Hello 2017.

So nothing has changed since last week.
Not in any place.
Still me.
Still the same.
Situation is the same.
Less and less contact from anyone.
So on I march I to the new year.
As always.

Just me.

I took a drive on my day off.. by myself.
Just drove and drove to see where the road goes.
Went further than last times.. saw things I didnt know were there.
A ride exploration..for future ride to show someone who has never seen those mountains. I would like to see them in spring or summer or fall.. lots to see again.
Of course I need to see what is on the other side.. if there is a way to get through.
Next time.

I am thinking on investigating cashing in my equity.. pay off all the stress. Then put the new year on track.
Get out from under the pressures.
Maybe plan for other options.

I need to remake my life. Remove any obstacles.
Get free. Stop burying myself in debt. Stop finding excuses to be in this place.

To respond to the text I just got while posting this...
'Because I don't believe you'...

This is a new year.. most people make resolutions to improve their lives. .decisions, plans, to move in new directions.
I do not have a plan.
I do not know what is next.
I don't know what direction I should head.
I need changes. I need to fix this. Fill in the rut. Escape.

Now I am explaining why I am not chasing.
No reason. No future. Lots of heartache.
Not rules. Not regulations.
Real life.
Avoiding the pain.

So no different here in 2017.

No prospects. Nothing to aim for.
No interest.

Blah.

I need to figure out a few things.
Work out some details.
Then think about what to do next.
Work is stuck in it's limbo.
Got to keep moving.
Make many changes and move away from this place I am living in.
Right now it seems aimless because all this is to fix where I am. I have never been the central point of my life. I have always worked to help others and my situation was secondary and I got pleasure and joy from helping to fix someone or something else...never from fixing me. I really dont know how.
Anyone who benefited from my advice or help never knew the satisfaction I got from helping them.
Not that they should.
But after I am discarded. I have the satisfaction of knowing I helped and mattered.. but that is all.
Just memories.
I have done this my entire life. It is always the same.
I should not be surprized, but everytime, I am.
Everytime I am taken off guard.
Each time I think it will mean more for me.. it does not.
Still the same. Just the same.
Your fantastic. Go away.

Hello 2017.
More of the same.

I wonder if I sell my house...if I can get away from it all.
Everyone and everything.

?

I know the amount of my debts. I could easily pay it off and have a lil left for me to start over..or disappear.
I think I need to put this in motion.

I have already removed everyone from my social media. I no longer see anyone's posts unless I am in one of their groups.
My public posts are no longer targeted to any specific group of aquaintences.
I almost turned off my facebook a couple days ago.
But each day I have stopped following more and more.
I think I am down to 2.
No one knows. Or will know.
I stopped following people last summer. I didnt want to seenhow happy they were without me or my input.
No one noticed.
After a time..neither did I.

I have always been a ghost.. in most peoples lives.
My connections on social media didn't help me much if at all.
So .. time to slowly fade away.
I have reduced my posts to travel and scenery. The weather was too much for some. So it stopped too.
Animals have been reduced as well. Few smiling pics of me.
No one has noticed.

I am used to that.

Fade away.

..

2017

1/4/17

posted from Bloggeroid