Travel

Travel is my way to clear my head.
Driving helps..but travel does what short trips cannot.
Being able to go..have a destination and return.. helps more than I can describe.
Even a short destination..with a quick turn around. Helps .
The road cures my ills.. fixes my issues..
Granted..some trips do so much more than that..it really depends on where I go..what I do.. and how I leave.
But the driving.. allows me to think..mull over the things in my head.
It clarifies my issues.. of course.. always creates more questions.. but to know the right questions..you will find the right answers..

But also..you find clarity..peace..

I have time to listen to all the little voices..and really hear what advice is there.

I know..the time I disappear. .will be on one of those trips.. where I was supposed to come back..and I decide to take that other road..and leave it all behind.

I saw a post tonight..of my brother..showing a picture and mentioning how family is important and such.. I was not in it..
Not sure why.. but I know where I stand.

I miss the important people in my life.
The ones that are important to me..
My importance to them is missed also..but not apparent.
I know someone somewhere feels I was important to them..
But I cant keep hoping they will remember/realize..
I have that familiar feeling of being discarded. .

Yes, I know I mattered..but..it is hard to see..feel..the result..I feel like that favorite teddy bear..that has been out grown..and sits on the shelf.. every now and then..is remembered...but still sits here on the shelf..a reminder of when you were weak as a child..and now not needed ..because that is a step back..and you are better now..and dont need that support..you have grown out of..

I know its more than that..but sometimes that is felt.

I am stuck between that.. step back..let it go and grow..
And feeling replaced..

I want to shout..
I want to grab hold..
But fear the pulling away.. the let me go, yank.
The loss.

It happens.

It really is tough..a fine line to walk.
I have that issue of fearing being forgotten..
Fearing..that my respect..turns into the appearance of seperation..change of attitude..

I am. I feel I need to be what I am now.
Not what I want..not what I was.
I dont really know what to do.
( I never ever know)

I am where I always am.. unsure..confused..wondering..

Never any answers..
More questions..
Much doubt..

I have always been a 'matter of fact' person..
Tell me what you want..I can (almost always) do it.

Damn..

R 3/14/16

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