End of 2011

Well, it's the last week of December. I really don't know what to say, this has been a year. I have to say, thanks, today was the first time I looked at the 'stats' for this blog, and I was amazed that anyone is reading this. It is usually just thoughts pouring out of my head through my fingers into my keyboard. Not really very coherent, but 'cleansing' in a way. I have kept lots of this bottled up for so many years, it was nice to pour it out once in a while, without dragging someone into my personal hell. (except for those anonymous blog readers) - Even though I don't think anyone knows of this blog, (with the one exception of the person who swore they would stop reading it) I have always written in a way that only the ones who could figure it out would get it. nothing was clear, and will probably remain that way, sorry if your confused.. so am I. If anyone who is mentioned here, finds this, and figures it out, sorry, but not sorry too, if your in here its for a reason, you have made your 'contribution' and it is how I see it. I am sure you see the things I do differently than I see them, and the things you do differently than I see them too. This blog is about me, and my feelings, and how I sort them out. I am still me in the end, like it or not. I have someone who wants in my life, and I think they will run 'fast and far' as soon as the real life kicks in. I am not sure I want to be responsible for anything that could happen to them. Its too far from everything they know, and they could get stranded here. This past week was proof that my life isn't what people run to, no matter how bad they think their life is. It's all relative, based on perspective.'Grass is greener' effect. Sometimes I feel beaten down, sometimes (rarely) on top. Not sure a person can go back to what once was, knowing it is different and can never be the same, I have no problem making changes, like most people I can without thinking about it, If I think, I stress over the changes, and can usually talk myself out of it. I don't want complications(except there are always some there) you cant get away from them, there will always be work and family and bills. This past year was proof of that, $5000 here, $11,000 there, don't try to pay anything off, if you succeed, something creeps in and you have to start all over, Don't save for a vacation, because when you get back, you now have more to pay than you thought you did, plus your vacation, back to playing catch-up. Can you ever work enough? What do you do with 7 weeks of paid vacation if you cant afford to take it. I wish I could get them to just pay me for it, I'd put it toward the bills and have less to work for, and be less stressed about it, in the long run, it would be better than trying to take a vacation, which would end up costing me money and putting me behind at work and stressing me out more. On a different note, Thank you for letting me help you. It helped me and made me feel better. In more ways than one, mentally and physically. Unfortunately it didn't change my perspective to too long, I still feel the way I did, in many ways. Of course some good some not so good, but it felt nice to be in a give and take relationship for a short time. You wonder if I am ready to take on your baggage, and as baggage goes you have as much as me, very different and complicated, like mine, but that is what baggage is, we carry around, or it follows us around, and there isn't much a person can do with it, it can hurt us or the people around us, usually it just reminds us of our past mistakes, and of course that makes us feel "wonderful". I can think (that word again) about how I would handle your baggage, and what it would do to my life, and our life, and still am not sure how it would work out. You are not gonna let me 'take care' of you for too long, your just not that way, I could do it, and probably like it all the same, I'd get something out of it, even if I didn't, I'd probably still do it, but...I see.. and others see too.. I don't want to kill a friendship. I was reminded this has happened before, the result sucked, and I am not sure I want to invest in all that again, I am not sure I am what you really want, probably what you need, but not what you think you need, deep down you think you need something wilder, something I never have been, and you know that I am not. In the past I wanted to be that wild and did my best at trying, but I am what I am, and like I said before, I am not looking for complicated, too old for that, I want comfortable, fun and drama free. I know, its too much to ask for, but it would be nice. I am not saying we could have fun, and I would hope you would enjoy it for what it's worth, but would I (or you) be trying to change the leopards spots? And yet, it comes up again.. coincidence.. too weird. Gonna end this here for now, I guess if this is entertaining for someone, I will have to remember to keep it up. More later... R