Thursday.

Hello there!
Yep..Thusrday..
I have had a busy day..and serveral disappointments..
A long day .. with some positives.
Ditched yesterday..ditched by another today.. failed plans..broken dates.. and cold weather to add to it all...spring snow in Colorado.
And just as I thought the day was a total wash... I got a text..and a request for contact..
Barring the failed internet and phone connection at home. . Remedied. . It was reminicent..of a few months ago.. very nice.

I remember those many nights I talked you to sleep..
It gives me a pleasant glow..to know..I can be that person you are comfortable with to put you to sleep.

I hope it helps you sleep well.
You are growing..working through all of it. A little at a time.. it is a process.

Keep on going. You are doing fine.

Just remember. .not that I will let you forget.

I love you. I worry about you. I care deeply for you. I will always love you.

You know.. we need to have a deep conversation.
Deep. One that answers many questions in my head.

It will help me know ... Me.....

But .. I figure it is either a conversation that needs to be in person..or with a few drinks in us both.. so there is no walls.
I am a patient guy ..and it can wait. But I NEED to know.
It is just me worring about me...so not pressing .. but .


You know.. I am .. like most of us.. a lost soul.

I do not know where I belong.. or why I am here.
I can assign .. responsibility. . Reason.. justification..
I can take pleasure in knowing I matter..
But I have to make my happiness. . Because it isnt given to me..it isnt automatic .. its deserved..but never handed to you.

The key.. it to realize.. that is there. There for you. If you want it .
Its like that shiny quarter you see on the ground.. just pick it up.

Ok.. done for now..
Its just Thursday and I am just here..Oh!.. its now Friday!!!
Well... not a payday.. but I will get by.

Peace out!

R4/28/16

posted from Bloggeroid

Post time.

Ok.. I haven't been quiet these past few days.. but most of my posts have been Al Co Hol generated. And I have to admit..I do not remember posting the last few.
In the scheme of things that is fine.. you get what is on my mind..totally unfiltered.. raw.

Of course, sometimes it is news to me that I was even thinking that way.
Honestly. .. I am amazed it is spelled correctly.

So.. on to stuff.....

I am concerned.

I am not sure I am guiding my young adult properly. I am more than not sure what to do next.
Not to mention..she got a call today on my phone..about finances she don't have..that have to be paid..by me...
Such is life.

Distracted.. talking physics with a guy at the bar..

Amazing..but an interesting way to end a day.

Have to stop..
More later.
R4/26/16

posted from Bloggeroid

Not too sure about this

Yeah.. life will always kick your ass.. especially when you are not paying attention.

Oh yes..there are always reminders..
Those..hey you moments..

Yes, life will always remind you .. of who loves you..
And you need to remember why you love them.
And why you are alone.

It may be your fault. It may not be.
Sometimes you are given a gift..and if you accept it.it is yours..
If you miss it.. your loss.

Usually my loss.. and never recovered.

I am thankful for those that remember me.
And those that love me.

I just dont remember what I was supposed to be doing..right now..
I am so sure it isnt what I am doing.

So lost.. and no GPS..is gonna help..it cannot know me.
Where I am.. here. All alone.. just here. Wondering how I got here.. and why I cannot leave.

R 4/24/16

posted from Bloggeroid

Thursday

I have just read yesterdays post..
Who was that angry guy?

I dont have anything to add.
I am just me.
I dont change alot.

I hear..I am being compared..used as a reference... holding the candle to..

I have to think.. so.. why am I compared to others as the un- attainable standard.. yeah..maybe the bar has been set.. but that dont mean its beyond reach.. for them maybe.. for you.. never.

Just makes me wonder.. what the heck is wrong.

I still dont know what changed.
It just did.

Confused when I think about it.

I am trying.

R4/21/16

posted from Bloggeroid

Hello Wednesday

For a Wednesday... been pretty good.
Got up..had a full day. Made dinner..worked on an engine..
Talked to my friend.
Had beer. Reflected on my day.. chatted with my friend.

No issues.. just a complete day.

I will sleep and do again tomorrow.

You cannot understand what this means.
It was a nice day.and a nice end of a day.
I do need the contact.. and miss it ..
Life is so weird..and makes us think..

Yeah.. I am trying to move.. forward.. but it is what it always has been.. I am not what I guess I appear to be...just a lonely guy.. trying not to be so alone.. which never ever works.
Such is life.

My ex..mentioned..she has quit her job that was making it difficult for us to connect..but..reminded me..she is gone for the summer in 2 wks
So...nothing..

Story of me...

