ten minutes..

Not really a long time.

..

At least it was a morning start.

..

Got up and made my list and did my shopping for the week.

Got home put away the groceries and worked on david's radio..most of the day. L has to work tonight, so we went to dinner in Hyannis early and got back. I chatted with Jeff about his recovery for a few hours.. while finishing David's radio . Answered  a few emails.. it made for a busy day .

I have laundry tomorrow and vacuuming.. its supposed to rain then snow then rain..so not a good day to be out .

...

I have a radio that has been sitting in the todo pile for a month, i will open it up and take out the blown parts and place the parts order. I may also drive over and drop the mic and radio in NB.. before it snows.

And I can check on the one from Florida..see if it has sat ling enough and see if I finally fixed all thw intermittent wiring issues..and get it in a box if its ready.

So, a few tasks to do..nothing pressing. I do have a radio coming from up north in a couple days. That will bump up and get done in a couple days. ..

...

The limbo of the possibility of another job change.. puts me in a question about this summers road trip. I dont think I can even plan yet till I know if Im gonna have the time off... I will have to remember to ask to continue my vacation acrual where I left .. then I will have enough vacation..to be able to rally! 

But, if i dont change jobs..I shoukd be able to ask and get at least half the time needed.. the rest I may be able to bank.. I just need to find the extra cash for lodging and gas ..

L may not be able to get the whole rally off..so we may just end up doing a portion.. and come back.. 

Im hoping at least Grand Junction and Montana... Maybe we can swing back through North Dakota..to add another midwest state to my continental travel.

.. if not ... Maybe next time ..

It wont be the first rally ive missed..

Probably wont be the last.

...

..

.

I have blocked all those relationship feeds on my pages. . it was just pushing me further.. solidifying things I already knew.. 

Yeah.  .. Im a 'nice' guy.. they finish last .if at all ...

No secret formula is gonna save me from preprogrammed attitudes..the ones that tell younger women that they dont really want a nice guy . .. they are too boring..

The jerks rule.. the nice guys dont.

No matter how many times a woman tells someone they are done with the jerks ..done being mistreated and threatened..beat.. cheated .. ripped off . ..that they just want a nice guy .

They, think they can..and either their brain rebels... It cant be real..he will disappoint. .dump him..make him your friend .. keep him close. ...just in case..but go for the jerk . ..he will be more fun....or a friend asks why. Why are they not with a better guy ......

So they question..and its done.

FZ! 

..

The story of my life ..

..

I have gone back years later and asked ... Why did that happen? 

I thought we were in such a good place.. the response was. .  I cannot believe you dont hate me.. I do not know why I did that to you.. I really liked you...........

...yet, here I am.

You would think.  After a little time .. age and wisdom take hold.. common sense... If you like what you are getting..keep it.. if not walk away, reject it.. if your looking for something better.. pass it by ..and keep looking . 

If you think you are not worthy.. say so. You may be surprised.. you probably are more than worthy and just what they need ..one of those win wins...

Everyone could be happy.. just what we all are looking for...

...

Honesty, Respect, Understanding.

It all has to be mutual . 

It is not difficult.. it can be.

...

How does this work?

I still do not know .

R

closer. .

Yeah.. but far away. 

...

I am conflicted.

I know im in a place.  This new year ... I may have overstepped..but..maybe just too late.

..

I totally get . .  Personal physical insecurity.....

But.. It is an excuse .. in the end .. that is not the concern.. 

Really.. if you are not happy with how you perceive yourself.. that is not a factor with the person who is interested in you.

Physical appearance is not the reason for attraction..not on this level..it is a gift. But never a requirement.. the interested person will find physical attraction through many other things.. but ultimately..the attraction on any level is mental.. in the persons mind.. the physical is a justified attraction. 

Even if you were a supermodel.. the mental attraction would be more powerful than the physical.

Plus it lasts longer.  Time does not diminish mental attraction.

