Same

This is gonna be that year.
Last year was full of plans and expectations.
Not many were accomplished. The ones that were, did not live up to my expectations. Many were not. To my disappointment.
So maybe this will continue to be the year that just passes.
I have time I can use. I don't know what to do with it.
I think I have worn out any welcome. I have no where new to go.
Even if I did. It is no fun by myself.
My young adult refuses to do anything.
She would come along. But won't enjoy it, and if she don't, I won't as much as I could.
So the plan was to leave her home, and go by myself.
.. that phrase.. 'By myself'..
Such is the same.

I see now. I have known many older lonely people. Throughout my time on this planet. I see what they were going through.
I hope I was understanding then. Sorry Henry if I wasn't. Charlie, Ruth, even John, Jodie, and many others. I know I realized it.. then, I respected them, those that are still with us, I respect them today. But now I know the feeling. I always spent time with them talking learning, Listening..
I am there now. No one wants to 'hear' me.
I remember when I was little.. very small... I felt insignificant around all the big people.. I became loud.. I was always told to be quiet..quiet down.. I needed to be heard, seen, acknowledged.
I knew things, I was observant, I paid attention and saw things most people didn't. But I was young and small. Ignored. I remember being on a trip in Canada, the driver was lost, got help but was told the wrong way to go, I tried to tell them the right way.. but I was just a noisy kid. An hour later.. someone realized I was right.
Then.. at some point I listened.. and got quiet. I kept what I knew to myself.
Once in a while someone wanted to listen to me. I was ecstatic!..I ate it up. Some just wanted to conflict. I was very opinionated, ask for my opinion, you would get it. I know what I know..I know what I believe. And I do strongly.
I spent years figuring out everything in my life. I knew why I did or didnt do this or that. I could explain myself, my actions to anyone. I could 'dumb it down' or 'scientifically' express it to anyone.
I actually looked for those that would challenge me, my belief. Many I persuaded to see it my way. Some I totally Changed their perceptions. I hope to think I changed their lives.

I know they changed mine.
Even if they didn't know it.
(Thanks Cathy)

But at some point, I lost me. The I am sure I know who I am, me.
Yes, I have always been unsure. But, I had a place. My place. I think I have lost that, looking for acceptance, something I always wanted but never needed. So here I am floating, lost. Searching.

I am beyond personal acceptance, I have that. But at this place, I need to be heard. I need to know that what I know is useful.
Yes it is justification. But without it I am just this guy.
I cannot settle. I need a bit more. Not much.. just a bit.
I am tired of being told to be quiet. I am frustrated because no one wants to listen. I am looking for my place in someone's life.
I have spent so much time proving my 'worth' to people that will never see it. I am drained. Beaten down. Yes, my choices are my own, with the limitations of years of practice. I need to fall into that thing that I see will change my life.
I have not walked the edge for a while, I have no one to guide me, so I stay away from the precipice. So nothing changes.

I have taken the steps..crossed over and it was bliss for months.. but not to be. Timing. Same. Not me.

It hurts. I think and rethink over and over.
No.

I don't want to settle. But that is the only option.
Ugh.
I am not that. I don't think I can be him.
I know I can't.

The problem now is I do not have a 'network', no way to meet anyone new. No way to expand. I am isolated. I feel it. Every day.
All I know is work. Work is full of youngsters that see this old grey guy.. :(
No wonder I feel grumpy.

Grumpy old man.

You know .. I have a nice smile. I even have dimples I cannot control when I am grinning.
Not much to bring out the 'perma-grin' these days.
Not much at all.

Same.

I know it is only January. . But is this gonna be that year?
I thought last year was dreary.. is this gonna be the breaking year?

Henry..when I knew you.. I see it now. Damn.
You were younger than I am now. And you left us. Alone.
Ouch.

Same.

It truly feels like I am drifting out of control.
No purpose. Nothing but work to pay the bills.
Get up and do it all again.

I don't blame you. Any of you. Those that I put my heart into.
I learned along time ago. It is not your fault. Totally on me.
That is why we guard our hearts. Sometimes we let the wall down. Let you in. Because we need it. We learn. Again and again.
It is always the same. Don't give so much. You won't have anything left.
But, it feels so good. We ignore it. We pay for it, always, it hurts.
But we would do it again and again.
And again.

I am looking for what I should have had.
I worked so hard for years and years.
I never ever found it. Do you understand? That hurts so much.
I give all I am. Just to find it is for nothing.
Why is it that I have not found the one willing to give as much?

I understand in my grandparents age people worked at it to be happy. They stayed together forever. They made it work. Made a commitment. All in all were happy.
I have found no one in my time that understands this.
Why?
Anyone can adjust to make a relationship work.
But the desire just isn't there anymore.
I am too old school.
I did for 20. I didn't give up.
But here I am.

Same.

Here I am.
Lost.
With no where to go.

What the hell did I do to be here?

Decisions need to be made.

Same.

Unloved and neglected.

Not really.. it just feels that way.

Same.

R 1/11/17

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