Hello??

It is that moment.. what am I doing??
Why am I doing it?
Do I have a goal? A target?
I like to think I do.. I don't prove it daily.. at least not visually noticable..if you ask..I will say.. but..I don't devulge important details while I am working on them.
Truly a work in progress..
With no drop dead dates.. it becomes a moving target.. if this goes the way I want..it will happen faster..if not.. I will work a different angle and it may takema bit longer..I have not hit that..'plan and do it now' stage..I am close..
This month..is proof..
Get it done.. then the next thing.. look for the next task..find the door.
But ..be let out , not pushed out.
Unless I am ready to walk away and start over..I need to be careful..and plan..
I am not afraid to start over..but it is much better to not have to.
It will be a bit easier..and I am hoping for easier..

I want to be happier. .I want to have time for me and mine..
I work hard..and deserve something that feels like a reward..

Plans can change.. but the master plan is still what I am aiming toward.

A happy family.. as small as it has become.. a good job with the ability to appease my requirements ..keep me busy and challenged..
Allow me to take what I have earned.. and be able to use it. Without remorse..
Be able to enjoy my life.. instead of just working..to pay bills.

I know a large task list..but I have worked hard..and will continue to work hard..but I know.. there is more to this life than work.

It should be a 'life'..

I still would love to find my 'three'..all in the same place.

Hello.. is there anyone out there??

R 10/25/17

posted from Bloggeroid

The reality..

Of all..
I have many hopes and dreams..
I have had many mis-takes..
I have started down long roads..hoping for a grand destination..only to find.. a dead end..I have to turn around..backtrack..and start over.
I do..I don't give up..
I haven't yet...
Some of those roads took months.. some years..some a decade or two.
But I still keep trying to find my destination.. my place..

I know I am not alone.. some of us have traveled the long road..and found detours.. or dead ends.. some I know have found forks in tbe road and realized they chose the wrong one.. and are doubling back..or slammed into a wall of realization that..even though they thought they were in the right place..they were not.
Some got stuck in the mud..and had to fight their way out..to get back on the road.. and kept going.. some turned around..
There are others..other travelers on the road.. some are nice to have along for a while..some only stay a brief time before heading off in a different direction..leaving us to continue alone.. for a time.
These roads are not always lonely..
Some times they are full of others..
Some to suggest other paths..some just to hang for a while.. and then go their own way..
Some you think are here for the long run. Yet, leave..not always on their own..not always because they want to..some just do, with no explanation..not one you understand.
I have made mistakes.. made poor judgements. . Chose the wrong companion.. thought I found the one for the long haul..just to find I was only a taxi that brings them to where they get out and dont look back as they walk away.
Such is the reality..
I am at this time. I have worked hard to get here..
But.. finding yourself blasting forward with no true dsstination..is not really going anywhere.. it appears that you are headed to something. But your not.
Fine.. we all can find some way to look busy..we work..make bills pay bills.. and work more.. no one need to know we are just going through the motions of day to day.. hoping to find meaning to our travels...
Yes.. I know it is possible to enjoy running.. and exploring..and backtracking..just to keep going.. not looking for an end..some find that challenge exciting.. no real responsibity for long..a little here and there.. and back to rolling on..
That is a rare breed..
They make good friends.. they can breathe life into a bored soul.. lessons can be learned. But that rolling stone.. will pass you buy..the first time you pause..

So here I am.. on this road.. I can see the dead end coming.. I know I will need to turn around as soon as the road is wide enough and allows it..I have seen the turn... back a way.. I should try that..
It seems familliar. . It could be interesting..

This is my brain.
This is how I decypher the scrambled thoughts.. I try to rationalize..
And understand.
Sometimes it works..sometime it confuses me more..
I am sure..you the reader experience the same..

I offer a window into me..
One I have to look into as well because sometimes I do not know the things I write.. till after I have read them.

That.. is the reality...

R 10/24/17

posted from Bloggeroid

Calm before..

