded..
And realizing.. choices. . And results..
And being presented with uncertanties..vs a diffferent direction. .an unknown..a total different direction uncertain unknown. . One that holds little stability. . But is ..different in its comfort.
Is it a 'grass is greener'..thing?.
Is it a you don't need to get burned again by falling too in love. .
So you have an out that will leave you alone again..
Situation..
Or is it just you screwing up a good thing because you will never be happy or complete at the same time?

I know.. do not second guess it.
Live the moment..because it is fleeting..

You know. .you will never get what you think you deserve.
And barely what you need.

That has been proven.
You may for a minute..

But ..
Not.

Yes... this is an ouch..
A reality check. .

Just me.

R 10/26/16

posted from Bloggeroid

Loss.

Everyone experiences loss.
Either expected or sudden.
It does not make it any less painful.
Most deal with loss based on the proximity to our life.
Someone near to us..is more painful than someone we barely knew.

Loss is loss. It means something to someone.
Some are devastated by the loss.
Some survive.
Everyone deals with loss differently.
People mean different things to different people.
How we react to that loss in our life.. is a personal thing.
No one can judge how we should feel about it.

The hole in our lives that is gone forever...
Only we can judge what that means to us.
And no one can fault us for that.

When it comes to death.. and the loss we experience..it is a personal experience.
We must make peace with the dead and the living..
We need to figure out how we need to continue on with our memories and ghosts.
No one can tell us when to stop greiving..or how we should feel.
It is completely up to us..where we feel we are...
If someone doesn't understand that.. they really don't know.
Until they do.. you hope they never do.. but you know they will...
As you get older.. life takes more from you than it gives..
Sad.. but true.

Embrace those that love you..
Understand those that don't.

Continue..be you.

Know.. someone loves you.

R
10/24/16

posted from Bloggeroid

Damage control.. it's what I do.

I was talking to someone...an aquaintance that typically does not talk with me...just usually the basic 'hi' and the occasional 'like' .. but they out of the blue ..Said hello to me in chat. Then asked how I was..I responded as always..' I am doing ok' ..and asked about them..and got a normal reponse.
Then.. I continued..to express about my stresses at work.. they replied that the month has sucked. I agreed and stated I thought the same about last month. .
They replied the whole year sucked.
I countered.. fourtunately it will be over soon.
Then for no reason..continued.. that work will have new owners and I will be busy..busy is good. Hopefully I will be able to move forward..instead of just damage control. I am good at fixing things. .but when all you are doing is damage control..you are not getting anywhere..just maintaining.
Then I realized..and said.. it is the same at work as in my life.. I am just doing damage control. . Not getting anywhere. Not advancing.

I think.. I scared them away...their response was delayed..then sympathetic.. so I stated I was going out to light a fire.. and said good night... the fire was nice.

So.. In all this.. I realized.. this is what I have been doing.

Damage Control..

I survive. .I continue on to the next task.. but here I am..the same place I was ... nothing is improving..the next challenge is coming for me to solve.
I looked at my monthly finances.. and I dont know how I am getting from one month to the next...but I have been surviving for the past months.. and according to my budget..I am underwater.
Must be a miscalculation..you know..like everyhing else..

I need to plan..and perform a few things soon.. I need a job..I need to get L a job..and probably accept that roomate offer.
I will be able to level my finances..and spend less time at home by myself.

I will be too busy ... again for The 'onely' .

When you got none.....

R 10/23/16

posted from Bloggeroid

Next.. what's next?

Ok.
Now that I have thoroughly cussed me out.
And accidentally cussed out you thaf read this..
What is next?

I still did not hit the lottery..
(I guess you have to actually play to win..)
My bank and checkbook..does not agree with my net worth.
There is a disconnect..just have not found it.
I appear to have floated my money successfully for the past 10 months.. with no help..
But..I know the hammer will eventually fall..so I am considering a roommate. Even at $300 a month..I think I will improve my situation. I may have enough to stay afloat.. pay my kids school bills..and be able to fix my project car..so it is reliable enough to drive daily.. reducing the need to buy another car for L.

The option is there.

