Debate..question for the masses..

But I need to ask a question.
Do I try to rekindle something that could be..
Or should I leave it smoldering in the ashes of failure?

I may be able to correct my mistake and start fresh..and make it work.. or at the least make it clear if it should be at all...
I am Curious. If it should be...

I have reservations.. and annoyances.. but I am sure I annoy as well ..habits and rituals... but without real dates..and limited exposures.. I look good. Scary to be revealed... ..

So should I try or not.. the new year is coming...

R

Still no plans

I have a project im working on for a friend. It was a 2day job..im on day 3. Its been cold in the garage.
It is supposed to be a bit warmer tomorrow. Maybe I can get it back together by then. Its a favor.. and no time frame to completion...but ill do my best...
So that being said.. im still kicking around next week.
Drive.. and see.. or what..

We will see..
R

Dec 26 2014

I know its ... the 27th..
But I needed to post this night.
Up till now.
Absolut-ly... a good night...for what that means.
Need to plan for next week. .. either go and do or not...
I am leaning on do....
We will see. Always plenty to do..

ISTBA......!!!!

R

December

Hi...
What am I doing?
I just don t know.. sometimes I have the answers..sometimes I dont.
I bitch because im alone..and the next thing im trying to figure out why im not happy with the person that wants me In their life.. its not that I dont want to be happy.. but sometimes I realize I dont want to settle..and have to make it work.
And sometimes I just dont want to try to do more to make someone happy..and not mean it the same as they do..
Its unfair to them and me...
I dont ever want to hurt someone who cares for me..
That is just not me.

I've been wrong before...

I should be the first to admit it..
I have been wrong many times before..
And will be again.

Another mistake.. I was told something and figured it for truth..and tonight proving it not to be.

Happened before..very similar situation..
And proved wrong..

I wish I was able to act on the things I. My head.. i'd probably be a little happier..

Definately not as lonely as I am now.

ISTBA.. you are back..

My own fault.

R 12/21/14

Getting close to the end of the year

Here we are in the middle of December. I am plugging away..making sure I am paying my bills..and trying to keep my house clean..and wondering where I need to be..I work too much..I dont eat regular anymore..I dont sleep well..I am alone more than with others. I have pushed away the one that wants to be with me..not intentionally, but by being too busy.. I cannot excuse that.. totally my fault.. life and work and bills have not made that happiness possible.. I just cant figure out where I am supposed to be...
R
12/17/14

Nice smile

I just noticed your smile.
I actually do t tbink I have ever seen you smile.
But, always nice to see a pretty girl smile.

I am in limbo as usual..and got to work a future option.

Wishful thinking.

R

Ok. Whats next?

It has been a wild last few months...
I think I have busted a 'comfortable' friendship. It was great but I let my responsibilities and home & work take all my time away..and I am sorry .. we had a good thing..but I am a jerk.. and my life has taken over.. I still have no 'me' .. and it makes me a lonely guy..

More on death

Well, another long time friend has passed on.
It was way too soon. He was younger than I..and it was an accident..he was one of my old friends, a roommate and sometimes confidant. He was a dad to a wonderful child and a great husband.. he had a persona that showed you what a man should be. He was handsome and nice at the same time. He had his demons and like a true man fought them as he should.
He was my friend and brother. He showed me things I didnt see and accepted me for who I was. Never judgemental and always a friend.
I can not say anything bad about him.. I dont think he has ever given me anything that could be said in a bad way about him. This is rare! I cannot say that about many.

We had obligations and life that seperated us but we were friends..and I will miss him. There was a time .. distance was not an issue..where we would talk..and get comfort from each other. That is how it should be.. life causes us to find someone that understands.. I feel we were there for each other. .. when it counted.
He will always be one of my best friends.

Miss you Ray.. God speed...

R
12/05/14

X-giving

Well, the day before Thanksgiving.
Worked till 3:45..then 5:30 to 10..
I have a toothache.. and have to work 4 to close tomorrow. And 6 to close Fri. .. off Sat and Sun but on call..
It could be worse.. I could be unemployed and broke.. instead of double employed and broke...
Ha!
Im pissing off the one.. because ive been too busy.. but its that time of year.
I have a week of vacation to use but no $ to use it.. and I need to be a little respossible..
Maybe....

