Writing on the wall??

I have always seemed to be awake enough to see when things are turning. .no..not always..sometimes I am blind...but..most times.. it is obvious to me..
I feel I may be in one of those times..

'Mene Tekel Peres' I know the spelling is off..
The phrase is not relevant.. but it literally was 'the writing on the wall" 'doomed, numbered, divided'

I see things going on at my work..that are making me nervous.
I was looking internally for a lateral move.. it may be time to look out side.. I think dark times are coming.. monetarily.. tough times..
Nothing I want to experience.
I cannot afford to struggle through their growing pains. .

Time to make a few calls.
Or simply time for a drastic change..
Jump ship.. before it sucks me down.

I have little to loose.. but I need to look forward..and secure my future.. I am too old to start over.... maybe. Maybe not.. but I need to be able to pay my bills.. and give L a reasonable start..
It is on me. I have no help.
I will do this. I must.

For my friend...
The biggest of tightest hugs.
I offer my straight strong shoulder for you.
I give you my playful flirtations.. respectfully.
I am here for you as a friend.
I hope you won't shy away from asking me for what you need..
I am willing to provide in any aspect.
Friend first.
My heart is yours .. to be available for all you need.
We have a bond we must take advantage of. It benefits us in its strength. Past ..present..future.. are not relavant.. when the need is now. This minute.
I will continue to say.. I am here if you need me. ANYTIME.

I know..I need to know when not to press. I try.
I could talk to you all day. Every day...
We have done this.
I miss it......

But.. I never know...if I am too Intense. .or not enough.
I guess..usually wrong.

Friendship is a real thing..
Tricky.. but real.

I am your friend. I always will be.
Try to make that untrue.. try..I dare you...

I offer a hug..
You know I ..know hugs.

I know you are in that place.
I offer that you do not need to be alone..
Not that I am where you are..but..that I am here..offering a hand ..something to hold..while you are there.. something to help you come back.. to be with those that love you..an anchor..to let you know you are not adrift.. but have a place ..outside of the place you must visit.. there is life here..life that needs you..your presence..
We understand where you go..and why.. but we are here .. we need you. Not just me.. the we is all of us.. question it..and you will see..
We try to make us known. Some feel they need to fight it..but reality shows the truth. We need you. We love you..

I am here.. I am in a spot..where I am the friend..and me.
I have a struggle.

But I will always be ... me.

Question it.
I dare anyone.

I care...it is real.

I hurt..it has been real..

If you hold me..hug me..
You may feel it.

R 11/30/17

posted from Bloggeroid

November

This is November.
So much meaning in this month.
The beginning is a lot to know.
The middle has much going on..
The end.. has much meaning....
I have been around for a lot of important events in November.

It has always been an awkward month for me.
I was born in this month..and I have said good bye to many in this month.
I have mentioned before.. I handle these things differently from most people I know..
I do not show what is in my head.. mind.. heart .. especially during this month.
Oh..I feel.. hurt.. burn.. much of the events of this month.
But..for me.. it is best not to express any of it.
I do not wish to offend.. remind.. or have to explain..
There is just so much.
I .. as always.. deal with all of it in my own way.

No..I am not cold and unfeeling..
I just do not want to loose control .. I do not want to be left to be a blubbering idiot..in a fetal position.. control
Keeps the walls from closing in..
Keeps my world from collapsing. .
Keeps me sane.. and knowing I can continue.. like everyone else has for years..
I know so many that have endured such pain and loss..
I have had it easy..compared to most.. who am I to complain?
I am thankful for what I know..for what I believe..for what I know.
Yes..that is a circle.. it helps me keep on.
It helps me be strong for those that need me..to be strong.
Me.. I am not strong..but I know who I can rely on.. who will help me..and what I can and should do.

Yes.. I am lonely.. basically alone.. something I can change.. something that will change..
Like all those years ago.. I am just on vacation.. waiting to go home.
I just need to find home..
I have been diverted... a few times..
I know decisions..have to be decided..
Plans should be in motion.. and could be.. I cannot wait for time to catchup with me.. I must force it to help me be .. where I need to be.. to put the smiles where they should be..
To find that permasmile..
And spread it..to those I love.
But.. I have to get through this month..and start the next..
I have all I know in my thoughts. . I hope them safety and love..health. .. and peace.

So.. here I am..

R 11/28/17

posted from Bloggeroid

Wednesday

Yup. It was an early day.. early start.. and we all got to leave at 3.. I left at 4.. then was called back In At 5:30p.. I guess better than 5:30a.
So..I am tired.
In so many ways.
I have been hurting physically.. sore..neck and back.. im sure its stresses.. I needed to get away..but not.

I should plan a 7 day road trip. Just do it ! and figure it out next yr..
I need it.. I should just pick a weekend..and extend it..with driving times.

