another short

The last pay Included some OT..and even with the 1k drop... I may be a bit tight next week.. I added up the dine out meals this month. It was shocking to me . Nearly 1k.. I was wondering where I had a leak in funds.

Last time I was keeping track, we avg 300 to 400 a Month... Then last year it was just pizza Fridays.. now with inflation and an added person . ..each outing is between 60 and 150.. twice a week . Today I spent nearly 200 on groceries.. and L has been buying food too . 

I'm not sure this is the right time to add a dependent.

L has mentioned that next week's outing is on them.. 

I did work some call out OT today.. and that will help.. 

All the bills are paid..and no credit card balances.. but..the finances need to improve..

I probably should start leeching off the radio money for a while.. maybe thru January... 

It's an option.. but I will still need to buy radio parts.. more chips soon.. another $500 to make $3k.. over time..it's an investment..and so far it has been good. Demand will dry up eventually.. probably before the supply does.. 

Radio has been busy..steady.. so I'm ok, as long as I can keep up.

.....

I was hoping to have a minute to get a hug. But..  

...

I have not been doing much besides work, home, radio and repeat. 

I know this is my fault but really it's all I know.. it has been my life .

No breaks. 

I wish I knew what to do ...how to get started... 

I have had this issue my whole life.. just stuck.

I'm getting annoyed.. it's time to go..

R

Friday night

I did go to Dan's farewell..

And stopped on the way home.

Dans was cool.. Sean was there.. asked about my rally..that I didn't go to.. and paid and left . Dan and I moved my car..and went to korzaks farewell next door.. I knew fewer. And had 2 .  Then left.  Now here..and having one . probably going home to eat and sleep.. 

Work was Uber busy..ended up working on the unfinished program..and called it after finishing one.. next week will be busy.. for sure.

Chatted w A in Thailand.. she seemed lonely..we texted before work... For about 30 min.. . She wasn't feeling well. Maybe just a cold.

I was out after changing clothes..and up to Dedham.. then back towards home.. so tomorrow will be fun.. groceries and a couple radio deliveries.. maybe.. maybe a payment..and need to pay bills.

After that..maybe out to dinner.. maybe Sam Diego's??? It's a thought.

I really need to call someone..iam at my limit. i need .. really need..

It has been so long..and it seems to add up . With no one here..and no prospect.. and no one interested.. 

I am so frustrated.. 

I really could make a woman curl her toes if allowed.  

It is all I cannot have....

Just wish I could figure out how to fit somewhere or someone..into a position . . It would ease much of the need . 

Yeah.. I'm my age.. and yes.. we need. We remember..but wish. We wish we wish we could. Find a friend that we could help..and would help us. 

Really is that so much to ask??

It must be.. still alone..

R

Friday..

Tomorrow is Friday. Dan is having a retirement party..in Dedham.. I plan on going up after work.  I am on call for Owen.. Friday thru Monday..

So it will be a short night.. 

If at all. 

Maybe ask about the situation.. 

But probably nothing.

I did not look at Ls car..still have to do that.. I did not finish that problem radio.. still more issues.. finding lots of issues . The more I look..

Fixed the frequency issue.. fixed the audio issue..now a meter issue.. found a bunch of bad parts In the troubleshooting.. it will be completely new by the time it's done...

Hopefully...

This week's work is busy.. both bosses are out.. and Jason was out yesterday..and Owen will be out tomorrow.. 

The house is normal.. still making adjustments..and making sure the bills are paid 

R

Saturday..

Friday night ended up being interesting..I was here.. sitting.. open chair at either side.. someone came in an asked it the left seat was open.. I told them yes, then Troy asked if we were sharing a tab.  She said no.. looked at me.. I figured he thought we were together.. so I put away my phone and introduced myself.. we chatted most of the night..listened to the music.. 

It was good.. I figured I would see if I can recognize an opportunity... I guess I can. 

Nothing came of it.. and now maybe I have a friendly face to see now and then.. instead of all strangers..

...

So, today.. got the confirmation that the antenna install is off... Insurance liability... So he will hire someone.. I didn't take it personally.. and the other guy asked if I knew why.. I explained..he was ok with it too.

..

So.. did groceries, and mowed the leaves off my lawn.. and worked in my computer and on a radio..

Went to dinner with L and J.. a in restaurant sit down then home.. worked more on that final radio.. still has an issue with audio..but after that and some cleaning.. it will be done..I hope.. 