To limit yourself..or your partner to your own perception of your physical beauty..is bullshit! If they find your attractive qualities..and are keyed to them.. why push them away ?

...

I have had purely intellectual attraction.. the physical was limited and not important...

But...

Physical display of the depth of the attraction is ...can be a wonderful thing.. enjoyable for both..

It can meld your lives together..join your souls . .. prove your attraction.

A mental connection is great..a mental and physical attraction can be bliss. 

...

Im not young anymore..

I want to stop having to hunt for the place I want to be.

I have been here ...in this frame of mind ...for so long... I realzed many years ago..it was not where I wanted to be..but it seems that..it is were I end up ..

Its not a bad place..it would be better to share it ...

...

So , end of the month..

The start of the year had promise..

But, quickly went back.  

The jerk that I always am..wonders what I did ....

Or didn't..

I was a hero for a short time...

But that wears off..

...and here I am..

Yes and no ...I am not ..

I only would like to find what ive been looking for ..for so many years..

But, here I am..doing what I always do..and getting the same results.

No..I cant get her to constantly think about me.. I wish I could.. but..I am attracted to strong independent women..not the wimpy push-over type. Not because I want them to 

dominate..I want them to be an equal..on my level..to be with me..

Capable..not reliant. A person that will question and learn ...but will accept me and my knowledge..as well as teach me.. 

Its a weird situation..but what I need.

...

Where are you?

I am still looking. .. hoping you are  there..really hoping I have found you .

You have that potential..and aleady show you are that type.. I have known this..for a long time..

I just never thought I would have the opportunity to reconnect. 

But we have ..  and I wish I knew how to bring it out..

To show why I am so interested..

..but.. whatever it is that is pulling you away..you are letting it succeed...

And here we are....

Oh well ....

I do not know what I shoud be doing.

Yeah...im a level 9 . ..nice guy..

Which means I am destined to be dropped...by the hot girl...the one I want...

Yes , you..  .

Arrrghh!!

R

end of the first month

January is coming to a close..I am not enjoying my winter..

I have not planned much.  Looking ahead ..but no plans..kinda stuck..

I went for my interview..

It was as expected.  They are making an offer to Naveen.. understood not disclosed, if he turns it down, they will offer it to me . If he takes it, im sure he will, then ... I will have to wait for them to get a new opening ...or fire the tx tech that is not working out...

The Manager did mention that they. Could bring me in as a contract employee part time, and do some after hours/weekend work to get back in the system and make a few $$ ...im not looking to add to my weekly workload.. but it may be a step..

We will see.. Mike seemed to infer that the current tx tech is soon going to be out..

I did go over my numbers..and even at the old wage i woukd still be ok .

But i would ask for maybe.. 3 to 5$ more..cost of living increase.. and the possibility of no increases for a couple years...

.. 

If i do, it will keep me busy.. and occupied..it could take over my free time if i need it to..driving and OT.. projects... It would have no time to be lonely.. i would not notice i was being pushed out .or ignored..

...

I would have $$$$ and be able to ski and travel .. it needed..

..

Time will tell

R

Snowing with a clear moonlit sky

Welcome to New England winter.

It is snowing.. light flurries.. the sky is clear and the moon is out.

Reminds me a lot of thunder snow in Colorado.. just weird.

...

But it has been a weird month.

It started really well . .. and here we are.

L turned 28. We went to dinner tonight at her favorite place.. no issues . All good and happy.

.. the week was slow but busy.

Lots of work travel.. drove up to Plymouth with the boss in the big Comm truck.. left early, got back 20min after 4.. the next day.. drove a cruiser up to Pembroke with another Tech.. delivering the new 911Chief his car. Uneventful.. but time consuming..

Then spent the rest of the day on the convict transport van.. with the Supv. And also working on his cell modem in his laptop. 

..

Lets see what I am offered.. I dont expect an offer Tuesday..just a 'here is what we are planning.. what would you need/want to be apart of this'... 

