I cannot...

I cannot think of a title,   just yet.

A few things running around my thoughts this day.
It's a quiet day, not much I want to do.
I am preoccupied in my thoughts. I cannot focus.

I got past the required chores, want to run, but cannot.
I really want to talk, but cannot.

I am missing.. not me..
It sucks because I cannot say.. I want to.. but cannot.

I am trying, I just don't get past it. I try other things, and can't get past ..
I know, if I try harder, I can move in the other direction, I am holding back.
I know this, I just cannot.

Now I see pain... I want to help, but cannot.
I know I could, but I am prevented...

I need to step, move, stop.
I guess I am tired.
I am trying to find joy in the things that mattered to me, and it is eluding me.
I am pained, because of the pain I see..

This really is not fair. I have exposed me and found that I can be seen. As usual it happened at the wrong time.. the wrong decade. I realize, if it happens again, in the same time frame... 2 or 3 decades from now.. It may just be too late. 

What I can do..is not easy for me, But I have to start, not over, but with me..
I can do what I think I cannot.

I must do what has always been difficult for me.
I just have to think about where to begin.
I must do this before I convince myself.. I cannot.

I guess I found a title.

Now I need to change it.

R 3/27/2016

I am smiling again.

Not necessarily ear to ear..but better than the past few weeks.

I noticed today..I have been negative..angry..tense..
Not sleeping well.. either waking up early..or getting a call or text to interrupt sleep..
But..nothing that makes me happy or brings a smile.. just interruptions. I have been missing the contact..and it affects my attitude..my speech..
No fault of yours..all me...

Thank you.. for defining what I realized..

I am ok..but I did grow to rely on the contact.
I felt whole..even 2200 miles away..
You helped me deal with the day to day..the bs of work and life.

I know you needed to be ... without me... my contact..
You needed prospective.. and I was only making that harder..I grew dependant..and needed you..but it was not what you needed.
Sorry.
I know..and not much I can do..

Just know.. I love you..
Always.

Good night.

R 3/23/16

posted from Bloggeroid

Maybe..

I think I may have worked this out.
Probably not..
But maybe I am close..

It has been on my mind.. and I think you decided I was helping you avoid dealing with it all. I was a diversion to let you step back and try not to think about how awful this has been for you.

Yes, you had moments of grief and anger but always had me to pull you away from the reality of it.. knowing I love you, helped you get through the past year..

But you realized that having me as your anchor was not allowing you to face it head on..
It was real, but mostly not 100% of the time..
I kept you away from your alone time ..the time to realize where you are..
I know I am not a replacement. Not what I am trying to do. I was a refuge..

I went into this as your friend. Someone who cares.
Yes, I got a lot more than that.. a real companion. .you became someone who made my life better..

I needed a day unplugged to puzzle this out.. I may be wrong.. but this is how I am thinking it has been.

Now I need to decide if I should keep this at arms length. .to avoid any pressure.. or step back in and make sure you know I am still here for you if you need me.

You know that is what I want.. but I have to figure out if it is what you need...

I am not trying to make this difficult.. how I feel is not that important.. never has been. I just want to be there for you if you need me.

I know, for all your life has been.. you are still torn between the love and the betrayal. What you remember and everything that you know.

You have shared a lot with me..and I am in that spot too.. I remember what I knew..and I didnt know a lot of what happened after and later. He was one of my best friends. We spent a lot of time together and talked for years and many things changed us both..but he was my Brother... I know how much he loved you.. and now I see how much he struggled with it all.. family..the other issues.. you and D.

I know you know that I know and understand..
Probably more than most..




So..
Speaking for Me..
Please do not push me away..do not replace me with something lesser..because of the intensity..
If there is one thing I can testify to...

We click.
We get each other.
We are good for eachother.

I may not be what you need right now..
But, dont move me to that place..the place you cannot let back in..
I dont belong there!

Yeah..yeah.. ISTBA is yelling at me.. telling me to delete that last paragraph....
But, I need you to know.. despite what he says.

I have to decide if I am gonna file this.. and post later..delete it.. or post it after I finish my beer..

