Stuff

Ok..
I am going to do a classic brain dump.

A few things .. now.

I am sitting here next to someone that looks incredibly like E... she is Nicole.. and is here with her boyfriend.. but so like E.
Spooky.. she knows me from a few months ago.. I could not stop staring at her..and she came over and talked to me..

Next.. I know I am over here.. on the back burner..
Not sure why. Several things.. one..
You are interested In someone...and must be singular.. to be fair..
Two... think I am involved..which I am not... and trying to make it easier... I would tell you..or both..how much you mean to me..
Three.. not getting the signals I can decode.. not making progress..
I think..I am wasting my time. I am not able to see where I am beyond a friend.
More friends are good..but......
I guess I can accept a new / old friend.

I just (as usual) .. I dont get it. I m just lost..
ISTBA.. speak up for me.. you know me.

Done.
.

R

posted from Bloggeroid

Things to do

Yes.. too many things.
Not enough things.

Have to think about damage control.
What am I gonna do next.
I have to make good on all this.. pay the piper. Cash out and put the nose back to the grindstone. Time to start thinking about it all. Forget about me and my and immerse into just paying for these past couple years. I will be happier.. just working.. and paying my bills. I hate not having spending money..not that I spend it on me.. but living paycheck to paycheck has always sucked.. and im too old for this.
Having a life or trying to is expensive..and I have been failing at this for so long..it gets old.
I need to get over me..and live in my reality.
No one who should will help me. And it is all on me.

I figure this will be my last vacation for a long time.
I know I will need one..but I cannot.
So back to the grouchy old man.. plan on it. My coworkers hated that me..and he is waiting....
I cussed out an employee today.. tired of his taking advantage of me and my friendship.. I will fire him if he keeps it up.. nothi g personal.. but I gave him a chance..and he is blowing it.. 1 yr.. and still comes in late and does the least amount of work.
Im done..and he will be.
I hate being taken advantage of.
If I still have a job in August...he may be looking for work.

All that aside.. I cannot be busier.. stuff breaking..roof and floor leaks..new equipment that isnt working properly.. corporate wanting to know all and the new owners in the building this week.. stress..can we say stress....
And days away from vacation..oh yeah I need it.. but if it all falls apart while I am gone.. I wont have a job when I get back.
Blah..blah..blah.. woe with me...

I will figure it out.. I hope.


R

posted from Bloggeroid

Summer

Here I am..summer of 2016
As always.. single. No one to share it with..
Except way back in 1992.. always alone.
Im sure I always had fun when I was young..but later in life ..you work..have a moment or two to enjoy the bit of summer before more work.
So mine will be spent as a dad.. and by myself.
Yes I have made it possible to be in a crowd..for my vacation..but just me and my daughter.. not being home.
It would be nice to share it with someone.
But..me being me..ends up with me.
Boo hoo..
Yeah yeah.. (so says ISTBA)
My friend has it figured out..
I just keep hoping..
I have not given up..but know..here I am.
Not much changing..
I have said before..I am not suave enough to catch the eye of anyone. If I try too hard..I get shot down..and if I 'play it cool' I get ignored.. if I just put me out there. .. I become the 'friend'..
No winning..always gonna be alone..
Reliable..trustworthy... but by myself.
It could be worse..but I cannot handle being by myself.
Which is why letting my daughter not adult..
I could push more..but then.. I would be really alone..

If you havent figured out yet.. I dont do alone well.
And being a shy..introvert..I am screwed.

To put myself out there takes effort..and sometimes I can do it..
Sometimes I come across as all together..and secure... thanks Adam..I might have learned a lil from you.
I just cant do it 24/7.. I m me.. geek.. ( im beginning not to like that word) but I try because..I deserve more.

But.. here I am.. just me.

Never simple.. always a chore..

It's what it is.. I have tried..and know I am not making enough impression.. I cannot appear to be too desperate..and try too hard..
No one wants desperate..

