September

Well, I made it to another month. Nothing new. Not much going on.

( this is added after .. go through the beginning. ... read through to the later part of the post.. )

Put my name in the hat for a work trip. Prob wont get it. Not important if I don't .. but if I do.. it would be interesting. I would get to travel for free. Go somewhere I have never been. Help out and be put on a list of useful people.. got to guys.. it would be work..and an experience.
I will see next week.

The rest of work has been average. My assist is out on vacation. Plenty of things going on to keep me busy. Nothing critical beside a computer with smoke coming out of it.. a couple trips to the mountains.
All fairly routine.

I may need to hire a new tech.. one wants to change shifts..and then possibly leave... but I have no one I can use to fill his shift..and cant increase the headcount. I would have to let someone go in order to hire someone to fill his shift then rearrange..

Personally.. just me and ISTBA. Hanging out. Cleaned off the patio last night and had a fire..a couple drinks and read our books. Tonight.. took a nap after dinner and ISTBA and I are having a couple beers... thus the blog attention. Primarily out of boredom. I could have stayed home and had another fire and read some more.. almost done with my book. But I am not planning on going out tomorrow. . So I figured I should tonight.
I thought better of it.. procrastinated..by doing the dishes..and figured why not.

One more day..then a long lonely weekend. No plans..nothing to do..on call.. and broke.

Not hearing much from anyone. No one new. Not meeting anyone. Keeping my distance from 'My bar'. .no real reason why other than bored with it. Same ole people but no real friends. Too many changes. Not as friendly. Food not as good. And so on..

I did have an old middle school friend ask to stay over last weekend. He and a friend came for a funeral and needed a place to sleep..and remembered I lived here. It was nice catching up.. I had not seen him since 1980 or so.. it was cool.

Reflection.

I have been looking at my possibilities. .
Thinking about where and why..
I feel I have removed a few options from the table. Not intentionally..but figure I have blown it. Made attempts and failed. Now.. not sure if I can rekindle or even if I should try. It would not be good if it failed. Bridges would be soaked in fuel and set alight.. I think the choice I made was good.. needed and right.. I know I didnt ruin a friendship. But not sure if it will cause an issue.. or if I can behave.

I have a history of behavior.

But.. because of this.. I am pained.
I cannot go with the expectation of not or with the expectation of doing... I know what I would want to happen..but no honest way to make the best of it..if it goes another way.
So..I have held back kept my distance ..to add to my loneliness. I could just plan to go with no plan.. and see what happens.
Not a good way.. so..I dont go..I dont plan..
I could make a step.. and travel in that direction.. and just see. Or.. I can just keep doing nothing.

Nothing.

On another front..
My Alaska friend..is occasionally asking about my well being.. told me she is staying on for another month.. but I have had to remove her posts from my feed..not following. . Because I do not need to see what she posts about her summer boyfriends.. none of my business. Not my concern. Not at all about me. So I dont want or need to see.
I dont need to feel jealous.. except it is not me..

A person.. wants to be wanted.. needed.. desired.. and once you find that..and have that..it is really tough to lose it.. more than if you never had it...
The fact that you are now without.. and have no prospects and really no way to change that.. hurts.. it is your fault that you are where you are.
You are preventing the new. .. well not preventing just not finding the new. ..
Not looking..lost..wandering .. not knowing where to look..where to be..

So.. just you and ISTBA hanging out.

You know.. one that caught my attention. . Asked for it. And I gave it. The next needed it and I wanted it.
Both are unique. Both gave me something I never expected. Made me feel wanted and whole. One totally confused me..until I saw just how confused she was.
Curse of the red headded.
I care so much. But I dont think I can give her what she needs.. or what she thinks she needs. It isnt me.
Yes.. I know this.
The next one.. I was there.. I am here..
I fell. Yes we stepped off the curb.. went that way.. and opened up..found a connection..and experienced a real friendship. Found a special connection.
I am recovering...trying to see .. I know some of the issues and realizations.. guilt. .sorrow.. questions.. those places a person finds themselves. .wondering..second guessing..stating they dont care..but in reality.. worry about every thing and every one.. how they appear.. how they are supposed to be.
Trying to keep the.people in their life close to them. Trying not to lose another important person..
And yet pushing away the ones that wont go away. .. because they wont... they are always there... always will be.
That is why you can.. push them to arms lenght.. you know they won't leave you.

I just added the note at the beginning..

So.. you do..and they prove they won't.

This has turned into a long post.

As always.. I am here.
I think alot about all of this..
I ignore a lot..because I don't want to hurt.
But I am alone.
I know it may be temporary. .
But .. the right now.. feels like forever.

R 9/1/16

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