Anyhow.. it beers to kill the pain and ibuprofin before bed..

Happy thanksgiving. ..

R
11/26/14

Tuesday

Yep, just another Tuesday. Things have been moving fwd at works and nothing much else.
Decisions are afoot. I need to figure if I need to do something or not.
I need to figure this out. Been thinking about how to do whatever I need to do. In the past month I have learned a bit..and must act on what I know..and move forward.
Opportunities are short lived and I may never know the true outcome unless I act.
It is never pretty or what I expect.. it could be good..
We will see if I ever get to know what it will be.
But you never know till you try.
So many things that should have happened over the years. But some will never be known.
My loss..and others too..

R 11/18/14

November cont.

I dont remember where I left off.. but now I am cloudy..
So.. the next tangent...
I am ready to go home and sleep. Probably the 2 nd best sleep all week..
No ..im not going into that..
But, I am Absolut-ly ready for uninterrupted sleep.
But..
Yes another but..
I am falling short.. as usual.
Of what and where I should be.
I dont know what I need..just what I want.. and they rarely are the same thing.
I like to be comfortable. .but figure if it isnt what I 'want'.. its what I deserve...
Kind of a negative way to view it.. but ..the years have proven it ..I get what I get..

Anyway.. I should go home and pass out.. tomorrow is a day with a few responsibilites that must be taken care of.. if I dont.. who will?

R 11/15/14

November

Yep..Nov.
I age another year this month.
Have I learned anything new about life..
Probably not enough to make a difference.
Im older..and maybe a bit wizer...
But all the same issues are there..
I really do not know what I am doing or what I should be doing.
More mistakes less learning from them.. hind sight is there but none of it is useful.

More..

Milestones

Here I am.. one day older into my next year.
Majorly uneventful. Nothing on purpose.. anyway.

All good, went this many years without any hubbub.. so why should it matter.

I know some people would make a fuss if I told them... but.. if they were going to.. they already should know...

Nuff said.

On to the rest of my life..
The adult. .I cant really call her kiddo ..
Is doing good.. making a dorm move .. but it will be nicer.. and I am not concerned. She is an amazing person and will continue to be.

Proud dad

I am minorly stressed about works and it will level out I hope.
ITSBA is hanging around.. but takes a break now and then.
Im not compaining about the breaks.. just sayin...

I got to figure out whats next.. I need to make a few decisions and take some steps..and get my stuff in order.

Then I can kick ITSBA in the ass and have a life.

Just dont make any enimies...along the way.

R 11/9/2014

Oops..

I forgot to hit publish on that last one.. I dont even remember writing it.. thanks to Crown..
Anyhow.
Another day.. been too busy.. slept poorly.. woke up at 2 and tried to go back to sleep .. ended up waking up at 6.. went to my 7am meeting.. and had to leave at 8 to go up to the mtn to fix a transmission issue.. thought we were gonna be off till I could get a replacement unit.. days.. but with M's help troubleshot on site and determined a work around.. and got us back up within the hour..
Yes, thats me patting myself on the back.. (no one else will)
It was huge.. a revenue saver.. and part of my job.. but an attaboy would not go un appreciated... but give up hoping for that..
I got to have my personal satisfaction.. cause it dont seem anyone else notices...

Feeling unappreciated..

No matter.. its what it is..

ISTBA you old bugger.. who invited you. ....

So.. I totally screwed up my relationship.. go figure... but what can I do.. I have obligations and priorities. .and my happiness is not that important in the grand scheme..

Im at that place.. got to move fwd and see whats next.

Works are what they are..and I must do what I must.

So.. have another. And forget about it till I can get to whats next.

R 10/25/14

Work and corp

Ok..so this has been a great day.
Depending on how you view it.
Met my new bosses.. learned a lot. And made a few see what we are and what we do.
Thanks M.. we make a great team.
I think we will survive.
It looks good.. but so did the last..
We will see.

Aside from that.. learned a few things about others I work with and its as I thought and as I may have thought... interesting at the least.
Need to have another and sleep in my lonely bed.

ISTBA.. where did you come from.