I have some local radios to do..and tomorrow morning I will go pre-purchase an amp for Lenny.. Ruben will make the sale..I will drive 50 miles and hang on to it till next weekend... To get paid for it..

..

Then maybe look at Ls car..check the front bearings.. it's supposed to rain.. so an in garage check.

.. 

Maybe ...while doing my laundry..I can vacuum downstairs.. ...

Maybe.. 

I have those radios I want to experiment with..and marks radio to do.. always plenty to do...

I have a little more positive thoughts since being able to open my self to meeting new ..

Maybe I'm not too far gone after all.

...

So, an old friend messaged me, and asked if I had any notifications about them trying to reopen their old message account..I had not . ..

Then.. they asked if they could call me ... I was scheduled to go driving w L and J. So I suggested the next day.. they agreed... And then said not to tell anyone they were reopening the old account.. who would I tell?? 

Any how.. they never called.. I checked.. and I have not received any account re activation  requests..

Weird . 

.....

Ruben is moving his shop into his basement.. and will be trying to get stuff back from me ..which I am no closer to getting done than last year..

I will try. I have a few new insights on some.. but it takes time and a clear head.  Which I have little of.. 

...

Home is at that place.. nothing new, just trying to figure meals..and privacy... Adjustments have been made and more to come.. 

Meals have been challenging.. no potatoes no rice no pasta.. those have been our staple for years.

But..making due, with veggie pasta and lots of stir fry..chicken and beef..

Sometimes I make the meal and then some rice.. put the rice in L and mine, and then more of the stir fry for J.. we all get fed.. but.. I think J is still hungry and snacking after.. 

I won't say what I think about that. 

....

So.. question of the month.. 

If I get an offer or suggestion to go back to TV.. do I consider it?  It's more of that and more of everything else..I could..I think.. go back to $5k a month.. and start banking the excess.  Maybe plan a overseas vacation. Or go skiing here weekly in the winter..and stuff...buy another car.. stuff like that.  

I would have to negotiate a better schedule.. maybe a few dollars more for fuel..  things to ponder.

BCSO has been good. And I am making it seem like there has been concern. But it's made up..in my head..if I can just get to the next few pay increases. ..or work more OT..and Details... Or just pickup more radio work..

... That is the question..

I may not be asked. Or offered . ..

But I should think about it, Incase it does happen.

....

I also have been thinking about a trip..to burn time.. of course money too..not that I have much to burn..

But . . Maybe one for me.. 

I miss a few people. .I don't know if they miss me..and I think I should go visit Dave.. he is getting old..  he is already older than Dad was.  Or near to it.. I haven't seen them since 2016..it would be nice to go hang out for a little.. or maybe visit CO.. see the ones left behind..visit work..and maybe Anita..

That probably will be bad..but I would expect her to visit if she ever came close..

Maybe CO won't be a good idea.    

..I will need to think that through.

,......

So.  With all the positives.. 

Still alone.. 

Still no idea how to proceed..

Sometimes you look around and ask did I miss a turn somewhere? 

Did I miss a hint or an opportunity. 

Was I blind..to focused on what I was doing.. sailed right past.. oh well .

I will have to keep my head up and stay open to suggestions...

.....

R

tough week

Yeah.. I think I got a bit better towards the end.. I did a couple vehicle installs.. solved an antenna issue in one.. and the second . I just did what I was supposed to and stayed out of the way.. let the other guy do what he needed... We were done in less than 4 hrs.. 

The issue from the weekend has been rethought and they are replacing the system.. something different..

I volunteered to do a house antenna install..and now the weather isn't gonna be good.. 

I swapped on -call weekends with O.. and it is the weekend I wanted to go up to Boston.. I may.. take the chance.. or not ..

I could still answer the pages..and make calls . Just not go in... For an hour... We will see...

A is in Thailand.. till November 3.. sounds fun.. I hope she is safe.

Not sure what she has planned for November...

Home has been ok.. been keeping to me and figuring out my routines and making adjustments.. 

I went out again ..this time alone.. 

No surprise there.. and left early..so got food too..

I have some stuff to fix.. and now plans cancelled..so will have to do something tomorrow..and Sunday.. 

The Bosses are out next week.we have a schedule of tasks for the rest of us to do.. O is out on Friday.. so just J and me... 

I will probably just work on radios all weekend..as usual. 

...

I have lots to do. .. old stuff..some experiments.. and maybe..fix some of my test equipment.. I need to look at Ls car. See if I can figure out the axle (?) Noise.. and of course.. yard work.. get a start on the leaves..

