Week from hell

This is one of those weeks.
So much to get done..
Important stuff... and I need to be doing several things at once.
Work and home..
Got another quote today.. same as the rest.. but possibly earlier completion. So far they are in the top.
I will hedge the $ and get it done.

No one wanted to talk with me today.. even my kid went to sleep early.

That onely sneaks in..

ISTBA is not around.. so no comfort/aggravation there..
Just me.

So.. I cooked..and ate alone.. worked on a radio..and just been by myself.

Tomorrow is work busy..got the govt examiner..and a crucial test to monitor..and report.. my budget has been submitted and explained.
My operators are messing up as much as they can..right before inspection.. no my position is not safe..
I have no idea what I can and cannot do..
Ive had a headache since I woke up..
Still not sleeping well. And cannot figure out what to do to help L.

S T R E S S

I have a dental appt monday..and a department meeting just before.

The drive this weekend was just a tease.. a 6 hour tease..
I need to drive.. but have no destination. . No one wants me to visit..
It seems they have made that plain..
If I go anywhere..it will be somewhere I have never been.. where no one knows me..or cares who I am.. so I will feel right at home.
I have ruined one of my favorite destinations.. it seems like I cannot go back there.. I will offend or obligate someone.. and think I am being told to stay away. Don't cause trouble for anyone.
If I go..because I need to..it will be as a ghost.. no one will know I am there till I leave..
Everyone will be happier that way.
No pressure..
No one that will need to explain me..
No issues with unapproving family..
No one obligated to see me or give me a place to sleep.
I will be alone..
Hmm makes you wonder why I want to go ..

Maybe why I cannot.
And
I think.. Idaho..or Montana..
I cant go to the north west.. I wont come back. ..so I am told.

Not where I want to be.. here and now..and that time distance thing is not working to my favor.

Tomorrow is gonna be hectic.. and I am working on a beer buzz that will not help .. but.. here I am.. maybe I will sleep.. and be able to wake on time..and muddle through.

I have much to say..and no one to say it to..

I seem to be THE guy for long distance.. I am great at arms lenght..then you can forget.. and I disappear.

Poof

Such is the way..

I need to sleep.. and hope this month is over soon..and will reset.

One can hope.

Sometime..some where I will figure this out.
Just not now.

You
Cannot be replaced.
I will not try.
You and I are meant to be.. but

Here I am.. wondering.. and alone.

Fun.

R 9/27/16

posted from Bloggeroid

Reminisce

I am hoping spell check fixed that.

I am revisiting a contact of a few years ago.
I do not know if you are still reading these posts.
You havent mentioned it..

I appreciate the contact.

Not so lonely..
Yes you are miles away..and are in limbo.. but I am enjoying having a friend to chat with.
I know you are in need of a friend and as usual I am here.
No one else seems to want to hear me.
I am not hiding away... being elusive..
I am out here..looking fo anyone that will hear me.. listen to me.
Help me.. no I am not stable as a rock.. I am faltering. .. trying to stabilize. . Trying to be whole..
And obviously failing.

It hurts to not be able to voice what is killing me..
If not for this blog.. I would be nothing.

I can never have what I need.. I must make due with what is available. .not always a good thing for me..
Time is ticking like a bomb.
I will be in the position to make a bad decision.. to remain lonely...or settle...
Both not good choices..
You know...
I was in a place I should never have been for 20 years..
Settling...
I wasnt happy for most of it..
But I wasnt sad..lonely ..I had a task and was doing it each day.
It was not so bad..
Just do not want to have to resort to settling..
But so much better than having to do this alone.
I have learned to make concessions in my life..
Choices I can wake up to..
Not what I want or need..but acceptable compromises..

You know. I am really tired of bending to make it work..
I need the happy that comes with acceptance..sympatico..
Someone that gets me and someone I get.

The work has to be ...to make her happy. .not working to attract or keep her..it needs to be .. for us. The work to keep us going and happy..interested.. occupied.. devoted.. always smiling.

I apparently am a bad hiring manager..cause I have no current applicants..no one wants the position..

So... I am.. here.. alone.

R 9/26/16

posted from Bloggeroid

The not post

I did not post what I just wrote.

It has been a rough month.