R 10/22/14

Now

Ok.. been over thinking as always..
Not sure what to do next.
I tried..earlier this week and got unreadable reply.. 'have a good weekend'

I took that wrong.. duh... as your too late so stop trying... so thats what I did.

Worked my 16s and had a steak..

I guess I should have texted..
Invited..
But..

Well I am me.. dumb-smart.. cant win for losing.

So now the question.. is should I give up..stop..

Posts and songs sung are messages and subject to interpretation. .
Which I always get wrong.. just me.

I will wait and see.
Im still busy as all can be and time is something I dont have.
And even worse..I dont know hour to hour much less day to day what I will be needed to do.

I hope it will stabalize and If so I can have a personal life I can share..before I truly forget how to do that.

R
10/18/14

Ok so here I go....

Ok so here I go....
Dont know.. I think I just got a taste of my own medicine... well maybe not.. bit I feel bad. Its like a cold slap..

I know I didnt want it to go the way it has.. but its my own doing.. more or less..

I let life roll and had to deal with what I have.. it is what it is.

I have been feeling lonely and isolated.. and its my fault..

I am what I am..and I have to do what I do.
I have my responsibilites and have to make sure that comes first.... cause it does. I am alone because I have to do what I do to survive.. I have no regrets.. it is what it must be.

I suck at being more than I am.. I cant pull it off. I just cant be that fake.

Oh well. I get what I deserve I guess.

Too old to look back and have regret. I did my best and when that isnt enough.. it is all I can do..so too bad for me.

I am going to finish my drink and go home.. and start the next day as I should.. new...

R
10/17/14

Death

I do not deal with death.
It is that grey area between life and what comes next.
Never been something I like to have to deal with.
I am writing this at this time because another loved one is near death.
I am not there and feel bad because I dont know what to say to those that are there.
I care deeply but dont know how to console them ... or myself.
Death has always had a different meaning to me..my beliefs and hopes are not the same ..and I can be happy when someone has lived a good life and it reaches its end.. their reward will not be known to us mortals. And maybe never realized by us in this life.
Faith in what I do not know, must be the reward they receive.
We must suffer the loss of the loved one.
Their suffering is over..and faith tells me they receive the grand reward for being the one we loved and were loved by, in our lives.
Departure is not easy on the living.. but the ones that have suffered this life are now free..or will soon be free. We must take heart in the fact that the suffering will be forgotten and the peace will over take them, once this, our existence is behind them.
Being loved by them and the ones they cared for is what we have experienced.. love transcends all.. and we can hope to follow their
became they have showed us how it is supposed to be done.
I love you.

Time

It is something no one has enough of.
Time runs out when you wish you had more.
I wish I had spent time, made time, had time..
I am afraid I will be saying good by to someone I love.
I do not know how or what to say.
Time has not reminded me that it was running away from us.
I have fo d childhood memories and many recent memories that I will never forget. I will regret not taking advantage of proximity when it was available. Time did not allow.. I did not put the proper importance on contact. I now wish I did..
Again .. I dont know what to say.. and am afraid.. to say good bye.
All I can say is I love you and am glad to know i have been a part of your family .
I am not a person that shows emotion openly.. but I will say you will be missed. And I have to apologize for my lack of contact.
I am embarassed because you are one of my favorite people.. and now time is short and I have blown it.

R 8/30/14

Life

Hello there...
Its been a bit...
First of all.. I have screwed it up.
Life got in the way of my stuff.
Work, college, work.. and stuff ... made me to busy to spend time..
Of course.. I know.. I should have made more of an effort.. but one day merged with the next..and the next.. till it was a blur.. and I had lost what I had.
Im sorry...
Not much I can say or do.. I could try to salvage... but ..it wont be forgotten..
I am not sure I could make good..
It is just bad timing..
Cause... I more alone now than ever.. I have work and tasks.. but no personal satisfaction..not much for me.. the primary work is in turmoil.. I have little evidence I am accomplishing any thing..and dont think im ever going to be compensated for what I have been doing..
Taken for granted...
Right now I am living for making Lindsey comfortable with being an adult ..but not sure who is holding on to whom...

I did something for me..but even though it was a great time..I did not get out of my shell and didnt experience all what it should have been..

I donr ever change..
And getting too old to try.

