car parts woes

Ok..could be my fault..but the rest of the parts arrived .. so after work I put the car in the garage, jacked it up.. all 4 tires off the ground. Took the wheels off.. started taking the front brakes apart.. found the brackets rusty, so wire wheeled and painted them.. pulled the calipers and rotors off . Installed the new rotors.. grabed the freshly painted brackets..and tried to install the brake pads... Hmm they dont fit right.. they are a bit bigger than the old ones.. i thought i figured it out and tried to mount it ..the rotors are too big for the calipers . .. wrong parts! Pads and rotors. .. wrong! ..

So i had a better used set of pads from Pearl.. so i put the old rotors back on and replaced the pads.. i was gonna put all the new parts back in the boxes..but checked the rears.. which were the ones that needed replacing.. they were correct.. so i did the rears.. it was too late to go get new pad for the front..so I dod the rears.. got them all in.. pumped the fluid and called it done.

Now ...do I file a return and see if can get the right set for the front..ot just buy the right set and see if they will refund the wrong ones.. it would be costly to return them...they are heavy.

For now.. it is good.. could use a new set of pads for the front.. the rotors were not that bad ..

...

So.. off till Tuesday.. I start my on call on Monday..but dont have the duty tech phone till Tuesday when i can get it from Jason...

I am going to visit N for New Years.. she moved it to Sunday.. I suggested coming up late Saturday..get there after she gets home from work..and have all day Sunday and leave Monday afternoon.. but, she suggested I come up Sunday.. I agreed.. we will have New Years with her friends.. and we will see how it goes.

I hope I can find how to start the new year ..in a good place in her heart.. 

She did say she wanted to see me as soon as possible!

Yeah ...I have my on-call weeks.. after the 1st.. 

But, if im needed, I will ask Todd to handle it till I get the phone on Tuesday .. 

..

On another note.. I have not heard anything about the job apps.. I seen another posting for a similar job yesterday..it has a different req number..so I applied to it as well.

I am expecting a call ..asking me to come in for an interview..with the new manager.. 

.. as far as future retirement and money goes. I should go back.. fight the traffic and bank the cash..build the 401k.. and plan for the next 5 years.. County is not going to help with retirement.. if I can go back..I can fix that..and level out my income..and hopefully revisit my time and time off..

And my schedule will be more in line with N's.. if they give me my old shift..

Wednesday through Sunday..

Monday Tuesday weekends...

... Maybe I can ski again..

....

So.. I have to ask myself..

Is this renewed interest..

Did someone come to my side..or did my round trip make a difference?

I did it because I was asked..relied upon.. and I could.

Im glad that I could!

..

I hope it is all good.

..I still worry ...she may ask me to appear ..so she can tell me to go away..and not bother her anymore...

I hope.. not 

I really want this to get better..and More.

It is what I want. To find that person..the one that I can make happier.  The one that makes me happy..the one that can be happy with me..in their life..

That would make me happy..

.. I am too old for games..and plots..

Come clean..I want to make you happy..with me.. in your life...

...

I know ..a tall order..a major request..but really..do we need any drama?. I dont..

Hug me..kiss me...

Make me feel needed..

Ask me to do something..

That is what I need

..

To be needed.. to be useful...

That can encompass many things..

Ask.. you will be pleasantly surprised.. or more....,..

All I can say..is ..trust me...

R

not yet

No recap yet..

Been busy, work has been good. 

I ended up hurting my self breaking up the concrete. The next day, I had a severe migraine.. I felt it coming on.. so I took some Advil, got the hot pak and got into bed and watched some video.. and as the tunnel vision kicked in and the sharp pain behind my right eye ..I went to sleep..

I woke and still had the head/eye ache.. my shoulders hurt. I slept on the couch for a while, then made dinner.. venison chili! I made a huge pot..it cane out very good.. 1lb Venison, 1lb beef. 

Then after dinner, I took a shower and took a walk.. I walked till my hips hurt. Then back to bed.

..Tuesday.  back to work.. Todd had Covid the week before.. and was back...masked ..but back. We worked on issues..and got some stuff accomplished.. 

The brake parts arrived...half of them.. I had to put in a claim and reordered the missing parts..on their way..

.. 

N went south.. her travel was high stress... But made it safely..

