Feeling and meaning

I think I figured out the email thing..
Just not thinking clearly.. took me a minute..
Did ya get it?

I am thinking about feeling.. I don't know if I know how anymore..
I do, but never when I am supposed to.
Like someone I know, I supress, trying not to get burned, also I don't want to hurt anyone else.
It's too easy in this world to think only of one's self, and not the consequences of our actions on other people, especially the bystanders and innocents.

I have been without love and affection for so long, it is like a 2 edged sword, you crave it, but you can go without, you have for this long, why push it?

Yes, when someone taps into it, you 'feel' better, knowing someone noticed.., appreciated.. but you have to put up your guard, for you and them. then of course you think about the others..and step back.. because you have to. That does not change anything inside, just how it looks..

I used to explain myself this way, (now I just don't explain it), When I am 'involved' with someone enough to 'know' them, I give them a piece of my heart. It's theirs, weather they know it or not, and what they choose to do with it, is out of my control.
Some have tried to give it back.. I don't want this, I never wanted this.. take it away. (too much responsibility keeping a piece of someone's heart).
Some never noticed, Probably should never have received it, and have moved on, without me but they still have the piece. Probably was all in my head, and I didn't know any better.
Some have accepted the piece, and realize we are not ever gonna mention it again.. and have moved on with it and any fond memories around it.
Some realize later that they have it, and it really meant something, and still does..but.. what they chose to do depends a lot on their current situation and their perception of mine. If i don't say anything, will they ever?
No real way of knowing.

But, the whole 'thing' is, I know who they were and what they meant to me at the time..what it has become can change, but most of them may not realize how much they meant to me then, and easily I am still their friend, and don't forget those moments we had. Most have had completely different lives from me, and most don't need me anymore, but I will be there for them, if I am allowed.. even if it's just to check on that piece they have..to see how it's doing.

I know this may sound like I have a hundred pieces out there, and there isn't any left, for anyone else...but I never was one to give it away easily, again that is why it still means something to me, Just a few..and they deserved that piece at that time.. even the ones that hurt me bad.. and the ones that never really cared... I did, and it was my gift to them. Some may never know what it meant. But as I am trying to say, I know what it meant to me.

R