Money..

Yeah, I need to bitch about money.
It was great for a while, but i am back to, paycheck to paycheck. I was doing good when I had OT.. And extra cash in the bank, I was paying down my bills, i was.over paying where I could.. I paid cash to buy the parts to fix L's car..
I paid cash to convert the utilities. But, now the cushion is gone.. And as always..end of the year..

I have not cared about the extras, but now that I want to spend some money, I have to budget for it.. Do a little creative juggling.. So I dont fall behind.

It is time to cut useless expenditures.. Maybe slow down some of the overpayments.. Do the refi consolidation thing.. Cut back on the going out to eat. Drop the cable TV..
There is things i can do.

I have future plans..
2020 is another road rally in July.. I also may want to visit again, if it goes well this time..
I will use my paid time off in 2020..

Ok.. I have been wondering if I should explain my mermaid obsession..
It is real, I am the one that was caught by the mermaid.
They were legends about the "sirens" that lured the sailors...
The word Siren translates to mermaid..
This beauty's heart sang to me, her soul reached out and touched mine.
I resisted..I thought that it was just a passing through.. I tried to not get attached.. But it was unavoidable.. The universe, the great spirit and our past lives ..
All conspired to make this something we cant ignore..
Wisely.. We are not fighting it..we are embracing it..

Too many things have happened to make this a thing.
It was what i needed.. What I figured was gone..not Going to be for me.. And when I resolved my situation to what it was going to be.. Something smiled on me.. And allowed me to be happy again..

Thank you.

Now, lets move forward..
Lets be happy..

We can..

R

Last week of November.

November, is flying by.. Good..
I have decided and began planning my time off.
Still things to get done, need to figure out more minor expenses.. I will need to prepay a few things, so they wont be missed. I just paid bills, and have limited funds for extras.. I am finishing radio work. I have some spending cash. I need to get a few things..

It is coming up fast.. This is Thanksgiving week, i will cook for l and I.. We both work, she has Friday off..
I think I have to cover an early morning shift.. The weekend after.
I have a few new bills ..car maintenance.. But stuff i needed to do. I need to rotate my tires..

I am being tasked with more stuff at work lately..not sure if its a test or the beginning of a new norm. I have been asked to do a few things, stay later..stuff.. I ve done it..but i dont want it to be all the time.. I worked 11 hours today.. Plus getting up and driving to and from.. Made it a 14 hour day..

I guess it could be worse..i could be unemployed..homeless and broke.

I need to take a look at all my finances..and figure out ways to lessen the debt.. I do good, I can do better.. Juggle a bit, swap, consolidate.. Maybe refinance, a couple things..
I am doing good, i always have worked it out..
It has never been that bad..
I just stress about it..

This year..everything seem to cost more..
I seem to pay more for the things i do..
It is more than the change in location, and seasonal prices.. It inflation apparent..

I track what i spend.. It has been more..
I will adjust.

There are things i can cut back on, things i dont need to spend my money on.. I will adjust.

I am looking forward to actually doing nothing..
Listening to the ocean, feeling the sun and watching a few sunsets.
It will be what i need.
I can get there.. I will get there. I need.. Deserve to destress.. I will.

It will be very hard to come back...i wont even say come home..

If it were not for the debt.. House, car and stuff..i would not come home.

Vacation is close...
Seeing my mermaid is close.

I cant wait.
Sit on a beach..
Hear the waves..
Feel the sun..
Watch it set..

Soon.

R

This is the month

November..
This is the month ...
I usually fall behind in my monetary obligations..
I usually cannot work enough..
I usually work too much..
I get another year older..
I plan to use what ever time off i have left...
I miss family and close friends..

But.. This year is a little different..
A lot about my life has changed, some good some not so..nothing bad.. Just not as good as it was or should be.

I am happy for how this part of my life has changed..
Not in every aspect..but for the most part.. I have learned to be happy.. I am employed, i have a place to live, i have a functional vehicle, my kid still respects me. I know i am loved.
I am not rich..i have debt. I pay my bills.
I go to work every day.
I dont know what or where i will be in 10 years.. I may have an idea for the next 5 years.. Maybe seriously reduce that debt thing.. If at all possible.. Maybe sell everything i have and start over somewhere new.
Maybe not..maybe settle in and just enjoy.

Unfortunately, I never expect to retire, I do not have a pension, and my retirement funds are sparse..

I will work..as long as I am able.

This month.. I have not cut my hair.. Odd, but I am letting it grow out.. It is past that long enough to be curly phase..
It is difficult to manage after keeping it short for many many years.. I am still looking in the mirror every morning..and asking..should I cut it...can I go another day.

This is usually no shave November.. I am just not cutting my hair.

Ok..

My love..
Once apon a time..you meet someone.
You are both young..
You both have family's that frown on dating.. So you dont, you never get past the infatuation stage..
I looked for any reason to be around you.
I would lose track of you..a couple years in..
Never really having spent any time alone with you.