We texted through most of the stops in the air travel.it was nice.

She sent me a couple pics of the Florida event. 

She looks so good.

..

She left for home yesterday at 4. I texted her at 12 to see if she made it home, was still driving..she texted me after 1 to say she made it home.

I did not text her today..i hope she was catching up on sleep..but probably working..so i didnt want to be a pest.

R

holiday weekend

Ok . Made it to Saturday.

Slow start .. kinda deliberate.. but got my laundry done and groceries. Made it to Home depot.. got a big hammer and a chisel.. and gas for the 3rd car.. chipped away at the concrete.. got more to do, but it got cold and dark.. more tomorrow..

I can get the pipe in.. but need it to be deeper to keep from breaking loose again. The original pipe was rusted.. I should be able to reassemble it..and maybe add some concrete to sure it up.

. 

The new brakes will be here next week, I will have to get them installed.. then.. the new car should be good for a few months.. I can drive it more.. 

Been planning upgrades ... Not necessary, but could be fun and interesting. Of course as money and time permits.

...

If the new job presents itself....I could do more.. and use it for travel.

..

2024 is a Mini Takes the States year..

Maybe we could do it ...some or all..

That would be fun!

Just a guess..the route may be seattle to San Diego...or north Dakota to texas...

Got to wait to hear the route ...

...

So, I start my on-call January 1 for two weeks.. fun...

A way to start the new year.

..

I need to find a gift for L.. turning 28..

I have an idea . Just have to look for it.

..

I have no idea for J..on the 31.. none

.

I think my next post will be my usual yearly recap...

R

Day off..2

So, I was up a bit early. Answerd a text.. made coffee.. took a long shower. 

I was able to get my hair cut!  Finally.

And I had a coupon for a free carwash...so got all the road grime off. I was able to stop and get creamer and coconut milk. Went back home. Forgot to go to home depot, was gonna get a concrete drill bit.. and a pipe.. for the gate..

And I needed to get gas..

So, made lunch, paid bills and went out for gas and pizza for dinner.

When I got home I realized I was really tired. So I ate and took a nap. 

I guess it caught up with me.. I slept 4 hours! 

I have a shopping list for tomorrow.. I will get the rest to make Venison Chilli.. maybe a big batch?

Gonna do 1lb of Venison and 1lb of beef. Kidney and navy beans stewed tomatoes, peppers and onions, one or 2 cans of italian tomato sauce.. and a can of paste.. seasoning..  and simmer in a big pot.. maybe make some vegie fries ..maybe..

....  

So . .. N seems to be having a good time at her daughter's.. and I hope she is relaxing. 

It was so good to see her . Even though it was less than a hour.. she looked good, even as stressed as she was.. weather and guest and no power... She looks good.. but really good in lantern light.. I was happy to see the earrings.. and they really sparkled in the light.  She said her daughter liked them too. 

I am so glad I found them.

More glad she likes them.

.. 

I am happy that she asked me to help her. Also happy that I could and did. 

..

I must say . .. I still want more.. I am hooked . .. can I keep on? Can I find a way into her heart? I am looking.. 

She is a strong woman.. I like strong women.. I am strong too.. but Im not obstinate, not demanding.. I want to share.. be a part.. help with my strengths.. and not be a burden.

Im not rich or gorgeous.. but Im not poor or ugly.. I think I have a good heart and a good head on my shoulders.. I could be a help and an asset . Im not Superman, but I can do a lot and not afraid of some hard work .

...

Yes, I have obligations..but ...I allow most of them . ... L is a grown adult..and can fend for herself if I let her.. she is comfortable letting me do most of everything.. but will rise to the need, if I cant. J is really not my responsibility.. and L has chosen to help her friend . They can deal with it if I dont. 

Time for changes.. new year and all .

Lets see if I can make a few positive steps and ease into the next few. 

...

I really want to let myself ...

Its there.. I just want to see if its reciprocal.. 

Stop hinting.. give me something positive.. 

If you do... Tell me..show me..more..

It is there.. I feel it.. 

You can.  I will. 

Will you? 

I dont think I have to beg.

...

Next time ... Hold me ..longer.. let me kiss you.. look me in the eyes.. show me.. 

I can do all that ...and much more.

Can you let me in to your world?