R
08/27/14

Vacation..

Yes , another... this one is for me.
I have been working too much again and so much giong on at the main job.. I really need it..
Its gonna cost me. Im guessing in a couple different ways...
But its adding up and I got to get away..
I hope things wont fall apart while im gone..
And if they do.. it isnt something thats gonna hurt too much.
Planning on leaving Sunday after dinner drop L off ..just head east.
Maybe even go thru Kansas...
Vot some stuff to do in the morn and afternoon and late evening.. so Saturday will be busy...
E is ignoring me.. again.. and J isnt being as friendly.. I am thinking that bridge is burning. Not vone but on fire..
We will see if I can meet a few miniacs in the next few thousand miles...
R 8/1/14

This where I am

Well I am as busy as I can be.
Working 16 hrs all week.. staying late at the site. Trying to fix an issue.. not getting anywhere. Going home late after a bite and a few beers.. then sleep poorly..to do it all again.. then a morning meeting on Saturday. Then a drive to Denver and pick up the kiddo and bring her back home..shopping and dinner and tomorrow up to the site again.... sent a text.. asking for company in the 3 hrs to myself.. and got no reply...
That bridge ..may be blocked...
I have stuff to do..and will do it..
Priorities.
My personal dont matter..I need to finish what I started and continue to support the lil adult I am responsible for..
Im not done yet.. and I feels like I am the one and only..
Got to do what I need to....

Have a drink.. go to sleep and get back to work...

R 7/18/14

Me

It just me.
As if that can be..
Its just me.

I am here.
I am me.
Just me.

Im not that difficult..
But some dont see
Im just me.

Some expect me to be this or that..
But if you knew me..
You would see...
I am still who I was.. me.

Dont try to change what I am..
It will disappoint every time..
Like changing spots.. it dont happen.

Me

Love me or leave me..

Me!

R 7/16/14

School

I have started down the road to the empty nest.
I moved my girl into her dorm last wednesday. And school starts on Tuesday. She's home for the weekend.. and probably the next few weekends..
She is grown up.. and slowly realizing it.
I am happy and proud. And expect nothing less fron her.
She will do well.
All my time has been getting ready for this.. and works are still busy as always. So this makes me kinda preoccupied with making sure it all goes well.
My schedules are giong to change and I will make the exceptions I must to make this work for her.

As always my personal life is in the way back seat.. but I expect that to change someday.

But I am doing this ..indirectly.. so I cannot complain.. and I wont..

This is what every Dad hopes for, that start for their child..and the knowledge that he has helped as much as he should to allow his child to move to adulthood.

I wont say I have done it all.. but the past couple years have been important and I have been there for her. As it should be.

Most people are suprised im not a wreck because she has moved out and is moving on.. but as I said before.. this is what I have been striving towards.. and she is not disappointing me.. I could not be happier.

R 7/12/14

And so it begins

Tomorrow is the day.. I drive my girl to her first apartment an hour away. She starts college in a week.
I cannot be prouder. I have helped this person become an adult.
I am as frightened as she is.. I know she has the tools to go on and discover her independance. But hopefully she will make friends and her roomates will be good friends and people that will help her grow.
I will be here for support and she will come home on weekends until life shows her more than she has known.. and it will all be good.
I can only hope she has learned what she needs and moves forward and has a good time while it happens.
I have to adjust to having the house to myself.. and being alone with the cat waiting for me to come home..

Here it comes..what ever it can be....

R 7/8/14

Reflecting

Ok.. I was reding over the past few months posts...
Much is as it has been.
Got a lot going on.. trying not to worry where the money is coming from much less where its going..
Getting some hours.. maybe getting a raise.. maybe getting more responsibilities...
Been fixing stuff.. and making headway.. and more coming as always..
Just need to make the time and get it done..
Of course, other stuff suffers.. people time and sleep..
Physically I am feeling my age.. need to make time to see the dentist and eye dr. And probably find a personal physician..
So he can tell me all ai already know.. and much I dont..
I suppose it could be worse.. I am relatively healthy.. and just need to make some time for me... work out.. excercise.. eat better.. all that ..

Make some time....

Seems to be a recurring theme..

Stuff to ponder..

