end of Jan 25

2025.. 

End of the first month.

New president.. 

A new boss soon..

Superbowl sunday.. working..

..

I still have a broken car in my garage..and work needed for my daily driver.. got to get the broke car working before I take the daily off line..just in case..

..

Of course work my regular day..and any needed extra days for coverage.

I have radios coming in for work..and my other side projects..and the misc house repairs..

..

I have to stay busy.. 

I can always try to sleep.. but my schedules..keep me busy.

..

R

end of january

Been working hard these past weeks .. been hoping to get to a normal place. Just doing the day to day. 

All I can do is keep on..

But..I am here doing what I have to..

I need to figure out some vacation time..and something to do or go..

I have an idea..but need to inquire. 

Im sure. .. It could be fun and worth the trip..

I need to plan..

R

called in to work

So, adding to my weekend.. Brian is out sick so I was asked to cover. 

Never a problem..  

So.. gonna work 5days this week. 

All good for more OT.

..

I did get to walk today with M. We did the south side for a change.. it was cold, but went well. ..

..

I realized in my last post..im kinda in a weird place.  Not sure whats the cause.. 

I got a text from a friend, and tried to explain it when they asked how I am..

" Im doing ok. Been a weird couple weeks..I think the energy around me has been testing my patience. Nothing serious just a bit weird."

Its the best explanation I can come up with. ..

Im getting to that place where I am wondering what to do next.. 

Next is 9 years away..but I think I need to start thinking about that.

I should have started a long time ago...

I was planning on having someone with me to figure the future out with.. someone to give me a reason not to wing it.. L is one thing, but eventually they will fend more for themselves..

They already are less and less relying on me. Which is how it should be.

..but that leaves me more on my own.

...

I realize some thing..is off..not sure what..I dont know if I need to define it before I can fix it..or If I accept it, and can move on back to normal.. hopefully its that simple.

..

This..what ever it is..effects my deductive skills.. lessens my confidence and holds me back.

I dont like it..

..

I will keep moving forward and see what I can do.

..

R

ok..its cold

I need to figure out the car.. im thinking its a problem related to the dented kick panel.. and the tweaked pillars.

Not sure were to start.. i think..i need to adjust the rear door..and fix the lower strike..so it works.. then see i f the front door will close..otherwise.. I will have to flatten the kick panel.. and maybe move the pillars.. 

But.. maybe there is enough adjustment..

If I move the rear hinges..the lower strike will be further out. But the front door may close.. I think I need 1/8"..for clearance....to get the doors to meet. 

I have to figure it out..

...

So..over to my personal stuff..

..

Im kinda lost. I have no object..no plan.  All I have is work.

The only constant.  As uncertain as that is..but it does give me something to do each day.

..

I want..need.. something..

As always.. Never sure..always.. in the back..alone..and continuing..

Hoping for..that..

R

more..

So..that is what is ..now.

I do not know how to get this across..

I feel bad..that I was not helpful..

Im not always in tune and frequently wrong..more so as I get older and wise enough to realize I can be wrong..

It stresses me..that im out of touch. But I have pushed myself out to insulate me from the stuff I have no control over.. 

Stressing over that stuff just hurts. And dont go away.. so we continue..and try not to hurt. 

..

R

issues ?

Not sure.. I can guess..

Probably guess wrong.. 

Usually do..

But, I know L is stressed..I see why..

Not anything can be done about it..

Wait and see and adapt.

No use stressing about things you cannot change..what a person needs to do is figure out how to minimize the effect it has on you and those close to you. 

If the issue does not directly affect your day to day.. you have to work on the things you can do to lessen its impact on your life and day to day activities. The political affect usually does not trickle down to the average person.. we deal with the after affect and try to keep our heads above water and do our best not to drown in the stress or negativity.. we must lookout for our own sanity.. and deal with all the rest after.. 

Law of survival..look after you and yours first.. make sure you have what you need to continue..then deal with the adversity.. to minimize the effect it has on you.. and continue regardless.

More....

routines

This life is full of routunes.. schedules and attempts to keep us in a stable mode . 

Morning routines tend to become automatic.. go through the regular process with out thinking, ok to be half asleep.. I tend to get out the door with all I need to get down the road..hopefully nothing interrupts the flow..and I dont forget what I need to remember. 

Usually it all goes well. 