So.. here I go..
Today went surprisingly well.
I snuck out early for lunch..went to the chiropractor. ..
Chatted with my favorite person.. had a quick lunch and worked an hour late. Got a few tasks done..ordred some stuff. Fixed an account and scheduled a task... I think I am going to complete a few timely tasks.. early.. big pat on the back to me from me...
Missions.. accomplished..
Not that anyone else will notice..
Tu..tooo..
(Blowing my own horn)
:)

Yet.. here I am.

The Dr. Did not fix..me.. yet.. I need to plan another visit.. maybe Thursday. .. . I have not been available..to get adjusted for about 4 years.money or time.. but it has become a need... had to be done.

I have a few irons in the fire.. I need to strike that iron while it is hot..and mold it to what I need..for me.. I could make my life so different..I could fix some of the holes I need to bridge..
If not a destination. ..but a place to be..a place to move on from.

I spoke with a friend in a similar place..and we could relieve a lot of eachothers stresses...by working together.. toward individual peace. We could help eachother find a common place.. that.. there is more smiles than frowns.. our progeny could find commonality to help eachother become whole.. or at least..find differences to realize the need to be close.
Taking the burden of parenting..and turning it into friendship that becomes common ..

One can hope.

None of this could happen..
But... I have thought about it..
It could be a nice thing....

But.. all in all.. I expect a boot in the butt...
A snicker..and you deserved that.

Happy endings.. are not for me..

I just will try..
I am not done..
I know I can make someone smile..
It always makes me smile..grin if you will...
When I can help someone i know smile.
I smile.

It really makes me happy.

What next ?

Help me.. I know.. I have things to do.. I must..and will.
It will make the difference.
....
I don't really need a push...
I just need to know.. now is the time..
I have calculated it...

It fits..
Everything is ligning up..

I ..
Need to stop.. trying to figure out what I already know. ..

And do something.

Ok...
That is all for now..

Reread.this and know.

R 10/24/17

posted from Bloggeroid

Spinning away from me

I am..getting dizzy.

So much going on..very little is positive.

I can do my job.. even when I am restricted.. I can figure out a way to get it done.

Not that anyone notices.. I do..I know the struggles..
If it gets done. .I feel good.
Some things take time..some dont..but I get it done.
It is expected..so nothing is noted.. only if it isn't done..
I try to schedule my day.. not that it follows that schedule. .but if I come close..I am happy.

Me..
Just me.. as always.. a tiny circle of friends.. that seems to shrink..
I know people are tired of hearing me rant..
Really if I was complaining..you would know it..
Most of my rants are me.. actual frustrations of my day to day.

Oh, I can be that 'old guy'..that complains about everything.
Mostly justified..but.. I try not to do that.

Yes..I am lonely and unfufilled.. I am in a place I do not need to be anymore.. and I should make the effort to leave.. but I need to for the right reasons..
Reasons with result.

The results..always escape me.. I end up with nothing..

I end up..settling..and not that I am unhappy..I am just not satisfied..
Just punching the clock.. putting in time.. going through the motions.. appearing to be happy.

Don't get me wrong..
I appreciate friendship. .and a place to go..a place I am welcome..
I appreciate effort to make smiles. .

But seriously.... you can only lead the horse to water.. it is up to the horse if it wants to drink...

Physically. .I see the truth.. it just isn't there.. I am floating..buying time.. .making do.

So here I am..4th day.. sitting here..waiting for my pizza...
Then home to clutch my pillow... and start my Friday..
Pay my bills..

Maybe play some pool tomorrow night. .and figure out which bills to pay and do my chores...

I need a long drive..

R 10/19/17

posted from Bloggeroid

Oh yeah. ..one of those days..

It started well enough.. but slowly deteriorated. .into crap.
My assistant tells me his Doctor suggested he find a new job because this one is killing him.
He was stressing and was ticked off. I just listened. .and went out side to finish up a task and ended up taking a late lunch..then left at 5:30 to meet my daughter for dinner.
I will not be surprised if he takes tomorrow off.. especially because I have a task I have to do...that I need help for..that will double in cost if it takes another day..
I will do what I can..if I must..