But really we are all desperate. We as humans want companionship. .no one wants to be alone...

Many of us figure out how to be singular.. rarely want it..
Sometimes it happens.

Some of us learn to live that way..
Some forget how not to..
It defines us..and we live it..forgetting how to let someone in..they try..we cant remember how to let them in..

Then there are those..that cant figure out how to make it work for them..time and distance appear to get in the way.. and we all make excuses why it wont work..what we cant do to allow the right person to occupy that empty space.. where we both would be happy...
Excuses are there.. but its like the old movies where the biker goes for the preppy girl..a match made in heaven but not acceptable. ..
Not what was expected..

When people connect..it means something.
Chance isnt it.
People from different backgrounds... getting together..is what it is all about..

It means so much more to overcome localized adversity..to find that 'one' that helps you be 'you'. A real relationship brings out a lot In People..both can see changes.. and it brings out the best In you.

But..me and ISTBA .. keep eachother company..
As always..

R 6/21/16

posted from Bloggeroid

You must learn things every day...

Yes.. sometimes it stuff you dont want to know..or realize..
Live and learn.. that is what they say.

I still cannot figure out the whys ..

I wont.

Sometimes its fun trying..
Sometimes its just disappointing.

Yet..I keep trying..
Someone somewhere will see it..
Maybe.
Hopefully I will see it when it happens.
Probably not.. I will be totally oblivious.. and miss it as always.

Hello ISTBA! Welcome back.

I will just keep trying. It will never give me the results I need.
But I will keep on.

For all the negativity here.. I am an optomist..I think I can meet the person that will get me..like me for me..

It has been a long time.. and yet here I am single and still trying to figure it out.

Oh well..ISTBA.. The next round is on me.

R 6/17/16

posted from Bloggeroid

Hi!

Its nearly mid June.
I have a few things to do before vacation.
If the speed bumps of work life will stop. I might get something done..
I survived a serious virus attack..and recovered or replaced what was needed...mother nature is reminding me we are at her mercy.. technical failure of ancient equipment is there...
Personal family issues and personal problems as usual.
Lonelyness..and insecurity..where is that next $ coming from or going to..
But.all in all..my attitude is good..expecting time away.. vacation.. and its stress.. decisions have been made..and money spent or allocated..
Something to look forward to..
Still by my self..still just Dad.

No regrets..just second guesses..

I need to focus on the things I can..knock down the items keeping me from being estatic.. one or two at a time..

I try not to be too complicated or difficult.. but either choose the difficult or the complicated... why??.

For a while..it seemed that was all there was..
But ..realization..we all are just that..complicated.
If you cannot handle that.. you should have stayed married to the lezbian..no..complications..there... HA!

One thing about that.. you knew not to try.. it just wasnt.. and it was what it was.

Now 20 yrs later..here you are single and a mess.. you sucked at relationships then..and after 20.. you know nothing still..

Too slow..too fast..
Not able to pace yourself or anyone else
Your timing sucks..and no one 'gets' you.

Your old..and dont feel it till some young thing reminds you..
You old fart..
Ouch!

My phone is dying..and need to go to sleep.

Brain dump...

Just me.

R6/13/16

posted from Bloggeroid

More tonight.

I am still not remembering what I wanted to say.

But, working on it.

You know..I am really a simple man.
so..Like most ..I am not where I thought I would be at my age.
Many disappointments. .and many triumphs. I have acomplished a lot In my life so far..
Personally.. I know more about me..
I dont understand why I am here at this place... not in a Million years.. my dreams were so different.. but here I am.
My attitudes have changed slightly..but I am still me.

Life can throw many things at you..and some you can duck..some hit you head on..

You grow. Or die.

You still wish..wish for that 'happy ever'.

That is what we were taught.
That is what we tried for.

Then reality..

Yep.

R 6/7/16

posted from Bloggeroid

Lots of topics..