Yes..I will still be alone..but maybe back to being able to take trips.. visit.... and such.

Plans.

' I want to get away..I want to fly away... yeah...yeah..'

So..tonight I am not angry..or volatile. .I am somewhat clear..
As long as I don't get disturbing text or call..I am doing good.

Plans made...noodled out..places to go.

(If you want..to be part of this...future.. you may want to speak up.)

R 10/20/16

posted from Bloggeroid

Ohh that is who your yelling at!

After re-reading the last few posts...
I could not see who it was directed at.. very disjointed..
Hard to follow and several detours..

I figured out. . I was yelling at me!

Those disjointed statements... half thoughts.. complaints.. were to me..
I am harsh and unforgiving when it comes to examining my lack of action.
I was reading and wondering who I was pissed at.. it is me.
I need to figure out a lot. I need to find that happy place.. and move there.

So.. no.. I am not passing judgement on anyone else.. just me..
I am failing everywhere.. I cannot save it.. it is a sinking ship.. and I am standing on the deck.
I really need to recenter and figure out the next step.
Work..home..parenting..relationships..friendships..finances the lot!
I need to stop floundering..and make a stand..make a decision.. a plan..even if it fails..it is a start in a direction..
I need to be the go to guy for me.. like I am for everyone else..
I can do this..I can fix this..I can make it less painful.

I know how to do this..I have given this advice to others...I need to give it to me... if I will heed it.

I think my issue is I have no one here I can confide in. . No one that wants to hear it... everyone I know needs..and not willing to help.
Yes, I need help.
Everywhere.
I have been sliding away for so long.. I am lost.

Lost.

I have been living here..in this life .. this place..
For 14 yrs.. and.. I have no one I can call friend.
That is sad.
Yes, I did that to myself in the beginning..but now.. it is out of my control.. here I am..
The only friends I have are not local.. 2200 miles away..

I have dug this hole.. here I lie.

I have located myself far from friends and family.. lovers and companions.. for reasons that do not matter anymore..not mattered for 10 yrs.. yet. I am still here.. surviving. . Barely..

Changes need to be made.
Soon.
Serious changes!

I am not a kid anymore.
I need to restructure my thought processes...
Yes..I have responsibilities. . Human and financial..
But I have a responsibility to me..my happiness..my comfort.
And I must acknowledge that.

Yes..all good in a post..
I need to.. do.. this.

There is no one..
No where..
In my life..
At this time..
That can suggest. .or direct me.
No one cares enough..or has the knowledge. . To help.
Everyone has their issues..
Unlike me..i put others ahead of me..
I help them..

Help me!

Yes..I am asking.

You should know..
The lonelyness is an issue..one we dwell on.
It is in our face. .
Something we obsess on..
It can be remedied. . With friendship.. care and..connection.
I have friends.
I know.. the friends I have care deeply..
But.....

I know where I rate..

Not discounting.. our friendship...
But.. I know I am far away..
Farther than.. you have ever traveled. .

But.. the great out there... exists.. some of us... are out here..
And hope you find us.

Yes.. I know..we.need to..launch that locator flare.

I have been firing the flares...
No one has been seeing them.

:(

You know..sometimes. .... helping others. ...
Helps you!

I have been doing this.. forever.

Sorry to say..the results.. require....a lot of work...
I can do it..
I have done it.
But. .. This point. .. I need help.

Ok.. I must stop..
Too much beer.

If you know me. .
Love you.

If you don't. .
Love you to!

I have to go...

Good night.

R
10/19/16

posted from Bloggeroid

Just add another bill

It never fails.. I just signed a contract to start repairs..and the contract to finance it..and today got another school bill.. payments start this month.

Finances can really bite you sometime.

I have to wonder where my head is..It swims sometimes.
Difficult to decipher.
I try.

I have many things I need to do.
Some I have no idea how to start.
Some I just dont want to start. I am unsure of the result.
It can end well or poorly.

But I have to make a decision and just get it done.

R 10/18/16

posted from Bloggeroid

Moving..on......

Today started with an end.

I am fine with closure.

When you care..you only want the best for someone.
No agenda..no regrets.

