It is an interesting thought.
I am seeing it on a personal level. First hand.
An interesting thought. I have never met ot talked to my ex-mother-in-law. I was with my ex for about 20 years. I know who her mother is, by reputation only. Stories and the entire fact that she never contacted us. I was told this was probably a good thing. I really never gave it much thought. It was explained to me, who and what she was. I accepted it and let it be.
Her daughter did not want to have anything to do with her. Apparently neither did she.
I am sure it was years in the making.
So, here we are. My daughter is turning 21. Her mom has not contacted her or even attempted to see or talk to her since june. Nothing for the holiday's. Now her milestone is approaching in 4 days.
No contact.
It is not as if we are hundreds of miles apart. More like 30 miles. Or maybe closer. (I think they moved, but dont know for sure)
It is a shame. Truly. There is no reason for the distance except they both stopped reaching out to the other.
I can not do anything to help. I have suggested to both that they need to try to make an effort. No one listens. Each is blaming the other.
I see history repeating.
Beside all that...
My history is also repeating.
Ironic. Understandable. Unfortunate.
Part of the reasons, or explanations.
It is really too bad. I can be more. I could be more. I would be what is needed.
But.
I am not. I guess I cannot be. Like before I could not make the grade, for whatever reasons. I know some that suffice in my brain. But probably very similar.
The other is just not going to work.
Attraction is not enough. We each blame the other's situation causing it never to work past good company.
She has the unrealistic expectation of a life I cannot sustain. Honestly I don't want to even try. I have already been burned and the anguish was a bit much to endure.
I know I have had 'past' interests that I put my all into. I have also have had many unfufilled interests. I wish I was more of 'the guy' that would persue.. but just too shy then and now..less now.. but still hate rejection and confrontation. Only when absolutely necessary. Funny because I expect everone to be up front with me.
Tell me!
Dont hint!
Yet I am always trying to decypher every action or lack of action.
It is out of requirement.
Like the commercial. . If everyone said what they mean..
It just don't happen.
So I am forced to try to read between the lines and decypher the actions and intent.
As always..I usually get it wrong.
I find out eventually.
Tears are usually shed.
Yes, in my history..it just repeats.
I continually do the same. I try to hold back. When I do give in, its bliss for a short while then it all goes to that place.
I end up exactly in that place where I end up wondering what happened. I was happy. I thought I was making forward movement..just to find, I am alone again.
History repeats.
I have been shy. I have tried to be bold. I usually end up pathetically confused.
The bold worked once in a while. Typicaly goes un-acknowledged or unnoticed.
Recently I saw someone I know serenade a room full of friends and aquaintences. He was acting silly. Everyone appreciated it and took it for what is was.. entertainment. He has always been that way.
Now he is married and devoted..but he has not lost that childlike ability to do whatever regardless of the embarrassment. That just doesn't matter. Making people smile is more important.
I can't allow myself to be in that place.
I have stood before a hundred people and told a story. I have acted parts infront of audiences. I have read bad news..good news..even the bible in front of people I wished to be accepted by. I have knocked on strangers doors and sold things and preached to.
I do not know why I cannot express my feelings In fear of rejection.
I have experienced rejection in all forms. Many times. Too many times.
In normal situations I let it roll off. In personal situations it affects me deeply. I mull over it forever. It hurts. I just cannot combine the two types of rejection.
If I could I could move past it. Put it in the 'so what' category. Let it roll off and go on.
I can't combine it. I know how. I can compartmentalize it.
It means a totally different thing personally.
Because of that .. I let it hurt.
Yes it does hurt.
Again and again.
As history repeats.
I know it's because I let it.
But I let it because it matters to me.
It always will.
I cannot seperate it.
I have tried.
History repeats.
Hey! You.
Yes 'You!'
Be different. Break the cycle.
You know me.
I have shared the real me.
You know my faults.
You know my strengths.
You know the me I share with those I care for.
Pain.
It is a painful place where I live.
I need to find the reason to wake up smiling.
Every day..not just because I have no other reason.
Forced.
But I need that uncontrollable 'perma-grin'
If you have seen it.. you know what it is.
Many people have commented 'how happy I look'
It's the 'perma-grin'
It has happened and people see it.
Those that know the 'old' me...are astonished!
I can show 'happy'.
I can look happy.
Because I am.
Mostly I am ... not.
I need to stop and go home.
R
1/14/17
I am seeing it on a personal level. First hand.
