Maybe..

I think I may have worked this out.
Probably not..
But maybe I am close..

It has been on my mind.. and I think you decided I was helping you avoid dealing with it all. I was a diversion to let you step back and try not to think about how awful this has been for you.

Yes, you had moments of grief and anger but always had me to pull you away from the reality of it.. knowing I love you, helped you get through the past year..

But you realized that having me as your anchor was not allowing you to face it head on..
It was real, but mostly not 100% of the time..
I kept you away from your alone time ..the time to realize where you are..
I know I am not a replacement. Not what I am trying to do. I was a refuge..

I went into this as your friend. Someone who cares.
Yes, I got a lot more than that.. a real companion. .you became someone who made my life better..

I needed a day unplugged to puzzle this out.. I may be wrong.. but this is how I am thinking it has been.

Now I need to decide if I should keep this at arms length. .to avoid any pressure.. or step back in and make sure you know I am still here for you if you need me.

You know that is what I want.. but I have to figure out if it is what you need...

I am not trying to make this difficult.. how I feel is not that important.. never has been. I just want to be there for you if you need me.

I know, for all your life has been.. you are still torn between the love and the betrayal. What you remember and everything that you know.

You have shared a lot with me..and I am in that spot too.. I remember what I knew..and I didnt know a lot of what happened after and later. He was one of my best friends. We spent a lot of time together and talked for years and many things changed us both..but he was my Brother... I know how much he loved you.. and now I see how much he struggled with it all.. family..the other issues.. you and D.

I know you know that I know and understand..
Probably more than most..




So..
Speaking for Me..
Please do not push me away..do not replace me with something lesser..because of the intensity..
If there is one thing I can testify to...

We click.
We get each other.
We are good for eachother.

I may not be what you need right now..
But, dont move me to that place..the place you cannot let back in..
I dont belong there!

Yeah..yeah.. ISTBA is yelling at me.. telling me to delete that last paragraph....
But, I need you to know.. despite what he says.

I have to decide if I am gonna file this.. and post later..delete it.. or post it after I finish my beer..

I guess..I am gonna post it.
It is how I feel. It is me.


R 3/21/16

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