..my week is all routine.. and daily I get to do nearly the same thing every day.. waiting for things to pop up.. minutes of critical stresses.  But there is things to fall back on when its normal and steady. We have scheduled tasks and projects.. if things break or require attention, we get it done.. 

It is what we do..what I do..

As long as I have things that need to get done..I can keep on doing what I must. And find purpose.

My hobbies are time fillers..and I found a way to monetize it..and make some money..

It is fun to fix things and I get satisfaction from that.

When things fight me ..or I have no Idea what to do.. it bothers me..

But, I get over it.. hopefully I learn.

R

grumpy

Weird day.. 

I slept poor..got to work reasonably normal..read my book for 30min in the car. Went in..and was hit with a few emails..and then had a discussion with the local IT.. and got grumpy.. it did motovate me to create a diagram of what they needed..took me 3 hours..but sent it and got a simple question, answered..and probably the situation is covered.

Now, maybe the will leave is alone for awhile..

..I will have apologize to James tomorrow..

...

I still dont know what has me on edge.. 

.. 

Hopefully it will pass soon.

I dont like the way I get.

Short fuse, grumpy.. easily offended..

Things I usually dont show..

So..I got busy, and occupied and worked through it..

Now, a full belly and hopefully a good sleep.. Friday will go ok. It was a bit warmer today..and better tomorrow..

..

Even L was off tonight. Not talking..could not decide on dinner..or even if they were qoing out or having food at home..

I got them Chinese food..and went out..

.. 

Lets see what tomorrow brings..

I will make some beef mac and cheese..and go to work..

..

I got house tools and car parts..I still need to figure out the doors and get Revington out of the garage.. maybe warm enough this weekend..I have searched for video help..not much our there... 

I will figure it out..

..

The filter housing qill be a challenge, but I already had the front off recently, so.. it should be fresh..and not to hard to take apart.

Still will drain the radiator.. 

Pull the nose loose, pull the fan..and tie off the hoses and take it apart..clean it up and reassamble..refill burp and should be done.. 4 hours or so..

I hope.

..

Tasks..

..

R

ok..Im ok..really..

I think..

Really my opinion is all that matters..

When it comes to me.

..

No one is interested in what I think my state is.  I am not dangerous..not worried. I do what I must, and keep going. I really have no idea where I am headed, but I will get there eventually.

..

I know I need to plan more. I have been trying..looking forward, I know I will need to save more in the next few years.. I have made life changes to get closer to a position.. it really is all on my shoulders..it always has been. Now I am paying a little more attention. I dont think I have made any changes that help too much.  I did look at my future money and realized where I was did not provide..so I changed jobs.. it is a tough situation..but.. im able to do it..and if it holds out.. I can continue to build the retirement money..

And someday retire.

..

I need to start a plan to salt away cash..in addition.. start putting it into my savings or buy a certificate.. it may be something to figure out.

No one will help me ..I must help my self.

..

I had planned to share this with someone in this time of my life. 

..but just me.

Maybe I can get L established enough to take over the house..and I can disappear.. go walkabout... Probably not..

If retirement and SSI survives, with my current input... I may be able to support some kind of lifestyle..

I realize I may have to downsize.  And rely more on L's income to supplement...but..im still proud, and hope to be able to find the right mix of income and expenses.

Lots to think about in the next 9 years..

.....

So..being said.. I broke 6 figures again..second time in my life..5 years apart.. but.. its a restart.. as long as the place dont go under.. I will go on.

..

The past few months... I have had some bonus cash.. we got a refund of the AI loan.. I figured I would calculate the precentages that L and I paid and split it.  L paid more so they got the same precentage. Literally all L paid they got back.

I put my part in savings..

...also...my accident paid out for thw car damage..so far I have bought $450 of parts out of the $3500 they paid.. I may need to ask for more.. to pay for a pasaenger seat and a fender.. 

...

So basically I have some extra cash in my checking account.

..

So as I look forward..I need to keep paying off the extra stuff and watch what I spend..and plan for tomorrow.

.

I still have radio work..and it trickles in and adds up..

I cant live on it..but it can supplement what I need.

I am up $2k since my July trip..

Last year was a light year..lots of requests, but not alot of takers.

But it is all word of mouth and no advertizement..

..

It all keeps me busy..and not dwelling on my personal life.  

..

Oh well...

R

where am I?