I guess..I am gonna post it.
It is how I feel. It is me.


R 3/21/16

posted from Bloggeroid

Time

Ok..two in one night.
It is actually the next day.
So ..I guess its ok.

Time.
It is that thing...
It keeps moving..some times it seems slow or fast.. but it is a constant.. and it really is never our friend.

It always seems to move too fast when you are having a good time..and drag when you are not..
I would love for it to be the opposite...

That would be great.

But.. it really just ticks along..and ignores our peception of how it moves..

I miss the times that were good..and meaningful.. too few and too quick..

But I do have to admit I have many fond memories.. for as long as they last..

Thank you all..that were there in my memories.. it makes this life so much more bearable..

Right now isnt stellar..but the memories.. the past .. make it all worthwhile.

Thank you again.. all of you.. each and every one ..
Love you all.

R 3/19/16

posted from Bloggeroid

What did I do??

I have to wonder.
Do I deserve what I am getting?

I try to be good. I try to do good. I do my job to the best of my ability. I am a good father. A good friend. I truly care about people.
I dont steal or cheat. I am faithful and honest. I help people. I dont take advantage of the unsuspecting. I am not demanding. I try not to ask too much of my life. My expectations are not over the top. I truly like people unless they .give me reason not to..and usually give more than one chance to make up .for many things that cannot be controlled.

Why am I in the place I have found myself?

I constantly make mistakes and find regret in each mistake.

I hurt people without trying..and never ever what I want.
Karma isnt working with me.. I must have pissed her off too.

Well.. just have to keep working at it.
People in my life matter. I try to let them know this..but often fail.

I have a few projects coming up.. good deeds planned for no other reason than they are appreciated...

I recognize appreciation and gratitude.. and it always makes me smile. Warms my heart..

That is why I am so confused as to why I am where I am.

???

R 3/18/16

posted from Bloggeroid

Respect

I am trying to respect what you ask of me.
It is not what I wish. .. but out of respect I continue.
My fears and reservations are screaming in my ears..but out of respect I ignore them.
It is not easy to do. I hope it is all you needed from me.
I go through my day..staying busy to prevent ...disrespect. I work late and find things to occupy my evenings .. to resist texting or calling.. the withdrawl is not easy..
Back to long days and exhausted nights..to allow sleep..

R 3/16/16

posted from Bloggeroid

Hi

Well.. I am thinking about my present state..
ISTBA has arrived..and has been telling me all about his travels..and how much he has missed making my life hell.

He only stayed away..because he wasnt needed.

But ..the realization..was made known..when..I came home..and fell asleep on the couch..watching tv..before dinner..all alone.
Forced myself to make dinner...and try to keep busy till I could go out and have a few cheap beers.. to be around humans..and not be alone...

Yes..ISTBA... came back.

Welcome.

Just let me drink few beers so I can sleep..
Pass out.. and not feel.. alone..just sleep..
And start the whole week again.. work eat.. drink..pass out.. work
...

ISTBA.. is my friend..and always has been..all my self doubt..all my feelings of loss and lonelyness.. everything I hate..all that is me...
I am a fixer..and I fix and am discarded..
I know this..
It dont make it easy..it still hurts..
I take some happiness in the fact that. .I have helped someone. .no..never me... I cant help me.. that would be wrong.. self serving..selfish.. totally not me.

If I could learn that. .like everyone else... to be all about ME..

Nope..cant go there...
Just don t have it In Me..
:)


Well.. time for sleep..
Alone..and dreamless..
Just me and ISTBA.

It really does..

I am too old for this shit.

:(

R 3/15/16

posted from Bloggeroid

Travel

Travel is my way to clear my head.
Driving helps..but travel does what short trips cannot.
Being able to go..have a destination and return.. helps more than I can describe.
Even a short destination..with a quick turn around. Helps .
The road cures my ills.. fixes my issues..
Granted..some trips do so much more than that..it really depends on where I go..what I do.. and how I leave.
But the driving.. allows me to think..mull over the things in my head.
It clarifies my issues.. of course.. always creates more questions.. but to know the right questions..you will find the right answers..

But also..you find clarity..peace..

