And it continues..

Long day..primarily because I went into work at 1am..to get a piece of equipment upgraded.. then up early to do the whole thing again.
Today was nice out..so later in the day..I worked outside..dug some holes to run cable..and drilled throught the outside wall..I need to run wiring tomorrow. More for the fence ..

I am..in that place.. all I have is work.. I can do that each day..and weekends are work around the house.. chores. . Need to sort the rest of my head.. I have to stop..dragging my feet..I need to make the decision and make it a reality..I am going no where fast.. just spinning my wheels hoping someone notices..
Trying not to make any career ending mistakes..

I have been doing this for a while..and I know what needs to be done and I can keep doing it.. I have no one to impress.. just myself..
But.. I was hoping it would matter.. but in reality..I don't think it does..not to anyone important..
So I have to be satisfied with personal satisfaction.
And look for any new opportunity.

My personal life..is in that rut.. work is more important..it has a better satisfaction result.
I have been going out everynight..almost.. much to the draining of my funds.. but.. I cant sleep if I stay home..
I am not in a comfortable place..I make myself find a reason not to be home. I have been looking for many excuses to not be home unless I am sleeping. .or trying to sleep.
The few I used to chat with to stay sane..are too busy for me.
Life takes over..for me and them..which is why..I am here..bloging in my usual place...the usual way.

Yet.. I feel stuck.. I am not..
But..'i am not pretty ... amazing.. enough..'
I have never qualified..
Maybe for minutes.. but not beyond that..

I have felt that so many times..

Yet here I am.. at this age. . Wondering If I can.. knowing. .I will always be the 'me'.. I am..

That is..an absolut.. (proper spelling..for all the obvious reasons).

Hey! We all are aging each minute.. if we need someone. .we need to pick now... it isn't gonna get easier if we wait.

Yes..our mistakes..our decisions..the things we have had to endure..the things we did not expect.. but happened anyway..
The things we had no control over.. defines us. Here we are...

Still here.. in the place we made for us...
Yes.. we made this.. we could have adjusted it..
But our comfort zone. .was easy.

It makes us safe..not desperate. .not lonely. ..

No.. I am not lonely. .really.. I am alone...but not lonely. ....

Yes! I am..
Not by my choice.. I just chose the wrong person..to help me be happy.

I make my own happy. .

Well I should. ..
I should be able ..

But ... I am me..... I know nothing... never did.

I wall myself into a lonely place. ..and wonder why I am so alone...
Why no one wants me in their lives ...

I must stop here...
goodnight.
R 10/18/17

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