I think I will tell him I have decided to pull him off the on call schedule.. until further notice. Take that stress off him..
Naturally..that means I am taking it.. 24/7..
But there is no other way.
If he quits.. I will be doing it anyway.

That will push me further into a work work work and work mode..
I wont make any more money..but I wont be spending more.. I may have to stop going out..and just buy a bottle for the freezer..and stay home. It would in the end save me money.... so bonus!..

It will make the cat happier..if I am home all the time..
I should work on the stuff at home .. and try to sleep more..
Maybe I would be better too.

I have developed these routines..of sleep..work..home..bar..sleep..
And just not getting anything done..especially personally. .
I just seem to be working..as much as I can.
I have radios to fix..and I am taking too long to do them.
I want to fix and paint and renovate..clean my home..
I have the garage..the El Camino.. the shed.. to clean..fix..clean..etc...

But when I am home..it isn't what I want to do.

I guess..I am stressed ..and have no outlet..no relief..
I don't get much that brightens my day..
Task completion at work..is all I have. ..
Kinda empty.. no real smiles involved..
Just tick that off the list.. and go on to the next..
There always is a next..

Stress.

Doubt.

Fail.

Not a lot of positives come to mind.
Im still paying my bills.. and getting up every day..sometimes roughly..but I get up and do what I need to do.

I am in that space.
The one I really don't like.. lost and by myself.. tired..
Looking for any reason to do the next thing.
Just need to know how...

I think the directions are in a foreign language. .. and the pictures are inside out...

R 10/18/17

posted from Bloggeroid

And it continues..

Long day..primarily because I went into work at 1am..to get a piece of equipment upgraded.. then up early to do the whole thing again.
Today was nice out..so later in the day..I worked outside..dug some holes to run cable..and drilled throught the outside wall..I need to run wiring tomorrow. More for the fence ..

I am..in that place.. all I have is work.. I can do that each day..and weekends are work around the house.. chores. . Need to sort the rest of my head.. I have to stop..dragging my feet..I need to make the decision and make it a reality..I am going no where fast.. just spinning my wheels hoping someone notices..
Trying not to make any career ending mistakes..

I have been doing this for a while..and I know what needs to be done and I can keep doing it.. I have no one to impress.. just myself..
But.. I was hoping it would matter.. but in reality..I don't think it does..not to anyone important..
So I have to be satisfied with personal satisfaction.
And look for any new opportunity.

My personal life..is in that rut.. work is more important..it has a better satisfaction result.
I have been going out everynight..almost.. much to the draining of my funds.. but.. I cant sleep if I stay home..
I am not in a comfortable place..I make myself find a reason not to be home. I have been looking for many excuses to not be home unless I am sleeping. .or trying to sleep.
The few I used to chat with to stay sane..are too busy for me.
Life takes over..for me and them..which is why..I am here..bloging in my usual place...the usual way.

Yet.. I feel stuck.. I am not..
But..'i am not pretty ... amazing.. enough..'
I have never qualified..
Maybe for minutes.. but not beyond that..

I have felt that so many times..

Yet here I am.. at this age. . Wondering If I can.. knowing. .I will always be the 'me'.. I am..

That is..an absolut.. (proper spelling..for all the obvious reasons).

Hey! We all are aging each minute.. if we need someone. .we need to pick now... it isn't gonna get easier if we wait.

Yes..our mistakes..our decisions..the things we have had to endure..the things we did not expect.. but happened anyway..
The things we had no control over.. defines us. Here we are...

Still here.. in the place we made for us...
Yes.. we made this.. we could have adjusted it..
But our comfort zone. .was easy.

It makes us safe..not desperate. .not lonely. ..

No.. I am not lonely. .really.. I am alone...but not lonely. ....

Yes! I am..
Not by my choice.. I just chose the wrong person..to help me be happy.

I make my own happy. .

Well I should. ..
I should be able ..

But ... I am me..... I know nothing... never did.