Today was an a typical busy Monday.
Fallout to follow.
Personel issues and personal issues..
I feel I handled what I needed to...
The things I wanted to and the things I avoided..
Exist..
And will be dealt with..in their time.
I need to do many things..and I know it is a little at a time..I cannot do all at once..
Yes.. I have figured out where that coward ISTBA is hiding...
Sorry M. He can be a pain.. he has his own agenda..and you never know what that is.
For me... either give him a full on punch..or a kick in the nuts!
He deserves it..

Trust me.

..
Again ... moving on..

The things I am forced to deal with..
The rationalizations.. the excuses..
I am too old for this.

Hey!.. either you want me in your life..or you want me to make room in mine for you.. or you don't.
Stop making me guess..
I really do not have time or the energy to have to figure this out..

STOP...MAKING THIS SO HARD!!!

Figure out what you want..let me know..and lets move on!

If you haven't figured this out by now...
I will love you forever.
Really, no question about that.
If there is..you have not been paying attention.

This guy.. me.. I am really transparent.. what you see..is what you get.. you just have to look.
And really..it is not my fault that you haven't.

My best..short term girl.. saw..and when I didn't. .. made it plain.
'Ouch'
But..now..one of those friends..I will always have.. even if we can not talk..
We know.

And for the rest of you....

Yes, I do.. I will always. .
Don't ever question it.
Never.
There is none .. more
None that means more or less.

I am not easy..and neither are you..
So.. that means more than..a hierarchy. .it is life.
The life that we shared..
You made me the man I am today..
Yes..with all my issues and heart aches.

Yes..we move on..and make life choices..
But, we should never forget how we got here.

Ok..I think I am done for now.
I need sleep..

Yes .. I miss you.
Yes, I know.
No... I do wish...

So much...

Ask me.

R 10/17/16
.

posted from Bloggeroid

I am a friend

I will start this..this way.

I wish you all the best.
Like I said in my reply....
Ok. Good for you! Good luck.
I mean that sincerely.
From my heart.

I was not the issue. And I never meant to be.
I am a friend first and always.
If this is goodbye. So be it.
I will never discount someone trying to make things work..for all the right reasons.
I am only a distraction when it is needed. I never intend to become a wedge.
I am not a homewrecker.. a stealer of hearts..
Never my intention.

This will be the last comment on this..in entirety...

For you and all involved.. I wish you all the best.
Make it work! You can and have. Keep working at it.
Don't hurt yourselves or the people that matter.
Know the difference..

I will always be your friend.
If only in my past.


-----------------------


Moving on.


-----------------------

R 10/17/16

posted from Bloggeroid

Weekend.. it really never ends...

Just a mark on a calendar.
I woke early. Tentative plans for thourghout the day.
Nothing overly specific.. no to the morning thing.. laundry and groceries instead . .. I did get up on the roof and pull off the dish. But only after a knock at the door that will cost me $7000.
A necessary evil..after several hours and high pressure.. I signed the papers. Work will start..soon.
But it needed to be done. Yes ankther monthly bill to deal with.
So.. cleaned up the yard a bit.. went to dinner.
Worked on a project that could wait.. showerd and decided to be around other humans.. since I bailed on the wedding...and the haunted house.. right now..not something I need in my life...

Tomorrow. . I will figure out what to do about the other antenna.
Maybe wash the car..and do my weekly obligation..and see what comes next. I should deliver the bicycle I have been storing.. maybe..

I have been looking for excuses to call or chat.. but I cannot find a real reason to call. I dont want to look like a desperate pest..
So .. I stay home and do nothing.. clean.. sleep.. cook.. read..
Even ISTBA is keeping distant.

I have been getting up late.. not wanting to start the day.. no reason to.. then once at work.. no reason to go home...so I stay late.

Since I got the house thing scheduled. .it may be a good time to burn a few days.. after this week..I have a report due Friday..after that.. no things buring..maybe...
Of course..I can't afford it..and I will have to figure out what L will be doing..short of coming with.. but... maybe...

I talk big sometimes.. and it all falls down.

Hmm..

