Cold nights..

Typical Colorado Springs winter weather.. Warm sunny days.. Cold nights.
It was a nice day for February. But I am sitting here under a vent..oozing cold outside air. Brrrr. Then the heat kicks in for about 10mins.. My hands are cold..and I am drinking a cold beer...so now that the seats have emptied out I can move between the ceiling vents.
Better.

Today was better than Monday.. I got paid for the radio work I finished..and shipped it out.. I sent a gift to a friend.. Nothing much but a reminder that I am thinking of them.
I need to order parts for to people..to finish their radios.. The radios I just finished, the owner said he has a few more to send. Time will mean money.

I need to finish a few things..
I need to investigate refinance options..or see if I just wait to sell and move..
I need to find the place and the job.. And just go.

I want to  just get this done.
I need to find..a place to call home.
Because this isn't it.

All I have..here is work.. Yes I have a place ..a comfortable place to sleep..but there is no joy to be home.
It is just my place to be when I am not working.. And even then.. I need to find a place to go.. Drive..or work ..if I am not sleeping.
There is no joy being home..
Not really joy at work..other than the personal satisfaction of fixing stuff...
Everything from changing lightbulbs..to fixing the sink.. Or figuring out how to keep people from hitting the fence...there is no recognition..no compensation.. I am doing this .. All of it..for my satisfaction.. I did it. If it kept us functioning..or kept me or mike from being called in.. Win win..

It is time..

There is no one here to make sure I process and follow up..
Just me.
I need to make time.. And just get it done.

All on me.
No shocker there.

Always has been just me..

Hugs to you all..especially you that need it..
Just remember me..hug me back.

R 2/28/18

Uncommon sense...

Yep..more if that than should be. It is Monday. The day was long...frustrating and annoying. Dealing with those that either don't want to do their job..or don't know how to do their job. Leaving many important things undone. Making my job difficult..or making me do their job too.
I have enough to do.
I was better at lunchtime..got to vent about someone killing the microwave.
Just to get back and find that while I was gone someone burnt stuff in the toaster oven! And left it for someone else to clean up.. Not me!
Maybe Tuesday will be better... The boss is out..so no morning meeting..

I have a list of things to get done.. We will see how many I can do.

Some things are happening.. Saturday I got my state tax refund, and Monday I got my Federal tax refund! Sunday I got $50 for wiring some electrical work for a friend, Tuesday I should get paid for radio work.. Maybe I can get back on track this month.

My sleep has been OK.. Still hard to get to sleep..and the best sleep is that hour between alarm clocks.. No vivid dreams lately.. I guess Taylor didn't want a second date... I'm working on another job application and another update to my resume.
I am happy I have the ones in my life that continue to give my efforts meaning.
I know I have to keep on moving forward.. This past 2 months..have flown by..I still have a positive feeling.. My vacation helped find that..and it lasts .
Thank you! Again and again! I felt at home..like I belonged. Very comfortable. You and yours made that possible for us. Thank you!
It helped clear my stress..my head..my heart..
Just so you know.. Thanks!!

Sunday I spent time cleaning my home.. Got a lot done.. I realized that I have neglected a bit..and really need to do more.. Clean up..purge..straighten..de-clutter..and more.. It has been just me picking up.. No help.. I need to address that..
It is bad enough that I am the only one working.. Been there.. But cooking..cleaning..and all is on me..
Working 12 hrs a day or more..and some weekends.. And late nights.. Leaves me little time for much else.

I  have and will continue to make time for all that and me too..
But..the plan..is to get free.. .Leave this rut.. Get out..
Start over in a new place.. Just find that better happy place..
I am in this place because of someone else's need..not mine..
I have been here 16 yrs..

Time..
It is time..
Can I get it done..in 2mo?? 6mo?????

I know I need to .. For me..

Let's see!!

R 2/25/18

Hi there!!