Don't ask questions .. unless you want to hear the truth.

.
R 2/23/2016

posted from Bloggeroid

A drive in the mountains

I took advantage..and took a 2 hr drive in the mountains.
It was work related.. and needed.
Got out of the office and rode some dirt roads.
Saw some turning aspens..
Of course .. pondered..
My life is absolut -ly great!
Yes pun intended... as I sit here and drink a 'craft' beer...
But it is Wednesday... I paid my bills thru the weekend..
And decided to venture out.
Monday... I realized.. was her Birthday..and why she was out.. just strange she was here..not there... this is not close to home...
Anyhow.. good thing I didnt say 'hi'.. because it should have been happy birthday. .. actually.. back then..that was the ender.. I wished her happy birthday a month early..and because of circumstances. .she said...
'It's not my birthday. .its next month... don't talk to me again'.
All I said is ..' as you wish'.
I figured out later why... but was unable to explain.
So it was done.
A 5 yr old friendship.. gone.

You know.. I slept terribly the next two nights .. I know it bothered me.. I dont like loose ends...and I want to be liked by everyone that has been a part of my life...people that matter.

I have those that think I will never forgive... or those that are looking to find that one thing that will 'drive me away'..
Depending on where you were in my life.. you may..or may not be able to do that..
As I have always said ... if you want me to go away.. you have to tell me.."go away" . The previous is an example..
I always demand a reason.. but if I dont get it..and i am told to 'go away'.. I will.. it will bother me to the end of time... but I will go.

Dont hint.. say!

If you don't know.. say so.. don't just cut me off..and make me wonder...

The one's I have loved..that never gave me a reason.. an explanation.. are ...
Unfinished.
Don't just go away.. I won't forget.. I won't forget you..us..

It pains me to live this way. I never want to end unfinished..end bad..

But it has happened so many times..

Some respect it... explain why..
The best..
' If I continue.. I will fall in love with you.. I'm not ready for that...'
I have the ultimate respect for you. (If you still read these.. yes YOU)
You allowed me to let go.. and it didn't hurt so bad.
Thank you!

So.. the other you..that reads this..
You never did explain
I don't know.
I want to.
I know I wont.
Just don't keep pushing me away.. that hurts.
Like a slap in the face
(Edited.. text removed..)

Gee this beer tastes good..
I am sitting here listening to a guy making time with a woman at the bar.. he saw 2 women at the bar alone..and appeared and sat next to them.. and is on his way..
Yes.. I am jealous.. that I cannot ..have not..never learned how to do that.
I think..it is too late for me.

Shut up.. and drink your beer.

R
9

posted from Bloggeroid

Ok.. you have my attention

I am really not sure what is going on.
Miscellaneous contact times 3.. casual contact tines 2..

I get it.. I think.. I am not alone.

Just lonely.

If I get some kind of random text or call.. from 1 more.. somebody will need to help me.
It is not a bad thing. .no not at all.. needed actually. .. but some are causing me to wonder.
Today was fine. Thanks for the text. Always good to hear from a friend.
But then.. after dinner and tv.. I go out for a beer. .. and the bar is full except for the last 2 seats.. I choose 2..sit right next to another and her friend... the friend was between. .but after a minute I saw her..
No contact.. very awkward.. been 5 yrs.. ended badly for me.. took ages to get over ..to stop thinking about it all... bad time in my life the week it ended.. loss of family.. dealing with that and all at the same time.. and done. Never talked again. It wasn't even a major relationship..just could have gone an entirely different direction..
Thinking back.. I only kissed her twice.. but others got in the way..and changed her mind..and she found an out. I made a mistake and it was done. No explanation no further contact. Done.
She was a good friend..for years ..

So... I guess I should start calling people..texting. make this mojo go my way or away..

Because even with it all.. I am here...by myself.
It makes a person realize how alone they are..
How far arms length really is.
No one wants to step up.. they are fishing..or just checking to see if I will bite.. boy..I want to.. hook me.. reel me in.. just remember...
It am a keeper..not a catch and release.. got too many scars from that.. going way back.

Yeah ..making my head swim..