I wall myself into a lonely place. ..and wonder why I am so alone...
Why no one wants me in their lives ...

I must stop here...
goodnight.
R 10/18/17

posted from Bloggeroid

Long weekend. .

I worked..Saturday. .after squeezing in chores..then dinner..and too many drinks.. someone that insisted on buying me a shot.. which I refused. .and he convinced the bartender to add a shot to my drink.. and it all went down well...but morning required a much more sleep..

Unfortunately..after a work call..early..then a call I should have taken..but was not coherent enough.
Lack of sleep and too much ..drink..
I slept till 9..and got my chores done..and went into work .. manual labor..and.I was toast.

I hope I did not offend or short..
My friend..I was just not ready for conversation. .

I am..finishing a mini tour..and have to go into work again..for an hour..and try to sleep and start all over in 7 hours. To put in yet another 10 hr day..

I saw an opening for a second in Middle NY.. snow zone... I will invesitgate..

I looked at cost of living differences. .a couple grand increase to survive.. easy to do.. I just need to.. follow through.

Or...just be alone and miserable.. here.

'I am NOT stuck here'!

I hope.....

R

posted from Bloggeroid

And more work..

I did quite a bit today.. pulled cables and ran new ones..just to find I have the wrong size cable .. so I had to pull it out and ru. In new ones and reterminate the ends. Then after finishing that.. it appears I am missing some hardware to connect it to.. I have to make a phone call tomorrow. I may need to spend a few hours on Saturday..a few things I cant do till no one is there...

So all that has made for another long day.. 12+hrs.. home by 8:30.
Time to make dinner.. clean up..

Tomorrow I have some things to get started..and some to finish.
Being busy is good.. it makes the day go fast..especially if I am getting things done.

The past few days.. the cold..snow..warm and windy..mean..I have yardwork to do.. lots of leaves.. I should plan to get some of that cleaned up this weekend.. I need to clean my house.. I need to finish a couple radio repairs..
I need time.. and ambition.
Lots of ambition!!

Somewhere..in the back of my head..I know I need to find a place for me.. a place where I am focused on me.
I dont deserve any special consideration..but I think I need to ..for my sanity.. so I don't turn into that grumpy grey haired guy.. I wont say..old.. but I know it is said..

I have tried to find someone my age or older.. but.. no one fits.
I get along ..or can .. with anyone.. I can acclimate. . I know older and newer..I have preferences..but they are not requirements..
But being so flexible..is .. apparently.. undesired..one of my flaws.
I just don't connect well with my age .. I can settle in.. and find things in common.. but I have never been one to try so hard to be where I should not..
I have always connected with others either older or younger than me. I started school a couple years early..so I was always the youngest and smallest....I learned to connect with older kids..
I was raised in an informative environment. . I learned any thing I needed ..wanted..to know..it was encouraged.. and I devoured the information..I enjoyed learning..and knowing things..
Yet..
Here I am..at this time in my life.. in this situation.
This place.. were I find myself..
A....
L....
F.........

Hey! Look..a new acronym..
ALF.

If you have read any of my posts..you can figure it out..
A running theme..
My life.
Just me.

The me I know...

I guess..I should work.. on me..
There are many negatives. .to the person I am.
There must be..otherwise why am I here..in this place..where I have lived for so long...
By my self..
(Yes..that means..alone.)

.
Before i go down a depressing rant road..
.
I have been here for so long..
I wonder if I should go back..and settle..
I know I can make it work.. fake a smile.. and enjoy the benefits. ..
I would not have to do much.. I have done less for 20 yrs..blamed myself..countless times..I could learn to be satisfied with the physical. .. and forget about any mental connection. .
Just smile..
It is not much different than living a lie for 20 yrs..
It would be less self blame. If I knew in advance. ...

Maybe not.

I am still screwed. ...

I am..still me...
The me..nobody.wants...
At least..not all the time...

R
10/13/17

posted from Bloggeroid

Dealing with work.