It has been a beautiful day. I woke early..begged and started my day..found that a local car club had planned a drive..so I decided to go.. It was great.. L and I went..met the small group and enjoyed the drive.. We left at 12:30..and got  home at 9 pm.. A great day.. With L and new friends. And I got to drive in the mountains.  Tomorrow I have chores.. Volunteer time..and a side job.. For cash.. I have finished the current radio work. For $700.. And expect payment Tuesday.. So it has been good.. I have been able to chat with my friend..the one that keeps me sane.. Mission accomplished.. I love her so much.. I need her more than I can express..

So tomorrow is the next day..
Smile..someone loves you!!!

R 2/25/18 :)

Ok... I am ready..

My phone..is fighting me..every step of the way tonight.
I am cold..sitting under an outside vent..
But.. I am ready.. Time to pour out..the ooze in my head..onto this blog.

I know how to be a Good Friend.
I think after all this time.. I should be..
Either the bestest or the worst friend on the planet...

Am I ??

I need the ability to grow..
Make a life that has purpose..meaning..
The reason to get up everyday..smile at the stupidity..rite it off as uneducated..(really..not getting a clue).
The old guy in me..co
As out.. Now and then..

It has been such a long week.. I need to go home and sleep..
One more day...

Smile!!!
I did.. Thanks! 😀
R 2/23/18

Mid week

What a busy week. So much.. Even when I have worked a full busy day.. Trying to get home..I get dragged into..fixing the next new problem.
So.. My phone..hates me.
I had to reload it twice this week.
But let's see how far it goes.
Beside that.. I been busy..lots of things to do.. Limited sleep. Restless and disturbed..
My mind has been reeling since mid week last week.
Personal.. Monetary.. Planning and life's expenses..
I am still on 24 call.
I am coping..
Stressed.. Sleepless..and annoyed.
.yet..I am plugging away..
Missing those that help me survive the day to day..
Yes..missing you.
Missing...me.
I have so many issues..and needs.. Without someone to help me cope..
I am just me..
No real consequence..
Yet..without the people or person that help me be...
I am..not.

Just..not
Which.. Just makes me..lonely..or feeling...alone..

Why..
Just..because..

There is no one.. Not even me.. I am not..really here.

I am just a figment of my own mind..

I never felt like I matter .. To anyone but me..
Not that I have a high opinion of me.

Yet..I know..I matter to a limited few..
That counts..

R 2/22/18

Kicking...

I know that many times life offers help..suggestions..guidance..from many sources..
In the end..it is always up to us..as intelligent beings, to think.. Weigh the information..to decide..how it applies to me..the person..
The key is the interpretation.. No one can tell you what you need to do to succeed..it is up to you. You decide how events affect you and your life. You decide if the information you receive is useful to you..if it will influence your decisions for your life.. We are intelligent humans.
Our life is not set..not predetermined, we make our destiny, our own happiness.. Our decisions determine our happiness.. Otherwise..what is the point?? Should we even try??

No.. We are individuals.. People..we make our lives good or bad.
It depends on how we react to what experiences we survive..
We can fold..give in to..the negative..or we can find the positive.. accept the good in any experience..take hold of any positive that presents itself..use our knowledge.. Not someone's interpretation of me..or you.. I know me better than anyone. .. Just ask me.. You know you better than a stranger could ever..

We hide a lot..from everyone..sometimes..even ourselves..
Some people ..the ones that know us..can help us see..
Us..the me..we hide.. From ourselves.. But.. In the end.. It is our interpretation..
That is what matters most... To us..

R 2/20/18

Not trying to be harsh.

Yet..I do come across that way most of the time..
Sorry..

If I have found my way into your life..or let you into mine..
You must know why..or who I am.. And know why we are friends ..
I am capable of love without attachments..but it is difficult.. A real chore.. I took lessons.. From a master.. I can, if that is what I set out to do...but I am not programmed that way.. That takes more effort..
I am all in..or not. It is just easier that way.. Yet.. I mull over each decision..and relationship..and always wonder why my bed is empty..and why I feel alone.  I connect with some..but I feel my past failures are holding me back.. Keeping me from finding the one that wants me as much as I want them.  There have been a few..but never in a mutual situation.. Always one more than the other.. I end up the loser..

