What to do

I have been fighting this dilemma in my mind.
It is puzzling to me.
Things I want to do.
Things I know I need to do.
And what I think I should not do.
I cannot over-justify any of it.
I should. I can. I just cannot make the steps.
I look, plan, justify, decide, and then put it off.
I have no real excuse except, doubt.
I know I can make it worth it. I know I wont regret it.
But, I am not sure how to go about it.
I am not overly concerned about the costs involved.
Some I worry about. Some I justify.
It is completely the wrong time of year.
I should either give it up or do something else.

Something else, comes in 3 options.
Do nothing.
Do nothing , but at home.
Do something different.

I cannot decide.

Yes. I know it is my sanity, I need to feed.
My ego. My center.
Some of the many reasons the cost isnt a real factor.

Of course responsibility fits into this.
And a lesson.
Then modes of transport.

Then if I dont do the something else, how do I do it.
With stealth? With lets see what happpens? Or planned?

Planned always ends up with last minute changes.
Lets see is usually ok, but key things get overlooked.
Stealth, while isn't completely stealth, lately has not worked as well as before. People have life plans and issues that no longer accommodate 'last minute'.

The something else. It looks inviting. No broken promises. Inexpensive. Probably get plenty of sleep. And prob wont help anyone. Not even me.

I know I could flip the destination reasons and approach it differently. But I am scared. I do not know much. And I never go in blind. That just ends in pain and heartache.
Confusion and wonder.

I have enough of that in my day to day.

I should not restrict my possibilities. Especially if they are there.
Yes, I am weak. Lonely and not quite desperate, but not a fool, well not much of one.

It is better than before.
Just not what I ever figured it would be.
Not by a long shot.

Long ago, way back when, you hoped, dreamed, learned the rituals you were required to do. You had a righteous thought. You would only love, never give in, just because, you would find the 'true' , not give away what should be earned.

Over time. With many fires and much pain. You learned.
You learned the value. Even the lack of value.
What you could give to receive. What you thought you needed, vs what you needed.
You 'settled' , you resisted. It resisted you, ran from you, naturally you chased it. Just to learn you were chasing a feeling that someone convinced you that you needed to find. Only to find, yoh needed more, much more. You wanted something that you had not defined. Until you realized exactly what it was.

Hopefully it was not after you had already blown it.
Sometimes it was.
Sometimes you realize it hasn't happened yet.
Your life up to now was purely a stepping stone, a learning experience.
Is it too late, have you missed the window??
I guess I am proof. You get many chances.
It just hinges on how you handle each chance.
What you do. How you do it.

Yes, we all die alone.
No reason we need to be alone before then.
But, absolutely no reason to settle.

So, back to it .
To go, or not.
To try new, or stay.
To just forget it, or to fight for the chances.

I have had no outside suggestions.
Some small hints.
But not really invitations.

I don't get hints. Even more so now.

Spit it out.
Reach out and grab hold.
Make a choice! Make it known.

Then, just maybe, there will be 2 less lonely people.

Yes.. that 'time and distance' thing.

It is always there.
But, you know, things can happen.
Sometimes a person just needs motivation.
A reason to make the decision to make any change.

Really. I can be alone and isolated anywhere.
It can be here or anywhere.

I will go where I can, to not be alone!

I just need a reason.
I have moved many times to not be broke or alone.
More times to not be alone without consideration of money.
I have lived with less. I am living with more than I ever have.
And I am not happy. Not satisfied.

So?
What to do?

What?

I have had a few weeks of what to do.
I have been making adjustments to memand my life.
Just to see where it leads.
So far, it is not going far.

That means.. I am doing this wrong.
I need to do something different.
Something similar?
Or completely new?

What to do?

R
11/28/16

posted from Bloggeroid

Thanks

We are in that season.
I think I may just be too old.
Too many years of, blah.
Not enough family or having anyone that cares or to care for.
I'm in the going through the motions phase.
Very little to get excited about, day to day.
I try, really try to find the 'happy'.
Just it has become an effort.
I haven't given up. But it is turning into a chore.

What am I to do?
I can only go so far with making it work.
I have experience, 20 years, but I have lost the drive.
I have put all my effort into dead ends for so long.
Easy going will never come. I have been waiting.
I should give up. Find something I don't have to think about.
Something mindless.
'The blonde ditz' .
Oh how I used that phrase years ago. No effort. A lost puppy.
Craving attention, always forgiving, no effort, easy. Boring.

No, I crave intelligent conversation. A brain. Challenges.