Do you have room?

Distance and time are all relative..

It can be overcome.. 

If you want it ... I do.

Really..you have not scared me off yet ...I dont think its possible.. I dont want to give up.. does that help? Does it mean anything??

.. 

Of course..I wont stalk you. But I also wont go away unless you truthfully tell me to.. if you mean it.. I will .

I will be sad.. but .. wont be a pest.

..

My broken heart will heal ... eventually.......

Lets not go there yet .

....

Miss you.

Really.

...

R

change in weather.

Today is the first day of winter..

Last weekend was warm, nearly 60 degrees..then we had a rain/wind Storm..all up the coast . Hurricane force, but warm..ish..

Now, its cold.. and the holiday is next.. I took Monday off.. and tomorrow, Friday, off. I have Monday off for this holiday.  

..

I did make a instant trip up and back, by special request. I did it without question.. why not? It was so good to see N and be able to help.. I think I was the only option.. she knows I care.. I hope she knows I would do almost anything for her.. 

...

She seems happy to have her time away. .. to be able to spend time with her daughter and family. 

..

She joked(?) That I could come with if I didnt have to go back to work..

And deliver the reason for going.

..

That would have been interesting..

..

I hope we can spend some time together next year.. maybe rebuild this or start fresh . .. 

I do have call from new years into the first week.. but have new time after that.. unless I get my old job back.. then its all new-ish.. but I would make time.. I can hope...

..

So, tomorrow... finally I plan on a haircut.. and maybe fix the broken gate.

R

time..

As you get older, time is not really your enemy, it just is no longer your friend.

We used to wait..for time to give us what we wanted.. now we hurry to try to get what we want before its gone  or no longer available to us. 

I can remember waiting till I was old enough to drive..some things time had to catch up with me.. I was smart and talented. I had to wait till I earned respect to be able to truly be appreciated.. I never made the grade as far as relationships went. I realized early on, if I could not spend time with my desire ...they would never understand me.. it would never be instant..I had to invest time.. and hope they let me take the time for them to know me.. which usually was not the case. I was never handsome enough and not smooth enough to bluff my way into their heart or head. 

If they were not interested enough. ..I never stood a chance. 

Of course, times change and what is desirable changes.. I remember a brief moment.. where everyone was looking for the geeky tech type.. it was really short lived.. times change..

I have had other challenges though my time, usually distance was a factor.. mostly availablity.. but I think time...in its many flavours.. is my worst. If I cant get enough time.. I will fail. I have before and even now.

...

One issue.. I wont be able to log enough time at my present job, to survive comfortably.. in my future.. so.. what can I do? I cannot expect to rely on my youngin to support me.. i think that would be unfair.. 

I expect in time..she will leave.. go on her own and not expect me to worry about it.. even if she dont..she hardly makes enough to support herself..let alone me and my expenses..

... Time won't fix that..

I have worked all this time to get here..and to not have to work..in the future..does not seem possible.. not living how I am.. there will be changes.. I worry about being able to be comfortable ... Yes, I understand that there will be changes . Budget adjustments.. spending changes..

But.. without a pension or retirement account..Social security dont seem too secure .. I have a few of those things.. but no fat account to live off.. I expect to work after retirement..if time allows.

Time.

I expected this half of my life to be different.. I really didnt plan for it..I just made my daily decisions and provided for my own . I made life changes for the good of all..but with limited future planning . I did..plan..but only the minimum requirements.. this last change.. the timing was right..but the decision..for the future..was poor.. we survived the pandemic..and stayed healthy.. but the political environment changed, inflation looms..and taking a major cut in pay..now hurts..

We are safer..time has passed ... And I think it is time..to change again. Back to a monetary plus..since I have no real personal life to worry about.. maybe time will allow me to fund my retirement accounts and bail in 5 years.. go back to work, drive, eat sleep,work...repeat.. my bills are limited to spending.. groceries, fuel, utilities, mortgage, and cars.

My toys and radios are somewhat self supporting.. for the time being.. 

..

It took 2 years time to deplete my cushion.. I think if I get called back, and take the old job.. in 5 years time i will be ready.. 

... Scale down.. and enjoy my remaining time..

...

Too old to do much of anything else...

.. probably still alone...

