The car is fixed.

I picked it up tonight. Seems to be running fine.
Maybe the gas mileage will improve a bit.
It was not as costly as I first thought. But I still had to use a card to pay for it... It is good to have her back.

Tomorrow I have some off site stuff in the morning. My assistant called out already.. So it will be just me. I have to bring equipment..ladder..drill cable..tools flashlights.. Extra batteries.. I have to lug most up to the 6th floor in a building with no electricity..no elevators..
Then go up on the roof..to drill a cable hole.. Run cable down one floor..tie it in on 6..go down to 4..run 500' of cable in the ceiling.. Tie it into a panel that will connect to the basement. That will probably take more time than I have tomorrow. ... Even more..since I won't have any help.  Then maybe again on Thursday morning..

Today went OK..just me.. Meetings..setting up a computer..repair a studio robot camera.. Other minor stuff..

My phone has been. Behaving.. A little better..
I have stuff to fix at home..parts to order... The cat needs a bath..
The house needs more cleaning. I have documents to create.. And of course bills to pay.. And it is tax time. I think I have all my documentation in..time to get it filled out.
Then do some online searches..and inquiries.

I installed a new SMS app to fix my text message problems.
I think that is the key..find the weird apps pre-installed on this phone..with others that actually work. Disabling the pre-installed..
I will make this phone a good purchase.

I find myself wondering.. As always.. Then I get to have actual voice contact.. I relax..and feel better..I smile more..I don't let the normal stresses bother me as much.. I think clearly.. I am able to help others easily...and actually want to help.
It is something I know is directly related to a phone call...or a series of texts too.
It helps me more than I can express. I don't know if it is noticeable..but I can attribute it to 'contact', it fixes me..aligns my head..and thoughts.

It is more than the friend connection.. It has a connection on a deep level..I have found that being near..is calming..destressing.. More than just happy..and hopelessly infatuated.. Yes..I control the many levels it could escalate beyond.. Those few moments..when all walls are down and I am on that level of unrestricted.. I still find caution..and don't get 'lost'.. As much as I want to..
I do normally restrict..and remind me of my place..
It is a complicated place...of my own making..
More of a living in that moment..expectations muted.
But feeling not diminished. Just for what ever that minute allows.

I don't think I am explaining this in full.. It is more complicated.
But the point is it repairs my soul to be near. To be able to be real.
To enjoy the company of someone who gets me.
That I get.

R 1/31/18

Why am i working myself so hard??

Well-being .. I always put in my 100%... But I am really over doing this. Working 13 hr days.. For no other reason than I know I need to get things done.. If not it won't get done.
I am the one they will ask why it isn't done.
I worked every day this weekend..Saturday till 1:30a Sunday from 9 to 11a..and Monday..  In at 7:30...out at 6:30..back at 10..
No recognition..no extra pay..salary..  Bonus?? No..
Raise..not.
Admonition..limited. Appreciation..little.
Work..tasks.. Many.
Yet..I feel the need to find the end..

Tasks I need to finish..just because.. It looks good on a resume..and personal satisfaction to be able to say..'I fought to get that done. I saved/made money ...for some one.. Because it was the right thing to do ..and I got it done.
Pat my own self on the back.
Job well done..

It is time for me to do for me... Be for me. Find where I NEED to be..and make it happen.
For me.

It is a new year...not much has changed.. Work wise.
Last minute demands..and no Communication..
No guidance..no SOP.. 'Wing it'

I am so done..
So alone...
A bit lost..

But what else is new.. Not much.

Hey!
You know.. Or should know..
I .. Need you...
I need your smile..your voice when I help you see how beautiful you are..and can be...
I need you..
Be you ..
Because 'you' are beautiful.. And loved..
Hugs.. Squeezes .. You know. ..

Time.. My enemy..
Distance..its brother..
I will vanquish both..
I will make it happen.. I have no reason to be two time zones from where I need to be  ...
None.

But ..it is only Monday..

Love you.. Call me!!!
Text me..

Just..read my blog.. Know me.. It is all here.
Really not hard to see.. It is just me.

R1/30/18

Long day for a Saturday

Well.. It has been a day. Got up as usual..started laundry..compiled the grocery list.. Went shopping..stopped in for a haircut.. Back home put away the groceries..got my list of parts I needed for a repair....got a call from work..some contractors need to be let in.. Called the on duty operator and told him to allow them in.. To fix the set lighting and deliver a new set piece.
A few mins later..he called back.. Asked where stuff was to go..
Called again.. Asked if I was coming in..the contractors needed to speak with me... I said I will be in shortly..
I went to the part store..then into work.. They only had half the issue..
Needed my help..after tracing some circuits..and finding materials..making some cables for them.
It was 7:30p.. I left for dinner..they were going to stay till 9.
After dinner..I went back..at 10:15p..ran in power circuits..for them..cleaned up..and finished by 1:15.
They will be back in the morning after 9am..
Yep.. I guess so will I..
No rest for me this weekend...I guess..