I guess I should put some numbers down.. have some real answers. 

Driving 100mi a day.  With fuel and traffic..and the long days.. more than plain old 8 hrs.. add 1 hr up and 1.5 hrs back.. everyday.. worse in the summer, and anytime with bad weather .. and if I do my usual..leave early to miss traffic.. that increases the day to nearly 12 hours for 8 hours pay.... sure its at minimum $12 more than right now . .. really it is a no contest situation.. just need the right money.. 

My personal life is in a weird state .

I want to be somewhere..but find im not.  

Casper comes to mind.. 

He was a Friendly ..Ghost . ..

...

I know a bit about pre-programmed responses and actions..

We do things on automatic . 

React without thinking about it..

Just because we always have .

Sometimes without knowing we are even doing it.. then wonder why we get the response or reaction that happens... 

Sometimes confusion, or just plain anger or disgust.. what are they thinking?..why are they doing that?

Well, I am not happy about that result....

This is going on ..with both sides..

Communication breaks.. and everyone is in the dark.

The gap just gets bigger...

...

Or .. 

It is planned . The response was not expected.. the lack of response is moving things in the wrong direction.. and now its time to rethink... 

..

Here we are.. apart.. im wondering..

Im getting lots of advice.  None apeals to me.. 

I will fuck this up . 

Its what I do..

I guess I am good at that .

Not good at much else.. 

...

This week proved .. I wont get a contact unless I start it.

.. 

Everyone is busy.. 

But how much time does it take to say ' hi how are you?'

...

Doomed.. 

...

Unless she wants to turn it around..

I dont see what I can do to make it change .

..

Texting sucks . But you can send a text and it can be seen and no response is needed.. but if you respond to a text . You show interest..

At the least..you show respect .

It does not mean you want a long conversation.. a simple response.. is just that . If you want a conversation..you open one..

Common sense . 

Mutual respect..

...

Yet, here I am.. wondering.. 

As always..and typically doing the wrong thing.. 

I cant play the game.. 

Im not needy.. I am just me

Simple.. I am just looking for a person that can appreciate me..and what I can offer.. I dont think I ask a lot.. I am patient..and understanding about many things..too many..but if it allows me to find happiness..and a future.. why not? 

...

Oh well .

All I can be is me.

If that is not enough..for you or your friends..

So be it .

...

Advice aside..

I will continue.. 

R

time..

Time is a thing.. it can be a good thing..'give it time' a friend used to say...

Well, time.. has been moving on.

I was young and single and broke..time let things change... I got older and was learning and training and I did a few things, and didnt do a lot of things..

I had lots of friends.. and so-called friends..many acquaintances.. 

Some I will forget..some I will never forget. I can say there are more than a few I wish I could forget, and likewise..  a few I hope to never ever forget. 

I have been a fairly nice guy my entire life.. I feel I was raised right..

I learned many lessons to allow me to treat people right ...and have a clear conscience. 

I cannot say I have ever been deliberately mean to anyone. 

I have endured bullying..and walked away when most would do something they would regret..

I have been used, taken advantage of, mistreated, fooled... Left..and persecuted. I have been blamed, accused falsely.. and ignored .

...

All I ever wanted was to be loved by someone I cared for.

I usually give 100% and get less than that in return.. it is the way ...what I know.. usually I am ok with that . .. some is better than none .

I can get none from anyone.. 

Yeah, I have mistook kindness ..even pitty, for interest..reality hurt.. but you go on.. take what you can from whatever you get, and go on.

I am really simple ... Not too hard to decipher .  

I am a nice guy.

I do not want to change that. 

I see lots of video saying if your too nice ...it wears off..you wear out.. no one really wants a 'nice' guy.. 

They are not 'fun' not exciting....

Blah blah blah...

No..im not an asshole, stalker.. user, mooch .. indifferent..