I know I would feel better after..
Maybe I could spread a few smiles.

I noticed they reposted the job from February. . I should revamp my reusme and upload it.. maybe make a phone call. ..or two.

All this end of the year stuff..

It has never been a good time of year for me to get things done.. too much going on..too much going on in Everyone elses lives..
Plus bills and life getting in the way of fun.

So much to get done..so much to figure out. . The responsibilities are still there. . Kicking my chair..reminding me.. still here!
Work has been steamrolling along.. but.. invoices are not being paid.. how long before payroll suffers? I don't know anyone that can afford to have a missed paycheck.. maybe the writing is already on the wall.. the signs are there.. I should do something to protect me.
Make changes and decisions..and maybe get before I am stuck.

Lots to think about in that last paragraph. .

Maybe that is what has been stressing me out for the past few months..building to where I am now.

Hmm

Funny how that works..
It has before..and I listened. .and saved my butt.

The things in my head..that I have been crafting into a solution..may need to see the light of reality..

Changes.. things to do..

(Hey! Re read this tomorrow. .. it has info for you)

R 11/22/17

posted from Bloggeroid

Turkey..

It is not that day yet. It wont be a bird. Just a ham. Maybe a drive if everyone is awake and I get dinner finished in time.
The car is not happy..needs some minor work. I have ordered the parts and will be In tuesday. Still driveable.
Work stress has been up. I was assigned one new..got to get done right away task.. we have a companywide software install to complete.. we have the gates to finish programming. And gates parts to install and wire next week. Then that project should be done. I have an HVAC unit that is delayed till Monday.. it is ordered and I have contracted the install...another that needs to be done by the end of the year. There are a couple computers I need to build and install.. this week.. I have a audio player to check out and install... work..work.. work.. some stress. It seems to be heavier than the norm.. I have not been comfortable..not sleeping comfortably.. I have been getting to work early..and still staying late.. not really thinking too much about it.
I have reviewed my finances..and need to just keep on..
No extra monies..not coming my way..still have to pay the bills.. I have more than I should.. my own fault..

I remember last November. .being in the same spot.. bad planning..short.. my solution last year did not work.. so. I will ride it out. Try something different. It has been like this since I stopped working the 2nd job.. I will devise a new plan.
It could be worse.. it could be better..
I can make choices to make this easier..

What. When.. I don't know.. I am still scared to take the steps.. I don't know..I need to ..there are a few things I must do..things I want to do..places to go.

I have missed out on so much.. these past 20 yrs..
Not that any radical change will make much difference. . It will hopefully be better. A few close friends..some that can tolerate the me.. some that may actually be happy to have me near.
At this point.. I would work a crappy job..if it allowed me to be near someone I could actually call my friend. Someone that wanted me around.. some place where my presence made a difference.

No.. just feeling old. .and wondering why I am still here in this place.

Oh ... I could go on and on about loves I miss and people I miss being able to see..

But.. here I am.. I am the one that can change that..
I have before..the last time.. it was tough.. but.. I can do it again. .

I have to finish timing.it.
Work out the details.. I have options..but it depends on timing.. planning.. and karma..or luck.

Wish me...

R 11/22/17

posted from Bloggeroid

Still stuff to do

It is a good work month.. never-ending tasks.. getting close to crunch time. I have to finish up the projects..nothing can carry into next year.. the money stops in December. If the project isnt finished..invoiced. .it isnt getting paid from this years budget.
We have only a couple things left.. I may add a new task.. but as an addon.. and dependant on weather. .. and scheduling.
It is one of those tasks that if I can..it will be good for work..and I can add it to a list of issues I solved.. a gold star for me.. something to add to my portfolio.

Now.. here I am.. close to the end of this month. I have to plan for the holiday.. just L and I.. its gonna be a simple affair.. and depending someone's sleep schedule.. maybe we can try for a drive..chase the sunset.. no other plans.. no invites.. not even a msg from her mom.. you would think.. maybe an invite to dinner at the new house.. but they are not talking..and nothing in my messages..

Money is tight this month.. and maybe next.. the year will end..soon..
I do not expect any bonus this year.. maybe a gift card...
I have vacation that will probably go unused.. I have been going into work early and leaving late.. no one that matters notices..

So nothing new.. here I am.
I looked through the postings..found the one from last January was reposted.. I need to ask.
Maybe..I am stuck. . Maybe I just dont realize..
Nothing special happening.. I am surviving.. but it should be much more.. I should have something to look forward to.. some plan..
All I can focus on is work and bills.
I feel I have missed any opportunities. . Either by being to old.. spending so much time in the wrong dimension.. not realizing where I should be or who I should be with..yet..I am in this place.
A relative term.. but..mentally..vs..physically.. here.
Personally.. in relation to this existance..
Still trying to get to a place..a. comfortable place..
Some where I can relax and be me...with someone that likes the real me. Someone who enjoys my company..someone I want to be around. I know they are there.. the problem is.. I am not..
That seems to be my fault..
Timing.