This has been a weird week. I have been going in early and staying late.. my second decided to take his vacation this week.
No reason stated..just asked for the rest of the week off.
I have a task that has been given me..and I feel I won't get it done in the proper time.. so i am staying late to figure it out.
I have equipment to install....get configured..make work..I have a limited drawing to follow.. this connects to that..then this other..but I have to design how it all goes in. I have to fit in to how we have everything else..
There are new style connectors.. new tools to install them..and I found a broken blade in the stripping tool.
I already ruined 2 of the special connectors..
I spent 2 hours rerouting cables and making new ones.. I have found other problems..that need to be corrected..before I start adding to it.
Without my second. .I have no one to help figure out the right way to wire this up..no one to help figure out what is already there to reuse ..it's all on me.
This is just getting it assembled.. the actual programming and configuration comes next.
All that and the regular day to day stuff that needs attention...that pulls me away..still needs to be done.

I wonder if I am being tested to see if I can do this all by myself..
Or if plans to find another job.. since he is always thinking he is about to be fired.. not by me..by those above me.

No matter..I have to get this done..
As well as some other important tasks that will be problems if the weather turns..

The tasks have not let up.. one then the next and another that has to be done in the next 5 hours.. which requires research to complete..time I do not have..
Tomorrow I will ring out cables to find out if they go where I need them to.. and maybe try configuring the circuit cards..and get some components programmed..
Work..work..work..

All that means..is today was a 12 hour day..yesterday was a 13 hour day.. the day before also a 12 hour day with no lunch..
All that and no overtime.
That means late dinner..and no time to do much at home..cook and dishes.. fun.

So here I am.. working towards a mini tour tee shirt..
I need to destress for a minute...so I can go home to my bed and try to sleep..to get up and do it again..

I have been told..there will be no pay increases this year..
So I have that to look forward to. . I need to find out when I can take the rest of my vacation time..if I can figure out what I am gonna do..
Maybe early November. .or December.. maybe just stay home and clean and renovate.

Me.. really don't exist at this point..I remember to pay my bills before they are late.. get up for work each day..and cook dinner.
And get some sleep to do it again.

I did find a minute to ask if the position in Connecticut is still open..
Yes it is.. but I didn't get any more info..no questions.. so I didnt say anymore.. I was hoping for.. do you know someone interested...
And I could go from there.. or even..its an issue..this is why..
But nothing. So I will need to look for another way to apply..

Just more of the same..

Work..work..
Still .

R 10/12/17

posted from Bloggeroid

I am fortunate.

Please do not get me wrong...
I know I am extremely fortunate...
I have a job..a home..a child. I get up every day and do what I must to live as comfortably as I can.
I provide for my child..I eat well.
I work for all I have.
Nothing is handed to me..
I am not rich..but I am not without bills and debt.
I made them..I work to pay them..
I do not expect anyone else to pay them..
I have never had to file bankruptcy. .
But..I complain that after all these years..all the effort I have put into this life I live.. I struggle with the simple things that everyone is capable of having.

I have lost loved ones..parents.. family.. it is how life is..
Many times sad..unfortunate..and painful.
I have not lost a love.. that is one pain I do not have to carry..
I know many that have..my heart bleeds for them..

Seperation and death are things I handle differently than most people. ...I was taught many years ago about death and how to handle it.. as I have said before..my perspective is based on my beliefs and from most people is different..
So my outward reaction is not as it seems .. but I know the pain..
I have lost both my parents and many close relatives in the past few years.. I am not that young anymore..
Unfortunately at this stage..time takes more away than it gives..
I have experienced loss of close friends..and some are much younger than I.. gone too soon..gone before their time..leaving behind children..parents..wives..people that now have a hole in their life..one that can never be filled. ..or replaced..
I know most give a brave face to the world.. through each days pain..and loss.
Yes..you have to go on..there is nothing you can do to change the events..you have to see what you have..and make tomorrow better than today.
I know that you must go on..
I miss my parents..and aunts and cousins..and friends.. but..our life goes on..and so must we..
They would want us to.
They would.

