Been here before..

Yes, something very familiar about where I am.
Deja vu..
In the Matrix..that means a reset.
Reset.
That means the outcome will be different than planned..expected..
It may or may not be a good different.
But it will be unexpected.

Past experiences make me a pessimist..
The outcome is almost never in my favor.

I know .. negative Nancy..

Just where I am..

I have learned the art of procrastination. .and even though it seems like the thing to do at the time..it usually isnt.

I miss the chance..
Miss the queue..
Dont see the signs..
And usually miss out.

I think I am taking it slow..but the pace is never correct..

I was trying to learn how to just grab hold and not let go..impulsive..
Spontaneous. . But I only get a couple chances..
Get burned and decide not to do that again.. rejection is never easy..
And it jades me to be cautious again.

Yes.. I'd love to be able to walk up and grab your hands push them over your head and back you Into the wall and plant that knee folding kiss..
Just dont have the guts...
Caution and apprehension.. its all part of my self doubt.

Once in a while, I get the 'why not'..attitude.. and it works..
But I am destined to be who I am..not who I want to be.

I dont have a chance with a stranger..thus my downfall.
If you know me..already. . You know if I am more than a friend..
Or not..and you also know how long you will wait to see if I approach our friendship as more..and usually by the time I figure that out.. the moment is passed..

Sad but it happens..

But when I find someone that gets me..and allows it to go beyond that simple friend status. I find it extremely hard to let go.
I realize how difficult it is to wait for me to figure it out..and still stay interested.. even to the point where you advance and make it known. .if I am not being stupid.. I will see and get beyond my doubts and act on it.
Another reason I dont give up on something that works..

Which is why I am.. here alone..and wondering why.

Really this is not directed at any one person..other than me..
I dont understand that after all this time on the planet..why I am here In this place..
I should have a better handle on all this...

Been here before...

R2/28/16

posted from Bloggeroid

Where I am.. as opposed to where am I?

I am here... right here.
I know I am where I am..so I am not lost.
I am here.

I know I cannot go there.
The many there's..

I cannot hope to force it to be different..or even as it was..

I struggle to be what it has become. Not where I wanted to be.
But I accept it..I know I have to..

Sure, I want it to be different..but..I knew going in...it would be something I have been through before..
And yes it has..

I cant give up.. part of me is you. That will not change..
As I said. Part of you is mine..and me yours.

But I know..now isnt the time..and life will go on.

I know how to do this..
Done it before..

Love you!

R/24/16

posted from Bloggeroid

Something

A challenge.
I write about all I am...
All I think and feel..
It can be tough.
Trying to decide what to say and what not to say..
I read these posts later and wonder what fueled rhe topic or feeling.
I am just trying to express my frustration of my life.
I have been there many times..and 'love stinks' j giels song was my life for years. And seems to make me think more now.

I never want to make someone feel bad..if I know that is the result I change how ita delivered..

I know where Iam..where I stand. .

I think the plane from Cancun..has landed..

R2/22/16

posted from Bloggeroid

Need

Yes. Another of the one word titles.
Need.
to need..
to want to be needed..
To need to be needed..
To need to be wanted..
To feel needed..
To want to feel needed..
To need to feel needed..
Need.

You can not have all these ..
You will be denied..
You cannot pick..
You get what is given.

Need.

Never should be confused with wants.

Wants are usually good to start..but..can take over..then you become selfish. That is never good.
No one likes selfish.

It isnt pretty or handsome.

I am a bit lost.
I had a false sense of belonging that I created., and see the reality of it. I was warned and reminded over and over.. and chose to ignore it.
My fault.
I repeat history.
And I cause my pain and confusion.
Too late and too soon.
Never on time never where I need to be.

Too old.. too familiar. To new..

For some reason.. I have been placed in the wrong time. Sometimes out of sync by decades...some by a few years..

I dont know why I made the choices I made in my life..
I dont know how different I would have been .. how happy or sad..
But I seem to pay for them all ..

Need.

Want.

Result.

Life.

I cannot blame or hold responsible anyone else for where I am right now.

It is me that made who i am now.
I have those bold moments..and the result is always the same..
Dweeb
I get that look..or a polite shutdown.
And I crawl back into my shell.
And regroup.

I connect with so few..
And always at the wrong time..wrong place.

No salvaging what was.
Only hope you dont mess it all up trying to fix what isnt.. and what wont be.

I need to persue the invitation and distract myself from my woes.
I handled that badly.. in expectation.. now crushed.. and probably made another 'un-friend'.. another mistake.

I have ..
I had.. and again..
But not where I what to be..
Alone is better..sane..

I guess its time.
Time for a new chapter.
A new direction.

Never painless..
Never easy.