I have time to listen to all the little voices..and really hear what advice is there.

I know..the time I disappear. .will be on one of those trips.. where I was supposed to come back..and I decide to take that other road..and leave it all behind.

I saw a post tonight..of my brother..showing a picture and mentioning how family is important and such.. I was not in it..
Not sure why.. but I know where I stand.

I miss the important people in my life.
The ones that are important to me..
My importance to them is missed also..but not apparent.
I know someone somewhere feels I was important to them..
But I cant keep hoping they will remember/realize..
I have that familiar feeling of being discarded. .

Yes, I know I mattered..but..it is hard to see..feel..the result..I feel like that favorite teddy bear..that has been out grown..and sits on the shelf.. every now and then..is remembered...but still sits here on the shelf..a reminder of when you were weak as a child..and now not needed ..because that is a step back..and you are better now..and dont need that support..you have grown out of..

I know its more than that..but sometimes that is felt.

I am stuck between that.. step back..let it go and grow..
And feeling replaced..

I want to shout..
I want to grab hold..
But fear the pulling away.. the let me go, yank.
The loss.

It happens.

It really is tough..a fine line to walk.
I have that issue of fearing being forgotten..
Fearing..that my respect..turns into the appearance of seperation..change of attitude..

I am. I feel I need to be what I am now.
Not what I want..not what I was.
I dont really know what to do.
( I never ever know)

I am where I always am.. unsure..confused..wondering..

Never any answers..
More questions..
Much doubt..

I have always been a 'matter of fact' person..
Tell me what you want..I can (almost always) do it.

Damn..

R 3/14/16

posted from Bloggeroid

Late... Not!!

This past week..has made me wonder about a lot..

I have been told I am .. me..

I have felt isolated. .

I have not felt needed..

I have felt replaceable.

I have felt useless.

I have felt lost.

No sense of belonging.. alone..

I have been there a lot..

I do not like it.. hate it..but not a stranger.....

I am of that age..and time sucks..and I have seen it over and over..
And as I said..just last night... "I am alone".

Hello... I am here.

Well...
I cannot explain it..and so far.. no one I know has the key..
I was better off with my last .. the one who lied to me from the start..but the lie lasted for 17 years..

I was reasonably happy..and had a reason to try to be more.. and I did....even if it wasnt ever going to make a difference..

At least I wasnt an asshole..and a cheat.. I was faithful..and did what I knew I should.. but here I am..

Just me.. alone....

R 3/8/16

posted from Bloggeroid

Explain

I have always wondered when something changes..why.
Sometimes I get an explanation..and it allows me to move on..to understand...to work through it.
Many times it is never defined. The questions go unanswered.
And the frustration bothers me.

Things like old age and death, are part of our experience.
Although unfair, understandable. Even sickness.. Prepares you..there is no need for an explanation. There is pain and sorrow associated with its understanding..but you can see why.

When someone is removed from your life..
In any form.. There is pain and sorrow and confusion without understanding.. No explanation.. Your mind cannot figure out why the loss is yours to endure. You have no reason.. Nothing to stop the questions.

I have lost many and most have given me, in one way or the other, the reason. So i understand. I let go.
Not forgotten..no never forgotten. Still loved, still in my heart, still in my memories.

As for the ones that never gave me the reasons..
Maybe they never knew why I didn't belong any more..
I want to know what pill they took that changed them..
What voice they heard..that told them to pull away..
What realization of changes that caused the departure from where we were..
Many have done this to me..
If i had the information, I could learn to accept it..
It isn't magic...when it's a decision made..
Somewhere there has to be a point that caused that decision.

It wasn't obvious to me, the change happened until it was done.
Someone once told me that once the decision has been revealed..its far too late to for you..the decision was made long before you were told..and now there is no going back .

As has happened over and over.. The changes.. No explanation..

That is what disturbs me..
The question of what I did or didnt do.. What other influence acted apon the decision.  What change in mindset..

This is really puzzling to someone that needs to know the reasons to allow freedom of my mind.

That is what hurts.  No explanation.

Surely,if you don't even know..maybe you should be asking that of yourself.