I really have never understood what this was about... I am exactly what they say they want..but never the choice they make.
Sure..I dont have rippling abs.. lots of money..a devil may care attitude..but.. I am me.. faithful.. loving.. loveable.. I can make you feel.. mentally and physically. .but you have to give me the chance..
And those that have... ?????????
Are you lying to me.. or have you blocked it out as some other justification? Is it just lies..? I dont need false hope..I need truth.
If it isnt what it should be.. stop lying to me.. if it is all that it was... what the hell am i doing wrong? Why cant I keep what works?

It must be lies..not what I have been told.

Hmmm

R 4/22/16

posted from Bloggeroid

Another Monday

It was..
But nice to text for a bit..
Some contact ..and it lasted longer than I expected.
C started with a dilemma..rather a request for opinion..
I supplied my two cents..
Finished cooking.. ate and texted some more.
Just day to day..blah blah.. but I appreciated the fact that she reached out to me.
M too.. I always love contact.. but.. have to behave and keep distant.. not like 2000 mi isnt enough.
One of the reasons im not planning a trip to CC.. I dont want to be awkward or a burden or even a reason for an excuse to be made..
Terrible way to think.. but I dont want to be the source of any pressure.
So.. I plan my coast to coast..and omit CC.

I actually looked for contacts at WPRI.. to see if there was a need.
And option..cause I know I could..

It would be better than sitting here..
I could ..
Easily..

No
Not now

Plans
And with the new guys taking over in 6 mo..options open...

I think..I have done all I can for my girl..and it is time her other parent start working to get her going.. I am no longer more than support. She is floundering and needs to start moving.. and I am not doing enough as a motivator.. hell..by this time in her life I was working 4 yrs..married and divorced..had credit and my own place ..

I know its a different age..but.. sleeping all day and staying up all night and not giving much thought about life.. is not where she should be..and im not enough of a motivator right now..

And not having much of a life of my own...isnt helping.

Maybe I should run away with Jenn to Alaska.. she would like that..
Rent my house to Anita.. and leave it all behind.. dont look back.

I need to figure me out.
Stop chasing the impossible..and settle.

Im not 25 anymore. . And this is what I have..

No youngin. Is gonna give me the time of day anymore.. maybe I should stop chasing the 40 yr olds..and start looking to the 50 yr olds.. and just give up.

R 4/19/16

posted from Bloggeroid

Cold and snowy in April

Yep..it is.
Been Staying home. No where to go.
Need a drive..but got to find a destination.
No where to go.
Got some chores or tasks to do..
That should keep me busy..just need motivation.
I have some parts on order..and should be able to knock some stuff out.
Had a meet up scheduled today..but the bad weather scared everyone away.. I went anyway..just incase someone came out.. nope.. just me.. so I made the best of it..drove across town and then went grocery shopping.. cause it needed to be done. Then home and chores.. laundry, dishes, lunch... some repair work..and a lot of nothing. Dinner..and then out.. but a quiet out..
Going home early.. and probably just to sleep.

Even ISTBA is bored.. I need to fix this.. change something..
Really need a second job..so I am busier.. and then..

July will be here..and I can escape.

Not really overly excited about this trip.. I was..but its taking too long..and I am me..and will need a total attitude adjustment before I go.. of course travel..will help.. getting out there..and driving.. even alone..is better than being home.. and I will have somewhere to go..and be.. like last time.. it will be better.
Come on July.. I need this.

Ok.. so I think I can persuade someone to hang out.. I just need to come up with something to do. Today's attempt was weather restricted.. she is a lot like me..and will talk herself out of what ever is planned.. and then decline.
But..of course money and planning is limited for now.. and interest wanes from day to day..
I need to figure out if it is going anywhere.. so far .. no.
But I should not give up... but I cannot control how they react..and know they have anything issues.. who dont these days.

I am never enough..or the right one ..or at the right time..
Or not the one approved by everyone else.. even when approval isnt required.. but is.

I dont have much else..so I should keep trying.. nothing is handed to you..nothing is easy..nothing is given..earned..

Kinda.. self defeating.. but it keeps the mind from giving up..
Hope.
Life tends to give you a swift kick..everytime you get happy.
And reality.. yes reality, makes sure..you dont get too complacent..
No reason to get comfortable. .or happy.. for too long.. if so.. you are just not paying attention.
It isnt meant to be easy..or simple.. no matter how long you have been doing the day to day.. no matter how hard you try.. or how right it was.. it isnt.. no surprize there..except ..almost never an explanation.. just done.
So those few times you can figure out why it isnt.. those have to count.. because most times.. you dont ever figure it out...