R 6/25/14

Hello

More time has passed.. been busy.. life is moving forward. Spend a few days at the ocean. Swam.. sunned.. nearly drowned...
Really
But im here.. and better..
My lil one.. is good..and enjoyed her time at the beach....and the drive.
School is near. And she is ready.. I think...
Im ready.
Not sure if I am gonna get to rally in july.. its a no vaca time. But stuff is happening at work that may make it ok.. I am not sure if I can afford it.. but I should.. just because..
ISTBA is leaving me alone.. even though I keep inviting him over for a beer..

Not sure where I am.. but my mind thinks i need more.. or at least something different...

Issues are there.. and more on the horizon...

Been a week and 4 days...some me and some not..
I just have to see....

I have to get through the start of college..and see whats next..

We will see...
Ttyl..

R

Been a while

Well well...
It has been a bit.. lots of the same.. little to bitch about..
Works are works.. and my night hrs have been cut.. but still making it day to day..
Relationship wise is good.. trying not to get too busy.. but family is taking the forefront... and got to squeeze a weeks vacation in before school starts..
Equipment breakdowns and shoveling money out is keeping me hopping.. but im busy and feel pretty good..
Ive been able to help a friend in need and hope it matters.. even a little..
Im keeping the primary job in the front..and expecitng a 'monetary pat on the back' but no idea when.. it would help..
Got a week off to go to the beach..and hope it will be a great memory for us.
Lots to do before then.but ill make it..

We will see...

R 6/10/14...

April

Yes, April is now over.
I am still me.. still frustrated.. still doing the day to day..
My reason for being on this planet is now an adult. I am fine with that.. I have been living this life to get here.. she still needs me..and I am happy for that.
I am making my days count.. I have just learned of someone I just met passing on.. she was my age and is now no longer.. I feel for those she left behind.. but it makes me question my own mortality..
You have to wonder...

Any way.. I am not doing what I should on all fronts.. and cannot figure out why..
I care.. but it just dont seem like enough..

I should be happy someone cares enough to want me around.. but...

There is no greener grass.. just not all what it should be..

I am not worthy..

(Thanks Wayne's world)

..

Ill figure it out a day or two too late...

R. 4/30/14

Shall I get fired or should I quit?

What a miserable day. I started behind the 8 ball and never caught up. Finished the day getting pissed off having t try to correct an issue caused by corporate.. and said the wrong thing and got called in my bosses office for it..
My mistake.. should have kept it shut. But if im failing at both jobs.. I will end up with none.. if I quit one I wont survive..
I am working from 7:30 am till 10:00 pm all week long and not getting ahead..barely keeping afloat.. I have cut costs everywhere and it dont help..
Cut my cable bill by $75.
Ditched the $350 suport payment..
Cut the insurance bills by $40.
Cut the grocery bill in half.
But cannot end up with any surplus at the end of the month..
I had more $ before I cut any of that. ????

I am failing.. stressed and not happy.

I just agreed to a $18k loan for my kids college as a suppliment..to her loan.. and cant get her to understand she has to fill out the scholarship paperwork..

I dont get it.. who did I do so wrong to deserve this.. ??

I need a new job.
I need a new life.

Arrrrghhhh!

R
4/24/14

April 2014

Well...
Its April. . I am not the least bit surprised that this much time has passed.

Lots has happened.. and much has not.

I am making my way.. one day at a time.. trying to not make a mess of things...

L is getting ready.. I hope.. and I am getting in the mind set for being home by myself...

I would like do do stuff... but have my doubts..

I need an adam to help me break out
Like before... but can I do itm.myself...???

As they say.. time will tell...

I must keep on..

R
4/10/14

Busy...

Well, its april 2.. I took 3 work days off and drove to the Grand Canon for spring break.. it was a fun ride. 1400 miles. No issues at all. Had hotels.. no car issues.. no travel issues. Got to see another part of this country.. beautiful .. spent time with my daughter.. lots of good memories. Stayed at a great place east of the canyon.. t the camero. Trading post.. beautiful... got to go back.. the restaurant was great..and the room was good too.
Stopped at a roadside dinosaur tracks place.. saw some good stuff. Drove for 12 hrs to get home.. all great views.. an over all good drive.