Switching gears. ..
To Mike!
I had a beer to your memory tonight.
You were a great guy. Sorry to hear your passing.
Sorry for your family. You are missed already.
I won't make it to your service. . It is in 2 days. Too far to drive.. and too expensive to fly on short notice..
You were a good friend. And a great guy.

Listening to the fire crack and the crickets chirping.
Sitting here by myself under the stars.
Winding down..

My mind still pondering the past few days.

Hey. You! Anyone. . . Contact me.

My friend reminded me I am loved.
We all know, we all need to be reminded.
But sometimes it makes it hurt more..to have known the love is real..to feel it ..touch it.. have it touch you back. And know it isn't there.

Yes, I love you too.
All of you. And I know you love me.

Still here...still trying to figure out what to do next. Just don't know.

R 9/20/16

posted from Bloggeroid

Once apon a time...

Time.. did someone say time?
It happens.
A little here and there.
A powerful thing it is.
It can change a lot..
Or seem to change nothing at all.
The things that matter... show that they are stronger than time.
It can heal ..
It can hurt..
Sometimes it don't matter at all..
Sometimes it shows what does..
Strangers can become friends..
Friends can become strangers..
Just add time... you will be suprised what that ingredient will add..or remove.

Once apon a time...

Yeah, I know.. deep mumbo -jumbo..

I have experienced this phenomenon and am searching for understanding.

A person can only continue with direction.. if they know where to go..

I was told a while ago..
If you swim against the river you may not make any head way.. but show the effort.. against it..
If you swim with it.. you will move forward into another place..
If you stand still it will rush past you.. and you will feel its movement around you..but nothing will change for you..
You will have gained nothing for being strong enough to withstand its flow.. nothing for you will have changed..
But.. you have gone no where.. you have lost because everything around you is now different. And here you stand..

A river is a lot like time.

Tick.. tick... tick...

R 9/18/16

posted from Bloggeroid

Oh yeah.. today..

This was one of those.
Had plenty to do.. was doing some of it..and then.. lets think on our feet and make this work. We did and made it all work.
We kept it all together..and it was transparent..and invisible.
We learned a few things and remembered how to make that silk purse.. and the sow never even noticed.
Kudos to my assistant.. plugging away.. making valid suggestions and helping make it all work.
It was a long day.. then I did chores at home and cooked dinner and cleaned up. All on me.
Tomorrow I meet with an insurance adjuster about my roof. That will be fun. And I know in the end is gonna cost me.
Good thing I wasted all my free cash on a vacation.
One more bill.. add it to the pile.
Say good by to any plans.
But.. I will be taking another week off soon. I have time to use..and business changes will require it soon.

Things to ponder.. maybe a refinance and cash out.. and then pay down much..and then probably another night job..
Buy a car for L, and maybe a roomate or two..

Or just chuck it all.. and flee.
Start over.. be.

If things work out for others.. they can take on a boarder..and I can get out. Just me.. gone.

Yeah..yeah.. sounds like something that will never happen..
But if you really know me.. I have done it before.. it is so possible.
I have less and less holding on to me.
And a fresh start.. away from all.. off the grid so to speak.. at least away from all the reminders.. my losses... and past.
No one knows me anymore..no one wants to..those that do..don't.
No point.

I am just not satisfied with nothing. Too many years investing in lies..and wasting time and effort on those that toss me aside.
I know I can make the right person really happy.. I have proved that.
But I guess they were not the right person.
I have been tossed aside so many times..jaded is not the correct word. ..
I have come to the realization..I am very different.
I knew I was different. .but I am finding very different. ..
If you let me..I can make you feel extremely special.. and I never stop.. you do. I don't let go and go away..no matter how you treat me..years go by..and I still feel / care.. but.. you don't.
I know this is the way.
Many have proved this.
I am still just me.
Don't give me a chance. I will make you remember me..always.
But I know I won't be the one.
Too good to be true..or you think you are not good enough for me..
Several.. figured..they were so bad for me... that they must cheat..and use that as an excuse to end the relationship.
No.. tell me you are not good enough for me..like I am some saint...and need this other.. parolee.. low life.. to prove you are not worthy... B.S.
Just an excuse.. then.. realize.. you made the wrong choice..just to have life intervene..and change your options.
Yes.. I am not a thug.. an exciting bad boy.. but in the end...
Never what you need.. ends in heartache.
I have been many in my experience. .I know .. have known.. how..