I wont say the changes havent hurt.
They are not easy.. but apparently necessary.
For me as well.

My feelings will never change..as always.
Dont feel bad. I was guarded and warned and knew all along.
I just dont know how to proceed..
I guess I should..not proceed.
Not.

Not need ..

Not want..

Time to.. shift away.. or back to where I was.. before.

Damn.

Please remember I will always be there if you NEED me.
That will never change.

R2/19/16

posted from Bloggeroid

Sitting

It is no longer about where I stand.
So I sit.
Sitting is different than standing.. it is usually more comfortable than standing.. not always. .just usually.
I am not sure if it is a 'usually' or not.
I am not comfortable. .so probably not...

So, here I sit.
R 2/19/16

posted from Bloggeroid

It was nice

I thought ISTBA was buying a plane ticket back.
I heard he was planning on a visit.
Not sure if he made the reservation...

Trials and tests tell us a lot about where we are...how we react.
Some times we must test ourselves..
I remember as a young adult.. (almost)
One of my personal tests..while drinking.. was to close my eyes..and see if I start spinning..
Lately..I seem to be spinning.
Not really sure what that is supposed to mean..
But .. it is where I am..

Yes, denial is there..so is affirmation.

I am figuring this out.. (of course totally wrong..) I will continue.
I am me.

Totally lost my thought..

But so is the way ..

Hugs and squeezes. . .

You deserve them.

R2/17/16

posted from Bloggeroid

Point

I am at that awkward point.
I dont know what I can and cannot do.
I dont know how much I should say, like, share.
I am not competing, not backing away, just not trying to damage anything.
Its a fine line and I dont know where it is.

Don't get me wrong.. I still care immensely, but dont want to appear to be the clingy nusiance. That will only lead down the road to the 'just leave me alone'

I am back to second guessing..and doubt.

A familiar place. But never where I want to live.

Confidence comes hard to me and takes time.
It is never easy for me.

So here I am..

Just me ..

Not your fault.
Totally on me.

Need to get under to get over..
(Thanks Andie)

But with me that is always my difficulty.

R 2/14/16💔

posted from Bloggeroid

Recovered lost posting.. partial..

I found this stuck in my phone from last week.. it doesnt matter because it has all been discussed. .and I know where I am.
I know where I should have stayed..
I just hope I didnt screw it all up.

I am doing what I know I should.. and it is not easy.
Anyway.. here it is.. it probably should have been deleted... but I found it and have to post it.

I need to beware of capital letters.. they haunt me.

2/13/16

----

Started.. but not completed thoughts...
.......................



I am rethinking my directions.
I have to try and figure out what I want. Why I let this get away from me.
I knew going in that this was different and going to be a long and interesting ride.
I started this with no expectations. .no agenda..only to be there..and a friend. It grew into a fantastic friendship and will always be one.

ISTBA.. has taken a sabbatical and moved to tibet or somewhere...
Thanks..

But as always.. I grew so attached and dependant..
I enjoy the close friendship..

But ... find myself jealous (totally the wrong word) of the rest of the available contact.
.......................

Sorry I scared you.

Resetting.

You are right.. I didnt mean to push anything..
Actually I did..but know its not time.

I am getting nervous... others are realizing who you are..what a beautiful person you are.. you are coming out of your shell.. and I am afraid of losing you.

I am no longer your only smile in your day.. and have lost my exclusivity..plus..I feel im slipping ..

Its inevitable.. there are others waiting to find you.. and the issues are so obvious.. I will lose.. that whole time /distance thing..

posted from Bloggeroid

Comment..

I have had a chance to re-read my last..

Sorry.. you told me not to stop posting my thoughts..not to censor my posts.

So, that is why it is still there...
It is how I was feeling .. what was in my head..

I am still who I am..and you are important to me.

No naming beyond friendship.
No obligations..no requirements.

Except to be there..as I will be there, too.

Don't pull back..don't push me away..

Hug me...I will hug you.

143!

R 2/9/16

posted from Bloggeroid

Posting

Ok.. I feel a post is needed..

First of all...

I LOVE YOU!

Never gonna change.
It is a fact.

That is out of the way..

We talk..and explain ourselves..
I try to articulate and listen...and understand.

I know...some of what you are going through.. I have been tring to help..

I know you understand where my head is..
I have fallen.. but I see you are afraid of heights..
So, I understand..why.. but..I dont get why you wont allow me to let us have fun.
I am not going to hold you for more than our time we can spend together..
You should know I am not like most people you know..
We have connected on many levels..and we enjoy our time together..you allow me to be romantic.
I love to be able to share that side of me..
I know where you are..and I respect that..but
I dont see why you decline to come have some fun..
Is a weekend that dangerous.. I am not afraid of getting more attached.. but I think you are.. we have fun.. and we love eachother... so it isnt weird..
I love to put a smile on your face..
I know I can do that.
Mentally and physically..
It puzzles me as why you wont let me help you to be happy.
I know this isnt a permanent thing, too early for that ..
I just love making you smile and helping you be happy.

