I need a new keyboard

This new phone has a weird placement of the period .. It is next to the space bar . when I hit it it does a period instead of a space .. It is annoying.
I am trying to get used to it.
I just need to find a new keyboard application.

So... Other than fighting rouge apps on my phone.. I have been working on my trip. I contacted.. L's aunt.. And asked if we can stop by. Probably to go to dinner and visit. She was very happy! It will delay our travel for a few hours.. But very worth it. L's best relative on her moms side.
It has been a while. Since L graduated high school. So it is overdue.
It is 4hours from our destination.. And it will be worth the delay.

I am happy to be able to visit. To be able to just go..
I miss my friends.. Family.. And the ocean.. This will be in winter..and more of a real trip.   I do need to investigate work options.. But the holiday weeks and end if the year is not the optimum time.
I do will just have to limit my times to visiting friends and family.
No sacrifice there.

Hey!
I miss all the contact..
I wish I could fix it.
Maybe I will.
If it is up to me.. I should do something.

I have had so many flags.. Alerting me to why I should not hesitate .
Now is the time.

Yes.........
I will hold you.

All I want to say..here.

I heard a song on the radio tonight..
I raised my water..and said.. I won't break her heart..

I miss you.. As do everyone that loved you.
I am not you..never could be.
I am not that smooth...never could be... But I am real.
And I feel and try to express my feeling not only here but in
My life .
This is the season ..when you left.
It was too soon.
I wish i was a better friend.
But we had our lives..and touched base.. Every now and then..
We shared parenting advice...
I was unaware of your struggles.. I always knew of your love .. And devotion.. But you were taken too soon. And will forever be
Missed.
You were my brother.
And always will be.

Sorry... I am not sure why I got in this place..

Other than.. I am sure you would approve.

I miss you.. Big brother..

OK.. This is the time of year.
We think of those that have left. 
You are not forgotten.

R 12/18 /17

Saturday

I was up early ... Went back to sleep and got out of bed at 10..
Did my Sat chores .. Went from the grocery store to the barber..
Got home.  And called the groomers
.. Can't take the cat in because I don't have don't have his current shots.
So.. Fret over how to do this...
A little catnip in his food.
Figure out where and how.
Ended up.. Downstairs. I put a tub of warm water in the bottom of the shower.
Got the combs and brushes and towels and wash cloth.. Picked up the cat and walked him in and closed the door.
I started with combing him.. Went to combing with a wet comb.   Then a wet brush.. He was OK.. Actually purring.
I finally wet a wash cloth.. And held on and grabbed a hand full of fur and crap.
He protested.. And then I went back to combing and brushing..
Eventually.. I scruffed him and set him in the tub of water.. He hissed.. But no scratching. I went back to combing out his tail.. Got a but more..
After an hour of this.. He was done..
I let him alone.. And cleaned up .. Then let him out.
He was pissed.. He was in my room.  Cowering.. Watching me.. I left him alone. When I came back.. He was attempting to clean himself more.
But for a toothless cat
Pulling the knots and matting is probably impossible.. Why he got so bad in the first place.
Poor guy.
But he is a bit better.
Not done.. But better.

So.. I have booked my hotels for my outbound trip..
I will book the return when we decide how and when we are coming back.

I have paid my bills thru the last week of the year..except the phone bill. .. I'll get that next week.. Then its just travel money and expenses.

I have worked 12 hr days for the past 2 wks.. Trying to get caught up.
I am close.. But I have 3 days.. The rest is on my assistant. I gave him 3 months with out being on call.. And any day or half day he needed..wanted. .

I am almost ready to drive a 30hr 2000+ mile drive in winter.. Yes..I will stop.. And do 10 - 12 hour legs.. It will be fun!

Then its friends and family visits for a couple weeks. 

I have really not prepared for this trip other than looking at routes and hotels.
I have hinted to family that I may be in town soon..

I have made no appointments or plans.

It will be really good to see a few people again.. Plus New England in winter.
I cannot wait!

As always.. I need to cash in on some hugs.. As well as some real face to face chat time.

Soon..