So.. I think.. I am here again... Alone.
I have created options.. And need to do a few thing's to try to make an effort but I haven't.. For no reason other than I am busy.. Doing the day to day ... I want to.. Need to.. For me...
..
It is mid-feburary.. Time is slipping past..
I need to .. Do..

I need to find me..
Before I can share ..me.. With you.. Me ..
Or anyone..

I know no one can manipulate this for me..
It is one more thing on my shoulder's...

Just me.

R 2/17/18

Wow...this month is whizzing along

It is the 15th... My work anniversary.. 15 yrs in this job.. No fanfare.. No cards. No cake.. Just more work. I don't even get the 15yr benefit till next January... But.. I hope to either get some kind of raise..or a bonus..or both.. Even though we have been told that we get none..
Just keep working..keep making someone money.. You..are a cog.. Part of the machinery.. You keep it all moving..functioning... And don't make money..you just cost money.. Not a revenue generating department.. Yet...without what we do.. They would not have anything to sell... But..they will never admit it.. Just cogs in the machinery.

But.. That really does not effect what I do.. I work for my satisfaction.. I do my day to day for me.. Yes..I get paid to do this..never enough..but it is my job to do what I do..so I do it..to the best of my ability.. I have for 15 years..
Yet.. We all need acknowledgement..praise.. Recognition..
In the corporate world..that means..money..pay raise.. Bonus.. Something..beside a box of chocolates and cheap bottle of wine ..
But..over the years.. I have done OK.. And continued to work..

It is kinda like all I do.. Never halfway.. All or nothing.. Otherwise why even try..
If I put in the effort..because I care.. I want to..I want a positive result.. I work toward the result.. The reason.. My justification..
If you have been a recipient of this attention.. Know it is..deliberate..calculated.. Hoped..planned... Because it matters...more than a lot.. Otherwise..it would just be casual..

Yes..I do know how to be ..just casual..

It isn't what the people that I let in know..
They think me as decisive and intense.. But determined and calculated is a better explanation.. I am just the weird me..the one you wanted to get to know.. Because..you can see.. Me..

Think about it..
What about me .. Intrigued you?
Really...

What?

Right place..right time..??

Or a bit more than that?  !

R
2/15/18

Valentine's day

A few years ago I wrote a Valentine's day note..
It addressed my exes.. From the most recent to deep in my past..I wrote it specifically for a few that made or broke me..
Funny thing..is one of the people I wrote about..responded to it..in sympathy.. Not knowing it was about them..
The other..had no clue.. Not that I expected any...
Yet..here I am several years later.. And older.. Wiser.. Just as much h a sappy.. Romantic..
I have always hated being alone...yet.. That is where I end up.
I have always hoped to find the one person that sees who I am..and let's me be him..the one that loves...adores..you..and sees that you like the me..that no one sees...all of me..
Each time I have been there..I was fooled. Misled..
Now I am not young any more.. And as jaded as I allow..not too much..but..enough..cautious.. But reckless too. I allow myself happiness even if I know it is fleeting.
I see when it can last.. And fight to hold on to it..
But..in the end..it isn't up to me..
I hold on..
I assess the risks..
I run through the scenarios..
Hope for more data...info..to know where I am..but..I do know..
I just have to convince myself that I do know..

In these many years.. I suffered through..my in securities.. And missed out on many different happinesses...but..some of those were not meant for me..or to be for me.. My life would have been so different..
There are many positives to my current situation..it is what it should be.

I know I have made a difference in many lives.. Mine included..
I have a young adult..that relies on my guidance.. I am deeply in love with someone that understands me.. Even if we don't admit it .. We do..but don't trust it..but it is very real to me.
Yet..I need to figure out what I can do to make it more than a feeling..

This season.. Is hard for most....but I have Taylor Swift in my dreams..
Really..I don't know where that came from.. But it is nice to have dreams..not nightmares..