Oh..and still have not heard anything on my car..still driving the loaner..

I guess the last week of January will have me working.. Working..working.

Well at least I will be tired..when I get into bed.. I should be able to sleep.

Just roll over and hug my other pillow..

R 1/28/18

Here comes February...

OK.. I know.. January is almost done. I have work tasks to do. ..I have personal tasks as well. I need to prioritize. Work is still work. It has not improved. .. Just kind of floating.. I cannot let it overwhelm me and make me lose track of time.  I need to focus on planning.

It is almost time to file my taxes.. Maybe I can make some bill adjustments. And get back ahead of my money.
I am still collecting my documents needed to file.

My car is still getting fixed. It is an ouch..but deserved maintenance.
Nearly 130,000 miles..a bit of routine service..some unexpected.
Has to be done.

I am just hoping the tax return is enough to ease the budget..
I don't expect a raise or a bonus this year.. Other than the company wide tax bonus they announced.. A tenth of what I got last year.
I cannot expect it...rely on it...it would help..

Bills at work are still not getting paid.. PTO is still wrong. The system says I have used all my time for the entire year..I have 8hours left... I think not. I have only used 16 hrs of 120...

So.. I need to keep an eye on that. I also need to start submitting paper to places..and see..what bites. I need to open that network of subordinates...friends..and bosses.. And see where I can go.

I miss home every day.
The time spent in that vicinity..was proof of where I need to be.
Physically and mentally .. I felt good..happy.. Stress free.. I know work will add stress...but being around friends and people you care for..matters a lot..when it comes to managing stress..
I need my friends..those who really appreciate me..who I appreciate.

I hope I am not appearing to be too needy.. I am not assigning too much to my friendship. It is important to me..but I know it is not more..than it should be. I am happy to have a close friend..one I care for so deeply.  I know I get caught up..in the moments..and may make it appear I am expecting it to be more. It is what it is. What it is is good.
There is time to see what it becomes.
What it is ..is good.

I know..probably does not need to be examined.. But I always fear I am misunderstood.. I will take what I deserve.. What I can without pressure.

OK .. Too much..maybe.. But. . I don't want to scare away the friend I have..

We do not know what tomorrow will bring us.. We can hope it is something we will like and accept. If it does.. Great!.
If not.. Keep on..and be optimistic.

Here comes Feb..

R 1/26/18

Arrrrgh..car problems...and such

I admit I drive my car as much as I can.
That requires service.
So Pearl is at the dealer. I got the estimate. Yikes..
But .. I drive ... The reason..I bought it.. To drive it.
And I have.. So it costs to be able to do that.
So.. I will pay and drive another day..

I do appreciate the ability to have a vehicle that allows me to go..when I need to..where I want to be..
It has allowed me to visit and see and be with the people that make me smile and warm my heart.

So I will pay to keep her in the place I need to facilitate my sanity.
As I explained it is normal wear and tear to a friend I rely on.

Shifting gears..

I enjoyed my chat.. Reminders of where my head is.. I did not
Let Skip my deep thoughts.. But they are forefront..in my plans..
The corp bull is just that.. I Must plan .. For my own sanity..
My plans that I told you.. Have not changed.. I will not be here... Not another year..
That is my plan.

I miss ....

You.. Me.. The feelings..
I could be happy..just chatting everyday..and spending time around you.. Finding smiles and sharing comfortable places together..

This is where I want to be in 2018.

Not alone in my head..but... To know..I belong to someone that appreciates what I have to bring to a friendship.

Yet.. Here I am
Wanting to be in an other situation..

Good night...
Good day..
You know..
Love you much.. More than much.

R 1/25/18

Taxes and lost data...

Constants of the adult life.
Pay those bills.. plan for tomorrow.. hope your plans work to your advantage.
Wants and wishes.. are a bonus. We do our best ..
I know.. this year is not going to be as good ..monetarily as last year.
I will adjust..
One more reason to finalize my plans..
Make it count..

I am not as stressed as i should be..thanks to my  vacation cleansing.
Friends and being stress free..for two weeks make all the difference.
Mostly friends..and feeling comfortable..
Yes..feeling comfortable.

I will process my taxes..and hope it helps toward relocation..

I will in investigate opportunities.. and make the needed plans..
I know I cannot put this off any longer..
It has to be done.. now!

I do miss being close to someone..
I need to be somewhere other than 2000 miles away. Maybe in the same time zone...

Yet.. here i am.. struggling each day.. wishing i was closer.
Closer to someone that 'gets' me...
Someone i want to be near.