You know.. if I was a different person..I could understand.. it would make sense.. but I am ..me.. and dont get it.
I thought that somewhere. .it would be plain .. obvious..

Yep..your doing this wrong.. you should stop that..you will be happier...

Nope.

Not me.. I am.. who I have always been.... even after all this time.. still just me.

Not finding that one person that needs ... that guy.

I am so right for so many..but never the right one for the right one.

What to do.

R 4/17/16

posted from Bloggeroid

Getting better..

Physically.. getting better.. I self -suppressed my cough for an hour. So I know I can. I have not been taking any meds for the past 3 days. Only the uncontrollable cough now and then..and still congested..but much better.
Almost submitted all my purchase requests..and already have started receiving purchases. . 2 cars..3 studio cameras..8 full computers. More equipment on order.. one item pending approvals..a total win if it gets accepted.. still need to find 2 outdoor cams and get them ordered. Spent lot of their money!
Half a Million.
I have lighting project to finish..have to finish building computers.. install the studio cameras... so..as always plenty to do.

I got to get the projects started..or finished..so I can take off.
I could go..anyway..but want it to be nearly done. That way..no guilt. No concerns.. and I can enjoy my time away.

It is coming ... around the corner.. July will be here in no time.
I will go coast to coast..and it will be fun.

This week is weird..warm and sunny..the last few days..and expecting rain cold and snow for sat and sunday. Springtime in Colorado.
Well.. my front lawn is getting green.
I spent a couple hours cleaning and rearranging my garage..today..
I will start on my friends car next week.. and hopefully get it done in a couple three days.
I have boxes in my livingroom.. L .. and a keyboard piano on my kitchen table.. got to get the piano finished. I have a radio from fall river to finish. Got to get that done by july. I wont be able to deliver it..so I will have to ship it.
I need the motivation to get all this done.. I must force it..into motion.

We will try..we will see...

Got nothing better going on..

R 4/14/16

posted from Bloggeroid

Been sick

Yep.. first time in years..been sick..just a really bad upper respiratory infection. It took me down for a week.
I had many thoughts for posts..just did not feel like posting.
And of course..thought is gone now.

The only thing that comes to mind..is a meme I saw..about putting something important in a safe place..then forgetting where it was put.

Yep.. I feel like that.
Here I am..where I was put for safe keeping..if I was ever needed.
And you must have forgot where you put me.
Cause..I know you needed me at least once since then.. but I guess could not remember where you put me.

Life has it's way of kicking a person.. sometimes.. when they are down..sometimes when you need it most.. it still hurts..and usually leaves a mark... for next time...

I have lots to do at work..being out a week.. makes it pile up.
I can get it all done. I have made plans for me..and will make it happen. I will make myself enjoy it.
My kid is home..no idea what is next. No idea what she wants to do. My old roomate wants to move in..and pay this time.. may be the thing I need..but it will make my non-existant personal life tough.
No loss there. One more excuse not to attempt any relationships.
Looks like work and travel .. alone.. is in my future.
I am thinking..this will be an expensive year..and I should think more about a second job to take up any free time..go back to exhaustion and alchohol.. then I will sleep..and pay my bills..

I am getting too old..and no body wants this.. so its got to be me..
I need to cut the lil one free..so she can sink or swim..and just stop..

It isnt doing her any good..and me not at all.

Just digging a deep lonely hole for me..
I make too much money to be this broke.
$35/hr..and broke each pay check.. not cool.

Time for change.

J is moving to Alaska.. and.. Im too slow for anyone local..

Albany is looking for a Chief.. maybe time to sell it all and bail.
Move to New York..dont say anything.. pack and go..dump social media..and start over. Just me.

No one will even know.

L can go live with her mom.. and I can purge my life.

I bet no one will even notice.

R 4/13/16

posted from Bloggeroid

Another Monday

Yeah I know Monday's get a bad rap..
But usually Monday's are ok with me.. always good to be back to work.. things to do..accomplishments to finish.
Personal satisfaction.. but.. on the rare crappy Monday...
Nothing compares..
Cant finish anything ...stuff remains broke.. people are not happy... and thus I am to blame..
I amnused to it..
The what do you do look... when everything is running smooth..to the whay havent you fixed this yet...

I saw a reporter misusing an expensive piece of equipment..and told him to stop..and was hit with..i've been doing this job for years..you don't know what you are talking about..

Oh, I do.. I know if you break that..I have to spend days fixing it..and it is a pain in the ass.. it has been done before..

But what gets me is the lack of respect.. and so help me if he breaks it.. he is paying fo me to send it out..