So..my point is why cant you come out and have a lil fun..and we can share some more time together.. some pleasant memories ..
Beautiful scenery..and a chance to get out of your 'location' away from all that is haunting you for a few days..

I am not looking to make you change or decide your future based on our shared time .. I care so much for you..I do not want you to feel obligated to me for our time spent together.
It is nice to be with someone I care for..it is easier to enjoy what I feel with the right person.. I wont make you feel obligated to be with me just cause we have shared ourselves.

I know I can show you a good time..make some memories even if it is forgotten in a weekend.

I must apologize for the rant.. I want to make sure you wont forget me.
Dont say you wont... it can happen.
... it hss happenef to me before. ..
I just need you in my life.
And I will take whatever it ends up as.
Friend.. lover.. fantasy..
But please dont make me..be without you....

Ok..I must stop... 4 pints later..and I am professing ... me.

But ..if you are scared to come spend time with me..someone who can bring out the smile that lives in you.. you will have to make me understand.. just why..

I am already hooked on you..and am willing to let you go if you are going to be happy..

As I said many times
I am here to help you be happy.
It is my goal.
It does not necessarily include me..

Ok.. done for now...

Love you..

( I have to read this later..to know what came out of my head)

R 02/09/2016
.

posted from Bloggeroid

Wait...

I seem to wait a lot.
Currently waiting to go somewhere.
Actually already late.. but waiting..
Being paitent.
Trying not to be a nusiance.
I have made the necessary request and wait for the proper response.
Fortunately.. this wait is coming to an end..
Paitence paid off..we can go..
I didnt have to be a nag..

Waiting sometimes pays off.

Lesson
..

R 2/7/16

posted from Bloggeroid

Onely

Not quite lonely..
But quite apparent.. you are by yourself.
You have companions..but not any close enough to fill the voids.

Close.
Many different definitions..
You can be close and no where in proximity..
No ability to touch the others presence..
That still works if each are mentally feeling it..
Once that bond is not enough, both lose the feeling.
And the 'Onely' arrives..

You still try..and the new feeling is now aparrent..
I dont know how to revive what I felt across the distances..
I know it isnt enough..
I tried..
I think I am failing.

I have to be content with what we had. And the knowledge that what was, is real..but just not now.

I am so glad I was there...and able to help.

Now..I cannot make suggestions...because it is difficult to quiet my wants and expectations, i need to support my friend in any decisions.
Any suggestions would be tainted with my feelings..and to my benefit..it cannot be helped..I am only human..but I am strong and can remain a friend..and continue to help. . And must push my feelings back In the box.

I have felt this coming..and dread..where it may go..but I still need the contact..and am abit lost without it.
I have got so used to it.and it will take time not to feel the loss of it .

Sorry ...total brain dump...

R 2/7/16

posted from Bloggeroid

Working now

Ok..I think this is working.

Hello there!

First of all... SMILE..
Someone loves you.

I have been having issues with posts here.
Probably to my benefit..
I have had a few dark thoughts in the past few days.

We are in the early part of the year..
Cold..wet.. miserable..
And our moods are a reflection..
Which amplifies our uncertainties... and fears.. discrepancies.

It makes us second guess..and doubt everything.

And of course causes us to experience doubt..guilt..and intensifies our lonelyness..
Any of that will..make us rethink and adjust..
Not always for the better..
We may have been on the path..
Heading In The right direction.... and
BAM!.. off we go..

Think for a minute. .....

Before the advice..feeling.. realization.. fear..
Whatever made you change...

How did you feel...
Scared..?
Apprehensive?
Angry?

Or

Happy?
Loved?
Cared for..?
Comfortable. .?

Some of these things desire a change..some do not..

That is a decision we must make..
Really?? What made you happier?

It isnt wrong to be happy..
Comfortable.

Dont let anyone determine your happiness.
It is all on you..
Sorry..but true..

' with or without you'...song lyrics..

All I want is you to be happy.

I have said that many times.

I mean it... period.

If you are happy. . . I have fufilled my obligaton. Request.. need...
It is all I can ask for.

The 'Me' isnt relavant.

R 2/4/16

posted from Bloggeroid

Hi

Nothing but cheery happy post here.

I have things in my head.. and cant figure how to pull them out.

I need a beer.

R 1/31/16

posted from Bloggeroid

Cleared

Could not post...

Would not let me complete that thought.

Maybe for the better...

R1/31/16

posted from Bloggeroid