R12/17/17

Tough week.. Almost done

It was a long day.. 12 hours..no lunch break.. Outside as well in the cold.
..for a few hours...but we got the gate done.
I processed many invoices.. And have several tasks for  tomorrow.
I had a long conversation with the local business admin.. Things are a bit messed up in that area.. Hopefully not more trouble on the horizon.

I still need to figure out how to wash the cat.. He is in serious need ..
I am planning on calling a groomer..and paying to have him a spa day.
I think that is the only way.
I have to do that this weekend.

I have to plan my trip.. Add a couple stops.. Book a room or two.

I need to rewrite my resume.

I was given a few bits of station swag.. That will be perfect for my vacation.
I have not purchased anything for L.. Other than a new laptop.. I don't know what she wants or needs.. I think she is..accepting the trip as part of the Holiday..
I hope she will enjoy it.
She never complains she is such a good kid.

Me.. I am excited to get away.
I want to enjoy the drive.. I will do 10 hours the first day.. Get up earlyish and drive another 10..or so. That will put us close.. In time to arrive either Friday eve or Saturday.. I have to map it and book rooms..
Once we arrive.. I have to. Contact family..and set up visits.
Some have never met L..some have not seen her in many years. so it will be fun.

I will be happy to cash in a few needed hugs.
I should also do some networking..maybe place a few resumes..

Planning.. I usually don't plan too much..just go and enjoy having little or no structure..be flexible.  It may end up that way.  But none the less.. It is what I need. For me.

I miss my friends so much.. The time zones have fought against me more so this year.. To be able to be close.. In person.. It will be good.

I am drifting.. Still.. No anchor.. No destination. A sight..glimmer on the horizon.. A target.. But with no means of propulsion.. No wind for my sail..
I hope to figure out what to do in 2018. Wants .. Wishes.. Needs.. Obligations..
I am no longer a kid... I do not get to have the exception of being new..
I should know what to do.. Where to be.. How to get there..
It isn't a taught thing..but an experienced thing.. With out experiencing it you just don't know.. The reality of it.
We figure this out too late in life.. The previous generations..either keep it a secret. Or don't think it needs to be explained..or maybe just don't know it happens..  Yet..here we are..no longer young and carefree..just old and careless.. Or care less.. For some.
The rest of us.. Struggle and lament..
Some get rude awakenings..some get thrust into a situation that never should be.. Survive and harden..or melt..  Some renew..become more aware than before... Learn how to be themselves.. Not without recognizing their flaws... Some more critical than they should be.. And need reminders..to not be that way. Reminders that the struggle is real..and recognized.. Appreciated .. If you...in your vulnerable.. Weak state.. Step up..not wilt..rise to the challenge.. Shine.. Yet weep.. Not  a Stone but a willow.. Bends but don't  break.. Strong but flexible.. Comforting yet wise..
Yes.. A willow.

Nature has lessons for us..if we look.

So.. On that..
I will close..

Hugs to those that deserve them..need them.. Want them..
And..everyone else.

R 12/15/17

Vacation..so needed.

Oh yes. I need one. I have earned it. Hopefully the boss will approve it. I picked the same time he is going to be out..
I decided on a road trip for me and L.
I will pace the drive through the week..
I have turned 7day vacation into almost 2weeks with holidays and weekends. It will be a great stress reliever.
I will be among friends and family.
Home.

I decided to just do it. The hell with the cost.. Sanity is worth more than that. The constant stresses are really weighing on me.. The deal I made to rescue my assistant.. Cost me some of my mental state.. I relied on a friend that wanted more of me.. And it was just not meant to be.
I severed that tonight. No misinterpretations.. I am .
   I have no one local.. But.. End of the year.. Time for changes.

I looked at postings. Outside of the conglomeration.. There are more than a few that would fit.. Where I want to be. .. Or close ..

I have had so many kicks in the head this past month.. Wake up moments..
Realizations.. Thing's are falling in place..
I just need to apply it and act.

I know several of my predecessors have struggled with the job stresses.. A Couple have failed.  If it wasn't for my friends that help me.. Ground me..keep me happy.. I would not be able to endure.
Thank you.