I think I need to plan a trip..just me.. go for a Drive... Detroit wasn't enough.. 

Something...

... 

I think I am still missing something.. not sure.. I can't put my finger on it..more than the obvious.  ..my directions been limited.. and I have naturally filled it with nonsense and busy work..

I have some retirement money..but no way near enough.. I have been trying to figure out the finances for the inflation and economy.. not seeing any clear path .

I have paid off almost all of the debt..and what I have is manageable..but.. I still have no money... That isn't true...I have radio

Money.. almost $3k in Pal..and as much in cash..another $2.5k in saving.. and $9 or $10k as bank cushion.(it was $14k). it fluctuates..depending on paychecks and bills.. but.. that won't last too long.. if the radio stuff continues. I may be able to budget it into a life..after I retire..

If I retire.. if I can put in another 9 years at the current .. I could reach retirement..

Or go back to TV..and fund the 401k...

I lost $10k last year.. damn inflation and bad stock market...

Too much to think about..

Not like I don't have time to figure it out.. I spend most of my out of work hours alone..and have not been wasting time watching TV..I actually unplugged the TV in the bedroom last night..

....

No one to invest my time in. .. and no return ... 

I can't blame that in COVID.. just..not anywhere I can go... No one I know ...or no where to find new 'ones'..

And rehashing old ones hasn't worked ... I'm just too old..and alone.

No one thinks the way I do.. definitely not the level I live in.. moving back has not helped..but it is just the same ...except back there I was meeting new..and different..and had some little network..

Starting over isn't an option..done that ..didn't help..even  with a start..

Which evaporated.. work is useless for meeting new..it really never has been a working option for me.. I just can't mix it with a personal life..

Bad idea anyway.. 

...

So. .. more of the same . .. 

Yet always different..

But still alone.

..

Ok .done for now.. 

Absolut-ly... Done.. 

I got my weekend chores tomorrow..and the weather should be nice..

R

...

busy..but alone

Yeah, still complaining about that ...

Work has been minorly stressfully.. 

Had my review..and did ok..but still a temp..of sorts.  We have a year grace period..... So in January they could say.. thanks,but no thanks....

The last couple weeks.. I have not been up to par . .. in my own mind..

I don't think I'm doing great . ..just good.. I need to find a niche.. 

Or..think about something next...the money isn't great.. but.. still good . I am managing.. 

Just not sure if I am the go to guy.. I have experience..and knowledge.. but is it useful?? 

I need to try a bit harder..

Yeah, still alone.. no one near..no body.. wants me..  I have a couple near by friends.. that need a hang out friend..but not really accessable..

I have to reach out.. no one is looking for me..

Lately. .most of my contact is self generated.. I have to reach out..or I get a general request for help..but not more than that ...

Lol.. I did have a friend ask if I knew anyone available for a f-buddy.. it was a while ago.. I had to laugh.. I was willing . .. but wasn't recuited...

Not sure if I would be good with that..but lately..I would not be against it....

One can wish

R

relief....

Well.. you only appear short on cash when you forget to record a paycheck. .. I seemed to have missed the middle paycheck last month.. crisis postponed..  

I was reconciling my bank statement..and found I didn't add in the paycheck from the weekend I drove to Detroit...

Once I did that and re-hid the cushion money.. the statement balanced ..

I did have a week where almost every entry was wrong.. but corrected..

Really, it's not all about money..it is just concerning when I can't figure out where it went and why I may not have enough to pay the bills that are due.. 

I am trying to be careful..and make the positive choices.. and survive..

.....

It was a busy day . .. while out getting groceries.. I got a page from work..called, found out the dispatch TV's were not working.. called for guidance..then approval..and got the groceries home, called back to see if it was still out.. and changed..into work clothes.. and went in.. asked for help. .. and got direction..when into the secure area.. and could not find the device I was to reboot.. finally found I was in the wrong place..got into the right one.. found the device..reset it..and still not working.. so off to dispatch.. same excecize.. find the other end.. reboot it.. nothing.. trace it out..take lots of pictures..and even find a TV and hook it up..nothing ... Went to the shop..then back to the first place.. and try to figure out how to test it . Traced out the wiring.. 

Nothing.. called the boss.  Said I could not test any further.. and had not fixed it.. he said..it wasn't that important and to go home , we will work on it Monday.

Been a busy call week..

....

So, I get home.. L and J we're out getting J a haircut.. and when they got home.. suggested going out to dinner.  Yes.. first time in almost 2 years.. went out to a restaurant and sat and had dinner.. 