Small steps.. a little at a time..
Then.. just do it..
I am in the just do it stage..or right there..

Miss you all.. got to do it.

R 1/25/18

Report..

Ok .. the corporate meeting went pretty much as expected.
They mentioned how good we all are doing. They mentioned how good the stock is doing. They mentioned ...because of the corp tax cut..that we will get a bonus.. also the 401k match will be doubled.. and with regulation changes..they will continue growth.

All sounds good on the face..

I hear the scratching of the writing.. on the wall...
My plans have not changed..

I stuck another feather in my cap today.. completed a project I requested 5 years ago.. i have some clean up to finish tomorrow..and this phase is done. 
I may get kudos for it.. i may not.
I know i got it done.

I need to talk to my HR director..she caught me briefly about her chat with her superior..and said he modified something. ..i was asking for..
I hope it is allowing higher pay for my guys.. so i can hire another..at a decent wage.. i will have to talk with her..

I have been thinking a lot about my vacation i just came back from.
I need to do a few things.. for me.. and others..
I want to do this. I really need to do this.
I will do ..

I think i have reminded myself of my connection to the east coast.
All the people..the place ..even in the cold of winter.. it is where I want to be..it is home.. so comfortable.. I don't have to be there..but closer would be best. That is what we am looking for....  Closer..
I don't want to be an annoyance. I want to be available...for me .. and you. 

I know...there is many things that are unsaid..
And many reasons..
If anyone should know by now...it is me.
But.... I know how i feel. How i react..with the slightest contact.
I understand better than most.. as has been proven...not by me but others.. I know..the pain..anger.. lonely.. and the realization...and the denial..
In a near perfect world.... I would live next door.. available..but not more than either needed..but always there..
Available.

Yes there is more complete scenarios.. but lets start small.

But..all things considered..
We should be close enough to help each other... Beyond our one-ness...
We get each other.. and are afraid of what that means..
I do not want to be the replacement..or the one that betrayed or took advantage..or 'vultured'.. I truly got to know many parts of you.. and shared many parts of me.. confided.. opened up.. we have connected on many levels.. and i feel very comfortable around you.. this past visit proved this to me. Still with some restraint.. but very comfortable.. and never a thought to if i needed to be anything but me.

I know this means little.. time will fix that.
Proximity..really is an issue.. but...does not have to be.

I will work on that.

R 1/18/18

Out of nowhere..

I finally found a working keyboard. My new phone is still a bit quirky.
Tomorrow is the corporate meeting..company wide. We may learn their future plans. We may just here more of the same. .. but if there is no mention of how well the stock is doing..bonuses...better pay...   It will be the usual BS... Hiding the truth..to keep us..the ones making it possible for them to be so rich..in the dark.
I am not...expecting much.  I hope i will be surprised.

I am still me. I am pushing my way through each day..trying to shine.
If i do 'explore' (did i just type ..if?).. i want the reports to come back as 'he is bustin' his ass everyday...we didn't know he was thinking about leaving...

I need to do this.... now!

They have announced the next rally.. very different...two different starting points..meeting in the middle. Either way..if i am doing it..i have to drive to the start.. it is in July.. so it may depend a bit on where i am in July....and if i have the vacation time... I have it now....
Orlando. Or. Portland... I want to do the Portland route...i can hit a few of the northern states i have not been to.. see some places i haven't been.... But if I move east.. maybe Orlando start.. but maybe still drive to Portland. It will be an event. One if those..I did that... Moments.
I am not ready to plan that.
I will have to think that through..

If i have the time available.

Non-stressful..planning.
It either happens or it waits.

Yes..i know this is not a normal rant..
But.. really... I am happier than i have been in a long time .
I still have bills.. debt.. car problems.. i still sleep alone..i have my bright spots.. that keep me going. Past history.. and my travels.

Decisions....
Focus and..just do it.

R 1/17/18

Feeling good

This month has been quick. Lots to do..and getting it done.
A little catch up.. But business as usual.
So nice to have voice contact.. I know I am missed.
Cause.. I miss you.

Really.. Where am I?
Where should I be...??

I have been trying not to think about it too much..
Just let it happen. But I know.. I feel the need to be..not here.

I know... I am not broken... I am misplaced.
Proven. I tested a few things.. And I know...my hypothesis.. Is true.
Positives....all positives.
I need..yes need to motivate.. And make it happen.

This 2018.. Is a year.. A year of changes ..I have needed to do.
It is all down to timing ... I have to make it happen..in the time that the universe allows.
I have figured out the people I need in my life..
Fortunately they 'know' the me..most won't ever touch.
Friendships set in stone. On every level. Rock solid.
Here I am.
Love you all.
Yet...here I am.. Wondering why...I am still here.
No question.. I must evacuate...get out.. Go.
I can find the excuse to stay in this hell .. But..I know..it is time.
I got to make it a reality.