Then back to work..and 3 days of catch up.. still recovering..
And of course the night job too..

Busy..busy..

R 4/2/14

Next...

Ok. I have made ot almost through the month.. its Spring.. and .. no green grass yet...
I have decided to take 3 days and a weekend off.. but have no idea what to do..
I should go somewhere.. and do something.. but a late decision and no advanced planning.. dont leave much. And of course weather inhibiting..

Its ok.. I will think of something.. a day trip or some other..

We will see..
R
3/24/14

Phone reset

This is fun.. I totally reset my phone tonight.. now lets see what's fixed and what's lost....

March 2014

Ok.. its march.. what do I have to do ??
I am slammed at one job.. and the other is cutting hours..
I dont spend enough time with my kid or my girlfriend..
It is not fair to either .. or me..
I need to take a week off of the primary ..and do something..
I need to figure out what I am doing or where I need to be..
I like where I am.. but have reservations about where I want go and where I am...
There , as always, issues with both.. and nothing new to make it easy...
Of course...
Never easy.. no not me..
Either way I end up being a jerk...

Its winter ... I should not be looking for greener grass...

I cannot settle.. well I can.. but I am not comfortable... I see issues..
And create issues..and allow issues...

Really what is a guy to do...????

ITSBA.. could be here.. and causing my grief and torment.. but he has been good.. and letting me hang myself..
I will do it.. and probably regret it..

Damn grass..
Being green and all....

Lol..

We are in the teeter-totter days of late winter.. and its hard to gauge how tbe weather is going to be.. and so the same as my life.. it could go up or down.. I. Could make a decision.. or an attempt..at something old. Or keep on.

Keeping on is good.. but.. im not reallly sure..if I need to be here...

Terrible.

I should rethink it.. it is getting near that time...

It of course could be much worse.. I could be alone... who wants that?

R 3/12/14

Please feel free.. I am a doormat.

Been a while.. just too busy.
I forgot how much time goes into trying to have a relationship and working 16 hours a day. So.. of course I think I am failing at that.
You can only hear .."I know you work hard and are busy" ,
so much before it sounds like.. ' when are you going to have time for me?'
And to top it all, my friends are asking....
Without asking....
Can we get back together?
Can you come visit?
Can I come visit?
Can I move in?
(Mind you... none of this has been said directly... just inferred)

I have received some apologies..and been told they realize how badly they treated me in the past... and how they would like to make it up to me.......
Some have voiced how miserable they are, how lonely they are... how neglected, unloved, mistreated... etc... again not to me specifically...

I am of course torn.. it sounds so wonderful... I can rescue someone I care about.. but at the expense of my current relationship that I am messing up anyway....

One friend I would just like to show that they are not as alone as they think.. another is a friendship from long ago..and would love the chance to have an adult relationship with... we are so much alike...a third, needs someone like me.. but will probably rip my heart apart when the grass looks a bit greener...somewhere else...

So much for adulthood. . Just a bunch of grownup teenagers.. with many times the baggage.. not all bad.. but baggage none the less..

I just have to keep saying.. dont mess this up..you know you can.. it would be easy...

Later..
R
3/10/14

Hello there. .been a while

So .... I have been working And trying to be a good dad and boyfriend....
Staying over busy.. and spending all in make..

Works have been nuts.. and I am riding the waves ... staying out of trouble.. but .. not seemingly to get any where.. except to the next day...
I am aware of my relationship.. but not sure if I'm doing it right.

I expect the worst.. and don't get it.. just my own mind playing tricks.. mind games if you wish..

I will have the house to my self in the next 3 days..
And will just be working another 16.and then an 8..

I have no plans.. and no requirements. .
If I am so motivated .... maybe start spring cleaning...
On call this week and next...
The main job is busy..and stressful.. the 2nd is just stressful. A little busy.. but cuts are happening... and work is there...

The girl.. ( your welcome) is as always interesting. .and not deserving of a part time boyfriend.
But we have lots of private issues. And concerns...
And just not willing to be that sharing.

Walls.. are every where. . Some are big and some are not.. but walls just the same...

I think I am damaged..
Too many things in my past.. makes me hesitant...
Just cannot get past some stuff.