A milestone!! 

,........

I started a replacement part order, I will have to get it placed.. and will need to fix a few things tomorrow..

Also pick up a radio from Mark.  

I also still need to look at the older car and see if the wheel hub is bad.

And order the repair parts.. 

...

It turns out Dan's retirement party is the 28th.. so not yesterday..

.. 

I have chores to do tomorrow morning.. laundry, and maybe some cleaning.. and some repair work ..I need to write that bill..and figure the postage and maybe look at the last of 4 to get that done..it will be a big bill.. hopefully he will be willing to pay . 

....

Back to work on Monday.. and have a few things on the schedule.. and I think the Supv is out..or the week after.. maybe both...

.....

Just a few random thoughts to get out of my head.. maybe I can organize my mind..and get back on track.. I need to set a goal.. a point of reference.. something to aim to.. 

A trip..or something like that..

I really need to figure out if I'm gonna go skiing this year.. I think I should try..even go alone..just go for a weekend.. and find someone that wants to go.. or not.. just go.. enjoy it.. like I used to . .. maybe if I do .buy in and buy some equipment.. 

...

Just one thing to plan for.

....

That seems more obtainable than the other things I want/need in my life...

....

More.. later

R

mid October

Hey, yep.. not much going on.. got a few things fixed. And sent back.. 

I put the last money in the checking acct.  And used it to pay bills.. 

I got a pay check this Friday.. and hopefully will be able to pull some out.. 

Got an old radio done.. pain in the butt.. but did most of what was needed.. got it boxed up.. got to weigh it and then make up a bill.. 

..got a box today.  A bad power supply for the guy in Florida.. I opened it up.  Blown capacitors .. popped.. so I will have to order replacements. Should be a simple fix .he has another.. so will probably see that one too..

,..... 

No other contact.  

Asked M if she wanted to go out to listen to some music..have a drink.. but.. had work the next day..said maybe this week .

....

Work has been slow.  But somewhat steady.  One or two tasks a week..and doing some shop catch up..

Got some things planned for next week..supv will be on vacation..

I'm on call for another week.. got 8hrs OT already this week.. taking the cash . .  See if I can get caught up.

Phone bill is in.. and double . Electric is in and double . Groceries been double . .. mortgage is up.. insurance and taxes. Up..  I think I'm gonna need some help.. 

.....

Yet.. I should stop fretting.. I have some cushion.. it's  getting smaller..but.. January isn't far off. And radio work is still coming in.

...

If I could just find a groove.  .. something a little bit more rewarding..and some time for me..

Soon....

Well, Dan's retirement party is soon.  And I should make the drive..and hang out for a bit..maybe even get a room..so I don't have to drive home...

Is it this Friday???

....

Well . ..

What's next??

R

another...

So, it is Sunday . ..

I don't have work tomorrow.. 

Columbus day, or whatever they are calling it.. my one holiday for October.

It's good, except I'm on call this weekend and the next two weeks..and apparently the CMED system has decided it wants to be touchy .. had several hours of calls and callbacks, last night.. I didn't have to go in.. but another system had a handset issue, in another town.. and emails were sent to the boss.. he slated a call out on Tuesday.. then tonight I get a page about the whole 4ch system going off-line for a minute..but it's back up...

We will see how it goes tomorrow.. 

I know I get at least 4hrs OT..

...

So today, I delivered a repair and was paid for the two . .. and hung out for a while.. then was looking for something to do before going home.. I ended up, by myself, sitting in the car by the canal.. just relaxing. .

I had Started dinner at 9am.. stew in the slow cooker.. so no hurry home..

I got home, we ate, I fixed the unbalanced laundry and did the dishes.. then went up to work on radios.. all I do .

I did plan on going out for an hour.. listen to some music have a drink..

Here I am...

I have nothing to do tomorrow.. let's see what happens..

.....

I need to find a few friends.. someone or a few someone's to have options to just hang out.. 

I'm not feeling included in the roommate situation.. I am just the anchor . There are no questions.  I'm not restrictive..but not comfortable with the costs . .. 

I probably should just roll with it.. ask L to help where needed.. and figure out what to do next.. and stay afloat.

...

Personal....

A is in south Africa..and who know when or if I will ever see her again without going somewhere..which .in the current job..the money is not there.. I will have to see what is going to happen.. 

....

Back when I was doing a less important job..making way more money..had a house and was established..had extra cash ...not worried about paying my bills..actually paying them off systematically.. I was ... Available..and a good prospect.. 