My charm and presence is me.
Get to know it..open yourself up to it..and you will like what you find.
Story of my life..you have to take the time to let me open up to you..try to meet me.. me.. you will be surprized..

The few that have.. it is on them..where we are today.
Yeah..thats arrogant..but an old friend of mine told me the key to it all was to know your worth...and live it.
If they don't see it.. keep moving.

He was a special person... before family drugs and life got in his way. RIP Brother.

So.. here I am useless again.. no drive..no direction..
What I thought would help..didn't. . Now it is back to me.
Figure it out..and get over the pain.
You knew it is what it is. So.. stop obesessing over it.
You were lucky.. and happy.. hopefully grateful.. time is done..

Too many emotions in this.. cannot do them all justice.

You are on your own.
You are old and grey.
You need to continue..

Yes, it's over.
Deal with it.

Time and distance.. it is all around me.

R 9/15/16

posted from Bloggeroid

Another day.. screaming down that road..headed to the future

A nice long title..topic..
Just another fun filled day.. in a series of days..
Like that song says...the days get shorter as you get older..
Not that they are shorter...they just pass by quicker..and time moves on.. this month is half over..and it is not noticeable..
It comes and goes so fast..and boom its the next month.

Time

I am still just .. here.
Not feeling much.. not belonging..
After the past few months.. feeling more isolated.

Finding out I am not making any headway.. just surviving..nothing remarkable to punctuate my times..
New bills..even though trying not to spend my money.. trying to be responsible. . Doesnt make any difference..
Small windfalls.. equals new unexpected bills...
I know I can do better at managing my finances.. I have and know it.
But ..each time..I save money.. make extra.. a suprise bill surfaces..and its gone.
I spent the last month.. not going out..staying home.. not spending anything.. and have the same amount of money..and none for me..
Actually more new things to pay for..

This is not all about finances .. my personal life is exactly the same..no investment.. zero gain.. I have cut myself off from everyone..not intentionally..it just has worked out that way.

Just go to work..go home.. sleep and back to work.
Try not to fall asleep after work..because I will be up all night and late for work tomorrow. Then repeat..

Right now.. there is no happiness in my day to day..
None. It seems like I am avoiding it.
Trying not to hurt.. but soon.. I will be in that season..and dont know how to handle it..what to do.. I had hoped for busy work at home.. but none. I thought about motivation to better me.. no.. I am reading again..a worthy goal.. I am behind.. I can get caught up.
I have spent time..watching old dvds..and sharing with L
She likes it..
But I am running out of things to occupy my mind.
I have spent long hours by my self staring at a fire in my firepit..
Not doing anything special. .
I have unfollowed almost all my facebook friends to limit the mundane stuff. I am down to family and close friends.. but more go away each day. . I am close to just shutting it off altogether. Nothing but bad news..or reminders. .

Such a sad place.
I think it's scaring away ISTBA...he doesn't know how to deal with it.

I need a drive.. but cannot justify the cost. I have paid time off left..
I need to go..
Just no where I am wanted..
So I would go to be alone...I can do that at home.
For instance.. I got home tonight.. L was asleep.. I made dinner..ate alone.. and left.. just by my self.. now I'm sitting here.. alone.
Just not home.

I am not alone..just lonely.

R 9/15/16

posted from Bloggeroid

Hello Monday.

As far as Monday's go.. today was ok.
I spilled coffee grounds on the break room floor first thing at work.
Had a fairly busy day. Crunching numbers and researching tbe past.
Trying to make sense of past items on some spreadsheet.
I didn't sleep well.. the brightspot of my night was my phone.. reminding me I was not asleep..with a nice notice that I was remembered. I expected to be called into the boss to explain a screw up that cost $ .. but no .. not even another email on the topic.
Maybe tomorrow. .. during the mgrs meeting.
Not the reason im not sleeping... not even involved.
I spent all day Sunday home.. barely went outside.. had a fire after dinner..and a shower then to bed early..ish.. but no sleep.
Junk in my head.
With a mention on facebook.. I applied for a rebate on an expensive repair on my car.. filled out the online form..and was surprised to get a letter on Saturday .. stating I have been approved for a recall rebate..and the check is enclosed... only thing was.. there was no check... I called them this morning.. and the computers were down..and was told to call back after 12..
Oh the suspense...
I finally called at 1 .. they told me the check had been mailed.. and may come in a different letter.. if not to call back and cancel the check for reissue... or they could cancel the check and reissue one now..I decided to wait..
More suspense...
I got home tonight..after today.. with all I read..and the lack of sleep..and the tedium..
Checked my mailbox..