Yes.. I remember...a few years ago.. And I will hug that memory tonight.
I need you..if you didn't know that already..

Friend..
Or more..

What can I say?

I think I should ..stop..
For now..

Love you.

R 2/15/18

Another Monday

It has been a typical Monday..not too bad but..mainly busy..lots to do.. Just me doing it.. I think I got a lot done. Yet..here it is..11:30p...and just got a text..the gate is not letting some one out of the parking lot at work...ugh..you would think you pay $20,000 for a gate system..and it should work more than when it is sunny and warm.

The rest of the nontechnical issues have been monetary.. Can't get our payee department to sync with most of the accounts we owe..  Can't get the accounts we owe to cooperate so we can pay them..
Frustration supreme.

Blah..blah..

The weekend was littered with work .. Weather and snow. I was at work sat and sun..with minor and major stuff. I made it work..

I did sleep.. But had strange dreams all weekend..
Taylor.. Contact me..
The rest was waking dreams..where you are almost awake..and think about... Things and situations.. And how they could go...
Missing someone..and half remembering and wishing.. You could relive..and re-love... Experience what you did.. But still asleep.
But with such a smile.. And such a good feeling..

Missing you.. Missing being comfortable.  Happy.
Yet..here I am..
I did get my taxes done.. Not nearly as much as last year..but still good.
It won't pay my cc bills..but will help.. The rest..will work out..

I've been working at home too..I just got another in..and have 3 near completion.. And another.. 

It helps..
My assistant should be back tomorrow. Hopefully he will be ready to help..and not a basket case..
But I would understand if he was.. I have made it this far.. I can handle it..if it was..
I
We will see.. I have plenty of things I need to get done..that he can help with..

I guess I am so off topic..I have lost my place..

Hey! Thank you for..being you.
I love you..
You keep me sane.

Yes..I know I help you too..
That is how it is supposed to be..
Love you..

Hugs..

R 2/13/18

:)

Snow..

It is winter.. But this is the first real accumulation of a more than a dusting. .. So with that.. I get to shovel snow at work..replace the now  broken salt spreader, and buy more salt.. I thought I dropped the corporate credit card in Walmart... Found it inside my jacket.. I was driving my car..until the roads started getting too slick..I still have to rotate my tires. Put the newer good ones on the front.. So..I parked it at work and took the truck. Went and bought a new salt spreader and a new shovel. At the same time... We had issues at work.. 3 days of setup and prep..for today's event..and they went.. Without any of the backup equipment.  So naturally..what they had..failed.. I was able to get one contingency to work..and we survived..
That meant a late dinner..that ended up being Chinese takeout.. And L was still asleep till 10.
I did eventually get most of my chores done..and my own driveway shoveled.. Tomorrow I expect to nix my noon appointment.. My choices are clean the house..work on radios.. And watch TV.
And wait to get called into work for something stupid.

Maybe..it will just be a quiet Sunday..

If the sun comes out..I will probably go get my car..
Probably rotate the tires..  A day late..but.. Ready for the next snow.
I should start saving for a pair of tires.
Maybe after the taxes come in....

I have a solution to my personnel problem.. Gonna hire the new guy from another department.. Part-time.. One or two days a week.
I won't have to tell him about the department changes coming..he can just go back to the other department full-time.

I really need to be gone..before this happens.
Then they can blame it on me.. For not telling anyone they were planning on deleting their jobs.

The stress of knowing this has been on me for months.. I just cannot divulge this info.. It is good that I haven't because it was supposed to happen 3 years ago..and each year since. Maybe it won't happen this year.. I doubt it.

I think I need to just start spending the company's money..buy the stuff needed..and not ask..
We need it..let them figure out what pocket the money comes from..
Spend till someone asks..or till I leave..

That résumé.. Needs work.. I will see if I can work on it today..
This past week by myself at work, has reminded me all of the responsibilities I have.. And then some.
I have been squeezing time here and there to get things done..still working long days..in early..late lunch..if I get lunch..staying late..coming in after hours.. Just a lot..