An interesting thought. I have never met ot talked to my ex-mother-in-law. I was with my ex for about 20 years. I know who her mother is, by reputation only. Stories and the entire fact that she never contacted us. I was told this was probably a good thing. I really never gave it much thought. It was explained to me, who and what she was. I accepted it and let it be.
Her daughter did not want to have anything to do with her. Apparently neither did she.
I am sure it was years in the making.
So, here we are. My daughter is turning 21. Her mom has not contacted her or even attempted to see or talk to her since june. Nothing for the holiday's. Now her milestone is approaching in 4 days.
No contact.
It is not as if we are hundreds of miles apart. More like 30 miles. Or maybe closer. (I think they moved, but dont know for sure)
It is a shame. Truly. There is no reason for the distance except they both stopped reaching out to the other.
I can not do anything to help. I have suggested to both that they need to try to make an effort. No one listens. Each is blaming the other.
I see history repeating.
Beside all that...
My history is also repeating.
Ironic. Understandable. Unfortunate.
Part of the reasons, or explanations.
It is really too bad. I can be more. I could be more. I would be what is needed.
But.
I am not. I guess I cannot be. Like before I could not make the grade, for whatever reasons. I know some that suffice in my brain. But probably very similar.
The other is just not going to work.
Attraction is not enough. We each blame the other's situation causing it never to work past good company.
She has the unrealistic expectation of a life I cannot sustain. Honestly I don't want to even try. I have already been burned and the anguish was a bit much to endure.
I know I have had 'past' interests that I put my all into. I have also have had many unfufilled interests. I wish I was more of 'the guy' that would persue.. but just too shy then and now..less now.. but still hate rejection and confrontation. Only when absolutely necessary. Funny because I expect everone to be up front with me.
Tell me!
Dont hint!
Yet I am always trying to decypher every action or lack of action.
It is out of requirement.
Like the commercial. . If everyone said what they mean..
It just don't happen.
So I am forced to try to read between the lines and decypher the actions and intent.
As always..I usually get it wrong.
I find out eventually.
Tears are usually shed.
Yes, in my history..it just repeats.
I continually do the same. I try to hold back. When I do give in, its bliss for a short while then it all goes to that place.
I end up exactly in that place where I end up wondering what happened. I was happy. I thought I was making forward movement..just to find, I am alone again.
History repeats.
I have been shy. I have tried to be bold. I usually end up pathetically confused.
The bold worked once in a while. Typicaly goes un-acknowledged or unnoticed.
Recently I saw someone I know serenade a room full of friends and aquaintences. He was acting silly. Everyone appreciated it and took it for what is was.. entertainment. He has always been that way.
Now he is married and devoted..but he has not lost that childlike ability to do whatever regardless of the embarrassment. That just doesn't matter. Making people smile is more important.
I can't allow myself to be in that place.
I have stood before a hundred people and told a story. I have acted parts infront of audiences. I have read bad news..good news..even the bible in front of people I wished to be accepted by. I have knocked on strangers doors and sold things and preached to.
I do not know why I cannot express my feelings In fear of rejection.
I have experienced rejection in all forms. Many times. Too many times.
In normal situations I let it roll off. In personal situations it affects me deeply. I mull over it forever. It hurts. I just cannot combine the two types of rejection.
If I could I could move past it. Put it in the 'so what' category. Let it roll off and go on.
I can't combine it. I know how. I can compartmentalize it.
It means a totally different thing personally.
Because of that .. I let it hurt.
Yes it does hurt.
Again and again.
As history repeats.
I know it's because I let it.
But I let it because it matters to me.
It always will.
I cannot seperate it.
I have tried.
History repeats.
Hey! You.
Yes 'You!'
Be different. Break the cycle.
You know me.
I have shared the real me.
You know my faults.
You know my strengths.
You know the me I share with those I care for.
Pain.
It is a painful place where I live.
I need to find the reason to wake up smiling.
Every day..not just because I have no other reason.
Forced.
But I need that uncontrollable 'perma-grin'
If you have seen it.. you know what it is.
Many people have commented 'how happy I look'
It's the 'perma-grin'
It has happened and people see it.
Those that know the 'old' me...are astonished!
I can show 'happy'.
I can look happy.
Because I am.
Mostly I am ... not.
I need to stop and go home.
R
1/14/17
posted from Bloggeroid
No comments:
Post a Comment