Not a real question..

I know.. I am here. You are not.

No one is.

..

No one.

..

Im not even sure if I am here.

Really. 

.. my reality is mine alone.

Apparently no one wants to share it.

At least not that I have found.

. . I respect that I was raised different than most that grew up when I did.

The social circles I was in..was limited..and no one stepped out of that. I was detached for a while and found I could not return.

And I was seperated..and further pushed away from what I knew and needed to remain who I thought I was. Here I am 20+ years later.. all by my self.. limited contact with my family.   No longer young..and severly confused. As a parent and an individual. Trying to live in this life. Trying to stay sane..

.failing..  but continuing..

No one to anchor me..no one to offer help or guidance.. support..even.. recognize my state.. I am abandoned..left to my own.. no support. 

.

.

Thanks.

..

..

R

better today

Today is better. 

I started working on a project to make a project better. My current dead device is got me stumped. It had bad components, I replaced them. Still dont work. I am finding lots of over heated wires with brittle coverings.. cracked and flaking off. Also brittle connectors. A few missing voltages.  One of the multi connectors may have a bad wire.  I need to look for a diagram or a manual. Not a simple quick fix. 

.. oh well. 

I will keep trying.

R

angry

Got your attention.

I ended the day yesterday and started this day.. in a bad mood..I was easily opinionated..and vehemently so...

I had been assualted via work email by the person responsible for network security and most of the difficulties the corporation inflicts on our attempts to do our jobs .. the mental frustrations too it toll on me yesterday and last night.. 

I decided I would flip it back to the minion responsible..and make the statement that his issue was his, and not mine..my equipment is necessary and if his job was to keep the connections secure..he needed to do that and keep my required equipment functioning.. 

Dont touch my equipment and it needs to be working once he is done doing what he needs to do to keep us safe......and his paycheck coming in.

..

I explained this to my supervisor and our IT guy.. and calmed down.

..

I also looked at an alternative connection scheme..that will make this whole situation go away..for my and my operations benefit..not his.

.. this circuit has been working fine for 20+ years.. it will continue till they tell me to shut it down..

....

.

So..my girl will be 29 on friday.

Im old..and Iam happy she still thinks of me as a good Dad.

..

We get along great and she has been a good daughter. 

I love her very much.

...

.

.

There ..it is in print..never question it.

I have done every thing I could to keep her safe and teach her what she needs.. 

She is her own person, responsible and loving, caring and a over all good human ...

.

..

...

Me.. well.. im just me.. have been for so long..and not much has changed..

A few bright spots..and some happiness..but primarily..just me.

I have only L as my achievement..

..I should be happy with that.  But wish I had some personal happiness to add to this chapter..

I am going though the motions ..the day to day ..so I can justify my existance.. so far I think it works... 

No glowing satisfaction..but no disappointment..

..

Yay me..

Alone me.

...

R

no title.. empty

Yeah, feeling empty.. changes coming..

Looks like looking to local eats for Saturdays.  Not much in mind, winter is tough for restaurants.. and few we like.. will have to see whats open..  and we may have to consider takeout..or maybe pizza at home.

..

I feel like I need to find more tasks to occupy my free days.  

I have car stuff. But a cold garage..

I should just do it.

Then I have a little radio stuff..but some..and old projects Ive been putting off..

No one to inspire me..to occupy my time.

So I am back to .. just me..

A familiar place.

...

I need to finish the car..and keep doing what is required at work..

Hope the new boss comes soon and is easy to work with.

We have lots to work out.. hopefully it wont be a difficult year.

..

I have some concerns..but hoping to keep my head down and do what is required.. and keep my job.

..

I made $100+ this year..

Nearly as much as when we replaced the transmitter..

These days, I guess im underpaid..

And with inflation.. no where near enough.

No, Im not broke..but not ready to retire.. I cant afford it.

...

As always..it is all just me.

No partner to help.. I should not expect anything else.

Here I am.  Just me.

...

Thanks.

R

Eleven

Snowy day.  Cold but not frigid.. 

Did my early morning stuff.. then worked on modding a radio. I need a housing for the display.. and an allen wrench for the channel knob..

I need to ask if he wants it, and if he wants it detachable.. then I will need a jack and plug... And I need to figure out if I can fix the amp with the relays I have.

...