Sometimes the help comes from unknown sources that become true friends. Closer than friends..
I consider myself lucky to know someone like that.

I do not expect anything.. Nothing is determined.
We are just seeing what will happen.. Or not..
I just want someone that appreciates a hug.. Someone that can tolerate my ...me. Really who I am.
I don't usually share .. Me.. With everyone..
If I have.. You are one of the few.

I am hoping to get many hours of bonding time with L. And distress at the same time. Then.. I get to visit with friends and family..

A real vacation.. Time off. Change of latitude.
And be near the sea..

Winter..but not here.

See you soon..

R 12/14/17

Hi.

Hi.. I am happier than yesterday.
partially because I have a little clarity.
Al co hal.. My bar buddy.. Talked some sense into me..
Actually listened to me.. And I figured it out..
Sometimes he is a friend.
I also texted a friend.. One I trust..and worked out the rest
..
So.. Here I am.. Still happy.
I have my friends.
I know who gets me.. All of me.. Not just the parts I show.
I have not scared them away..
Not that I was trying..
Definitely not....
Yet.. I am still in this latitude.. Still here not there.

But.. Always nice.. [And a t ]
To know I could be.. Somewhere other than.. Here..

Thank you for not being scared away from me.

Thank you for being there..

I will send a text.. Because.. I feel I need to remind you that..
You are all I say.. .it just as me..

I am drifting..
So..
Thank you for being you..
You are a rock star!
And I appreciate you
And all your efforts.. From the day to day to the minute to minute..each and every day.

Stay strong..

These are somethings I say to me.. Many days...

Hugs..
R 12/13/17

New version

The new phone has new versions of the apps and how they work.
The picture gallery won't let me move things around. The keyboard is touchy. The spell check works better. The phone was acting up for a few days. I think I may have fixed it... It was rebooting all the time.. I disabled some apps..and removed some  unneeded ones. It has been behaving since.
I had to change storage settings..so some apps and the camera would stop filling the Phone memory... It will take time... But a little bit here and more there.. Maybe it will be good.

Today was nice.. The next few are supposed to be warmer. No snow till the first day of winter. 
But the nights are still cold.
I am cold tonight.

I was looking at indeed tonight... A job site..
I found 3 potentials. I need to craft that résumé.
The possibilities are good.
And if the status quo holds true.. I am still under paid... And with the buffer I could go big or.. Make due plus...  Better than right now.

These three I found are not in my company.. But... Bigger fish.
Maybe.
I can hope.

Stepping over here...

I need to do a few things.. I am working on some.

It is all me. I know I have no help.
I have not asked for any.... So that would be why...
No judgements.
I am alone,.. I am used to that.
I know and don't expect anyone to know what I need...help .. Support.. Etc. Those that can..don't know.. The ones that see.. I don't expect to help.. Either because they cannot.. Or..I wouldn't ask.
I am a big boy..an adult .. I can figure it out.
I think... Cheerleaders are hit and miss...
Sometimes you want that pat on the back.. Good going... You are killing it..
Then.. Sometimes you need reality.. Good job.. But your not done.. Keep going... Don't give up.

If you are living this life.. You are never done.
You have to keep fighting.. It is never easy.
If you don't earn it....by fighting for it... You never see it's worth.
You take it for granted... And never appreciate it.
A recipe of failure.. For all .

As I ponder...
There have been very few in my life that have qualified for the real life.
Many have been hopes and expectations.. But always a settle.
Never what I needed..
What I wanted..

I knew what i needed.
I knew what I wanted.
They met... In between...

I settled.

You know.. I am not that young any more...
I have figured out what I want..need..
I have been searching all my life for the one that could keep me smiling.
I have seen it.. It exists..
Just.. So far..not for me.
I look.. Want..
But cannot find the common space...where we are together.

I have been told... I am a good guy...yet..
Not THE guy.

I understand..

Timing and persuasion.. Is needed to break away from the comfort zone..

Everyone has one..
It is that place.. We are comfortable being.. Uncomfortable...
The place we retreat to.. The one with the walls.

The wall's we built.. To protect us.
The same walls..that we hide behind..
It is a protection.. But from what,...life.. New beginnings?.

