time..

Time is a thing.. it can be a good thing..'give it time' a friend used to say...

Well, time.. has been moving on.

I was young and single and broke..time let things change... I got older and was learning and training and I did a few things, and didnt do a lot of things..

I had lots of friends.. and so-called friends..many acquaintances.. 

Some I will forget..some I will never forget. I can say there are more than a few I wish I could forget, and likewise..  a few I hope to never ever forget. 

I have been a fairly nice guy my entire life.. I feel I was raised right..

I learned many lessons to allow me to treat people right ...and have a clear conscience. 

I cannot say I have ever been deliberately mean to anyone. 

I have endured bullying..and walked away when most would do something they would regret..

I have been used, taken advantage of, mistreated, fooled... Left..and persecuted. I have been blamed, accused falsely.. and ignored .

...

All I ever wanted was to be loved by someone I cared for.

I usually give 100% and get less than that in return.. it is the way ...what I know.. usually I am ok with that . .. some is better than none .

I can get none from anyone.. 

Yeah, I have mistook kindness ..even pitty, for interest..reality hurt.. but you go on.. take what you can from whatever you get, and go on.

I am really simple ... Not too hard to decipher .  

I am a nice guy.

I do not want to change that. 

I see lots of video saying if your too nice ...it wears off..you wear out.. no one really wants a 'nice' guy.. 

They are not 'fun' not exciting....

Blah blah blah...

No..im not an asshole, stalker.. user, mooch .. indifferent..

I am a guy that just wants to be happy. .  And I want to make the one I am with happy too . .  Happy to be with me..as happy as I am being with them...

If that is not what you want...stay away from me..you will break my heart.

..

Period!

..

I am too old for games.. too old to have to figure out what you are trying to do to me .

.. 

If I am not what you want .. not worth the effort.. just tell me.

I have been thinking and agonizing about what I need to be doing..

And it is all bullshit..

If you want me to try to be in your life..you need to stop. Stop playing these games.. I never signed up for a challenge..I dont want to have to figure out if I have to not be needy.. but still be interested.. 

I have let myself be hurt..devistated! By the one I fell in love with.. 

I spent 20 years trying to figure out what I was doing wrong..only to find out it was never me..

When it was over.. I needed to learn to live over..

I suck at it but .. I am trying.

I am a nice guy. .. a geek . .. and a healthy old guy.. 

I had money..I chose easy and poor ..

Now I plan ..to change that .. if it works out. .. I wont be 'un' comfortable.. it will be one less thing I will need to worry about.  

Maybe I will be able to live with less stress..in the future..

...

I made the job change 2 years ago ..to head off the turmoil of Covid .and ransomware viruses and corporate sales..ownership changes.. those things I had done before..

Now..I see that in this stage of my work career..it is a mistake..I need BANK! I need money to fall back on..

Im not 20 or 30..or 40.......

I dont have years ...decades of employment in my future..if I work 10 yrs more..it will because I have to..not because I can..or want to...

... I have put a lot into what I do..and can do..

I am nearly done.. 

I would love to do something I like ..

For the remainder of my work career..

But...

If I have to buck up and do the impossible..I will.

..

If it is by myself..so be it..

It would be better with someone to share it with...

Someone.. that gets me..and I get..

...

Pipe dream..

..

So..

I have invested time .

Will it pay?

Or am I wasting...TIME...

My time..your time...???

Yes...being..a level 9 nice guy...I worry about you too..

Not just me..

....

I guess that is why..I feel so alone..

...

There is not a good reason why .

It is just is .

...

I apologize.. for no reason.. except.. I must..for my own conscience..

It is all on me .

..

I really wish ...we did not have to wade through these games... 

I care. .. I want to work through this.. and want to be with you. 

I want to be happy.. and want you to be happy..and with me.

..

I cannot force it..

I wont..

If you want to let it go ...again..

So be it.

I do not know how..to proceed .

If you want to play the game..

I will fail.

I dont know how ...I dont understand the rules..  never did...

It does not make sense ...not to my warped mind..

...so..if you want me..cause I want you..you need to think differently.. be real..be up front .. dont play..

Really..we are too old to play games.. either you want to be with me or not .

..

Do you?

I do!

R