I am a guy that just wants to be happy. .  And I want to make the one I am with happy too . .  Happy to be with me..as happy as I am being with them...

If that is not what you want...stay away from me..you will break my heart.

..

Period!

..

I am too old for games.. too old to have to figure out what you are trying to do to me .

.. 

If I am not what you want .. not worth the effort.. just tell me.

I have been thinking and agonizing about what I need to be doing..

And it is all bullshit..

If you want me to try to be in your life..you need to stop. Stop playing these games.. I never signed up for a challenge..I dont want to have to figure out if I have to not be needy.. but still be interested.. 

I have let myself be hurt..devistated! By the one I fell in love with.. 

I spent 20 years trying to figure out what I was doing wrong..only to find out it was never me..

When it was over.. I needed to learn to live over..

I suck at it but .. I am trying.

I am a nice guy. .. a geek . .. and a healthy old guy.. 

I had money..I chose easy and poor ..

Now I plan ..to change that .. if it works out. .. I wont be 'un' comfortable.. it will be one less thing I will need to worry about.  

Maybe I will be able to live with less stress..in the future..

...

I made the job change 2 years ago ..to head off the turmoil of Covid .and ransomware viruses and corporate sales..ownership changes.. those things I had done before..

Now..I see that in this stage of my work career..it is a mistake..I need BANK! I need money to fall back on..

Im not 20 or 30..or 40.......

I dont have years ...decades of employment in my future..if I work 10 yrs more..it will because I have to..not because I can..or want to...

... I have put a lot into what I do..and can do..

I am nearly done.. 

I would love to do something I like ..

For the remainder of my work career..

But...

If I have to buck up and do the impossible..I will.

..

If it is by myself..so be it..

It would be better with someone to share it with...

Someone.. that gets me..and I get..

...

Pipe dream..

..

So..

I have invested time .

Will it pay?

Or am I wasting...TIME...

My time..your time...???

Yes...being..a level 9 nice guy...I worry about you too..

Not just me..

....

I guess that is why..I feel so alone..

...

There is not a good reason why .

It is just is .

...

I apologize.. for no reason.. except.. I must..for my own conscience..

It is all on me .

..

I really wish ...we did not have to wade through these games... 

I care. .. I want to work through this.. and want to be with you. 

I want to be happy.. and want you to be happy..and with me.

..

I cannot force it..

I wont..

If you want to let it go ...again..

So be it.

I do not know how..to proceed .

If you want to play the game..

I will fail.

I dont know how ...I dont understand the rules..  never did...

It does not make sense ...not to my warped mind..

...so..if you want me..cause I want you..you need to think differently.. be real..be up front .. dont play..

Really..we are too old to play games.. either you want to be with me or not .

..

Do you?

I do!

R

cold

It is winter.. it is cold..

Everything is cold.

Not sure where the cold came from, but it is seeping into everything.

I am not feeling the warmth I was before.. I do not like where it is coming from or all the places it seems to be.

This makes me unhappy....

... 

To be clear.. I like the winter season, and snowy days and most if what winter is about.

But , being on the receiving end of cold.. is not fun.

....

I heard from the Chief Engineer tonight.. he asked me to come up for an interview with his boss.. find a day after 4pm.. and let them know.

They will be making some changes in the next few weeks.

I told him I will schedule a day next week and let him know.

I can take a half day or leave a bit early.. and change and drive up.

I need to think about a pay scale..

Is what I was making ok, or shall I account for the inflation and fuel and travel.. better than I did the last time..

Got to factor in the fact that a yearly raise is probably not gonna happen. 

I need maybe 5 years. 

I will probably need a newer vehicle.

... The current one is 226000 miles..

Hmmm

R

entries in the blog

Im hitting that wall . Not finding enough to blog. I have stuff..but not good enough to share. No mind emptying thoughts.. nothing of note to purge or no soul bearing information.

..

I have even found it hard to recap last year..nothing explainable.. I can think about it. 

...

Last year started with mostly work.

