End of 2011

Well, it's the last week of December. I really don't know what to say, this has been a year. I have to say, thanks, today was the first time I looked at the 'stats' for this blog, and I was amazed that anyone is reading this. It is usually just thoughts pouring out of my head through my fingers into my keyboard. Not really very coherent, but 'cleansing' in a way. I have kept lots of this bottled up for so many years, it was nice to pour it out once in a while, without dragging someone into my personal hell. (except for those anonymous blog readers) - Even though I don't think anyone knows of this blog, (with the one exception of the person who swore they would stop reading it) I have always written in a way that only the ones who could figure it out would get it. nothing was clear, and will probably remain that way, sorry if your confused.. so am I. If anyone who is mentioned here, finds this, and figures it out, sorry, but not sorry too, if your in here its for a reason, you have made your 'contribution' and it is how I see it. I am sure you see the things I do differently than I see them, and the things you do differently than I see them too. This blog is about me, and my feelings, and how I sort them out. I am still me in the end, like it or not. I have someone who wants in my life, and I think they will run 'fast and far' as soon as the real life kicks in. I am not sure I want to be responsible for anything that could happen to them. Its too far from everything they know, and they could get stranded here. This past week was proof that my life isn't what people run to, no matter how bad they think their life is. It's all relative, based on perspective.'Grass is greener' effect. Sometimes I feel beaten down, sometimes (rarely) on top. Not sure a person can go back to what once was, knowing it is different and can never be the same, I have no problem making changes, like most people I can without thinking about it, If I think, I stress over the changes, and can usually talk myself out of it. I don't want complications(except there are always some there) you cant get away from them, there will always be work and family and bills. This past year was proof of that, $5000 here, $11,000 there, don't try to pay anything off, if you succeed, something creeps in and you have to start all over, Don't save for a vacation, because when you get back, you now have more to pay than you thought you did, plus your vacation, back to playing catch-up. Can you ever work enough? What do you do with 7 weeks of paid vacation if you cant afford to take it. I wish I could get them to just pay me for it, I'd put it toward the bills and have less to work for, and be less stressed about it, in the long run, it would be better than trying to take a vacation, which would end up costing me money and putting me behind at work and stressing me out more. On a different note, Thank you for letting me help you. It helped me and made me feel better. In more ways than one, mentally and physically. Unfortunately it didn't change my perspective to too long, I still feel the way I did, in many ways. Of course some good some not so good, but it felt nice to be in a give and take relationship for a short time. You wonder if I am ready to take on your baggage, and as baggage goes you have as much as me, very different and complicated, like mine, but that is what baggage is, we carry around, or it follows us around, and there isn't much a person can do with it, it can hurt us or the people around us, usually it just reminds us of our past mistakes, and of course that makes us feel "wonderful". I can think (that word again) about how I would handle your baggage, and what it would do to my life, and our life, and still am not sure how it would work out. You are not gonna let me 'take care' of you for too long, your just not that way, I could do it, and probably like it all the same, I'd get something out of it, even if I didn't, I'd probably still do it, but...I see.. and others see too.. I don't want to kill a friendship. I was reminded this has happened before, the result sucked, and I am not sure I want to invest in all that again, I am not sure I am what you really want, probably what you need, but not what you think you need, deep down you think you need something wilder, something I never have been, and you know that I am not. In the past I wanted to be that wild and did my best at trying, but I am what I am, and like I said before, I am not looking for complicated, too old for that, I want comfortable, fun and drama free. I know, its too much to ask for, but it would be nice. I am not saying we could have fun, and I would hope you would enjoy it for what it's worth, but would I (or you) be trying to change the leopards spots? And yet, it comes up again.. coincidence.. too weird. Gonna end this here for now, I guess if this is entertaining for someone, I will have to remember to keep it up. More later... R

Been a long time, lots has happened..