More later.
R 10/15/16

posted from Bloggeroid

No I did not forget.

No..I am not preoccupied. .

J.. you are here again. You want to see me..
I just don't know how much.
Oh ..I want to see you too. It has been a long summer.. and I have been here ..with the exception of my trip..but none the less by myself. It would be so easy to step back in..or let you step back in..

C.C. you are here also..you have been..but I kept getting the feeling you were holding me at arms length.. you didn't want me to get too attached.. I told you what I saw.. how I felt.. and there has been no connection. . I see you struggle..maybe not the right word.. decide maybe.. with learning more..taking the chance. . And backing away.
Yes, I saw your general invite....but not my thing..and I have a wedding..

Yes this is a result of 'the rule' .. really nothing more..
I am not this popular. . Never have been..except for the rule..

Yes, I do not like the indecision of the choices..
I have made the wrong decision a few times..
I have as much as told one..no because I was going on the other path.. and found out quickly the other path was a dead end..or lead to a cliff.
I know better than to back track to the fork and try to pickup where I was.. just to either find the bridge already burned or I am holding the torch to burn it down as I go.. certain disaster.

So .. once again.. here I am..just me wishing.

Got 1 got 3 (well not limited to 3)
Got none..there you are all alone.

And..in my present state of mind..
Nothing is gonna go my way.

Where the hell is ISTBA?
Why is he hiding?
Did he do something?
Is he the cause..did he do a 'rain' dance?
Probably.. Being the the karma cause..
Just to keep my life from being boring.

I have to get out of town.

The real shame of it all..
I could go outside of character. .and take advantage..
Yes..I do think of it..when I see it..but.. just not me.
I could..and I could be happy making you happy.. and it might work that way.. for a long time.. but in the end .. I would regret going to that point. . Just not me.

Montana.

Just going on record..for those that read this.. and really care enough to know...
If I drop off the face of the planet. .fall off connectivity..if that is even possible.. and no one knows where I went..
If you care.. I will have moved to Montana..
Hell.. I may be there now..and you would never know..if I found the internet.. I am sure it is there somewhere.

A dream.

Hey! If I am going to be alone.. why not in the middle of no where?

All that aside..
This month has been weird financially. . My ledger and checkbooks look like they are on track..not supposed to be happening.. I have made no changes..got no real extra money..but I seem to not be struggling..I know I am but right now..it dont appear that way..

That aside..

Time.. flows just like a river...to the sea.. to the sea.

I am not grinning.. and feeling alone. .and not really doing anything about it.

Someone..please..give me something to grin about.
Is that too much to ask?

Amazingly... so am running out of commentary. .
And I need to drink another beer..and go to bed.. it isnt Friday yet.

Good luck I & V.

'I just heard a quote... you know how the ugly girls have a great personality. .you are one of those but really pretty ..you are a Unicorn!'

I won't remember that..

R 10/13/16.. 11:27p

posted from Bloggeroid

Attention.. then.. nothing

If not for the pain in my neck and head..
And the day/night/day/night of work..
And the total lack of sleep .. stress and responsibility. ..
I may have never noticed the extreme lack of attention.
Not from anyone particular.. every one.
What the hell did I do?
Really..
Must be timing. Or total lack of it.
Yes..I had the rule.. but it didn't last.. it didn't apply.. at least not to me.

Ok. It has been a weird week.. with the outage at work..being called in after 1 hour of sleep and working 13 hours straight after 8 and before 9 more.. then. Going home and sleping 3 hours more.. ugh.
I am totally out of sync.
I have business to figure out. Things to do.. adulting..
Also no real clue how to turn that $4000 into the $10000 I need to get the requirement done.
My financial life has been nickle and dime'ing me to death.. new obligations from $170 to $270 here and there.. but one two...three ..and now this.. this has to be done. No way out of it.. and its gonna cost me.. probably another $280 a month..
Adulting sucks...it is like the rest of my life... just me..just my responsibility..
I will get it done. I always do.