I saw you a couple times in my 20s..we briefly reminisced about our childhood crush.. Yet never reconnected.
My life changed, your life changed..
Then social media became the thing.. I searched..and found.. But no response for a few years.. Miles apart..
Then our lived changed again.. I was now even further away..and no real chance for us to meet again. My situation
Life changed again..and i knew i just missed you..

But, i didnt.. There you were..there i was..
We talked..explained our lives..
I was happy to be able to spend the time.. But figured it was probably the last time i would ever see you..
Then.. You came back.. Agan I thought it was going to be temporary..and was happy to be able to spend time..
Yet, somewhere someone wanted us to spend enough time with each other to see it was meant to be.. We were meant to reconnect..
I am very glad we did.

We will see what else will change my 5 year plan..

We will see..

R

Plans..

Ok..
I am slightly concerned..
I have made many changes to my life in the past 2 years.
Not everyone is happy about those Changes.
I care about peoples feelings..even those that have asked me not to be their friend anymore.
It does happen...people have asked.. In the past.. People just dropped out of my circle.. Done.
So..I miss people I have connected with..on any level..
I miss the connection.
In the past.. I would linger....and hope for a reprise..
It almost never happened..
I always looked like some kind of stalking ex..
And never amounted to anything..

But, if you kicked me to the curb.. And now.wonder why I am distant.. It is not me. I have lived this before.. It has been done to me..
Someone was my everything.. And then..i didnt make.the cut.. And was dropped me wondering why..became a Nuisance..
Some desperate loser that had been.dropped..
But you made me love..and then told me..no no.. You cant anymore..
As a young man.. This was.. Devastating.. Heart breaking..
But I learned and survived..
Sometimes history repeats..and I am the fool..if I expect anything different.
So... No wonder i am jaded about it all.

Oh, I.still love you..still miss the daily contact..
The last year has been hard.. Painful..
But..really.. You told me..
You didnt trust me..
You didnt want to be my friend anymore..
You have no idea how much that hurts..
History repeats.. It hurt then it hurts now..

Yes..yes..I know..it was never supposed to be..
It happened..and we moved past it.. Bury any feelings..because you are no longer allowed..
If you do..you will be pushed away..and tested the test you will fail..because you care.. Cared....

Unfortunately, I lost a friend.. I have so few..it hurts..
I dont know if I can or should.try to fix this..
After a year..
Probably a lost cause..

I still care.. But..
I feel a bit wounded.. Really
I did nothing wrong..
But feel like i did..


Ok.. Next chapter..

I just worked..paid my bills..spent time driving around and just working..

I had decided...i was..going to to be alone.. And was..

Then.. Someone I never expected to see again..was here.
Sometimes,.things happen, and sometimes.. You have to see where it will go.

I am not some kid ..
I get..why..and how..
So..

Here I am.

I can still be a friend..
I would prefer to be a friend..at least a friend........

I will continue to live the rest of my life..

Hopefully not alone.
It is for me to decide..

R

Plans.. timing... schedules

Ok.. I jumped the gun..bought my plane tickets.. Without knowing if i have a place to sleep. But, I got the emails today, and plans are forming, it will work out. Heck..I will sleep in a hammock.. Or a tent.. If I have to.
This is a big step, a never been tried.. A first for my travel experiences. I will have to plan my finances..prepay the bills due that week.. Make sure I pack properly.. Plan all the internal transport. Return lodging..long term parking..

I am concerned that L will have a good time.. Enough to do..
She needs to learn how to accept things wont always be perfect.. I hope if she doesnt have a perfect time she can enjoy what it is.
I will worry about that.

This time last year..
I was here..
I was with L
We were alone.
I was working, L was home. We had one car.
We had just moved into our new place.
We started placing our stuff.
We emptied the POD.. And filled the garage, house and basement.
We found our routines.
Yet, we were alone.

We survived, changes happened, and here we are, moving forward.

2 cars, 2 jobs, a good summer, and a planning a vacation.

Scheduling and plans are coming together..

Lets see what 4 more weeks will bring...

:)

R

Day 10.

No significance, just 10 days into the month. Friday"s primary special event, was a long distance phone call and the first time someone sang to me.
A voice I miss, that was wonderful to hear.
Of course Saturday, I sent a reservation request, and Sunday I booked my tickets. Tomorrow I will start looking for travel necessities. I am serious about this. It is time , and it will be done.

The interesting thing is .. I am seeing lots of activity.. Old friends surfacing, people posting who have been quiet.. Contact that has not been a peep from in almost 2 years..
Yet.. There are those that have always been there, and look for any reason to comment. They are welcome, and I am always amazed at the response I get from simple posts, especially when I forget people are watching.
It is comforting, and.scary at the same time.

So..here I am, moving forward, and not afraid to show what Im doing. I am my own person, those that watch me..family..have little to say, and I.dont answer to them, I used to fear their opinion of me and how I am living my life..but.. In reality they have let me be..and stayed where they are.. Little or no opinion voiced. No questions.. Really not much contact at all.