Well, as the title states, it has been 2 1/2 months since my last post. Must I say this: Thanks for the morning hang-ups, I never knew that you knew my work number. It drove me crazy for the first month, but I realize with the consistency, and the time the calls were being made, that you don't really want to talk to me, or even want me to know it is you calling, because you never utter a sound, I assume, just hearing my name, assures you I am still here. Since September all has moved along pretty much as normal. Work home work home, sleep. I did take a vacation to the mountains when a old friend from MA came to visit, we drove the round trip circuit from here to Grand Junction and back, it was mostly a lot of fun with a little drama on the 2nd day. But it ended well, and the trip was eyeopening for someone who had never been in the 'high country' before. The rest of us have been, pretty much the same towards each other, I did not let her new life bother me, no reason for it after all these years. I was actually happy for her, to have found someone, but it did end and she took it badly. she has come to grips with it and is getting better since she has worked it out in her head. Enough for now, time for work....

Well.. it's final. September has come... Nothing has really changed.. the past 6 yrs.. just like before.. now I have the document that proves it. I still don't know how to begin, or continue.. I want someone who will understand, but with that comes baggage, theirs, ours, and mine. I don't think I can endure that. although starting with someone new is tough, almost impossible, my eyes deceive me, my mind slaps me into reality, and my conscience corrects me. and I end up alone. It's a little hard seeing how easily others can move on, even if it isn't exactly right, but it's not for me to say. that is the way it was and I guess the way it will be.. R

alone.

a word. it's very matter of fact.
not a lot competes with it.
being alone. it has negative connotations to most people.
some like it.. the solitude.. no one to question or answer to...
it isnt for me.
dont like it.
i grew up in a big family.. always had someone around.
at least when it was good.

i don't think i can handle being 'alone' .. i need to be around others.
this has caused me grief growing up.. and prob will ,still.
not sure what to do or where to go from here..

thoughts come to me..
but the rational me says you wont be able to be any different
.. i know i wont... i need a friend.. that can help...
cause i dont know how.. 20 yrs.. and still dont have the guts
getting out there will suck as much as it did before.

... . . . . . . . . . .

trying again from my phone..

it has never worked before. but i try again. stupid phone..
i an 'sharing the drink they call lonlieness...'
it's all good.. been a tough week. not that anyone knows or cares..
but, it's all the same..

got to get up early on my Sat. for a work meeting.. yuk.
but tomorrows another day...

nite all...

:)

Change

Yep, that word.
Change...
sometimes good sometimes bad sometimes totally out of your control.

What you do after is the important thing.

Do you go back? Regretting the outcome?
Do you roll with it, learn from it?
Do you move on, stressing over it?

At this time.. I am rolling with it.

I have to.. I must learn from it.. why it happened, what it means.. and what I should do next.

There has been a few things that have made me unhappy so far this year, and it's half over.
I got to accept the changes and get motivated to make the last half of the year a bit better.
No one is gonna help me, I must do it myself.

I am sorry if I have hurt anyone,
I am sorry I haven't... I should.. but I am patient..

So many things need to be started and some need to be finished.. Time is the enemy here.. and procrastination  isn't helping at all.

Change...

R

gonna try to send from my phone

still trying

well...

Another weekend wasted on others that have no consideration for anyone but themselves.

Drama..

got a cal on Friday night.. better come get someone, they are passed out...
Great.....
But not the case at all.. so I left to go get them, arrived and found out the drama...
got to wait and see if something totally different will work it self out.    3 hrs later...
"just a few more minutes... You don't mind.. do ya?"
I wouldn't if I wasn't 'Designated Driver...' 
But, waited it out.. till after closing.. all was good..
BUT... the next day, regret.. or drama to sway the other ..

So... Saturday night... was gonna try to have time for myself....
Got a call, could you come take someone home, he's had a bad night and needs a ride...
(11:30p) [actual translation.. could you come, drop what you were doing and drive 30 minutes, to take someone home who lives 5 min from the bar.....then hang out till 2:30p while I make you wait...]

So, Sunday.. long.. and uneventful, laundry for all.. wait for the cable guy... and find out, drama, because the 'other' isnt answering texts.. then  isnt coming over as planned on Monday.. so now.. drama ensues, not happ all day Monday too...