L and J asked if we could leave the Saturday P-town drives for the Summer.. I agreed.. I was doing it for L.. but it became a ritual.. not any more.  Maybe we will go back to Sonic more...once it warms up..

..

Im running out of weekly rituals. Our schedules have changed .. and places to go.

..

But the new year is changing stuff. 

..

Subtle little changes here and there..and now its different..

..

.

So, I calculated the first paycheck of the year.. still being overpaid! The holiday pay and the coverage days lowered it, but still more.. 

Lets see if the new boss figures it out.

100k last year and add 6k of overpay. 

And I am under paid compared to the rest of the area??

I just need to keep on for another 9 years...

..

But.. another 10 years alone..not sure..that will be tough....well it is what ive been doing most of my life..really if you examine it..all of my life . 

I have been misled and duped..many times.  Never had mutual love..

Yet here I am.. surviving..as a sole entity..with no idea..I never had one.. as to why..

Nothing new, not even a clue.. no prospects..not meeting anyone. No old friends coming into view..

No friends to suggest anyone..

Just stuck..Ive given up even looking..

Too old. Too useless..

Just me.

Always just me.

.

R

more...

I was not feeilng great last night, so I ordered 1 drink and a desert.. finished both and went home.

At home I did verify the external frequency counter for Enie. Hopefully I can find. Suitable housing. 

I still need to convert his radio and fix the amp.

..

The car doors are waiting too.. its a bit warmer.. maybe tomorrow.. supposed to snow.. 

..

L's birthday is next week.. and I suggested brazillian grill.. she took Friday and Sunday off. 

..

Work tonight is catch-up stuff, fixed a couple cameras and a light and working on a microphone. Gave up on the space heater..looks like a shorted micro.. 

..

No other projects..maybe the hdd ..and I need to build that power supply.. I guess I will drill out the blades and put in bolts. It is High Amps.  I should buy some volt /amp modules.. so I can build two more.. 

..

I need to print out the end of the year documents and start sorting for taxes.. think about what I need for a Will and think about a trip.. 

Maybe local ski trip or a visit out of the US.  

...

I dont have anyone to help me figure this out.. L is almost 30 and is spending less and less worrying about me..and not any advance plans for us to do things together..

It is obvious, I need to be more about me and find things I want to do and do them. 

...

Yes, I want to reach out..and ask..but I cant..and probably won't.. 

Im forgotten..and was never established beyond a friend.. 

...

.

The last few months blew by..here we are in 2025.. 

No real difference except the spare car repairs.. and rebounding from a car accident.

All on me.. 

..

Blah...

R

nearly

This coming pay period..the first of the new year. Lots of hours on this check. 16 hours holiday plus 16 hours holiday worked.38 hours worked and 20 additional worked and 17.7 hours overtime. I need to calculate it to see if its still over pay..I think it is.. 

Maybe 6 hrs extra ot.

It was supposed to have been corrected in September..

Now the manager last day is Monday..no replacement yet..

We are still doing the scheduled tasks. The new tech has not started yet, an operator is on FMLA so he is covering for him.

So just Brian, James, myself and Mike.. 

The new used doors look good.. no inside panels, no mirror.. but the correct color and fit inside my car when I picked them up.

I got the rear door off and mounted the new one.. still have to fit the inside panel and fix a wire. Then I can start on the front door.. I will have to straighten the kick panel a little.. 

I am going to wait till it gets a bit warmer.

More..

R

weekend

I worked late Friday, was up reasonably early Saturday, took out the trash, got groceries and gas. 

The tuner arrived for the radio. I attempted to install it.  The directions were confusing and it did not seem to be working properly.. the sellers phone number was truncated and no email.. so I messaged him via Ebay.. he called me back.. and I explained.. he went over the install instructions he provided.. and I could not locate the cable with the 3 connectors.. and it turned out to be my fault.  When he aaked me if I had the cables needed..I thought they were there..half were.. the other was not.

He is sending me a cable.. I did offer to pay for it. ... I should have it next week.  Then I can send it to my brother to use. 

...

Tomorrow, I plan on trying to get the doors open.. maybe go to see Ruben..or drop off and install Jeffs radio and find Hunter to collect some money.

Or sleep in and maybe clean the house, change the bed sheets.. 

...