If it was head over heels... it would surpass the issues..and make the hesitation go.. but its just passing time.. spending $$. And I should make that better....
But as always.. probably wont.......

Its march..and time is flying...

Till next time...
R 3/5/14
.

Feb 2014

I've been keeping the posts to a minimum. .. only because I've been busy. Losts of work.. and still paying the bills.
I've made changes to my payroll deductions. And will wait to see if it gets noticed.
I've been trying to keep my personal life moving in a good way. But works and life have been getting in the way.. I am doing my best.. I hope its enough.
I get the feeling.. im more than just that.. but not ...
I don't know how I should react to somethings... I think its a test... like the msg I just sent.. will it be answered?
We will see..
I an winding down.. after a tuesday.. but.. weather dictates going home... but I really don't want to... but I should..
I don't know where I stand.. if I am more than. .. just that.....
I could be..
ISTBA.. shhhhhh..
Lol..
I will have another... and go... nite

R 2/4/14

Work

This is the week of work.
Been called in, woke up, caught before I leave, stuck past 5.
In early, stay late. Work both jobs, and go back to the first.
Drive up and down, deal with those I have never met, figure what to do. Experience power fluxuations. Computer crashes, corporate applications, lack of permissions, computer rebuilds, requisitions, purchase orders, quotes, truck service.

Not being able to sleep.. getting up later than I wanted or too early.
Waiting for the long weekend to be over. Not that it will get normal.. I've given up on that. I just have to find that groove where I can not be so stressed.

My personal life seems to be on hold. I am not sure if it is or if she has just given up... maybe ill find out.. I have tried to go over 3 times this week.. and never timed it right. Oh well.. we will see .

R 1/31/14

Tuesday Jan 28, 2014

I am here .. where I usually am after work. Having a small bite and a couple drinks. I am unsure about what situation I am in.
Lots of work.. little time for much.. been waiting for it to let up.. it has not. One thing after another.. been too busy or just too tired.. I think I am screwing up my relationships.. and not seeing any way to fix that.. I did start ignoring all responsibility.. and spent most of my time with her.. but work and family started to suffer.. I had to get back on track.. but now I'm not spending enough time ... she's not happy .. I don't know how to change the requirements of my life.. I still have Lindsey to take care of. She will be going to college this fall.. and then ill be in the empty nest..
I still have bills and obligations.. and need to get my car right..and all the stuff that isn't ending at work1. I am looking fwd to 80 new computers and getting them all setup... (not!)... in Feb.

Got to get thru this Sunday.. and see what's next..

We can only wait and see.
R
1/28/2014

Busy

Wow.it has been a busy month ..
Works and home and cars and friends.. just not enough time in the days...
Trying to eek a bit of personal time now and then.. but got to find time to sleep. Eventualy. ..

Today was another busy one.. I dont feel like I am getting any thing done.. but running all day.. so worn out by the time I get into bed.. I actually just ant to sleep. And I do...

Its only january.. yikes.. I hope this week isn't gonna be typical..

Hang in there.

R 1/16/14

January 2014

Hi!
Yes its January.
I am more than I have been.
I am as busy as I can be.
I am still falling behind.
My car has had work needed. And done.. and I think isn't right.
My personal life is good, confusing, expensive, .. did I say confusing...
I don't want to jinx it.. but ISTBA has been keeping his distance...
I just am not sure if I am gonna ruin it..
I know I know how.. and am capable.. :(
But, I have to give it time..and take it as it comes..
I know I can make it good while it lasts..

Got to keep looking ... and make sure there isn't any large potholes in this road I'm on...

R 1/14/14

New year.. 2014

Hello all..
Sorry I've been so silent.
Been a busy end of the year.
My buddy ISTBA.. has been staying away.. I've been enjoying the company of a nice girl and trying to keep work and home moving along.
Been paying bills and working as usual but been trying to have fun and behave at the same time.

Saw R the other day, sent gifts to E. And have been generally feeling ok..

Lots going on at works and trying to take it day to day.. so far so good.

The holidays were good.. expensive but good.

I'm going along with what ISTBA was saying..and taking it slow. .

But enjoying what I have.
Not taking it for granted..

Work 1 will make the changes as we go and I have to roll with it.

Happy new year.

1/7/2014