Finally, at work on mon night... get a call, Going down to the bar, to talk, gonna have a few, can you come pick me up after work..get the other roommate to drive you down, and pick me up and drive my car home.
..sure.. is the other gonna be awake then? 'I already told her'.... then, later... after work...
gonna bring us both home... My reply was... Really?
Meant like.. are you serious?... taken as.. really ..thats great...

Did the chauffeuring..  got back. Inconvienced the other roommate.. she had to sleep on the couch.. has to work in the morning too,
(still up at 1:30AM)

I am not sure I think everyone is considering anyone but themselves..

oK.. done biTcHing......for now...

I finally got to have 2 drinks..by myself, but I will be glad for a full week of work....

:)

R

thanks

Really Ill get this

Pissed.. I hate it when I am right sometimes.

Eric you suck.
Don't ever try to say anything to me, public or not, you won't like what happens.
Dawn.. I think its best you don't try to say anything to me either. I will not hold back.

I am resisting the urge to say "I told you so... " and "see"
but you should NEVER blame yourself!
Something like that should never happen.
NEVER!
Stop trying to make it alright by saying you dont know what happened, what you do know is enough.
It is wrong.

Yeah, I should let it go.. your not my responsibility any more..but if anything happens to you, what about the person we share, how is she gonna cope with what happened to you.. What is she gonna learn from what happened to you, and how you are handling it..
Wrong, wrong wrong...
I am pissed.. rightfully so.. the filing isnt the decree.. so technically I am involved, and should do something.

All the things going through my head.. gonna get me in trouble, but it will be worth it,.,..Damn I hate people like that.
Arrrrrrrrgjhhhh

Feeling and meaning

I think I figured out the email thing..
Just not thinking clearly.. took me a minute..
Did ya get it?

I am thinking about feeling.. I don't know if I know how anymore..
I do, but never when I am supposed to.
Like someone I know, I supress, trying not to get burned, also I don't want to hurt anyone else.
It's too easy in this world to think only of one's self, and not the consequences of our actions on other people, especially the bystanders and innocents.

I have been without love and affection for so long, it is like a 2 edged sword, you crave it, but you can go without, you have for this long, why push it?

Yes, when someone taps into it, you 'feel' better, knowing someone noticed.., appreciated.. but you have to put up your guard, for you and them. then of course you think about the others..and step back.. because you have to. That does not change anything inside, just how it looks..

I used to explain myself this way, (now I just don't explain it), When I am 'involved' with someone enough to 'know' them, I give them a piece of my heart. It's theirs, weather they know it or not, and what they choose to do with it, is out of my control.
Some have tried to give it back.. I don't want this, I never wanted this.. take it away. (too much responsibility keeping a piece of someone's heart).
Some never noticed, Probably should never have received it, and have moved on, without me but they still have the piece. Probably was all in my head, and I didn't know any better.
Some have accepted the piece, and realize we are not ever gonna mention it again.. and have moved on with it and any fond memories around it.
Some realize later that they have it, and it really meant something, and still does..but.. what they chose to do depends a lot on their current situation and their perception of mine. If i don't say anything, will they ever?
No real way of knowing.

But, the whole 'thing' is, I know who they were and what they meant to me at the time..what it has become can change, but most of them may not realize how much they meant to me then, and easily I am still their friend, and don't forget those moments we had. Most have had completely different lives from me, and most don't need me anymore, but I will be there for them, if I am allowed.. even if it's just to check on that piece they have..to see how it's doing.

I know this may sound like I have a hundred pieces out there, and there isn't any left, for anyone else...but I never was one to give it away easily, again that is why it still means something to me, Just a few..and they deserved that piece at that time.. even the ones that hurt me bad.. and the ones that never really cared... I did, and it was my gift to them. Some may never know what it meant. But as I am trying to say, I know what it meant to me.

R

I got mail! :)

Hello, I got a card yesterday.. and a fortune cookie, fortune.. 

Made me Smile for a while....

I also got email, mentioning something about limited to 30 lines..
I got it..

I can hear you.

R  :)

i got mail

phone post.

hello

I just needed to post something.
I have a lot going on right now, most of it no one wants or needs to hear.
i only know of one person that reads these posts here anyway, so it isn't venting as much as being heard without saying anything at all.

