Valentine's day

A few years ago I wrote a Valentine's day note..
It addressed my exes.. From the most recent to deep in my past..I wrote it specifically for a few that made or broke me..
Funny thing..is one of the people I wrote about..responded to it..in sympathy.. Not knowing it was about them..
The other..had no clue.. Not that I expected any...
Yet..here I am several years later.. And older.. Wiser.. Just as much h a sappy.. Romantic..
I have always hated being alone...yet.. That is where I end up.
I have always hoped to find the one person that sees who I am..and let's me be him..the one that loves...adores..you..and sees that you like the me..that no one sees...all of me..
Each time I have been there..I was fooled. Misled..
Now I am not young any more.. And as jaded as I allow..not too much..but..enough..cautious.. But reckless too. I allow myself happiness even if I know it is fleeting.
I see when it can last.. And fight to hold on to it..
But..in the end..it isn't up to me..
I hold on..
I assess the risks..
I run through the scenarios..
Hope for more data...info..to know where I am..but..I do know..
I just have to convince myself that I do know..

In these many years.. I suffered through..my in securities.. And missed out on many different happinesses...but..some of those were not meant for me..or to be for me.. My life would have been so different..
There are many positives to my current situation..it is what it should be.

I know I have made a difference in many lives.. Mine included..
I have a young adult..that relies on my guidance.. I am deeply in love with someone that understands me.. Even if we don't admit it .. We do..but don't trust it..but it is very real to me.
Yet..I need to figure out what I can do to make it more than a feeling..

This season.. Is hard for most....but I have Taylor Swift in my dreams..
Really..I don't know where that came from.. But it is nice to have dreams..not nightmares..

Yes.. I remember...a few years ago.. And I will hug that memory tonight.
I need you..if you didn't know that already..

Friend..
Or more..

What can I say?

I think I should ..stop..
For now..

Love you.

R 2/15/18