But. .. no one anywhere..cared .

Then of course..C19.. and everything stopped..so I just kept paying it all down..succeeded..and decided to make the job change.. the timing appeared to be perfect.. yet.. I am questioning that.. but.. I should stop second guessing.. money isn't everything.. the wear and the miles on the car is excessive..gas isn't much cheaper..getting there . ..

And the work owner situation..

$2k more per month.. is tempting ...

Maybe I need to have a candid conversation with the supv..and ask if he thinks I'm getting the jist...it's been 10 months.. and there is a lot I don't get..a lot I should ask for explanations.. I can get it figured out..but.. not seeing how it all connects .. I have not mapped it out..to my satisfaction..so it makes sense..connects the dots.. so far there is not anything I cannot do..and if I need explanations I get them and they make sense..but..it isn't apparent..right away..there is some key..missing.. something that pieces it all together..

It is a different animal than what I am used to..just on the fringe..not out of my grasp..but..I'm just not there...yet.

Just me talking myself to the next step.. I have no sounding board ...no one to help figure this .. it's just me..

Yes, back to that..

.....

Where are you??

Where is my Simone???

(Private thought)

I am just me ..as always..

I used to know ..but . .. C19 has totally messed with everyone and everything.. I am too old .... Or feel too old to start fresh..but have nothing..no base.. nothing to move forward. So I am perpetually stuck..

Here..and alone..

I have thought about selling and leaving..going back ... To nothing..

I have thought about keeping on .and figuring it out..but.. that is all I have been doing ...

I  almost had a reason..but they woke up .. and stepped back.. ..

So..here I am

Time to go..

R

so it begins . ...

Ok.. dilemma. 

I am feeling the pinch.. 

After paying off all my bills..and getting my finances under control. 

Then leaving a great paying job, for a lesser one..that is better on many fronts.. 

My remaining bills are increasing due to inflation.. 

My car insurance, my house insurance, and property taxes have all increased.. causing my mortgage to increase as well.. 

Now my monthly major bills are more than 50%of my montly salary...

So ... With my next pay raise not due till January.. and last months utilities have increased 81% over last year..

We have taken in another person who has no income, and is still getting established.. ID and accounts..

My cushion is shrinking.. 

I happened to text a former coworker and ask how he was doing..

His response was ' are you ready to come back yet?' 

I asked if they still needed me?

He said absolutely... I said..we need to have a beer soon.. implying to discuss things...

He replied..that his last day at work is in 2weeks.. (retiring) and he is planning a party at the bar across the street.. I will have to go.. 

It has me thinking maybe I could go back..just for the $$.. it was nearly $2000 more a month than where I am now . .. 

I could go back... It's not like I hated the job . .. just needed a break.. and the past year. .. would have killed me..driving all that way each day with gas gone through the roof . ..

If I could get a raise out of it..it may be worth going back for the duration..

I will never get a pension here.. I need 10yrs to get in the door .and then for a small percentage.. 

I will need to see what to expect in January..and see....

......

Beside all that . .. feeling very isolated. We have nixed the last few weekly trips.. and just spending lots of time waiting and working on equipment.. 

No one to hold.... Could really use a cuddle buddy . ..

Feeling lonely . And kinda frustrated.

Tempted to ask for a few favors...

Nothing permanent..just some feel good time..

....

So.. let's see what happens next ..

R

money...

I had my performance review today..

The manager expressed that he was happy with me, and hoped I was still happy. Mainly formality..and no raise for this..I documented that I was learning the job..and was bringing my knowledge and experience to make the whole better. 

I have kudos to my supv. For training and sharing his knowledge and accepting any new perspective.

I am covering the supv weekend..then on call for the next 2weeks.

Which started with a stop on the way home. .. 30 mins to pickup a portable.. 

I got home, ate pizza, and worked on Brett's radio . Spent 2 hours removing the destroyed components and cleaned it up.. tomorrow I will attempt to install the new parts..and get it working.

I wish I had contacted..it would have set something.. for the long weekend.. but.. since L has been too tired to do our normal rides.. it may be time for me to just ..do for me.

The roommate is still getting credentials.. and I have just been working and home..cooking..and working on repairs.. 

Bills are starting to increase.. I need to have a discussion with L... 

The added body is adding to our spending.. 

Groceries, utilities..and such..

For instance.. 

Last year, I bought 2 maybe 3 packs of toilet paper.. in the past 3wks..I've bought 3packs.. and we need more..