R 3/6/16. 12:30p

This is different..

Usually I post from my phone..
This time I am home on my computer.

It has been one of those weeks..too long, many disappointments, few accomplishments.

I take joy in what I can. Accept the rest.
(maybe I should say endure the rest...)

I don't really have much to complain about, most of my issues are self made.
With a little work, they can be fixed or forgotten..I allow myself the indulgence of feeling, trying to belong, and accept the pains that come with it.

It has been so long since I have had family to rely on, I usually don't even consider it. I have painted myself in this corner and am just waiting for the paint to dry. I don't want to walk away through the wet paint, it will leave tracks...

I think I understand (which usually means I have no clue as to the reality of it all) why I am where I am, why I cannot attempt to go back a few months to how happy I was. But as always, I knew what was, and would be, and have to figure out what I am supposed to do about it. 
I don't know how much to let go, as always I fear being replaced and forgotten, or worse, fear being thought that I don't care anymore.. when all I am doing is what I think I should..because I don't know..I don't think anyone knows..

It doesn't hurt to be included .. only excluded. I cannot freeze my warm heart, and just walk away.
I think I was what was needed for a time, and didn't see the changes that showed me I had outlived my usefulness.  I feel I am easily replaced and forgotten.  That is nothing new, it always happens.
Sure, I have my place in the past, and I have said before...

'I have always been there for you, and probably always will, you may never see me again, or talk to me again.  

That is on you, I have always been who I am today, and if you really took the time to know me, you would realize that. I cannot dwell on those of you that chose to move on, and may or may not regret it..

I remain, the will that I was when you first met the real me... '

Those words were written a while ago, and shared with many, and most never knew it was for them..some did.. some probably wouldn't care..

Maybe I have it all wrong, and it is just too difficult for others to continue as it was, too many outside issues or internal issues that prevent you from letting me be anything more that what I am now, I was more..but now I am not. It may be just too much.  I was told once that someone had to stop seeing me, because she would fall in love with me.. and she wasn't in that place in her life to allow that... she had much else to do before being in love.. It pained me to walk away, but I did.. It probably would not have worked.. I will never know.

It is difficult to stand in the shadows.. just behind the curtain.. because that spotlight made me glow, shine if you will. I was able to share my light, because you made me bright.

Sorry..

This is how I am feeling.. this is why this blog is here.. I cannot tell you (if you read this ..I guess I have) how I am feeling, because it will hurt you, never my intention, but I have to get this out.. so I can smile and look happy.

I know, and I knew.. it is just hard to be excluded..
I just deleted another 6500 texts from my phone.. the last delete was over 8000.. really not easy..
I did that to prove to myself, that the contact has slowed down, and if I am correct. I should not push it.

That 'Time" thing will make the "Distance" what it really is.

... running out of steam.. I guess I am done for now.

R 3/4/2016  9:43p

Not doing so well

Really.
I am trying to not be a pain in the ass.
I am trying to respect the fact that you or I dont want to pull away..I dont want to lose what we have. But out of respect I have seriously been trying to limit my contact.
You asked me to..so I am seriously trying.
It is not easy..
I am sure at some point you will think I have lost interest ...
Of course .. that fear Is in my head..and I fight it down.. and then lose the battle and text or send a smile..or comment or share one of your posts..just to let you know I am still here..
I fear being forgotten..or that you think I dont care anymore..
It is a real possibility..
It sucks to be in that frame of mind ..because I feel I am appearing desperate..creepy.. a loser... it is a feeling I know.. I know too well..
(This is a post I should delete)
My self doubt is very real..and past history has not made it any easier..
I am who I am..
I know me..most do not.
I cannot express how difficult this is.
I cannot walk away..
But I know I must give space..

You cannot know how many times I have canceled plane reservations..or un-justified a few days road trip..just for a long hug and a goodbye..till next time.. more than a few..
I know it would be wrong.

Sorry for the pressure..it is in my head..and I fear ..
It isnt known..

Too insecure.. doubt creeps in.. and then life..

I guess I should stop..I don't want you to feel bad.. it is just me being me.

R 3/1/16

posted from Bloggeroid