It is supposed to be cold again on Monday. I am planning on a 3 hour each way drive to go to get the doors.  It may snow .. I also need to find the moving blanket and measure the door to make sure it will fit inside. If not..I will have to strap the big door to the roof .. as far as I know, im going by my self..

Hopefully the weather will cooperate. And the doors will fit inside.

...

.

My back issues continue.. im good the day after an adjustment..but still having tingling in my hand, and sore neck and back.

I wonder if the adjustments are not complete enough..or im just so out of alignment it either isnt enough or goes right back after im adjusted.

..

.

Nothing new anywhere else. 

Not sleeping great and my days are either too short or way too long.

Not having memorable good days, lately. Just another in a series.. yeah, im working, making money paying my bills and doing it all again.. jist kinda of same old same ole..

..

I have not reached out, and as always not had anyone reach out to me.

No one other than work people passed greetings.. 

No visitors. No requests for appearances.. just quiet.

..

So starts 2025.

..

R

tensions

Start the year off.. 

Tension.

Work is strained, no onw knows whats coming, everyone is stressed. I an trying not to let it rub off this time. My manager is leaving, the supv. Is stressed with that and his family. The lead tech, is stressed over the political climate and corporate and the building climate.. he has his set of issues, but leaves them home for the most part..but like me, he is worried about our department and what is next. I think he and I should press forward and get our stuff done and not wait for anyone to change our minds.. 

..

My pay is still the same.. my shifts have not changed. Still being over paid with 2 hrs OT each day. 

No complaint.. 

..

More later...food is here.

Continued...

Food was poor.. 

It was a chicken pot pie.. made inba skillet..the crust was like a cookie..not a pie.. no real flavor, plenty of chicken.. but not much veggies ..too many potatoes.. needed spices. And salt ..I added pepper...a few times, but didnt save it.

But being hungry, I ate it all.

..

Its cold..gonna be for a few days.. maybe driving to Connecticut in a snowstorm..

Fun.

..

Well, back to work..

R

New Year - 2025

Ok.  I found another post in my drafts.. I saved it and deleted it.

Nothing worth posting.. so..

I will start over.

...

Welcome to 2025!

..

I have bought the replacement doors for Revington.. I plan on going to pick them up next Monday.

I took the plastic off.  And tried to pry them apart.. not coming easy.. but I am sure they will.

..

Work has been slow..getting a the last list projects done.. I tweaked my neck and back.. had two migranes in the last two weeks.. the last one lasted an hour! ..so , I saw the Chiropractor..she helped a lot!.. She said my neck was tight!

Still had temporary numbness in my fingers but much better. 

Maybe I can sleep tonight. 

..

Tomorrow is Friday.. late shift and no real projects to be doing. But always stuff to be done.

..

I went to Jeffs last night ..his radio was acting up..so I swapped him out.. we talked till 1:30a.. I went home.. set the coffee and showered..then was on the radio talking to Jeff till 2:30a.. got up on the second alarm.. got dressed.. did the dishes.. and went to work , still got to work early.. stopped at the grocery to buy coffee..for home.. went to work and read for 30min.

.. turns out Jeffs radio was just operator error.. the wrong switch flipped..

Im glad it isnt a circuit issue..

..

The tuner module for the old Kenwood is on the way.. if it goes in ok..I will send it to Dave.. he will need to learn how it all works..but Im aure he will like it. He will use it.

..

Im playing with the transmitter spectrums..hoping to get one working.. still waiting to get the new one...

........

Allison is apparently doing well. She has her Guide license and been doing tours.. looks like she is having fun...

..

I am going to activate my new social media pages.. Ive only added 4 people.. I will add them as they ask..but it will be a much smaller list.

.

Looks like MOTM is only gonna be me.. L and J are afraid of the political atmosphere.. not wanting to travel..

So..If Im going..I will go alone ..

..

So far the northern snow skiing has been poor.. maybe it will get better ...

I have no one to go with.. so it would be just me..

..

Or...maybe go down to Central America.. always an option..I think.

..

Maybe..2025..is my year to embrace me.. just dont worry about anyone else..and just do some exploring..and see some stuff.

..

I realized years ago..it does not matter how good you are.. no one wants me for more than a minute..

If Im delayed..I miss out and try to catch up.  Im left behind..

Im not young..and definitely not handsome or rich enough..so I should throw in the towel. Just try to do the stuff I want and forget trying to find someone to impress.

.

.

.

Lets see if I can.

R