Work and the new year.

Work is now under new management. Changes are happening.
I am thinking I am just gonna take a couple days and go skiing. Midweek won't be too expensive. I can get away and not stress.
I get the feeling no one wants me to come mess up their routines. Yes, everyone is accommodating. But I feel I am intruding on their lives..making them adjust to me making them be gracious. Yet I cannot come visit and stay at a hotel. That would be an indication that I am not being friendly.
I have been getting that.. don't go away just leave me alone feeling.
Since I am always there anyway.. I'm just doing nothing.
Working cleaning and not sleeping.

I have had the worst nights. The past few weeks.. can't sleep. Finally sleep..toss and turn.. bad dreams.. wake up early and cannot get back to sleep..finally fall asleep an hour Before my alarms..
Sometimes get up sometimes late for work .
No reason that I know for the bad dreams.
I've tried getting into bed early then reading for a couple hours.
But the same happens..
Something is there on the edge of my perception..nagging me.
The last 2 years have been difficult. Never knowing what direction I should go. With the work changes and other life events..I am still lost.
I am not meeting anyone. Not really trying.
I think I have worn out my choices. I don't think I can revisit any without issues. I cannot force any interest. If it is blown..done.. nothing I can do. As much as I would like to. That ship has sailed.

I remain friends..but less and less, not by my choices.
It just ends up happening to me.
I have worn off. Just not exciting anymore.
I have not changed.
Just me.

If I think about it.. this has been me..for years and years and years.
I see why some people die lonely and alone. They just never figure out how to get back to 'happy'. Yes, we make adjustments. Look ok.
But just below the surface..we are screaming.. 'i am here!!! Love me! Let me love you!. Let's love eachother !'

No takers.

So ...
Alone.

People are afraid to get close.
Afraid they will hurt me.
Afraid I will hurt them. (Never)
They push you away. Or just walk away. Or find ways to drop off the planet.

I know no one. My friends are limited. Most are thousands of miles away.

I think I am only attractive at a distance.

Or with 'beer goggles'..

I know..I have a good heart..I give my love deeply. I never try to hurt anyone. But.. not young and dangerous. Not overtly handsome. But not ugly. Never a first choice. Definately one you have to get to know. But most won't even try. Not even a selection choice. If I happen to 'find' you or you me.. you are always surprised!
Then what do you do??
Most cannot handle any of what I am.
Exciting and fun. Romantic. Special. Great. For a time.

The timing has grown. I used to be good for 3 weeks. Tried and true.
I am trying to find that cut off..
It seems like 10 months remote. I cannot quantify the local..because there is none.

I thought about giving up.
Each time I do.
Someone reminds me.
Reminds me that I am special.
That I can, by being me, help someone know they are loved.
Let me. I will love you.

So. Here I am. Just me. The A word. Never knowing what or how to proceed.

My sub-conscience kicking my ass, everynight.
Reminding me why I am not allowed to sleep, a restful nights sleep.

Arrrrgh

Yeah..this was about work.
Stresses
Hah!
My mind has always pushed me to the back.

I really do not matter.
I cannot achieve what I need. .
So why even try.
You are screwed.
Never a chance.
You just don't deserve it.
Accept it.
'You are not worthy'
You have known this for many years.
Every now and then I get the hope of happy.. just to be kicked there.
Years and years. No deviation. That is what it is.
Ouch!

Funny how that works.

Do you know?
I do not understand.
The explanation does not answer why we are both alone.
Just not you and me.

'I am not worthy'

Yup.

Good night.
R1/25/

posted from Bloggeroid