You know..
I am always here. You can always talk to me.
I care..I did once..that means I always will.
There is no exceptions .
I have always been that way..
If you know me at all..
You should know this.
I have to figure out where you are.
I can see the changes in the communication..
It is quite apparent.
The little tests..make me wonder.
As alway..I over think. Second guess.. guess wrong.. and wait..wait.. wait.. to see .

No.. I don't know what is happening..because you haven't told me..
I think I know..
But I do know ..that I don't know.

That being said.

Talk to me! Tell me. Don't make me figure it out..
A simple .. 'go away'.. or 'leave me alone for now'
Or forevever.. will help me ..it won't answer all my question..and may make me stop asking myself..maybe even stop me from asking you..

Maybe not.. but

On to you..

(Yes..from my perspective)

I have no idea why..
I do not know what I should expect.

I am an analytical person.. I examine the things that are important to me.
I have no one person in my life that is driving me.
Unfortunately.. I need that.
So I am floating.. looking.. trying not to settle.
It is really hard..because settling.. is easy..limited drama..but not what I want..

Damn.


Ok..this has been my life.
I have not gotten used to it. but I understand it..somewhat.
I 'need' one of those.... oh yeah... I need to be thinking that way... moments..

I know.. no one is going to help me.
Yes I go out of my way to help anyone..
With no questions..no obligations..no requirement for anything..
But..I also know.. no one will 'pay me back'.. not that is required.. but..really. shouldn't you..at least.. acknowledge the caring or help?

Ok..specifics..

T.. (yes..the correct name).. I think I know what happened..
I know some of what pains you are going through..
I totally understand.
I cannot ..will not intergect what I think.. I really dont know..
I cannot know.. it is up to you..I know what you said..what you told me. Sorry if I was blunt.
I was just reminding you of what you said.
I care.. I hope you know this.
Don't hurt yourself.
But..make it work if you need to.

M.. please.. remember.

C.. I know you don't read these.. but
Don't give up. You know me.. you have had that chance..to see me..know me..
I am what you see...if you can see me.. you have to decide.
I am here.
Waiting.

'Do you hear me?..do you care?..'
'What are words for?'
'When no one listens..when no one listens at all'

:)

Yes it is October..time is flying by.

Yet..I am
Right where I was..

I just don't know.

Someone. . Reach out...
Grab me..pull me back from the edge.

I think..next month..I wil disappear. .

Really...this sucks.

R 10/13/16

posted from Bloggeroid

No idea why...

My last few posts have been ... all over the spectrum. ..
Most have had chemical help.. but even the soberous post is confusing...
Yes..I read these after I post...

I am amazed..the things I post.

Bottom line..
I feel like I am alone in this world..and that no one wants me.

Period.

Not really a good feeling..

It creeps in .. now and again.
A person cannot avoid the clear signs.
It is really obvious..
Years of loneliness..
Capped by a reason to settle.. two times...

I passed on things..
No real regret.. but
Maybe..

No, I have nothing but scenarios.. of events..that would never have happened.

But ..after it all..
Look .. I am alone..
No .. not only alone..but
Lonely...

I should join a club..

Or not.. (Beatles reference.....)

Really.. is it wrong..to try to help someone..all the while...helping yourself?

It goes both ways.. you... can help you... and I can help you..and me... and.look!!! Everyone is happy!

What am I thinking!!!!!!!

No one should be happy..
No one .

:(

'Don't worry be happy'
Mmmm mmn don't worry be happy...
'Dont worry be happy'

:)

Unfortunately. .it does not address..being alone.
Feeling alone.

This reminds me..
People I know..that know.. me...
Always comment..when I have perma-smile..
Those that know me..know what that is...

What I know..
Is it is when I am sooo happy..so complete...
I cannot help but grin from ear to ear...

Really it has been noticed..a few times..

Failures all... but ..the moment..was glorious..

Like the total stranger. .in the grocery store..
How cute a couple we were...

Not to be..I didn't fit the criteria..
I didn't rate..I wasn't a golf pro..I wasn't rich..
You know.. I am exactly what you think I should be..nothing more..as long as you are smiling when you think of me.
No frowns.. no regrets...

Too many regrets.