Stop procrastinating....

Now.

We can all smile...
It...after all.. Is deserved..and needed.

Smile.. It let's everyone see how beautiful you are!

R 1/16/17

2018.

Welcome. We have arrived. Yeah..I am a bit late.. 12 days in.
First paycheck of the new year.. Paid bills through the next 2 weeks.
Kinda broke.. But up to date. I have a bit for groceries and gas.
I have been so busy.. Just have not had time to compose a updated resume. I have ambitiously sat at the work bench to try to troubleshoot the last of two radio boards.. But not there yet mentally. It is a thing I have to be in tune with to be able to think my way through..to find the places to look for the solutions. So..I kinda have to be in the mood to think on that level to be successful.

An interesting thing..
Well to me..
I started this year away from home..around wonderful people.. With people always there.  Never alone.
Now I am home.. Just L the cat and I.. Yes, work...but back to the routine..but..I have not felt lonely. Not alone.. I have spent a few days just working and home and sleep and repeat..
Yes, sleep has been tough... The bed is just too big.. For just me.

I did get so used to having someone there.. To fall asleep holding you.. And wake to find you are still there... Snuggle up..and go back to sleep.
I think I did that more than a few times..

Really.. I guess I am just a simple guy.. Something's are simple but so meaningful.
So.. Maybe only alone at night. But not lonely.
It was the reverse for so long.. I think it has a new perspective.

I am optimistic that I can make the necessary changes and correct this. I have the plan..I just need to put it all in motion.
I just heard from a lost friend.. She and her man have decided to move away. She was saying goodbye.. But it turned into bye for now and keep in touch. It will be a positive for them. But another getting out..and away. I should follow suit.

MTTS has posted its route for this year.. Different.. Two halves..meeting in Colorado. Each start is a distance from here.. Orlando or Portland..I am considering Portland.. If I am still here..

Hmm.

So... I know I have things to do..to get done..
I will start..one thing at a time.
Then I will get there.

Where I need to be....

Hopefully.

R 1/13/18

Back home.

Wow!  A great time with friends and family.
Travel was timed going out.. 10 hour travel days. Two hotel stops. Good weather for December. . at least til we got to Connecticut.
After our visit in NYC. Cold and rain.
Then wind and rain then snow on the 25th. We trekked up to New Hampshire to surprise visit an old friend.
A great dinner and time shared. Kinda made everyone's day.
The rest of the week was cold outside.. But warm and cozy inside.
We got out to visit my cousin. Had dinner and talked.
We also binge watched TV. New Years was good too.. We went to the movies.. Hanged with Rick .. And had a great time together.
New years day...wow.. Cold..cold.. But went to be support for the polar plunge.. Cold... But a day to remember. Maybe next year....
Crazy.
Did I mention how cold it was???
My poor car.. Hard starting all week..finally on the morning to leave..it took almost an hour to start. Then each day back had to be jumped to start.  Of course.. Back at home..it is 50 degrees.. And no car issues...
Possibly some moisture in the fuel and lines that didn't like the 4 degree nights..
I will schedule a dealer service visit this month.
It was a great way to finish 2017.
I was comfortable and at ease.

So.. Back...  Work.. The first day..Friday.. Went OK..I had to do a few things while still on the road..Thurs..  Friday was a few quick reports and things to finish.. Then home.. Sat.. I found that I caught a bug.. Probably part of the flu that is rampant here.. Or from the cross country travel .. I had the chills and the rest... I bundled up and stayed in bed for as long as I could. Then camped on the couch... Then dinner and bed early. Same for Sunday.. Then felt better.. Slowly.. And slept.. And to work Monday. And I think I have beat it..
I think the local didn't like the foreign strain..and I got through it.

But now..I think I am getting a head cold.

Work ..ugh.. I have been working 12 to 14 hour days.. All week.
Prep and implementation.. Roll out and all that goes with that..
Today was total stress. But.. I made it through.. And no one was maimed or adversely bruised..
My bright spot.. Saved me from all this crap.
A text..a smile..emoji.. A birthday wish.. Made me smile.
A few minutes to grab me away from the stresses.
Thank you!

So... I have been coming home late.. And been sick.. I have to make time to update and do the things I need... To..

But.. I want you to know... I do miss you... I miss how I felt with you.
It was so comfortable.. Even as a guest.. It felt like home.. Like I was home. Being able to wrap my arms around you.. To be able to hug you when ever.. For no other reason than I could.. Even though.. I refrained now and then to not be .. Too much...

Miss you...

Soon

R 1/11/18