Life continues to get in my way of having fun.

I am not sad nor happy at this time.
Still no plans to do anything fun or unexpected.
Thoughts of things to do.. later...

lots of things to do, now.

Time is my friend right now.
I need time and have time, and time is ticking away.

Tick Tock,

Smile a 'Real' Smile for me,
 :)

Hello..glad to know you are still out there...

The title should be taken for each of us.
I for you, You for me.

I am still here.
I know we can't talk much or often, I still enjoy the contact.
I had 1 day of smiles this week.  :)

I am working on my next steps.
Work.. Home..  etc.

As always I have lots to do and little time or resources to do it.

Work is coming together. My new/old assistant is diving in with both feet.
We have already solved 2 major issues that we have had for about a year.
We are working on the 'To Do' list and whittling it down.

Home is stranger than ever.
The '2nd Roommate' has been out of town, visiting her new 'beau'.. not sure where all that is headded.. I am assuming, she is making plans to move out, either with him or by herself. We haven't talked in about 6 or 7 months.

The '1st Roommate' has been acting much like the 2nd was when she first moved in.. all about 'Me' and not much else. I understand [to a point] but, there has been no contribution at all, [from either]..
And, of course, like the '2nd' was.. hitting on everything on 2 legs.. finding the attention amazing.. It's not amazing, she is pretty, and outgoing, so people find that intriguing.. Of course the 3 legged attention is getting shot down, but they are just as interested... I don't care about all that, I just don't want anything bad to happen..She is her own person, but the person we have in common would be devastated if something went wrong with all this attention. I care what happens, but, I want her to be happy.

I have paid for everything and done all the shopping since January (one or 2 exceptions..it is May already),
again I can say.. its in prep for when I am alone.. [like I am not already].
I don't get asked for any money anymore..Cigs, Beer, Gas... but all the rest is on me. (I do get asked once in a while to put Gas in her car..or mentioned 'we're out of beer', but less and less since I don't often respond - I stopped drinking the beer at home.. just Vodka now)
And the '1st' added a traffic violation bill [$5250] to the card bills I am paying. Yes, I suggested helping pay for it..but I am not getting any help.

Anyway.. I am still here.. and sorry I can't help you with your stuff, since I am part of the 'Stuff' your dealing with....

But,  could you smile for me? 
Thanks.... 

:)  ;)

R

What to say.

I do not know what was done or said.
I was asked a question and answered truthfully.
I am not the one that is going anywhere,  over here.
I have no commitments.
I am not taking anything from anyone.  Not my intention.

I understand I will not get a reply to this, and I know why.
I am good with that, children are the most important thing we have.
Above all else.

Only thing I can say is real friendship lasts forever.
Time and age don't do anything but make a real friendship better.

Do not try to contact, if you will suffer for it. Not what I want.
I don't think badly and hope you can work out your situation and be happy.

I am not hard to find, and don't plan on hiding anytime soon. 

I still care.

Smile. or
try to smile.

:)

First,     I am your friend.
Fourth,  I will always be your friend.
Third.   You are my friend

R

not sure well.

absolut-ly lost phone post

not sure

and yet another..

not sure

another lost phone post..

This Blog is titled correctly

Well, dont know what to think.
When you get a msg from someone, that feels like it was written by someone else.
It comes from an address that automatically goes into your spam, because it isnt an address you get messages from.  Lucky for me.. not the norm, I looked  in the spam folder before emptying it. ( I usually just hit delete spam...) That keeps happening to me.

Well, I never wanted to create grief for anyone, especially a friend, Not my intent, never. I am not a selfish person, that only thinks of what I want, I have tried, I just can't do it, I wasn't brought up that way.

All I can do is apologize for any grief my friendship has caused you.

I will respect you.
I do respect you.

 And sorry, but I will always be your friend. No one can change that.

First, fourth, third.

But, being me, I understand, it isn't all about the numbers.

"Arghhhh!"

R

Day better than night

Curious?
Today was better than last night.