R 10/10/16

posted from Bloggeroid

Rules

I am a victim of my own rules.
Some rules are an result of defining situations I find myself in.
Some just are simply a realization of events that happen...
repeatedly...
Assign it a rule.. and there you go.

Some rules you make.. pop in to remind you.
Just to see if you are paying attention...to see if you forget..
Forget that you are not worthy. That no one really does... without getting something.. forget that giving a damn...caring.. allowing someone in.. gets you nothing...well...confusion.. pain.. indecision.. doubt.

Yes, all quite dramatic..but really the story of life..the way it really is.
Care if you dare.. or be...

The little reality check.. makes a guy think.
There is things you want..things you can have and things you can't.
Sure, you go put yourself out there.. and get what you get...or not.
All it does is remind you..
Yeah, you can just take what you get.. for how little time it is given.
Try to move on..try not to obsess.. its hard. It nearly impossible to care so much and let go.

Not used.. not played.. just have to enjoy while it lasts.
Don't be cold.. Don't detatch.. cause if you do.. you will never see ..never be.. it will pass you by.
Even a smack upside the head won't help you see.
Then you will wallow in the ... why am I so...

I guess that should be a new rule.

Such is life..

Sometimes I have no idea. .
No..actually. .that is all the time.

R 10/9/16

posted from Bloggeroid

What was that?

No idea.. read and reread posts..
No idea where that came from.
I didn't see much coherence. . I am sure there is something there.
Just I have no idea what i was trying to reference..

Must have been a long long day.

Speaking of long days.. today is right there.
I'm glad it is time for sleep..
I went to bed early-ish..and got up early and after a stop at work went to my all day training. .meeting..
Yes. I know what harassment is..
I know how to fire someone now..

Moving on...
I do not think I will 'settle' ..
I will be strong.
I can do that.

I will allow myself to invite the new in my life.. I will not ignore..will not turn away.. there is always possibilities..

No ' I'm not a dweeb' ..not a fool..
Do not play me that way..
I did not give up.. don't you.

Something someone let slip..
Making me think..
Is it just a test..of you..not me?
Or a test of me..?

No matter..
I don't test well.

I feel

I care

Usually not enough..usually too much..it cannot be one sided..
May be fun..but that is about the life of it..

HEY!!!!!!!!

ok..do I have your attention?

Hello.

R 10/5/16

posted from Bloggeroid

Posts

Hello there!

Yes... I do not know what I am doing.
Which is always a good thing.
I have plans that never amount to much.
I have things I want to persue..but don't.
I have success where I expect failure.

You know..
Or not...

I am that guy.

The one you think you know..
Think you have boxed In..
And suprise. .
You are boxed... contained..
And I am not.

And to be honest.. I want to be.

Some have had the chance..some held the keys..
And never knew...maybe didn't care.

I am glad for that.

But .. here I am..
Just me..and my baggage.
Once..I would love to get that lost at an airport...

So.

Make the best of it all.

When you have one...

Choose.

Choose me.

It has been worse..and could be much worse..
Hell...you could be married to lesbian..
Still.

But you are not..
And those years made you a better person...

Now to find the person to appreciate that..to benefit from that..

Ok. I am done.

Hey! You! There outside the wall..

Now is the time.

I have fallen pick me up.. hug me. Kiss me.. make it known..or
Leave me...to wallow....

You know.. I know.. I have a week to settle..
(Not my plan)
I will resist..and wait..
But not forever.. I have made choices outside of your indecision..
You... placating those that control .. YOU. ..

You know what.. I am too old for this.. make the choice. . Or I will
Move on..
I have done it over and over..
I don't seem to move on or foreward
..

Love you all.

Help me to make the right ...
Decision is not the right phrase..word..
Choice.... if you give me a choice..

ISTBA... Where are you????

lost like me i guess..

Hey..
If you read this....
Come see me..
Realize why you avoided me...

I am me.

Fixer
Handy man..

Many nicknames..
You pick.

I am not what you think you wanted...but try me..and be amazed.I am what you never expected.. more than you thought..
Without the grief..

WTG!

With out the grief.

Ok.. I am done.

Think about me...
R ! 10/ 03 /16

posted from Bloggeroid