We must find ourselves and live our life..each day .. to honor their memory.. they would not want us to give up.. we need to learn from the experiences we shared..and continue..

I know I am fortunate to only have lived this long with out a major tragedy in my life.. yes..the unexpected has happened to people I know and love..but not to me personally. .it does not mean I don't know that pain.
I have been close to those that have..always wishing I could ease that pain..

Yes.. I know.

Sometimes..I have to remember..through all my lonelyness..and minor grief.. it could be much worse..

So..if you are a follower of my rants..
I know I am fortunate..

But ..pain..is pain..
We all have it in varying degrees..
And right now.. the right now..is where it hurts the most.

Hugs to those that will accept them..

One thing to remember. .when you give a hug.. you get one too.
When you get a hug..you give one too.

R10/11/17

posted from Bloggeroid

I had a topic..and forgot.

I guess my brain is tired.
It was a long busy Monday.
It started before I got to work..and was all day.
I was able to get lots done...but not all... more for tomorrow. . Job security..I guess.. if not the road to burn out..we are getting close to the holiday season..that severely cramps any away time for me..
Either I can't get away..or I have no where to go...or no where I can go.. I have to make some time to do my research.. and get some info. Make plans..
Nothing is going on here..just work..and bills.. if I can find work..the bills will follow..
I did something stupid..and got hacked.. so far no bad results..also I found out my info is possibly compromised at experian.. nothing yet..but one more thing to worry about..
The last thing I need is College hackers buying macbooks with my account.. yep..happened today.. plus 500+ emails..about all the subscriptions they signed me up for..and websites they opened..
And hidden among the 500+ notices was a ' congratulations your MacBook is on its way... then a phone call to verify I made that order.. phew... no..not me..bastards! Get a job..and quit taking advantage...
Yes..I changed several passwords..and checked my credit card activity. .checked my credit report..
If I did not work so hard for every penny I earn.. maybe I would not be so upset.. but I m not in a position to throw money away..
I know too few people that are..I am sure there are some..just not anyone I know.

Yet..tomorrow will be another day..and I will get up and do it all again. Because I have to...

Things to do..
I have to pick one and get it done so I can do the next..
From the smallest thing to the big..
They all need to be done eventually...


I understand.
I get it..get you..

I say that a lot..
I do not think anyone hears me..
I would not say it if I didnt believe it.
I may be wrong..or way off... but I doubt it.

I tried to explain to someone. .that out of many (or few) I understand and get what is their situation..
I have experience ..good., bad..and ugly..
I have old connections to where they are in relation to where I am..
Where they are...
A renewed connection..
I understand and respect it.
I have proved that..

I want to help..it matters to me.
On all levels.

But I am just me.. a guy.. one who appreciates friends.. looks for those that understands tourtured souls..
Allows those that can help..to help..if only because. . It helps them to help you..and everyone wins..

I have been hurt by the best.. or worst..if you will.. I know that pain..
Some ..if I think about it..still hurts.. a lot..
Those I don't think about..or I try not..
I see it as a lesson learned. . Yet it still hurts..

Sometimes I see similarities. .in new relationships. . And shudder...
And remind myself.. they are not 'that' one..or one like them..they are not targeting me..as the next victim..notch.. sucker..

It is hard to give in..but I always do.. and it has to play out..
And only then will I know..

Usually.. I have been duped..used..or mislead.
So..time to recover..

Who does that??? Deliberately misleads.. hides the truth.. looks for the vulnerable? ? Exploits a person that cares...

Ouch!!

I have been there.

Kinda still there..
I have not been allowed to love 'the one' that makes me..whole.
I started later than most..but totally lost my way..and perspective..

Often..the wrong one..
Never the one I need..
Always settling. . Never truly the one..
Always the wrong time and place.

So.. I am used to it....

Always alone..always chasing what I cannot have..never what I want...or need.
Never what they think they can have..even though..I prove..it ..time and again..

Yet.. everyone is alone.

Ugh!

Settling hurts the soul.