But all part of the job.

My assistant should be back Tuesday..hopefully.. Not sure how useful he will be.. He has personal stresses..
So.. Keep on doing what I have been..
I am still on 24/7 call.. Since October.
No end in sight..

It is time.
I just have to make the time to do the things I need to do.

Monday is coming..

R 2/11/18

Next thought...

This is the next thought..

If you know me..even by only reading this blog.. Here is another..

I read the last post.. It was great..but I do not remember writing it..
But.. It was on my mind..
So... I posted it.

One of my issues is I do not think I am enough of a Dad for my young adult. I never know how hard to press.. I suggest..I hope she sees it..but I can be obscure.. I wish I had some outside help.. But I am on my own.. Still learning.. How to say..what to say..how to be..
She isn't complaining..but is not making any effort.
I need her to help...pitch in... So I am not doing it all..but I ask..suggest but not much help..
Currently been working long days.. And still coming home..and cooking..cleaning...and such..
Not getting any help.
Totally my fault.. I never pressed the issue.. Yet..here I am..enabling her..and not being happy about it...
But.. I take some blame for it.

All of this.. Makes me wonder .. How to fix it..how to change it..
She is 22..
No where near where I was at that age.
But..this is a different time.. A different generation..
So.. Here I am... Feeling.. As if..I have failed..
This was not supposed to be a one parent job..
Yet.. It is all on me.
I just do not know..

I try to be what I think a good dad should be..

But.. Often I feel I am just not hitting the mark..

Sorry my girl.. I wish I was able to provide what you need...
I hope I haven't failed too bad..

That is the end of my..lament..

I will keep trying...
It is all I can do..

R2/09/18

Real

I just had a conversation with a new dad..
My advice..be a good dad...
It has been my goal.
A goal for the last 22 years..
We are the examples they either learn to love or the example to never be...
I have always tried to be like my father..an example to emulate.. And share. If I am half the dad he was... It will be more than enough to prod a young adult to excel, And make the planet a better place.. It is our responsibility...

In all the ..planning for their future.. We ..you..I.. Need to make sure we do not forget we need to be responsible.. But we need to find a way to be happy for ourselves too... While we structure their lives to be easier than ours.. That is what we want ultimately... But in reality..
They have to learn from our struggle..and not repeat....but solve the new challenges... And thrive.. Be in a better place..than we have struggled to climb to....that..is what we wish for our offspring.
All that is left is for us to find...that place..person..that makes us happy to be here now... It once..we ..find that.. We should go after it.. Because.. We deserve to be happy.. To get a reward for all we do for others...
We need to accept those we need in our lives.  .. The ones that keep us smiling.. The ones we
Talk to..that we find.. Makes us.. Grin..even when we are sad..
The ones..that always make us feel better..the ones we find..that we miss if we don't connect.. The 'you'..
I will always miss you... If we do not connect..

So..here I am.

Miss you.

R 2/7/18

Another long day.. More to come..

Yep.. Just another.
I also got home..cooked..and worked on radios.. Answered w
Emails.. Just another day..still doing all I can. I have lots to schedule ..for this week.. I am on my own..
I have and can handle it.
I get done..what I can. Prioritize.. Divide and conquer.
In the end..it gets done.

This week has been difficult..and eye opening..scary..and more red flags.. I see where I am. I need to make a change..my motivation is at a premium. Just for me..I need to make this happen.
I can.. I should.. I will.

Yes, I am missing..having a friend..right here.. In my mind.. Prodding me..helping me figure out each step and process...it is all on me..sink or swim..all my fame or flaw..
I know no one can tell me what or how to get this done..but..to have a voice in my corner..approving my thoughts and plans and decisions..will validate..what I already know..
No..I am not looking for a yes man..but someone to discuss the thoughts in my head.. All the scenarios.. Justifications..
Those things I have mulled over for months.. Affirmation..