So.. I know I need to change my location..I know I need to figure out how to get from the here and now...to the there..I will accept close..or closer.. I need to make the time to start that process.. and go.

Things can change..
It is up to me.

R 11/16/17

posted from Bloggeroid

Review.

Gonna be a short post.. battery is almost dead.
But..
I started this blog.. a while ago..
Originally I had a lot to say.. vent.. that was the reason for the name of this..

I deleted almost a year of posts..
I felt at that time it was too personal..too much ..
There was a lot going on in my head...and personal life...
I needed someone to talk to.. you all are it.

I recently found those posts.. I copied the blog to a file on my computer. .and forgot about it..
I recently read through those posts.. and all I can say is 'wow!'
I know what I was going through..I have touched on it now and then..but this was so much more...angry..not really the right word.but close. I was hurting..and mad at myself and those around me...those I was living with..and so frustrated.. just really dark and angry.. years of trying my best to be what I needed to be...only to find it was for nothing.. I walked away with the only thing that really mattered and was left to start over..
I am glad I didnt totally delete the posts..although not public anymore..but I still have it to look back on and learn from..
The least..I can see where I was and how far I have come..or how little I have not..

So..all that being said.. I am glad I did not stop posting here..
I am glad I have this outlet for all my rants..and know there are people that read this.
If it helps someone half as much as it helps to have a place for me to put it..I am happy.

More later.. battery is at 7%..and no charger nearby.

Till next time..
Thanks for listening.

R 11/15/17

posted from Bloggeroid

Ten days

The tenth has come and gone.
I must be busy..because I don't know where the time has gone..
Nearly half way through November. .
I don't know if I will be able to use the rest of my earned vacation time.. I really am not sure what I have left.. I think its 10 days..work doesn't know..
I don't think I have the cash to go anywhere.. it looks like if it is to happen.. it will be In December.. .. mid or late.. or just not at all.

I think I need to just figure out the future .. and not worry so much about the time I am owed.. and work on the rest of the things I should do.

Work has been taking full advantage of the fact that I will step up and be around .. just too dedicated... too much responsibility..

Maybe I should just put the nose to the grindstone..and figure out what and where and when.
Do something for me.

11/11/17

posted from Bloggeroid

This space accidentally left blank.

:)

posted from Bloggeroid

Been a few days

Well it is a few days into November. I have been absent..for a few reasons.. but mainly because I have been home... trying to get sleep. My weeks have been busy..and I have been trying to get things done.
I have work that needs to be finished.. and I'm have put in the effort to complete some.
I am getting it done..a little at a time..and it will pay off...eventually.

Work has been crazy and I am dealing with that. ..
Can we just agree to do the jobs we were hired for..really. .
I am taking it day to day... some people are very lucky.

I have made no real changes to my situations.. I am just getting up every day.. doing my best.. and doing it over again.

I need to figure out how to move to the next place..and figure out where that is.. 2018..is screaming toward me.. and I need to get on with it. .. nothing is holding me here.. I need to sever the weight..and float on to tomorrow.

I am maintaining.. as I do... it can be done indefinately.. but..there is no satisfaction in just maintaining. . Happy is not in that place..

I want happy..I want to wake up each day with a uncontrolled smile..not a forced one.. I want to realize I am grinning
.and know why.

It is possible..

Another 365..

R 11/10/17

posted from Bloggeroid

Day 2..

Yep.. still busy.. still stressed.
Got things to complete. Work.. and personal.
Work is easy.. schedule.. plan.. do it.
Personal... a bit harder.. I have to convince myself to make the step.. start moving.. make the call.. put things In motion.. I can.. I should.. im not certain.. I have to worry about failure..rejection..or even worse.. not being able to follow through... making the step..and having to go back..if it dont work..

I do need to decide and just do it..get it started.. so many things will need to change..and most for the better.. sure it will make some unhappy..some pissed..most wont care..
Even if I fail.. it will be movement..I can rebound if I try.. but if I don't. .I am still just here. Where I have been..

I know I can be happy.. I know I can share my happy.. with the right person. Not only someone that needs it..deserves it..but someone that will help share it with me.

I can dream.

I have no liquid $ for any vacation. I need to get away.. these next 60+ days are tough days.. very few days available .. but as always I am back to use it or lose it.. even with 5 days less.. I cannot seem to use all I have earned.