So, I guess..little brother, is finally allowed to feel like an adult. Mostly by me.. I feel I have been living in a shadow, trying not to taint, or cause disappointment. Or added grief to them. Me, Putting restrictions on me. .. Yet, I have had a family of my own, raised a child to an adult, kept out of major trouble, most of my life. No reason for them to be ashamed of me, except for me walking away from their structure. But, I have done nothing else.
I miss family . I miss having help.
But other than that, I have found what I need, when I need it.
Over all I am happy, I have a job, a home, a love, my daughter that loves me.
I have bills, cards, car, house, utilities and all that..
I am not a kid anymore, I havent been for a long time.
I know responsibility, I know commitment, and loyalty.

I have done little over my past ..just for me, it has always been for everyone else.
Not that I could not get something from doing it that way,.. But not usually just for me..to make me happy.
Well, it has got me here.. And it is time.
Time to find my smile, and give it to me.
Wear it for me..for all to see and question.

I usually step softly..and carefully into a relationship.
Always trying to guess what I should do..how to do it.
Wait to see how involved to get. Try not to get burned.
Once or twice I fell ..or stepped in it.. And usually it ended with me wondering what happened.
I have let it happen, and was suprized when it was more than I realized, for me.. But always happy to be there for as long as they wanted me around. .. Yes, once or twice, I realized if was not for me, or really poor timing, and I ended it. There has been those 'just go away' moments..

But, here I am, I think, where I am supposed to be.. Other than latitude.. Physically.. Mentally I am here, spiritually I am in a much more secure place.

I am missed, and I miss her.
Situations could make contact difficult, but we talk every day, for a few hours. Our schedules are compatible.
I know my feelings have grown, and I am not holding back.

Funny because I thought last year, that I probably would never see 'Mi Sirena' again ..yet, here we are.. Reconnected..
I say that because it is older than us. Yet here we are...
Where wil we take it?

Like the owl commercial..lets find out....

R

November 2019

After the past 2 months, to finally be here.
This is the anniversary month of me moving into my home.
One year. No fanfare, no party, really only i noticed.
I still have a bottle of champagne and glasses that my realtor gave me as a house warming gift...

This is also the month of my Birth.. I am not expecting anything other than the ordinary.. As of course always.

I need to start planning to use some of my earned paid time off...before i lose it all.

Typically the last 2 months of the year are the tightest monetarily.. This year is no exception, but i will travel and enjoy myself away from all this...bliss.. I call my life..

I thank my Sirena for my sanity and giving this old guy hope for a different future life.

Truth..if you stop searching..it finds you..
I had given up.. Resigned to what it was..
Yet.. Not looking..and found it.

Oh .. It has its difficulties.. But.. Somethings need to run their course..and work themselves out..
Most things need to be pushed..nudged... To put them on track..to keep them on track..

I think, if this was perfect.. It would fade.. It needs the little struggles.. The minor difficulties to grow..to become all it can be..for everyone. These difficulties, beside timing and money.. Are really minor.. Things that can and are being managed.
Yes, it crimps my 5 yr money plan..but..that was because there was no other reason to work..
No reason to take.vacations, or save days..
But now.. Maybe, there is.

Ok.. I know .. I will share this space with you.. Right now..
I don't want to change your view of me, beyond the one you know.. But over the past 10 years.. I have been through a bit more than I can say.. This is the place it is said..
You may come here and see the other side of me.. And acknowledge what you already know..but prove it..
You may find a few insights to .. This person.. Me..
Or you may just reinforce what you already knew.

I know I may slip and mention things you never realized about me.. Just as I have learned a lot about you..many things that corrected my perceptions, of things I was told to believe..I think to steer me away.. But never really worked.

But here we are.. Here and now.. I really think where we should have been years ago.

Centuries even..

I am in a good place.. Not perfect..but good.
Perfect would be a different time zone.. Soon.

I will elaborate more..

R

(Edited for spelling mistakes)

Reaching out, just to get my had slapped.

I mentioned in my last post, I was looking at things in my past...

So, I decided to send a message, just an update, to tell someone my cell phone number had changed, and that I am celebrating 1 year in my house.  I followed that with my new address.

I got:
    ok
    I didn't know you moved until after you left...

Then a couple questions..
simple answers..

then no further response for 5 hours...
then:
     I had to take a minute to respond to that.
     I said I would never screw you over and I didn't but wow did you get me.

I responded: Huh?

... Crickets.. nothing..


Well, this was the first contact for nearly 3 years, nothing.. I reached out, I figured they would not take the fact that I moved, nearly 2 years ago, with out letting them know.. but that road has 2 sides of the street.. I was there a year before I moved, with no contact.. from me or them.. there was more than enough reason for them to be in contact, not just me.. I didn't press it anymore.. I gave up.. I figured It was no longer on me. the shear fact that I sold everything, quit my job, moved 2000+ miles away, visited their family.. I know 9 months later they still didn't realize I had left, only for me to text 19 months later and get that response??

No.  I will not feel bad about this.. 

Just WOW

More later..

R