Lo and behold... a letter .. with a check!

So. A better end to a Monday.
I napped..made dinner.. watched more of my daily Dvd series with L.. and put the rest behind me.

Oh.. I did call my insurance company. .and start a claim for hail damage on my roof.. they will call tomorrow. That will be expensive... no way around it.. $1800 deductible.. and 50% of the cost to re roof..

Somewhere.. I have done something to cause me to pay ..
I don't know what..exactly. .but keep doing it.. keep preventing me...
I had a chance to make up for my shortfall.. and the plan was there..then.. nothing..
Something somewhere is telling me what I should be doing..and so far..I am not doing it.. not doing it right.

No one is calling me..texting me..offering any insight.. ISTBA..is murmuring. . But nothing intelligent. ...

I am just drifting.

Anyone who has really cared for me is silent..
I haven't asked for help.. but I don't. . And no one is noticing..
It is all on my shoulders.. the weight is crushing me.

I have dug my hole.. but it is turning into a 6' deep hole.. a grave..
A lonely hole in the ground.

You know.. I am not an escape.. not a destination..not even a waypoint.. I am a human..someone that feels and hurts and cares.
I give what I can. Sometimes out of selfish desires..mostly without any need of anything. If I have touched you.. it is because..you let me.... it was needed..meant to be..
I have always been ...'that guy'.. the one..the one you remember. .the one you ignore..forget...

I am forgettable.

A memory. . A ghost..someone you remember fondly..but forget why..
And as time passes..you wonder. .why at all.

The weak.. are attached..for all the wrong reasons..and still don't know why.. and never will.
They are ok..for the short term..
Reciprocal. .
You or I can accept that..
But not forever..not long term..

But at some point..you realize..you are alone.

Travel.. distancing yourself from your comfort zone. . Is a serious change... I have done it..a few times. .never easy..you have to be prepared for many of the differences.. and changes.. if you are not ready to commit. .to all that happens..all the social changes..you have to go through alone.. it becomes a prison.. a sentance. A point in your life..where hard changes become so difficult. .you flounder..
Or you wait...wanting someone or something to suggest.. to give you options. ..

In the end..it belongs to you.

You.

I am done for this night..

I can no longer complete a solid thought.

I am done.

Good night. .

Hey!
You can call or text me.. I will ALWAYS answer.
Just..saying the obvious

R

posted from Bloggeroid

Thoughts..all about thoughts.

My phone is my enemy. It needs work..or a replacement.
I could and should.

It has been 8 months..and 8 months before ..

We had 8 months of constant contact..now 8 months of limited contact. I said a while ago I was only good for 3 or 4 weeks.
I guess in long distance terms that translates to 8 months.
No I don't understand the why or what's .. I just know.. time.. and distance.
The time increases and the distance is the same.
I am sure there is a computation that has meaning for this.
I will have to look for it..maybe it will shed some light.
Probably not.

ISTBA tells me .. I am not going to know unless you tell me.
I do hear him. He always is whispering in my ear..but sometimes he shouts.. most times its hard to hear or understand him.

Yeah.. I know..lots of jibberish on here lately..
It cannot be helped..
I have an emptyness that is driving much of my daily thoughts.
I ..as always... have no clue what to do. ISTBA is absolut-ly no help.. so I turn to the malt..hoppy.. and it allows me to post..and ponder.
I am stuck here in my lost place.. no one or no thing to give me direction..no uncontrollable smiles.. no happy thoughts. . Just do what you must..pay your bills.. go to work..
My life has many questions I cannot ask. I just have to go from day to the next day.. fix what I can..and keep moving.
I have been reminded..'if you stop looking. .it will come.. ' bullshit.
If I stop looking..stop trying.. years pass and I am exactly where I was before.. and continue to be.
I have passed on offers..
Ocassionally regret it..but usually rationalize that it's all for the best..not meant to be.. and so on..