R. 10/9/17

posted from Bloggeroid

Busy..

Usually I am busy or try to be busy. I like to get things done.
Most of the people I know are this way.
When you have so much to get done..it can be overwhelming. .it can also energize you.. I try to get and stay energized. . But I have days that I just cannot seem to get anything done.
It is just one thing and another and another.. I never seem to finish one..
Today was a long day.. I did finally get a few things started and a couple things done .. there were the usual stone walls..and challenges.. popup tasks to take me away from the one I was on..but I stayed late and kept at it.
Of course as I was leaving..I found 2 more things to do..that could not wait. And another that will till tomorrow.
I have plans to get something done tomorrow morning..
We will see if I am successful. . Or if the weather or some other thing prevents it..

Other than that.. my non work stuff is being ignored.. I need to fix a couple things. I need to clean ..I need to sort..
I should rearrange.. a few things.. my house..my room..my garage..my life.

I am not getting any of that done. My incentive and ambition is just not there.. I need help finding motivation.
The rest is wearing me out..so when I should be destressing. .and working on me and my stuff..I dont.

I am grateful for the connections I have.. the ones that find me..and allow me to be a part of their lives.. it gives me the warm fuzzy. . That lets me see I am not just doing an endless day to day..with no results.. I would be lost without them.. I hope they know this.. I hope I show them how much I appreciate that they allow me into their circle.

Thank you!

I know I do everything I can do for those I know. Those that know me.. they do so much for me..this lonely guy..
I moved out here away from all I find comfortable. .and I made it work.. for a long time. But now here I am.. hoping for an opportunity to make a change.. it is what I need.. I just need to not too busy to ask the right person and see what they say...see if they think I should even try..if not..it is time to make serious changes..
Or not.. I could just keep on til they dont need me any longer..

I have the bridge and box already picked out..

Just to busy for that right now..

What is next??
I guess I will see what comes across my desk..or what request takes priority..
I sometimes get to decide the importance of the request.. if it is important to me. .
And I can decide if I feel it is a priority to me...
This is true in my personal struggle as well.

I have found..sometimes I have no choice..the person or situation is already defined as a priority in my life..and I must make it happen.
I will.
I am never too busy for the ones that are an established priority in my life.

All I can ask..is do not be too busy for me..

That is fair right??

R 10/6/17

posted from Bloggeroid

October.

Here I am.
The world is crazy. My life is what it is.
People are killing innocents.. people are dying.
The weather seems to be more extreme..although..I really think it is about average.. the coverage is better. So we hear and see it much more graphically..realtime . Scary. .
Random.
Yet.. here I am.. doing the day to day.. trying to find little things to give me a smile.
Sometimes I get lucky..find contact.. my friend reaching out.. we talk..sometimes just vent..sometimes just about the weather..but always brings a smile to me..always makes me feel good.
Yet.. my life is as it has been.. I have been busy and tired. Still universally lonely... but busy for a reason.. to not notice the lonely..
A person can ignore it for a long time.. successfully..some what..
I get up every day.. think about ... and look at my phone..look to see if I got an answer... think about a reply..but go on with my routine..to move into my day..i have to not be ... so needy.. not be dependent..yet I know.. I need those that make me happy...allow me to find happiness.. even if it is internal to me.

Yes..I heard what was said... lets move to ..
I would love it.. just as a friend.. someone to be around..be with.
Sometimes a real friend can surpass all relationships.
More is always better..but..an everyday friend..a..
Person you can be real with anytime. . All the time.. is just as important as any lover.. it is love.
Someone you know.. really know.. someone you are comfortable around and enjoy being with..someone you trust..
No walls..no apperances to uphold.. just us.

I miss it.

Yet..here I am..
Looking for a reason..
A trigger..
An invitation.

Too much to ask..

So... here I am.. in October.. with the rest of the year to survive..
So much in the next few months.. I know I wont be allowed to be.
I can only offer support.. and friendship.
If .

Yet..its.. October..
Here I am.
Just me.

R 10/4/17

posted from Bloggeroid