I had gone on a trip the December before.. and it ended poorly.  I realized that was at the end.. still friends but nothing discussed or established. So I went into close to home work, work.. L had an accident on black ice coming home from work, I spent time doing the repairs . Got some help from a friends dad with paint. It all went back together.  I tried to buy a used car, turned out it needed a transmission..so returned it. 

Then later found a bad control arm joint, so my friends dad let me use the lift and we replaced that. So got that all good.. 

A friend had a car that he sold me, it had an issue he could not figure out.. but had a great motor, so I figured I could maybe reprogram it.. after researching I found that it would need new, very expensive module replacement and reprogramming.. so I found a different car that needed an engine and swapped out the good one into the newer one.. then fixed all the other little issues.. its nearly 95% good.. still needs front brake pads and maybe a sensor. But it drives great and looks pretty good.

So I have a spare car.. I figure I could sell it for $5k to $7k with no trouble. If I wanted to.

It would be parts wise a profit.. not paying for my labor.. but I did learn a lot. ...

..

I had rekindled a friendship in December of 21.. and we talked about road trips and travel.  Then I had the opportunity to visit.. and did.. we clicked . I mentioned several times that I would be interested in being her boyfriend.. 

She eventually gave in.. 

I tried not to be a pest or a burden, and the beginning was good, then we both got tied up with work schedules. It started falling apart.  In The beginning of December..

She actually suggested that being  friends may be better for us..

We texted nearly every day. But I stopped asking to come up.

Then she asked if I could do her a favor.. It was a Monday of a long weekend.. she was leaving for a family visit, and was not going to be able to take her dad and asked if I could come get him and take him home. It was 4:00p on Monday.. I said give me 30 min and I will leave to come up. It was a 4 hour drive and I needed to get dinner for the house before I left. I realized she would not have asked me if there was another option. I could not say no.. I could do it, and no reason not to.

I did the trip . Up and back, her dad was cordial with me. The 4 hour ride back went well. 

Im glad I could, and glad I did.

It made her rethink us ...and me..

So we did re-connect..and actually had a great new years together. We had some good times with friends and the next day..some hay and wood stacking then some cuddle time before I had to go back home.. really nice.  

..

It has been my on-call weeks

So not going up.. and the weather has been bad . 

..

Im off Monday. No plans. So far.

..

I know not much for a end of year recap.. but all I have. 

I hope this year will be all that it can be. 

I have plans to make a few changes to make my future survivable..

Comfortable.. and happy. 

R

end of the week.

End of my on call week. Monday holiday. The storm is still forcasted but it is a day later, and looks just rain and wind for us. A couple hours of snow then rain up in Maine.. then more rain later.. mid week it should snow here and there. 

Im off Monday, and I could go up Sunday night... And help on Monday if its needed.. I probably could go up Sunday night. All Inwould need to do is tell Todd.. he would cover my call outs on Sunday night if needed.

I did not ask for Tuesday off so I would have to be back for work Tuesday morning.. 

I have not asked N . Lets see what she says tomorrow.

..

I have groceries and a radio to finish and maybe deliver. Then dinner. 

I asked L her preference for the day dinner.. this Saturday, next Thursday or next Saturday. She decided on mext Saturday. I got her 3 Beatles CDs .. I think she will like it.

Its not a remote starter, but its music that she can rip to her player and play in her car .

...

Work has been slow.. we did more busy work . Cleaned.. and took out the trash .

Owen is out next week..Todd is in NH this weekend.. 

...

I heard the tx tech was written up again (3x?) .. late and messing with his time card . .. thats bad.. real bad . .. so I may hear sooner than later...

N and I had a money/pay conversation today.. she may have realized Im not rich .. im living within my means.. creatively... As I always did.

But I think I do it well.

If i change jobs again.. and make more, I can build my nest egg..and be a bit more comfortable.. 

..

Money isnt the reason.. at least not money now.. its future money I need to be concerned about..plan for.. 