I admit..I have missed out because I passed on some things..
But... usually...I don't get what I want...anyway... tough!

I was very lonely and vulnerable this past week.. I reached out to a few. I got responses..and felt good about it. It helped.
But .. not more.. just for the moment...
I guess I have been that for a few.. the just for the moment.. solace.

I am too old.. I have always been too old for the 'moment' type... but it has sufficed.. more than nothing but not enough.

I am at that place..

I am not ready to give up.. but I was not meant to be here.. alone..

I cannot be with just me and ISTBA..

R 9/9/16

posted from Bloggeroid

End of the long weekend

Yes. It was long.
Lonely. Quiet. Uneventful.
I didnt do much.
Yes..I attended a house party. Someone I don't know quit his job.
His friends threw him a party.. I went.. I knew the hosts..
I met the bartender... the girlfriend of one of the hosts.. and the other 20 people.. not a clue.. no names..no conversations...
I was just some old guy sitting at the bar.
I stayed til 2..had a beer and 2 drinks.. and went home.
Sooo much fun.
Animals on Sunday.. worked on the bench on my patio. Read my book. Slept late Monday. Besides getting called into work.. fixed a cd player and 2 radios.. cooked dinner.. watched some Dvds and that was my day.
Tuesday...Is next.. work..and meetings.. budgets.. and not much.
I heard nothing from the storms... so probably gonna stay put.
No big deal..

I wanted something.. and yet no.

'You can't always get what you want'..

So.. I went out for a beer or 3.. and am sitting here...

Nothing else has changed.. nothing is planning on changing.
I have no idea what to change..or even where to start.
I can just keep doing my day to day. Pass the time.. wait for something to present itself..
It won't.
I would make that step..if I could figure out where to put my foot.
I do not want to be 'here'.. but I have run out of planned options.. and have no idea what is next.
I could do some things.. but..I have kept obligations..to tie me over.. give me that excuse.. to do nothing.

If I was only 'that' person.. I was once.. I have tried..
Someday.. someday soon.. it will be my only option.
I have spoken about it many times.. I could..

If I do.. you won't know..you won't have any notice.. it will just happen.
Then...

Find me.
I will hide in plain sight.. I won't be quiet.. but may not be me.
Maybe Mr. Pernes.
That way I can hide from ISTBA.

I hear Perth has work....

Enough teasing..
Many things have to fall in place..or apart..for that to happen.
But .. if I disappear..look there first.
Just saying.. and only this time..

I do checks.. now and then.. away from my norms.
Just to see.
I can. I could.
I'm not giving any thing up..just nothing.. nothingness. .
It could be .. selfsufficiency.. going off the grid..
Which would be so 'not me'..
It could be ..a stranger in a familiar place. ..
No one would know..
I have been 'me' for so long..If I wasn't. .no one would know.. even if I lived nextdoor..being solitary in this world is easy..
I don't know my neighbors..they don't know me..
If I changed my appearence..and my car..and my habits.. I could be..would be a different person..just another stranger.

Think about that..the next time you miss me..

Will you?

We are so reliant on connectivity... and electronic social circles. .
If you lose touch in a personal way..and rely on the electronic.. once its shut off.. will you know how to reconnect on personal level?...will you try?

Most give up.. and figure.. its done.

The electronic frontier was meant to connect us..
But it has reduced the personal communication and we suffer because of it..

'Text me'..
'Facebook me'.....

I am reduced.

I am lonely...

I am alone.

The reality of it all.

R 9/6/16

posted from Bloggeroid

September

Well, I made it to another month. Nothing new. Not much going on.

( this is added after .. go through the beginning. ... read through to the later part of the post.. )

Put my name in the hat for a work trip. Prob wont get it. Not important if I don't .. but if I do.. it would be interesting. I would get to travel for free. Go somewhere I have never been. Help out and be put on a list of useful people.. got to guys.. it would be work..and an experience.
I will see next week.