Do we need to be 'safe' where we are?
Unhappy..with no one that gets us?
Then we give up.. And withdraw.

We as humans need touch.. That feeling of connection.
All we miss.
The grip of a hug..the one.. You know.. Is a real hug.
The hug that echo's home.. Security.. Safety,...
The one that makes it all ....  Right.

We need this.

Prove me wrong
.. I dare anyone to try.

Hey!. I am not cold anymore

R 12/12/17

New phone..

So..I finally got my new phone activated, its been fun setting it up.. Loading my apps..  Adjusting my settings.
It may take me a few days to get used to it.
My old phone was 3 years old..that is a century as far as technology goes.
I have all I saved to the memory card..but lots of stuff is missing.
It is strange not to have any calls in my call log... Or any one in my text list.
My contacts are only partially there.

But its new and nicer.. I can load apps that would not work on the old phone.
I will get used to it.

So.. When should I go visit?
Maybe I should plan an interview or two..
That would be productive.
But it is nearing the Christmas season and new years.. Bad times to be pressing into someone's family time.

I probably will end up. .. Not using the vacation time..and just losing it.
It won't be the first time. :(

I need to talk with someone that can help me motivate.. I need a kick to make the moves to look ..
I was explaining to L, I have been seeing things that are screaming... Now is the time. 
Housing prices.. Work issues.. Openings..
The time is right. We could make a fresh start..
I asked her.. What is keeping me here..
All she could say is my job.
I have no other reason to be here.
Yes.. I am underpaid.. And now there are work issues.
It is time.

I just need to find the time to look.. Make the moves.

I mentioned... That she has nothing holding her here.. At first she protested..but then agreed.. All her friends are on line.. None of her classmates bother with her anymore
.some have moved away..
She has no contact with her mom.
So.. Moving would be a chance for a new start.

So... It is up to me..
As always.

I am just not complete.. I am half here. I need someone to ask.. Share... Help decide.. I don't have anyone to share my thoughts with..
I am not looking for answers.. That would be nice... But.. If you say it out loud.. To someone.. You can hear if it is too far fetched.. Or brilliant!
It is not that I am looking for answers..or even validation..
I just need an ear.
I know I can work it out.
But in my head...it does not sound the same..as verbally.

Yes.. I like to talk.. Better when some one listens to me rant.

That is why this blog exists.

So..

Here I am.

I need a job.. Better than the one I have..
I need to clean and sell what I can.. And get out.

I just need to get it done.
I am too far from anyone that gets me.

Well the new phone is a chore to type on
... So.. I  will close...

You know..
I miss home.

R 12/8/ 17
..

I may be on to something. .

I have been thinking.. listening..doing a little research.. not liking what I am seeing.
Yes this is about work.
I had a long conversation with another manager.. we both are hearing and seeing things that are uncomfortable.
I pointed out a few things she was not aware of..
She mentioned a few I needed to hear..
Different perspectives.. but similar scary things.
She..knowing everyones salary.. and knowing other markets..say I am at least $20k underpaid.. she said I should ask for more.

I mentioned.. I looked on the corp site and found that the stock is up more than $20 a share..in the last 2 months..
Which is good..but we have been told we are not giving any raises next year.
Then the question of bonuses ... are those not happening???
We have passed budget.. made a lot.. which the bonuses usually come from.. we have heard not a whisper.

Then..I mentioned.. we have just been told ..we are rocking the revenue.. we are better than most..
I think.. we are fodder for a sale to another company.. an asset that can be used to pour cash into the company..because we do so well.. which would mean..I get to start all over building respect and relationships. . I will have to explain my methods and workflow..
Not what I need to do again for a 6th time...

I will if I have to..

I need to find a change.
One that could make me smile..more..

I was talking to L.. I let her know what I was thinking..
Have been thinking. .
At first she resisted..but I explained.. all I thought about..
She sees the reasons..
Sort of agrees..
I think the timing is now..
I have work to do.

I miss being a place I enjoy..
Around people I enjoy.
In a timezone I relate to.
Maybe..