Time for a 5 year plan...

Figure it out . Living day to day, is not gonna work if I plan to retire comfortable..

My investments are small..and not gonna do it for my future.. the dream..

...

So..

The neighbor is selling his house.. put it on the market a couple days ago.. $5k less than Zillow.. he should get it. $550k.

$275k more than I bought mine for...

I may not have a perfect yard. Or recent renovations..but I have a 2car garage .. and a corner lot 1/3 bigger than his.. just saying....

..

To retire. . I would need to sell .downsize..and restructure..

Oh .. I should be seeing Cotuit money in the future too.. so that could help...

..

Ok..2024... what can I do? 

Let me know..

I have MTTS this year..

If we were to do all the way round trip..15 days.. hotels gas. Time off...

A job change may make that difficult..its minimum, 3 days drive to the start... And 4 days from the finish .plus the 5 of the rally.. if course weekends.. and stops... required visits... Gas food and lodging..and time. Credit cards will help..it can be paid over time..

..it would be fun..more fun with N.. 

..

15 days would be tough ..for all ..L too. But..I could touch the rest of the us..North Dakota.Montana, Idaho, and Washington..

All that would be left would be Oregon, Alaska and Hawaii. And we could divert to Oregon...

..

Maybe not this year....

..

Here it is January.. the rally is in July..

...

Hey! N..you know who you are..

If you are reading these....

I really want to make a life with you .

Make one with me in it. Please.

..

R

weather

Welcome to New England's winter..

Comfortable.. not too cold.. sunny.. boom! Wet, cold, snow, more cold..

Miserable.. then throw in ice and wind..  and an occasional sunny day ... And repeat...

North it is much worse.. rain, snow, cold, flooding.. wind.. 

.. 

I was hoping to see N this week..not gonna happen.. this week has been stormy up there.. where we watched the new year fireworks.. it was flooded. Power was out all over. N's yard and basement was flooded..bad.

I have Monday off.. I may ask if she wants/needs some help.. I could go up and maybe dig a ditch or help raise everything in the basement up above water level.. check the downspouts...make sure the drainage around the house is good.

.. or at the very least.. hold her when she want to be held.. and be with her.

I need that too. I hope she does.

...

Work is slow.  Lots of trying to keep busy. I have missed 2 work notifications.. one I was downstairs.. and didnt notice I missed a call..5 hrs sitting next to the phone..I checked it..and found the notification blinking.. I missed a call.. all done ok..could have made a few $$ .

Then Monday... Missed a text notification.. the phone never got the page..the supv took care of it .

Another missed $$ .. my call is over Sunday/Monday morning..the holiday .so technically still on call till I swap the phone... But.. I can defer..

.. I really 'need' to see N.  I want that.

..

Please.

R

getting things done

Got up early.. groceries early..

Went local.. not as good as last week..but found everything.. then the dollar store for soap...but..really busy.. so left and went to the other one.. then home.. unloaded the groceries and got my bottles for redemption.. and took them in. Its now machines..and they were busy.. did the plastic then cashed in the ticket..grabbed the cans..and did them.. then from there got on the hiway and drove to meet with Ruben to pick up the radio.. got home.. worked on the Seattle radio..finished it, talked to jeff on the radio.. then boxed up the radio and printed the postage. Did the dishes... Then dinner with L and J.

Then back ..started on the fall river radio .  ..I will do what I can till the parts come in. But I can do a lot. I will just use the parts to replenish.. 

I should be able to get the primary ones changed and do the tune an get it set up.

...

N was up early and liked my text from last night..so I said good morning..I hope im not being to sappy... I have many romantic feelings towards her..and I want to express it .. I hope to make her comfortable with that.  I want this to move forward towards a real relationship.. the distance is not an issue, it is just a minor obstacle..we both have busy full lives..and we need to fit them around us.. so we can be a better us... 

I hope we can figure this out.