Beside all that.. I am sick..have a bad chest cold..and am not sleeping.. waking up several times a night to cough..

My non-existant personal life isn't helping.
I have tried..and stuff keeps getting in my way..
I am lonely as ever..and even work isn't helping me stay busy enough..
I have atempted to put myself out there...but as usual no real interest..no one really wants to get to know me.. no surprise there.
I don't appear to have anything to offer.. I do..but cannot convince any of it .
I know ..no new revelations there.
The last person I asked.. started telling me why she has been single for the last 3 yrs...
( insert the sound of a crashing plane)

Nothing new.. no one wants me in their world.

Oh yeah.. I am the perfect guy.. but....
Go away.. I cant love you.. blah. Blah. Blah..
I cant believe it..even though I want to.. oh I want to..

My ex still wants me..but she is an ex for a reason...
I cannot go there...

Just me and ISTBA.. drinking buddies.

I know I am not alone.. and that sucks too..
We all should be happy..
But being me..I know ..

It is my own fault. I ignored interest..when I was putting my attentions elseware..and was then let go.. and of course..there is no interest anymore..then of course..there the interest I didnt see..and now its..you ignored me..so now im over you.

Nothing new.. I lose.

That guy.. right behind me... looking over my shoulder.. he wasn't truly happy ..leaving me alone..so now..just catching up.

My fault..totally..
I always fall for the wrong one.. at the wrong time..
History proves it..

Battery is dying. .
Night..
R 4/4/16

posted from Bloggeroid

To say nothing

My state of mind does not allow me to say nothing.
I have feelings to express. Points to make..
But I am restricted. I have no one to listen to my rantings.
Those that are around me ..dont care. . So why bother.
I have myself. And me .. and sometimes I dont want to listen to myself.

I need to move through this. No one cares why I am here in this issue..and if I cannot fix it.. it will continue. It will be ignored and hopefully forgotten.

Business as usual .
Continue being what people think I should be.
Or appear to be..

I dont know where I slid off the road..but here I am..looking for the pavement.

Too old for this.

R 4/2/16

posted from Bloggeroid

I can.

Yes, I have a thread.
Yes, I can help.
I can help my L find her way. I know she is an adult. But I can always help. I will always help. She needs my help and guidance.I am offering it and she must decide to accept .
She is intelligent. I also know she is exceptional and will do what she needs to do. I will do my best to help and support her decision.
I can be the voice of reason..she knows that...
I Will try.

The current events have consumed my mind ..my thoughts..I have to help her with her decisions, while she will still let me.

She is an adult. .but her parents are here to help.
I wish mine still were. I could use their advise.
But, they taught me well..and I must rely on that.

My personal life. .is what is is..and I will do what I always do..and most likely..end up alone.
I have a pretty good track record to prove it..that is why ISTBA is here.

I would really like to have a long conversation with the person (s) who did this to me..
Made me this intelligent idiot..
The one who is afraid to be me.. to open up to strangers ..to go for what I really want and deserve..
I have been burned and never really healed. And now am shell shocked ..and afraid of rejection. ..it hurts to the core..

Yeah..yeah.. I ..once apon a time. Over stepped..and attracted the few that were so far out of my league. .I was amazed and always wondered what they saw in me..to allow me in their world..
Of course..when they were done..pushed menaside and never looked back..leaving me heartbroken. .and wondering where I wen wrong.. just to put it away and move on. Many times for years alone.

Yes.. I have very fond memories..of my past..and someday I hope to get 'luckier' than that .. but.. the spring chicken..is not me..
So I figure..every minute counts..and I need to stop being indecisive. ..and make a beginning of the end..

Nothing dark there.. but I aint 20 anymore.

I have always felt I have something to offer the right person..and not sure if I believe that anymore.

I am the twisted loser I have always been..and it takes a bit to break through the layers I have had to insulate with..but if you care enough..you will find that door ..the one I hide behind.

Some have seen it..and most like it.
Some are frightened by it..
Some decide..it isnt for them. Not what they thought..

And so they abandon me.

No.. I am not bitter..but I know I could have been what they were always looking for..but could not see it (me).

I hold no hate for the ..C's...M's..R's .. and R's..out there.
But..I see where you ended up..and all you went through.. and it would have been different.

You know.. I started this about mine..and ended up being about me.

I guess..there is alot going on..and I ..not being happy where am decides what I am dewelling on...

History proves..if I am happy..complacent. .I have a clear head..and can figure out how to help..
If I am not having to deal with my personal status.

I guess that is a ME problem.

R 3/31/2016

posted from Bloggeroid