I need to do this..
I need to stop waiting..
I need to start the wheels turning..

Miss you..Miss.

R12/7/17

posted from Bloggeroid

Blank space.. not anymore.

I guess I hit post twice.

So. Today was fun. After my meeting..and hearing more scary things.. I was informed someone spilled coffee in the equipment.
Spent a few hours trying to clean it .. but its dead.
$2900. For a replacement module..be here thursday..
So..now try to make it work... we did..
So much for things I had planned to get done.
The rest of the day went well.
I got home.. and fell asleep on the couch with the cat for a couple hours.. made a decent attempt at dinner.. work at my radio bench for a while.. made no head way.

So.. still the daily stress level is up.. still sore.. still need to get away.
I would like to take a drive.. w /L .
Go home to visit.. but time is running out..
Do I go during the holiday.. just before..just after.. I am supposed to be here for new years.. work..
So.. do I just forget it.. lose it.. or just stay home..and sleep away 7 days... nah..I cant do that..
I asked if my cousin had any plans on the cape.. she said no..but would welcome a visit if I was there.. my other cousin said so as well.
But, holiday seasons are tough to intrude on friends.. its family time and can be awkward.. plus if it was just me..that is one thing.. but with L.. I have to know where we will sleep.

I am in this place in my head..
I have so much to plan. So much that I need to do. So much I want to do. I have not made the time to start any of it.
I am scared.. all I want to happen..depends on me doing something..I have to start. I need to get started.
It is December.. I have been working all the scenarios in my head for months.
Expectations aside.. I am now in a place where uncertainty is a real problem. I need to move forward and find a place to go to.
I can not stay here much longer. I dont want to make any decisions that will end up anchoring me in this place.
Work is my current weight.. I should be able to cut it free and get out.
Maybe L not having a job is good.. nothing to leave. Her life is on line..it can be done anywhere.
Things in my life cant be better for change.. I need to find the starting place.. and go!

Me.. I have nothing beyond trying to pay my bills. Each day rushes past..and another bill is due. I am not saving anything. . I am hedging at best..just to stay up to date.. only one income..and almost everything is as cheap as it can be already.
I need to ditch the cable bill.. and streamline the car insurances..again.. but everything else is cut to the bone.
If I refinance.. I could get out of some of this..but.. I may need that money..when I move.. $90k is better than $50k.
I know that much..
Or I could just rent it.. for more than I owe each month...
Selling would be best..and right now is the time..

So..me.. I am surviving.. spending too much on going out.. but I cant stay home.. tv is not much of an option.. work in the shop is tiring.. and unproductive.. cleaning... ugh.. anything else costs money.
I can only sleep so much..and right now..it hurts to sleep more.
I am stuck.. I need a life change.. a real ground shaking change.
One that will put a smile on my face..one that could put smiles on others.. just that more satisfaction..

So..me.. I just am not finding me..
I am clouded with work... the seasons.. plans ... wishes..needs..
Wants.. and expectations.

I really do not know what I need to help me make these decisions..
But I need someone to talk it out with.. so I can start moving in some direction..

Time to drink my beer..
Then sleep.

R 12/6/17

posted from Bloggeroid

Cold..

Been a typical Monday. The temp has dropped. Less than half what it was all weekend. I spent a few hours outside..working on the gate at work. The sun was out but it was cold.

Sunday..after our chores.. L asked to go for a ride.. we headed I to the mountains.. ended up driving 2 and a half hours for pizza. Then drove back. It was nice.. it was dark and cold.. but a mountain ski town.. pretty lights. . It flurried a bit over the pass..but didnt snow till late..they got 5" over night.

This morning I got a text from work..someone was not gonna make it in.. I called the guy on duty...he was ok with working 3hrs OT..
The fill in would be In at 10.. on his sheduled vacation day...

I have not been sleeping well.. sore.. lots of dreams.. mostly about work.. stress in my head...
I worked on stuff tonight... I need to finish them up.. maybe make a few dollars...
I am considering selling my project car.. I think its time to unload it..
I dont have the time or resources to do what I wanted.. plus I have been paying insurance and tags and it just sits.. I will try again later..maybe.. one less thing to move.
Plus..I think I can make a few dollars..
And save a few too.. win win.