But , been here for a long time.. 

...

Well, thats all the time I have for now..

Not really, but seemed a good way to end this.. 

..

Maybe I can pull myself out of this funk.. and kick times ass and keep on....

..

R

half way

Middle of the last month of the year.

I took a couple more days off.

So i have a long weekend this weekend, and a longer weekend next..

Then im on-Call through new years.

We are supposed to get our last July raise next week..with retroactive pay back to July1 and maybe the $500 bonus. We got our clothing allowance last pay period $750..

Taxes took most of it..but it should help with my tax return this year..

I havent calculated what the gross raise and retro will equal..but the raise is just over $1 an hour.

Then a couple weeks into next year we should get another $1 an hour..going forward.. then maybe a yearly raise mid month.. maybe...maybe not.. could be another $1... 

Even with that.. about $9 per hour less than I was making 3 years ago...

So, all that in consideration...

I did apply for my old job.. I got a call from the Chief.. and he asked how serious I was.. I said 8 or 9 out of 10.

He said Naveen also applied.. and suggested when I get an interview..to go..meet the new boss.. and he inferred..they would probably hire Naveen for his old job.. and maybe there would be an opening for my old job, cause the current guy isnt working out. 

.. so maybe not this month.. maybe January.. February..

I am leaning towards it.. 

Even at the old rate.. I could make it work. Hoping for an inflation increase.. gas and all.. 

My car is nearly paid for . .. I could buy a newer one.. with better income...

..

If I got back my same shift.. id be working 7:30a to 3:30p Wednesday to Sunday.. with OT as needed..

I could do that for another couple, to 5 years.. and retire with cash and a bigger 401k and SSI..  

The travel and hours wont matter.. I have done it and if the car survives, and if I can pickup with the same vacation time.. I could afford to take road trip vacations and figure out how to not let work dominate my life.

Maybe even get to Ski now and then.

L will have to adjust , J will be on their own to get their stuff in order.. 

Not mine, not my responsibility.

If L wants to help..good for L.

..

If it all falls down.. I will figure it out..and survive.. 

I could get a second job till I dont need it.

..

Really not wanting to do that ...

Too old.. 

..

Radios are still good..but lately been slow..few and far between..

..

Shifting topics..

I dont know where I am with N.

We still text.. I have not tried to call again.. Im not that important to keep the phone on so we can talk when we set up a time to do that ... 

Yeah.. Im down here and she is up there.. 

I would go if I was invited..in an instant.. I have given up asking if I can ..  I never could handle rejection..

I tried..but.. I am glad she still responds to my texts.... eventually..even if it is only for a few replies.. I still want to try... 

Unless im told to stop ..

..

I dont think she will tell me to go away and leave her alone..but ..

For some reason we cant make it work.. I wish we could..

I tried a little many years ago..and didnt feel there was interest..and this time..I think I was persistent..and convinced her.. reluctantly.. and I failed the tests.. missed the signs.. didnt take the hints.. 

All those things I am so bad at...

She was so forward..in the beginning..then..not.

I had to pry my way in..and being me

, felt..I wasnt doing enough.

And probably was not.

...

I dont usually open myself up..I dont allow me to decide to attach .

When I do.. im in..and devasted when I am wrong..which past history is.. I am wrong ... Always...

More wrong than right .

History repeats and I end up sad and alone.

Well... Welcome to December 2023

...

I wish I could get a break..

Im not a bad guy.. just burned too many times..

R

memorial

Good by to those who have gone.

We were all around the same age..

Distance seperated us and one by one , they left.

Its sad. Some I new only in class.

All those years ago.. some were my friends.. some I never knew..I knew of them. 

I will never forget the tee shirt with the big screw in a big U.. and the teacher asking if you had a doctor in your family .. (it looked almost like a surgeons icon.. I think snakes around a sword) ..Derek! 

Mortality.. a scary thought.

Im not 20 anymore.. I have so little to show for my life. 

And im still alone.. I think actually I have been alone since before I graduated high school.. lots of near misses..too many..you thought you were happy.. surprise!!! 

I have L.. disfunctional as we are..

Yet, we are better than any other relationship I have ever had with anyone else.. friends and family included... But, we are not the same..as we were 10 yrs ago..

... Its a matter of time... 

