Ok.. you have my attention

I am really not sure what is going on.
Miscellaneous contact times 3.. casual contact tines 2..

I get it.. I think.. I am not alone.

Just lonely.

If I get some kind of random text or call.. from 1 more.. somebody will need to help me.
It is not a bad thing. .no not at all.. needed actually. .. but some are causing me to wonder.
Today was fine. Thanks for the text. Always good to hear from a friend.
But then.. after dinner and tv.. I go out for a beer. .. and the bar is full except for the last 2 seats.. I choose 2..sit right next to another and her friend... the friend was between. .but after a minute I saw her..
No contact.. very awkward.. been 5 yrs.. ended badly for me.. took ages to get over ..to stop thinking about it all... bad time in my life the week it ended.. loss of family.. dealing with that and all at the same time.. and done. Never talked again. It wasn't even a major relationship..just could have gone an entirely different direction..
Thinking back.. I only kissed her twice.. but others got in the way..and changed her mind..and she found an out. I made a mistake and it was done. No explanation no further contact. Done.
She was a good friend..for years ..

So... I guess I should start calling people..texting. make this mojo go my way or away..

Because even with it all.. I am here...by myself.
It makes a person realize how alone they are..
How far arms length really is.
No one wants to step up.. they are fishing..or just checking to see if I will bite.. boy..I want to.. hook me.. reel me in.. just remember...
It am a keeper..not a catch and release.. got too many scars from that.. going way back.

Yeah ..making my head swim..

Switching gears. ..
To Mike!
I had a beer to your memory tonight.
You were a great guy. Sorry to hear your passing.
Sorry for your family. You are missed already.
I won't make it to your service. . It is in 2 days. Too far to drive.. and too expensive to fly on short notice..
You were a good friend. And a great guy.

Listening to the fire crack and the crickets chirping.
Sitting here by myself under the stars.
Winding down..

My mind still pondering the past few days.

Hey. You! Anyone. . . Contact me.

My friend reminded me I am loved.
We all know, we all need to be reminded.
But sometimes it makes it hurt more..to have known the love is real..to feel it ..touch it.. have it touch you back. And know it isn't there.

Yes, I love you too.
All of you. And I know you love me.

Still here...still trying to figure out what to do next. Just don't know.

R 9/20/16

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