I looked for a map route to get home on Sunday.. and punched in my home address.. and one of those real estate sites came up...
My house is worth $50k more than I thought..more than I bought it for... about $90k more than I owe.!!!
I think it may be time...
A sign!
My home mortgage company called me Sunday. . Asking for the hundredeth time if I want to refinance my good loan...
It just may be time.

I think with the current work situation.. I need to look outside of my current employer..and see what is where I want to be..
As I said before.. the signs are pointing to 'get out' .. now before it all falls apart.

I must look.
I won't know what is out there..if I don't look.
Of course..there are other things I could do..
This place..the one I am at.. is not the only I can do.
I am not afraid of new challenges...
I have time..to do more.


I wish I was not busy...Sunday.. I really wanted to chat..to talk with someone who knows me.
I miss that type of connection.
You have no idea.

I have things in my agenda.. things I need to do..want to do..
Some deals with proximity..some work related.. most are stress relieving. .. things I would do to lessen the day to day weight..something I would do..to keep the smile on faces..mine and others.

A few things that would make me happier..and others happier too.
To be more accessible. . Available. .. and to have others available to me. Right now... I do not have anyone readily available. . It is a process..
Not anyones fault .. but mine...
I am here.. my fault.. I was trying..............
My mistake.
One I did ... for home and family...

I was played. .

Not that has ever happened before...
I don't learn.. I think...others are looking for someone to spend the rest of their life with... not for the next opportunity. .the next sucker..
Yes.. I feel..I have been the target. . More than once.. recent and in the past.. I was the dupe.. much to my heartache...

I became jaded
..I was lost..

Guess what..
I am still lost.
I know what I want..
I am .. right now.. not there...
Go figure.

Ok..

I am sitting here.

I am stuck.
Money wise..

I need to fix this.
I can.

I will

For me.

Yes.. I need the hugs.. that come with the friends that have figured me out.

I did this to myself..
I am sure some therapist could help me.. decipher.. this.

But.. in the end.. I am just me..a simple .. yet.. complicated.. guy..
I do not even understand.
I dare anyone...to help me..

But....
Know this I will help you.
And me....

R 12/5/17

posted from Bloggeroid

December. .

November is done.
A bit of a ride.. ups and downs..
Much stress.
I feel i have not been as much of a friend as I should be.
I have bills and things to take care of.. I need to start some new things and end some old.. my motivation is there but I am looking for the signal in the sky.. the one that tells me I should put these things in motion..
I may be missing it..or not adding it all up.
I know.. I will.. I just have no one to encorage me ..
I know..that someone is me.. and I wont get a sign.. I have to interpret the timing.. and make it happen..
The pieces are falling in place.. I need to stop stalling and make the move..
It really is what I want.. I have no reason to wait.. none.
More reasons to be already making it happen.
This is on me..
L is along for the ride.. no opinion from there at all.
She is very aware of my stresses.. and obligations..
I know..it is time..

Where to start.. ??

I need to work that out..
I will.

So.. here I am..
Things must change..I must change them.


To my readers..
This change.. any of it.. will be positive..and a long time coming..
I don't dwell as much on the lonely. .
It is there.. and not talking about it all the time don't lessen it.
So I don't. As much..
For all the reasons.. I kinda gave up bitching about it..
It seems to be where I am..have been..will be..
I have listened to those that offered advice..
'Stop looking and it will find you'
Bull.
Sometimes it can happen..but.. here I am..
Just getting old.
If you are already lonely. .you don't get more lonely. . You just are.
My work..being the demanding bitch she is.. has found how to take my free time and make it hers.. and I dont really mind.. being busy..
But there is more to life than work..
Sometimes..just sleeping in is my reward..on the rare occasion I can.
I am old enough to realize..I have to do for me.. first... and figure it out.
Yes.. I can .

So.. I have things to do..and will do.
We will see where and when..

Yes.. I miss a lot.
I am here..in this place..and I feel I must change it..
I can. Should..and will.

R 12/1/17

posted from Bloggeroid