It is too much to ask.. So I don't..

I am too old to expect to be told what to do..
I know I have to figure it out.. As I have since I was 18yrs old.
Yet..here I am.. Procrastinating.. For what? Approval?? From who??
I have to do this for me..

Laments..of the over thinker..

Really.. If you have read any of this blog..
You would see..

I need this change...

Maybe.. I can find that smile..
The one I want to see everyday.
And the one I want to see in the mirror...

:)

R 2/7/18

Plans

I need to plan. .. I will make plans.. I have things to do.. I will do them.
I am working on it.. But.. The writing is on the wall.. Work is changing..the city is changing.. I am ready to get out..
Tonight.. Is an actual case.. The traffic.. Was because a cop was killed a block from work.. 40 police cruisers.. Blocking off a road.. 3 officers shot..one dead.. The perp..killed. Over a stolen car..

Time to leave.. So scary..

It is time..

I really think.. I may have waited.. Too long..
I don't think I have missed the 'window'.. But.. I need to..

The tasks I have .. Work wise.. Are not important to anyone but me..
Back to that personal satisfaction.. Thing..
But... I need to let go..and..just set the wheels in motion..

Make it happen

I have before..and can...

I must..I will..

:)

R 2/6/18

Here we are.. Damn groundhog..

Not really .. I don't think the rodent meant any harm ..
He will probably be right for Pennsylvania.... But who knows?

It has been a busy week.. I think next week will be busy as well.. I will get it done.. I have to do my taxes.. And figure out what is next. I have to plan.. And proceed. I think things work wise are coming to a point ..a turning point..I think I may be put in a position to display my loyalty..my dedication.. Or time to bail...

I think ... Time to bail...

I can continue to dig this hole..and work myself to death..or make changes.. Take advantage of the opportunities that are plain..
Put the effort into something that in the end will make it all worth it..

Change of scene.. Closer to the place I call home.

If I can get a few minutes to work out all the details..
I can get started..
I will.

Smile..
That's what I keep telling myself.. I can..I will..

R2/3/18 

This week..

Ugh..
Just gets longer.. But Friday is tomorrow. My assistant has been out since Tuesday.. Personal family stuff. .. Serious stuff.. I hope it all works out for the best...
But..it means I have to pick up the slack.. Be everywhere. . get it all done.. And we have not been light on issues. Equipment failures..random breakdowns.. Motor weirdness.. Microphone noise.. Power supply failures...plus all the network and computer stuff. And the off site prep for the remote camera we are trying to get going..
And I need to hire a body to work in position that will be redundant in 5 months.. For chicken feed..  Plus all the account and billing problems.
Just ugh! Or....Arrrrgh!!!

You... Thanks for being there to help me through this.. Thanks for listening...thanks for letting me help..letting me listen.. At least I know I am helping someone... Someone that appreciates it.. Someone that makes me smile.. And someone that let's me help them to smile.

If all I ever needed to do was to make people smile..I would.. I would never be unhappy...ever again... I try.  It can be hard. Not everyone wants to be happy.... Really... There are those that are constantly trying to find the next thing to make them stay miserable...those people like it when everyone is just as miserable..and would not know a real happy thought if it flew in the window and blew pixie dust in their face....
....
But.. Those of us..looking for the next smile.. We are in good company.. Some of us have had to endure terribleness in our lives..but carry on and look for the reasons to smile..yes..look and find the reasons to smile..do your best..shine.. Be a beacon for the lost..uplift.. Smile..at strangers.. You just may make their day...maybe turn it around for them.. And it will do something for you too.. Be kind.. It will come back to you..when you need it most..

All of that.. Someone does that for me.. I am very grateful you exist.

I hope I can do the same.

As we sneak into February.. I hope to move on my plans..and find the proper direction.. The right move.. In the right direction.. And continue this adventure and fill it with smiles...hugs... And good thoughts.

Life needs to listen to me..I know how to be happy.. Let me.

R 2/01/18