Oh that elusive restful place.
Between the sheets..under the heavy blankets..on the comfy pillows. With or without the night noise from the tv. With or without the open window. With or without the cuddle pillow. You know..the one that simulates a body next to you when you have none.
Then you get the weird dreams. The ones that wake you up..and the ones you don't want to wake from.
I have found ..lately I get my best sleep the last hour before my alarm(s) go off..usually during my best dreams.
I have always been of a realistic mind. No grand plans. No if I was rich, expectations. More of ..this is what I have been dealt..lets make it work. Try not to be miserable.
Get up the next day..and just do it all again.
Unfortunately. .too much of..this sucks..why am I stuck here?
Oh yeah..it could be worse..I could be living in my car..or be stuck doing a crappy job..
But I have the offset of the good life.. I work..pay my bills.. and have no real life for me. Just doing the everyday. Not for me but for the things I owe. Low low satisfaction.
Definately not where I wanted to be at this stage of my life.
I honestly did not think this stage would be an issue.
By my age..I would be settled..set.. worrying about different things.
Now..in this reality. Retirement scares me. I have nothing.
I have said I will work till they put the last nail in..and I will probably help.
I have no future. No plan. Absolut-ly no idea.
I see no option for a person to share my old age.
So that much less than my parents.
I have no close family..
I am isolated in this 'desolate' horrible place that no one ever wants to visit.. really? ... I have lived here 15 yrs..
I own my home..
No one wants to come here?
I need to move to the south side of Chicago..or east LA..the Bronx..
I just do not get it.
Honestly..New Bedford was the worst place I have ever lived..
No one ever visited there either.
It has to be me.
If I don't kidnap you. You won't see how I live.
Maybe..I am looking at this wrong..
Maybe it isn't where I live..maybe I could live at Disney..and no one would come..
Maybe it is just ...
Me.
I thought I was past that..decades ago..
Maybe not.
That is a blow to my persona..ego.. what ever..
Maybe I just suck.
Maybe 14 yr old me was right.
Confirmed again and again.
Loser!
That sucks.
Reality.
Why else would I be here..right here..right now?
Old, grey, alone & lonely.
No..I am not anywhere but, here ..alone.
No one wants to spend any time with me.
I have had nothing for a long time.
Partially me..mostly every one else.
That is probably why many just run away to seclusion. Don't look back..and just leave.
I am such a people junky..it would be so difficult. I have craved acceptance and friendship. .for years..and never found it.
But here I am.. old and alone..the things I thought would not happen to me.
But ..lo and behold.
More alone each day.
I know if I was a low life bastard..I would deserve this result. .but
Why me ?
Damn.
No self-esteem points there.
Hey!
Sorry to burden you with this..
Goodnight.
R1/27/17
Between the sheets..under the heavy blankets..on the comfy pillows. With or without the night noise from the tv. With or without the open window. With or without the cuddle pillow. You know..the one that simulates a body next to you when you have none.
Then you get the weird dreams. The ones that wake you up..and the ones you don't want to wake from.
I have found ..lately I get my best sleep the last hour before my alarm(s) go off..usually during my best dreams.
I have always been of a realistic mind. No grand plans. No if I was rich, expectations. More of ..this is what I have been dealt..lets make it work. Try not to be miserable.
Get up the next day..and just do it all again.
Unfortunately. .too much of..this sucks..why am I stuck here?
Oh yeah..it could be worse..I could be living in my car..or be stuck doing a crappy job..
But I have the offset of the good life.. I work..pay my bills.. and have no real life for me. Just doing the everyday. Not for me but for the things I owe. Low low satisfaction.
Definately not where I wanted to be at this stage of my life.
I honestly did not think this stage would be an issue.
By my age..I would be settled..set.. worrying about different things.
Now..in this reality. Retirement scares me. I have nothing.
I have said I will work till they put the last nail in..and I will probably help.
I have no future. No plan. Absolut-ly no idea.
I see no option for a person to share my old age.
So that much less than my parents.
I have no close family..
I am isolated in this 'desolate' horrible place that no one ever wants to visit.. really? ... I have lived here 15 yrs..
I own my home..
No one wants to come here?
I need to move to the south side of Chicago..or east LA..the Bronx..
I just do not get it.
Honestly..New Bedford was the worst place I have ever lived..
No one ever visited there either.
It has to be me.
If I don't kidnap you. You won't see how I live.
Maybe..I am looking at this wrong..
Maybe it isn't where I live..maybe I could live at Disney..and no one would come..
Maybe it is just ...
Me.
I thought I was past that..decades ago..
Maybe not.
That is a blow to my persona..ego.. what ever..
Maybe I just suck.
Maybe 14 yr old me was right.
Confirmed again and again.
Loser!
That sucks.
Reality.
Why else would I be here..right here..right now?
Old, grey, alone & lonely.
No..I am not anywhere but, here ..alone.
No one wants to spend any time with me.
I have had nothing for a long time.
Partially me..mostly every one else.
That is probably why many just run away to seclusion. Don't look back..and just leave.
I am such a people junky..it would be so difficult. I have craved acceptance and friendship. .for years..and never found it.
But here I am.. old and alone..the things I thought would not happen to me.
But ..lo and behold.
More alone each day.
I know if I was a low life bastard..I would deserve this result. .but
Why me ?
Damn.
No self-esteem points there.
Hey!
Sorry to burden you with this..
Goodnight.
R1/27/17
posted from Bloggeroid
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