Here I am..trying to work through the details..with no plan.. not like me ..

But ..almost all my careful planning fails.. and I end up having nothing.

.

Honestly.. if I can stay in a relationship with someone who hates the idea of being with any man.. for 20 years..and be blissfully happy for at least half of that.. and cordial at the remainder.. 

Why cant I find a person who can let me be happy . 

Im not looking for bliss..just a place to be happy. 

No adversity..working together for mutual happiness.

...

I guess, im not allowed that .I never have found that.

..

Tonight.. I saw an old friend and his wife..they have been married for 40+ years.. high school sweethearts.. still together.. Wonderful and amazing...

I am very jealous.

No, she isnt skinny and young-pretty anymore..but everytime I see them..she is happy and he is glad they are one.

It is a special thing.. I am happy for them.

..

The two marriages Ive had, I was duped..one was using me..and the other was fooling me and herself and everyone else..

I survived..but..lost all that time to learn what to do...and how to do it.

So now I am doomed to not ..

I do not know..what to do, when to do it. I am lost..and do not expect to learn how to fix it.

..

Im just ... Me

I guess..it isnt enough.

For anyone..for me.

Welcome to the end of 2023.

...

Sixty years of this ...

...

Thanks for allowing me some consideration..

Its more than most have ever given.

....

R

here i am

Ok.. just me .

I have too few friends.

I know a lot of people..and alot of people know me..

Partially...

I guess..  i have one more friend.

...

Yes ..  i fu(kd this up.

As i always do with something good..

.. yes, i overthink everything..

Plus, I have been beaten down so much ...its only apparent when I look back and see what I did..or didn't do..

I used to be pro-active.. always doing stuff to its full.. always the gentleman..open a door .. walk on the street side of the sidewalk.. defer to the woman. Always ask her opinion.. let her decide..but make a decision if i needed to.

Offer my help.. my talents.. go over and beyond without being asked.. 

Offer my advice and knowledge, to help..

But..the last 20 or so years..I have been told it isnt proper anymore.. strong women dont want to be catered to.. dont want my advice unless they ask for it. They can do it without a man..

Of course, being married to a lesbian for 17 years didnt help me with that at all.. 

So, slowly.. I stopped being that guy, the man I was.. the one I was comfortable being, how I was raised..

It was fine, because a few people would allow it or ignore it.. out dated as it was.. but a few that I was really close to, outright told me to stop..

Break all I know.. let them be..they dont need me... 

Now..all these years later..Im not allowed to be who I really am..

..

Yeah, corporate jobs also had a lot to do with it as well.. 

No, you cant tell a co-worker that her dress is pretty, or her shoes look good.. your new hairdo suits you or I really like those boots...

Sexual harrassment...

..

I put that in the same category as..you don't have to walk on the street side..you don't have to protect me....

..

In a new relationship I am over cautious..and end up not appearing interested enough..and it is my demise.

I like strong women ...I am not attracted to the helpless ones..

But, that comes with problems.. 

They usually dont want my 'help'..

That is what I do..I help..

So, where do I fit?? 

Finding my place is always a challenge..

Also with a strong woman, you dont want to take over when they ask for help . You dont want to offend.. 

You like them because they are independent...but want to help them be independent.. support..but never demean.. 

Appreciate what they know and suggest solutions when they need it.

Never take over unless they ask..

But ...they won't ask.. 

Its a fine line..

I always mess that up.. i dont know if they want me to take ownership of the issue or just suggest..

I have knowledge..and skills.. but..

Now im afraid to make the suggestion or recommendation, because if im wrong.. its gonna be my fault.

....

I guess that is the problem with being attracted to that kind..

..

Which is why..here I am.. in the place I am.. 

Just me . 

No future . No loves..

Wants, desires, wishes.. but nothing for me.

,.........

Hey, welcome the the end f

Of the year 2023

.....

So to mess things up to the next level..

I have applied to my old company for a job...

They are still looking for techs..

I hope the money is still good .

Since I have no reason to not work myself to death.. before retiring..

Lets build some cash cushion..put some money in the SSI.. and refund the 401k.

If i can raise my income by 20k..a year. I can work for another 5 to 8 years.. and get out .

Maybe..

The shift may suck..but who cares if i have no life, no free time..