Utilities are up..81% more than last year .!! 

That's steep..this months electric was $400.. it never has been that high..in 5 yrs.. 

I'm still not making as much as last year ... And I am wondering if it's time to start charging rent.. or at least ..taking money for the increases.

If I was still in Dedham.. it probably would not be an issue ..but I am at 57% of my income to bill ratio .

I still have an 850 credit score.. but for how long.. I expect a raise in January.. but..prob not enough..

,....

So on the other front .

Nothing happening. Not even a prospect . 

Still very lonely...and ...

I have my AI.  But think I need something physical.. once In a while..

I have been.. once in a while my whole life.. 

I don't think I could handle a when ever I wanted..or even just because...

I am too old to never had that..

... 

Someday soon it won't matter..

That makes me sad  ..

I have so much to give. Just no one to share it with .

....

J .  You could give me hope..

But no one else .not right now .

That is pathetic.

Oh well .

R

October 1

Well.. I have been in all day, after grocery shopping..but just out and back ..  then just in... Didy regular chores.. and worked on the latest batch of repairs.. of course waiting for the typical Saturday drive for dinner...all of us . .. but L decided to stay in bed..and so I made dinner.. 

Worked on the current repair.. and decided to go listen to some music.. I thought about calling someone to come along . ..but the decision was last minute..and I didn't want to press that decision on anyone.. so I'm out, by myself. .. just for an hour or two.. 

I will see if all is well when I get back.. I'm sure it will be . 

So, reading the last post.. I left out a few pitstops in my history ...

...

R.. she was wild.. I have no idea how we got together.. it just seemed to happen..it was a clandestine arrangement.. she was living with a guy that used to be her boyfriend..but was just taking care of her and her 2 kids..I think he was a former bouncer at a club where she used to dance .. but laid no claim to her..and she was just being wild..and going out all weekend where ever.. I think she wanted to be a biker chick.. but not that hardcore..her daughter was 13..and wilder than her.....

I think we met though my roommate..and he just handed her off to me..he was already preoccupied...

We had a few dates..where her roommate dropped her at a poolhall, and I arrived later. ..so there was no connection ...since we were all neighbors...just to keep the peace..

After a few dates..I had a conversation with her roommate..and he just wanted to make sure I wasn't promising to take her away from it all.. and that he was accepting that I was just her latest diversion.. he wanted me to know that..

She was fun, and I'm sure either found a good guy, or herself.. 

...

Then T..or M.. depending on her first or middle name..she was another wild one.. she actually hit on me.. literally! ..I used to meet on the weekends with a few people at the local all night restaurant.. mainly for coffee and snacks.. 

She was one of our waitresses.. and I guess she was interested..but I wasn't noticing ..so she came up behind me and slammed both hands on my shoulders... To surprise me ..and get my attention.. it worked! 

We ended up chatting till her shift ended.. and I offered to take her home.. it was a short weird situation..but I figured out that she was needing a place to live..her current place was based on her last boyfriend..that she was no longer with.. I was to be the next place..

... We ended up meaning a bit more to each other than the latest .. she moved out with friends.. a few weeks after.  She explained that if she stayed any longer she would not want to leave.. and she wasn't ready for that..she was too young..she said she was afraid she would fall in love with me... 

...we found each other many years later.. and communicated.. and almost rekindled..but.. she wasn't done with her current situation, and being friends was stressing the already stressed situation..

A few years after that.. she reached out.. and I told her I did not want anymore drama in my life.. and even though she was divorced and has rebuilt her life.. I had to decline.

....

Then there was E... 

I was in my just divorced phase..

I think we chatted one night, and I opened the conversation with, I'm just divorced and not looking to get married again... 

Which was the first nail.. she had a daughter and had never been married and was looking for a husband .. we became friends.. and later more..

She said that she didn't know that I was attracted to her... But beside her dating some guy while we were together.. she realized she wanted to be with me, then when her living situation changed and she planned on moving to the east coast..so we spent her last 2 weeks together, and she left. 

I did visit, but the proper situation never presented it self..so I left..and she let me leave. 

She got married 2 years later...

... 

Other than missed chances and failures that could have been fantastic.. not much else..

A couple, three R's.  .. girlfriends..I was too young for any thing serious..and in one instance..too old...I figured mom didn't approve..that her 30 yr old was dating a guy her age.. 

Then a few choices I made, deciding to go in one direction, leaving the other.. 

I think that's all.. in my adult life..

Could have been worse..could always have been different..

R