Maybe I should take week and just get up early.. and clean from top to bottom.. paint.. and refloor my living room..
Eat 3 daily meals and drink lots of coffee... for a week.
Fix stuff.. and clean and declutter.

Hmmm.
I could invite guests to this pit I live in.. where no one ever wants to visit...
Maybe I should move to detroit or the bronx...

This is my existance..

Save me..

R 11/2/17

posted from Bloggeroid

End of the month..

Ok.. it is the last day of October.
Not that in means anything.
Nothing special happened.
Actually the past few days have been stressful.
The weekend was odd..and not as good as it should have been...
Monday started with a winey person calling me at 6AM to ask me to come in to bitch me out..I said I would be in at 8..then he proceeded to text me for the next hour..knowing full well he was keeping me from sleeping.. he is so lucky I didnt come in..I would have fired him.
Then he proceeded to bitch all day to everyone else..stating he was being mistreated..passed over .. this continued to today.. but it expanded to him complaining about everything and everyone..

I am not sure where he stands.. he still has a job.. other than that.. I dont know.

I did find out ..I will be able to add to the department..and fix all the scheduling problems..well not all..I know I cant please everyone..

I just need people to show up.. preferably on time.. and do their job..
Really?? Is that too much to ask?


Well.. beyond that.. I was out..having drinks..and this friend decided he wanted to buy shots for everyone.. I said no.. I didnt want to..I am on call for work..I cant .. he insisted.. I said no.
He has done this before.. I had one drink already..
I finished it..and was playing pool.. the bartender got me another..
I wasnt watching her... when I tried it... it was not what I was drinking.. I figure he told her to add a shot to what I was drinking.. her thinking I agreed to let him buy me a shot.. I was pissed.. first at him and also at the bartender... I didnt drink it..I sat there the rest of the night.. fuming..till finally I paid and left.. I am sure the bartender didnt know..but next time I am there.. I will pull her aside..and let her know.. never to do that..ever.
I need to be able to trust the bartender..
He on the other hand..thinks its ok.. we will have some words.. I do not like being in a situation where some one can have something put in my drink with out my knowledge.. that is scary..
I know of people that it has happened to.. and bad things happen.

So I dont need.. more stress...

This is my new monetary float month.. it usually happens in February.. my in ..isnt equal to my out..I have no cushion.. I checked my account..and my checkbook is off.. less than I think I have.. I am officially back to month to month..and appear to be behind.. spending more than I have.. I need to fix a few things.. I have been told..no raises this year.. so.. I need to restructure the rest of my spending.. I am not late..not behind..just not comfortable..

Just slightly stressing about that..

So a bit..in my head.

Just me..no one I can turn to..not much different I can do.. keep plugging away..and hope I make it through the year.. 2 more months.. then..40 or so days to tax time.. maybe...I can survive..

I have before.. we will see.

Personally.. meh
I have people I can hang out with..but it ends up costing me..
I need to cut back on the excess spending..

Plan.. save.. figure it out..

I know..I will stress about all of this..I always do.. no one gets me..
Well..maybe one..
But not anyone else..
I just need to fix this..

It could be worse.. I have a home and a job.. I have something to get out of bed for everyday. Even if it is just to pay my bills.
I do not have anyone that I am trying to make happy.. not even myself.
I am just doing the day to day..looking for the things I can take personal satisfaction from.. and leaving it at that.

Not really much more I can do.
No glory or fame in that..but..I can sleep at night..most of the time..

Oh .. I hear the offers.. I know I cant just yet..but ohh so tempting to just pull up stakes.. liquidate..and start new.. home..
I know I could find happy. .
Don't stop.. I may need to hear it at the right moment..
I know I do.. just need that moment..
Things could be so different.

One can hope.

So.. here is November..creeping in..
The next 365 of me is approaching..
I have been in limbo..for the past few..
Looking..finding.. trying..
Like I have all my life..less the 20 I was as if blinded.. but..nothing has changed.. I am still as pathetic...and lonely as I was when I was 17..
Not anything I can do about it.. I have tried..
Time and again..
Always..the wrong place..wrong person..wrong time..
Always..
Sometimes it works for a little while..
Sometimes I think it did..even though it didnt.
Everyone else saw it.. but I didnt..or didnt want to...

I am sure I missed opportunity. .I didnt see and missed out..
Most of those.. are gone..passed me by..probably for the best..
Some maybe not..yet a missed opportunity. .never to be had again.

Yet here I am.. now.. in this place.. trying to find the next...place..person.. thing..and
Totally hopeful.. I have not given up.. why should I? ?
Im not sick..not dead.. I have much to do in this time I have left..
I know I can be happy..I know I can help make someone happy too.
I can fix this .. my life..

And tomorrow is a start of another month..

:)

R 10/31/16

posted from Bloggeroid