The rest of work has been average. My assist is out on vacation. Plenty of things going on to keep me busy. Nothing critical beside a computer with smoke coming out of it.. a couple trips to the mountains.
All fairly routine.

I may need to hire a new tech.. one wants to change shifts..and then possibly leave... but I have no one I can use to fill his shift..and cant increase the headcount. I would have to let someone go in order to hire someone to fill his shift then rearrange..

Personally.. just me and ISTBA. Hanging out. Cleaned off the patio last night and had a fire..a couple drinks and read our books. Tonight.. took a nap after dinner and ISTBA and I are having a couple beers... thus the blog attention. Primarily out of boredom. I could have stayed home and had another fire and read some more.. almost done with my book. But I am not planning on going out tomorrow. . So I figured I should tonight.
I thought better of it.. procrastinated..by doing the dishes..and figured why not.

One more day..then a long lonely weekend. No plans..nothing to do..on call.. and broke.

Not hearing much from anyone. No one new. Not meeting anyone. Keeping my distance from 'My bar'. .no real reason why other than bored with it. Same ole people but no real friends. Too many changes. Not as friendly. Food not as good. And so on..

I did have an old middle school friend ask to stay over last weekend. He and a friend came for a funeral and needed a place to sleep..and remembered I lived here. It was nice catching up.. I had not seen him since 1980 or so.. it was cool.

Reflection.

I have been looking at my possibilities. .
Thinking about where and why..
I feel I have removed a few options from the table. Not intentionally..but figure I have blown it. Made attempts and failed. Now.. not sure if I can rekindle or even if I should try. It would not be good if it failed. Bridges would be soaked in fuel and set alight.. I think the choice I made was good.. needed and right.. I know I didnt ruin a friendship. But not sure if it will cause an issue.. or if I can behave.

I have a history of behavior.

But.. because of this.. I am pained.
I cannot go with the expectation of not or with the expectation of doing... I know what I would want to happen..but no honest way to make the best of it..if it goes another way.
So..I have held back kept my distance ..to add to my loneliness. I could just plan to go with no plan.. and see what happens.
Not a good way.. so..I dont go..I dont plan..
I could make a step.. and travel in that direction.. and just see. Or.. I can just keep doing nothing.

Nothing.

On another front..
My Alaska friend..is occasionally asking about my well being.. told me she is staying on for another month.. but I have had to remove her posts from my feed..not following. . Because I do not need to see what she posts about her summer boyfriends.. none of my business. Not my concern. Not at all about me. So I dont want or need to see.
I dont need to feel jealous.. except it is not me..

A person.. wants to be wanted.. needed.. desired.. and once you find that..and have that..it is really tough to lose it.. more than if you never had it...
The fact that you are now without.. and have no prospects and really no way to change that.. hurts.. it is your fault that you are where you are.
You are preventing the new. .. well not preventing just not finding the new. ..
Not looking..lost..wandering .. not knowing where to look..where to be..

So.. just you and ISTBA hanging out.

You know.. one that caught my attention. . Asked for it. And I gave it. The next needed it and I wanted it.
Both are unique. Both gave me something I never expected. Made me feel wanted and whole. One totally confused me..until I saw just how confused she was.
Curse of the red headded.
I care so much. But I dont think I can give her what she needs.. or what she thinks she needs. It isnt me.
Yes.. I know this.
The next one.. I was there.. I am here..
I fell. Yes we stepped off the curb.. went that way.. and opened up..found a connection..and experienced a real friendship. Found a special connection.
I am recovering...trying to see .. I know some of the issues and realizations.. guilt. .sorrow.. questions.. those places a person finds themselves. .wondering..second guessing..stating they dont care..but in reality.. worry about every thing and every one.. how they appear.. how they are supposed to be.
Trying to keep the.people in their life close to them. Trying not to lose another important person..
And yet pushing away the ones that wont go away. .. because they wont... they are always there... always will be.
That is why you can.. push them to arms lenght.. you know they won't leave you.

I just added the note at the beginning..

So.. you do..and they prove they won't.

This has turned into a long post.

As always.. I am here.
I think alot about all of this..
I ignore a lot..because I don't want to hurt.
But I am alone.
I know it may be temporary. .
But .. the right now.. feels like forever.

R 9/1/16

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