I worked a full day yesterday, went up, came down, Went home, went to work,...
Ended up wondering where someone was, and when they didnt make it home, went looking for them.
Feared the worst, though better of it, wondered if it was deliberate.. after driving 30 min each way from point A to B and back, still not home.. Went back out, same destination, different route.. nothing. getting worried, confused.. started looking elsewhere..got a call.. 3 hrs later than the last msg.. everyone is OK.. but was unable to call and wont be back for 2 more hrs..

That worry was over.. the next is on its way.. what to do,
Cannot say what I think, or feel.. that would be wrong and inconsiderate.
It was an unfortunate experience... for them... the not knowing for 6 hrs was unfortunate for me.. but, understandable.. given the circumstances.
I was good, supportive, not judgmental.. concerned, but will know more in about 2 months.. How much, how long..or nothing at all..........

So after 2 hrs sleep and a full day of work, winding down to start work all over again, and back to the mtn if the needed part comes in in the morn.

Getting tired.. need to sleep..
g'nite..

(just a rant, nothing that concerns anyone that reads this.. just needed to vent)

Roger

Here we go again.

lost Phone post - Not a clue what I was trying to say..

well you missed it

I tried to post several posts. And I failed to send them. Too drunk to successefully hit the right button. They were complete and correct. But - could not find the post button.
Basically: - I am a jerk. -
I don't deserve to celebrate anything good that is good that happens to me.
It's all about you. Always.
I don't matter, never did.

R

how long?

So, good news...
The question is how long do I go before I tell anyone?
Anyone that is important to me and really cares, or really needs to know, has been told... Those that should care, won't ask, won't notice, so I will wait till they do,or till I burst..

Probably not the right thing to do, but..
I hate being taken for granted, and hate being ignored, but I am used to it.

R

Time for a rant...

Ok, I realized a few days ago,

Back in 1994, I was 'waiting for you to leave me' I told you so.
I figured it was only a matter of time.

Then life happened, kicked us into being together..

Now after 17 yrs.. I am 'waiting for you to leave...again'
I am not wishing it, I am not trying to make it happen, but how much can you take me for granted?
How long can I deal with you pulling further away?
You dont even eat with us much any more.. you rarely come out when I am home, if ever.
I know you don't care anymore, but please.. we are supposed to be friends, dealing with the situation,
I feel you are minutes away from stepping away, and not looking back.
You work, and contribute nothing.. You are not asking me for money anymore, but I haven't seen a dime of your paychecks. I am still paying all the bills.. Yes, your paying for your cigarettes, and your going out money.

I can't ask about it, because it will start a brawl, I also can't do it all.
You are just another roommate, that isn't paying any of her way.

> $4000 and we are free and clear..  then what?

Everyone wants a piece of me.. and they are getting it..

Still lonely and feeling used too....

R

Missing you know who...

Hello.
Just thought I would mention, I am missing you.

After the week  that has just been, I could have used a note from you, to brighten me up.
I did think about you, that helped.

Although, I am loneliest after a week like this, with no one to confide in. 

Still thinking of you, and missing our chats.

Trying to smile... : | 

Please smile for me..

Roger

see

See...ok, - was told it's time to go.. Don't order another .. So I go out and Warm up The truck. . Come back in. Nothing.. So I take off my coat and blog... Both are drunk, one is looking to get lucky, the other is pissed. I think I need a drink.

bad week

It has been a bad one. Boss out again, tons of stuff that needed to be done, no time to do it. Stuff blowing up, crisis running amuck... Stayed cool and level for the most part. Went back into work after 2nd job, at 10, worked til 2:30a, went home and started all over again at 7. The big boss was in my office at 7:30 asking if the latest was fixed yet... Now after a bad afternoon, and a 'let's get the hell out of here" night job, down at the bar for all the drunken drama.
:)

At&t and texts

Well.. after a week of the new work phone(blackberry) I have just discovered that I do not get texts forwarded from my main personal phone.... Calls I can get.. Texts I don't.
And there is no way to get them on my phone, unless you sent them to the work number.

So if you sent me a text.. I didnt get it. Sorry...
My personal phone has been off for a week, and ATT only keeps messages for 24hrs...