Hopefully changes are coming.. and I hope they work with us .

...

So it is trying to snow.. should be stormy.. winds and rain and snow..

For the next few days . 

...

Not sure how the storm will fare up north.. I hope it won't be as bad as the wind/rain last month.

..

I have Martin Luther King day off.  Its the Monday.. maybe I can run up and hangout/help out for a day or two .

Maybe get some skiiing in??

At least some cuddling on the couch..

..

R

first week

The week went fast.  A short week..4days.. little sleep. But not tired today. I solved the issue I was trying to figure out.. took 3 days, but I can finish it up.. maybe get it out on Monday.. I need to do the easy stuff next and maybe dismantle the front and fix a sticky button.

..

I have groceries tomorrow need to get cat food . Then probably go to get a radio in Fall River. 

I also need to clean.. vacuum and maybe mop the kitchen ..overdue.

No car issues this weekend.. 

On call, so have to stick close to home.. and its supposed to snow.. probably 1-3".. 

They posted the rally map.. july 13.. Albuquerque to Seattle..meaning home to Albuquerque to Seattle and back home..if we do it all..

2 nights in Montana!! And we could drop into Oregon.. and head back.. meaning all I would need is North Dakota.. to finish the lower 48!

.. 

But, I will need the cash and time off.. if I change jobs.. it may be difficult..

..

We could.. I have empty cards . I wonder if N could get it off..that would be cool! Summer time in the mid west to the north west.. and back.....

It would be at least 2 weeks..

We dont have to do all of it..but even Colorado to Seattle and back.. would take time.. by myself.  I could do home to Colorado in 3 days and 3 to Seattle.. and the same back.. maybe  a couple days less.. coming back.. 

But  2 weeks, and hotels..food and gas .. 3 or 4 people . Not cheap..but it would be so much fun!!!!

..

I wonder if N can come visit ? It would be nice.. I know she just got back from vacation.. and has to work to make up for the coverage..and time and expense..I totally understand single income and bills.

..but it would be nice to show her some hospitality..and let her relax with me .

..

Im glad she is letting me in. I really care and want to see if we will work together.. I feel so comfortable with her. I know I want it..and I hope she does too . 

...

I cannot fix the other issues in her life..but I hope I can support her and show her I care and help her through the rest.  

Time will fix or break what it can..we all need someone to be there with us ..to help us through..

Find that person or animal...

And survive!

...

I can help if I am allowed.. 

I want to be the one that you turn to..

The one you can rely on..

.. you have no idea how much you mean to me.. you can help me ..feel needed and loved.. and whole.

..

Yeah, I know .. deep and somewhat scary..but the human condition is just that.. and we need others to help us  get to the next day.. even if it is just our perception.. it helps..

One cannot be alone ..by their self all the time.  I need others.. not general..but specific..others in my life.. ones I can rely on.. ones that make me feel... 

You can only fight it off for so long..

Then..you feel lonely..or alone..

Yeah ...its different...

But..no one wants either.

...

So. 2024? What do you have in store for me?

...

My money sucks.  But, I hope to fix that..and if I do, great! If not..I will survive..and make the best of what I have. That is what I do..

..

Maybe..I can figure out a recap ..and find a way to put it in ..

..

R

New Year..2024

I am here in 2024.. 

No special significance, except, starting the next..

My carparts got returned, refund pending. 

My trip to Maine was great. 

It was a perfect start for the new year. Good food, great fireworks, good people and a good time with N.

We worked together and celebrated together and had fun.  

We got to talk a little and im happy. 

It was Sunday and Monday.. but it was two full days. 

...

I got a text from the night tech, asking if I was considering coming back, he called me and we talked for about 2 hours. He said he will inqure with the bosses and see where they are going.. and let me know.

He said he would like to see both Naveen and I come back.

They need an experienced transmitter tech.. and he knows I can do the rest.. 

The main question is what will be the salary, and the shift.

R