Cold..

Been a typical Monday. The temp has dropped. Less than half what it was all weekend. I spent a few hours outside..working on the gate at work. The sun was out but it was cold.

Sunday..after our chores.. L asked to go for a ride.. we headed I to the mountains.. ended up driving 2 and a half hours for pizza. Then drove back. It was nice.. it was dark and cold.. but a mountain ski town.. pretty lights. . It flurried a bit over the pass..but didnt snow till late..they got 5" over night.

This morning I got a text from work..someone was not gonna make it in.. I called the guy on duty...he was ok with working 3hrs OT..
The fill in would be In at 10.. on his sheduled vacation day...

I have not been sleeping well.. sore.. lots of dreams.. mostly about work.. stress in my head...
I worked on stuff tonight... I need to finish them up.. maybe make a few dollars...
I am considering selling my project car.. I think its time to unload it..
I dont have the time or resources to do what I wanted.. plus I have been paying insurance and tags and it just sits.. I will try again later..maybe.. one less thing to move.
Plus..I think I can make a few dollars..
And save a few too.. win win.

I looked for a map route to get home on Sunday.. and punched in my home address.. and one of those real estate sites came up...
My house is worth $50k more than I thought..more than I bought it for... about $90k more than I owe.!!!
I think it may be time...
A sign!
My home mortgage company called me Sunday. . Asking for the hundredeth time if I want to refinance my good loan...
It just may be time.

I think with the current work situation.. I need to look outside of my current employer..and see what is where I want to be..
As I said before.. the signs are pointing to 'get out' .. now before it all falls apart.

I must look.
I won't know what is out there..if I don't look.
Of course..there are other things I could do..
This place..the one I am at.. is not the only I can do.
I am not afraid of new challenges...
I have time..to do more.


I wish I was not busy...Sunday.. I really wanted to chat..to talk with someone who knows me.
I miss that type of connection.
You have no idea.

I have things in my agenda.. things I need to do..want to do..
Some deals with proximity..some work related.. most are stress relieving. .. things I would do to lessen the day to day weight..something I would do..to keep the smile on faces..mine and others.

A few things that would make me happier..and others happier too.
To be more accessible. . Available. .. and to have others available to me. Right now... I do not have anyone readily available. . It is a process..
Not anyones fault .. but mine...
I am here.. my fault.. I was trying..............
My mistake.
One I did ... for home and family...

I was played. .

Not that has ever happened before...
I don't learn.. I think...others are looking for someone to spend the rest of their life with... not for the next opportunity. .the next sucker..
Yes.. I feel..I have been the target. . More than once.. recent and in the past.. I was the dupe.. much to my heartache...

I became jaded
..I was lost..

Guess what..
I am still lost.
I know what I want..
I am .. right now.. not there...
Go figure.

Ok..

I am sitting here.

I am stuck.
Money wise..

I need to fix this.
I can.

I will

For me.

Yes.. I need the hugs.. that come with the friends that have figured me out.

I did this to myself..
I am sure some therapist could help me.. decipher.. this.

But.. in the end.. I am just me..a simple .. yet.. complicated.. guy..
I do not even understand.
I dare anyone...to help me..

But....
Know this I will help you.
And me....

R 12/5/17

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