I have no one who wants me in their life.. L is dependant..but is working..J isnt doing anything..really not my problem.. except im enabling them, and paying for them to live in my house.. L is paying a lot too.. supporting J.. 

But, mortgage, food,and utilities is on me..

....

Im not a happy guy..

I was...

...

So ...what to do now..?

Persue..or let it be ..

I tried to call..

Established a time..

And ...

No

..

Did she just not want to let me persuade her.. 

..so turn off the phone...

Make me worry...did she not make it home..

How will I know??

Should i call for a wellness check....??

No..if the phone rings 6 times, then disconnects.. its because the phone is off..

I still called from 8:40 to 10:30 

Every 5 minutes...

..

So..as always..I don't know what i did wrong.. did or didnt do..

And without a confirmation.. 

Not sure where I stand..

..

Do you hate me??

...

Is there hope for something later?

..or do i need to leave you alone?

Like i did so long ago..

..

No answers . And no chance of ever asking the questions..

...

"Lets be friends" 

The killer response..

End of it .

..

I suck!

...

Know this.. no difference to the status quo..

...

R

first day..

30 to go.

December is never a good month for me. Its the end of the year.. and assessment is pending.

I need to look back..and see what I need to learn from all that was this year..

Will the mistakes.. the things I did.. and the things I didnt .. teach me anything? Can I do better next year? 

I know I have made many mistakes.. some I am sure I have still not realized.. some I have chosen to ignore..many I wonder why the choices I made ...did not seem to matter.. those things I tried to do that didnt help... I am still where I was in January..with some exceptions..

The exceptions that I think matter to me, dont seem to help me feel any different.. and the other exceptions.. I wish made me feel better.. but lately the doubt..has pushed its way in.. and I feel lost. Truly alone.. 

Personally.. im ok.. not sure what I should be doing.. Ive been waiting to be asked.. or even to have a suggestion..but I feel im in limbo..

I have committed..and want that commitment..but.. im not sure where i stand.. I have conflicted signals..

My terrible mind is raking me over the coals over and over.. I don't know where i stand..i know its not where i thought i was.. i feel its much lower.. 

I have no proof ... Just how i am interpreting.. that will always send me down the wrong road.. 

I know I cannot assume I know where I am..I always choose the worst or the impossible.. never what it really is..

Even though I try for daily contact.. I am only getting part of the story.. leaving me to have to interpret what I see.. and alway..I am wrong...

I try to be optimistic..and succeed for a bit.. then if I think about it more and more, which I do.. I go down the other road.. and there the doubt, kicks me.. 

I suck.. I dont deserve to be happy, I will be alone, and no one cares...

Seriously.. I have been hurt , really hurt so may times.. and no one really cares.  Yeah, I invited some of that into my life.. hoping and looking for something I would not find.. and didnt... 

I spent 20 years.. trying to make sense of a relationship that should have ended before it got started.. and yet I kept trying.. even after I knew ...

So.. here I am.. older no where near wiser.. and feeling alone as always...

Now.. ive made job changes, and feel im on the road .. to disaster.. I have 5 maybe 8 years left of work.. and need to figure out how im gonna survive.. I know I will need to downsize.. and try to find side work..

And maybe see if L will be able to keep a roof over us.. but .it wont be this one.. I can barely afford it..she wont.. 

If the market holds..I can sell ..move and downsize..

I don't think she cares where she lives..her skills are unappreciated..and not realized..

Maybe, I can sell for $400k to$600k and pay off the existing and have enough to buy small and have only the utilities and expenses, taxes and insurance..and food and fuel.. 

But..

I am here ...now.. and not happy.

That is not where I want to be.

I have been here for so long..

It can be hard to go to anything new.

I do try..

But i know ...im not the perfect guy and I dig the holes I can get out of..and wonder why.. 

I have not given up..

But I would like a sign ...to tell me if it is worth it..if im not a fool..if I can find a place where i can be accepted. . Allowed .. 

Honestly..if its over.. tell me..

I will go away...lick my wounds..and hope you will still be my friend... 

..

Thats it...

I need to know..

Do I wait.. should I wait..

I will.....

But .it does hurt..not knowing..

I do more damage second guessing and trying to interpret..

..,

I guess...I suck.

R