This is different..

Usually I post from my phone..
This time I am home on my computer.

It has been one of those weeks..too long, many disappointments, few accomplishments.

I take joy in what I can. Accept the rest.
(maybe I should say endure the rest...)

I don't really have much to complain about, most of my issues are self made.
With a little work, they can be fixed or forgotten..I allow myself the indulgence of feeling, trying to belong, and accept the pains that come with it.

It has been so long since I have had family to rely on, I usually don't even consider it. I have painted myself in this corner and am just waiting for the paint to dry. I don't want to walk away through the wet paint, it will leave tracks...

I think I understand (which usually means I have no clue as to the reality of it all) why I am where I am, why I cannot attempt to go back a few months to how happy I was. But as always, I knew what was, and would be, and have to figure out what I am supposed to do about it. 
I don't know how much to let go, as always I fear being replaced and forgotten, or worse, fear being thought that I don't care anymore.. when all I am doing is what I think I should..because I don't know..I don't think anyone knows..

It doesn't hurt to be included .. only excluded. I cannot freeze my warm heart, and just walk away.
I think I was what was needed for a time, and didn't see the changes that showed me I had outlived my usefulness.  I feel I am easily replaced and forgotten.  That is nothing new, it always happens.
Sure, I have my place in the past, and I have said before...

'I have always been there for you, and probably always will, you may never see me again, or talk to me again.  

That is on you, I have always been who I am today, and if you really took the time to know me, you would realize that. I cannot dwell on those of you that chose to move on, and may or may not regret it..

I remain, the will that I was when you first met the real me... '

Those words were written a while ago, and shared with many, and most never knew it was for them..some did.. some probably wouldn't care..

Maybe I have it all wrong, and it is just too difficult for others to continue as it was, too many outside issues or internal issues that prevent you from letting me be anything more that what I am now, I was more..but now I am not. It may be just too much.  I was told once that someone had to stop seeing me, because she would fall in love with me.. and she wasn't in that place in her life to allow that... she had much else to do before being in love.. It pained me to walk away, but I did.. It probably would not have worked.. I will never know.

It is difficult to stand in the shadows.. just behind the curtain.. because that spotlight made me glow, shine if you will. I was able to share my light, because you made me bright.

Sorry..

This is how I am feeling.. this is why this blog is here.. I cannot tell you (if you read this ..I guess I have) how I am feeling, because it will hurt you, never my intention, but I have to get this out.. so I can smile and look happy.

I know, and I knew.. it is just hard to be excluded..
I just deleted another 6500 texts from my phone.. the last delete was over 8000.. really not easy..
I did that to prove to myself, that the contact has slowed down, and if I am correct. I should not push it.

That 'Time" thing will make the "Distance" what it really is.

... running out of steam.. I guess I am done for now.

R 3/4/2016  9:43p