So either I wear 2 phones, or I have everyone I know only call and text the work number.

I hate being out of touch,..its just so lonely..

:(

Hoping all is well

Thinking about contact.. Hope it wasn't too much.
Hoping you are just busy, being home again today.
Or maybe you can't because your not alone today.

I understand,
Just worried you may have gotten in trouble.(I hope not)
The last thing I want is for you to have any grief.

We are here for each other, to brighten the others day without adding to the stress.

Smile if possible, even if its just inside.

:)

Hi..

Hello,
I just have to wonder about technology..
Just when I figure out how to send an untraceable email on my phone to a web email address, my phone stops allowing it..

I replied to a text by phone email, and it came back as not deliverable.

So after looking online I found that it has to do with the differences between text msgs and Multi-media Messages..

The short of it,  I can email from my phone if I send it as a MMS (easiest way to do that is to include an attachment.)
Its frustrating because it used to work..type the text press send options and send to email.. enter email address.. viola... but now I have to add an attachment.

Communication would be so much easier if the cell phone co's would get it together...
Well at least I found out how to add a toll free forwarding phone number to my phone if I need to.
(free 100 minute trial and $9 /mo if I want to keep it,) or I could change the number and go with a different Toll free trial...


HI :)

Roger

I get it..

Ok, just a lil rant.. that is what this is for..

I get it.. we are not together, haven't been. (weren't supposed to be)
but, we share a few things.

home, expenses, kid, etc..

We are generally good to each other..

But, I know this is in the end run, and we need to go our separate ways.. even if we don't separate.

I have always thought of you as my friend. but I get that we aren't .. I get that your friend(s) are not mine by association, 20yrs of living in the same house means nothing now that you are moving fwd.

So, I should not expect to be included, invited, acknowledged.. I am nobody to you as far as anyone else is concerned..
And now that you have your own $, you dont need me, or my permission to go anywhere (never did) but now you don't have to feel obligated to include me.

I should just get over it.. and get on with it.. get a life...

I understand that working 8 hrs a day is tiring and stressful and that you need to unwind..
So I should just leave you alone unless you need some one to unload the day onto, cause I can listen and let you vent.. ..you know like you used to let me vent to you, after my 14hr day..
(that's why I have this blog.. but I don't dare talk about work.. especially in writing.. for all to see..)

I get it..

R

Ok.. do we need to talk?

Hi,
If you don't know it by now, ...You make my day.

That being said.. I hope your not gonna get yourself in trouble doing it.
I don't want that!

I get the feeling you want to talk to me, more than about the weather and work,
I am not sure if you need to unload all that stuff you're keeping bottled up or something else.

Do you just need to vent?

I know we are not supposed to be talking to each other, Or texting or chatting..
I was asked to stop, and I said I would.

But, if something is eating at you, and you need to spill it..

You have my ear, or eyes if you want to send it to me.

I am your friend, for life, unless you say otherwise( I know how to walk away.. did it before, because I thought that was what was needed.)

I do not want to bring trouble for you, or be trouble for you.

But...

If you need to talk to me, I can make arrangements (untraceable) if need be.

Maybe I am just reading it wrong.. making something out of nothing. If so, no sweat.
I am still here for you my friend.

You do make me smile.. I like that a lot. Like you I need something to smile about a little more often than I can admit.
You do that for me.. I can return the favor.. it's only fair. 

:)  

R

A New Year

Not much to say, the last few hrs of 2010 were very much the same as the rest of the year. (without any of the bright spots)..

I ended up home by myself till 11:15p then drove the 40min to await being the designated driver. The last 10 or so mins of the year were better, but now I am home and can have a drink, by myself, and reflect on just why I let myself be this way.

I never used to be this way, sure I was lonely, but I had friends that cared, or appeared to care,  now I don't even have that, no one is even faking it. I am not even sure I know how to make friends any more. (I really don't think I ever knew how.) Usually it was what I can do for someone, that made me their friend. Sure there were the little few that stuck around after getting to know me.. most ran as fast as they could, til they needed something else...

Enough of the pity party.. onward with 2011...Let's see who I can piss off this year.

Merry New Year.