Well, I had lots..
I had thoughts through out the past week..things I said..should go in my blog...of course ..I cannot remember one.

Maybe they will come back..while I am typing.

So..
I am in the simple changes mode.
I am changing my routines..
To mix things up.. just little things..
Spending more time at work..and more time at home.
Cleaning..organizing..doing the things I was putting off.
It is typically less expensive..and I am making progress.

I have dusted off the excercise equipment..doing yard work..rearranging my garage.. spending time on my patio.
Planning my trip.
I just tinted the windows in my car. Changed my tool storage..optomized it..and made it neat.
Waxed the car top to bottom..for the first time.. did some rewiring.
Prep work..

Really..all of this is because..ISTBA.
Yes, he is back. Fortunately he makes me realize I have been neglecting many of my mundane tasks that eventually need to be done. But I am busy.. not sleeping.. getting stuff done.
I have completed 2 projects. .working on a few more..got repairs coming in.... making a few $.

Still..ISTBA is there to pat me on the back.. job well done..or its about time..


I have figured..that I either try too hard or just not enough.
Actually I knew that aleady.
But.. as usual I dont know if I am making a difference...if I am wasting my time...well not a waste of time..just do I need to rethink where I am.. ISTBA..is whispering.. 'friend'..
I know I am fooling myself if I think more... I want more..but not reading between the texts...
Too vague.. mostly.. 'friendly'
I am not saying that is not a good thing.. I can always have more friends..people that 'get' me..
Most people I know fall in 2 categories.. simple and complex.
Simple is the average. Never much to worry about. No agendas..
No real connection..a take it or leave it type of relationship.
Complex.. takes effort..involvement..
Most people are not that committed.
So..most of the people I know are of the simple type.

I have lived here 14 years..
I have 1 complex friend. And that is only recent.. I have know them and been around them for 13 yrs.

Case in point.. that is why I am here..in a bar..by myself.

It is sad..when the you are in a place you always go..for years..
And the only person that knows who you is the bartender.

I am conditioning myself..or re-conditioning myself to be a homebody..I can do it..its less expensive..and the expectations are low.. there is plenty i could be doing at home. Even trying to sleep.

I have my trip.. and if it isnt disappointment. . Even if it is..I will have to recoup.. after..so staying home may be my best option.

Sometimes I wonder.. I have my own home and can entertain..and have a nice place to be.. and cannot find those..that dont want to 'club' but would love a place ..that isnt home..to hang out and do nothing more than look at the stars on the patio by the fire.
It is nice by myself.. but......


Yes, we all are a bit screwed up..no one is perfect.. overlook My minor issues..and think..that we could be good for eachother.
If anything..give us more than we have..right now.
That..isnt so bad.. it cant get worse..
And if it isnt all it can be.. we are always gonna be friends..
I never throw away a friend.. too few..too valuable. Too scarce.

Well...I am not sure..if its an eye opener..but as always..
It is what comes from my grey matter..

R
6/6/16

posted from Bloggeroid

Review..

I was looking at my stats.. thanks for all that take the time to read this.
While looking through..I found the comments page..I have only had one posted, besides my own comments.

But I ended up reviewing my posts from 2013.

Boy I feel like if anyone read that..they would think 'what an obesessed weirdo' I am.

True..I get attached and hurt when its over.
It never is that easy to give myself..be involved..and then watch it go... it just hurts.
Yes. My over thinking takes over and I always make it worse. Then it hurts more..
I try to move forward..and usually figure it out..
It never means I dont feel it.. or that it didnt mean anything.

It always hurts.

Well maybe the past shows my commitment and that every relationship..no matter how short, matters to me.

I did find..that as I read through.. I remembered all that it was.
And know that it is over. I always care and always will.

So.. here I am..just me.
ISTBA. sitting here with me..
Telling me about his time away.

R 6/3/16

posted from Bloggeroid