That always ends in tears. They are too smart for me.
They realize I am 'not enough'. And move on.

I have been moving forward in this existance, looking for some form of completion. Something I always knew I deserved, but never truly found. I have those moments where I know I will live this life as it is. The way it has been. For the rest of it.

I have not fulfilled my parenting duty. I fell short without the support I have had for her 20 years. Even my work ethic example is lost.
I really have no idea how to make any difference, and her other has withdrawn into her life. Blaming me and her for the whys and wherefores. So just lost.
It hurts to see. Knowing the loss of an accessible parent.
I feel I have failed there.
Not what I wanted for her.

So as I flounder. Lost and unmotivated. Wondering what I should do next or with the rest of my life.
Too worried about paying and making bills, the only reason I am here now. Work to pay what I owe. No smiles for doing that.
15 or so years to retire. I know I won't . I will work till the day they put the last nail in. Hell, I will probably help.
No legacy. No immortality. Just memories.

I know. Dark. Dreary.
The last few posts have been there.
It is that time of year. I have nothing to make that different.
I did not plan for the issues this year has handed me.
I have dealt with most. I have calculated the next few moves.
So here I am. Reacting instead of making the next move.

I feel I have lost.
I am lost. Which has always been where I live.
I was born in the wrong time. I do not deal well in this place.
I end up making corrections, fixing things, things that should not need fixing. Things that by now should be already just working.

Hey! Happy, where did you go?
What did I say?
Why have you been running away from me?

R 11/24/16

posted from Bloggeroid

Settling in

Changes make you move. When you move, even little moves, like from room to room. Just down the hall, to a new space.
It is still a move. You have been in your place for a few years.
Now you have to pack it all up, move it and then sort and decide if you really need all of it. So you sort as you find new places for your stuff.
Some finds a familiar location, in view. Someplace comforting.
Some find a place in a drawer or cabinet. Others end up in new places, no longer close by. Also, some end up in the trash.
Why did you have that anyway?

So you settle in. Try to get comfortable in the new place.
And yet you still need to be functional, and keep working. Keep moving. Helping. Yet you have to finish sorting and placing and trashing that which you no longer need.

This can be applied to many things in my life.
Was I actually talking about my life? Or the fact I moved out of my shared office into a new one??

I have not trashed any part of my life.
I have not moved anything in my life, or have I?

Have I settled in?
To the onelyness..

It appears I may have.
I am spending lots of time at work. Long days.
Also spending time at home. Actually watching tv, sleeping, and even getting into bed early.
I may not sleep. But I am home.
No i am not saving any more money. Being more of a hermit.

Yes, I am just as alone. No, I am not getting more done around the house.

So, I am settling In. Not Settling.

I turned down the late Sunday night text.
I only regret passing up the sure thing.
But, been this long. Why cheapen it.
And of course heard nothing more.
And dont expect to.

I have not 'settled' in.

I am here.

No I haven't pulled away. I have just stepped off.
I am afraid to step in.
Nothing new there. Just me. Not knowing what I should do and no one to help or sway one way or the other.

I no longer enjoy my bar.
I won't settle for the new.
So I have no refuge.
No esecape.

But still alone.

Still lonely.
Not many daily smiles.

Just moving to the next day. Paying that next bill.
Settling In to the just me.

Not loving it. But dealing.

The realization of many years ago.
Not much forever after going on.
And truly not much right now.
Just the few and far between.

Life steps In and reminds us that we are here and you have to live with what you get.
Some forever after lasts minutes..
Some never happens.
Some will hurt you forever.
Some will be just in your mind.
Some are never fully realized.

Some are forgotten.

I feel forgotten.

Hey!!!!

Do not forget me.

R
11/22/16

posted from Bloggeroid

Wandering

Something I am good at.
I can wander better than most.
And I have. No question about that.
This year was good for that, to a point, but when I did, it was not enough. When I needed more, it was not available, bad timing.
Now as we eek toward the end of the year, with all it brings, I find I still need to wander.
I have made restrictions in my head, rationalization, more than likely, unfounded, but on the side of caution.
I have been trying to avoid awkwardness. I definately do not want to impose.
A fine line.
I have restricted a few things I could do, want to do, because I don't know how to handle the results.
I do not want to strain any friendships, but sometimes you just need to go somewhere you are at home, aside from home.
Then, I have the young adult to worry about and provide for, even when I am not here.
But, I cannot continue to put myself on hold because she can not allow herself to adult.
Maybe it will help. To have to fend for herself.
But, the dad kicks in and I worry that it will go badly..
And I will have shirked my responsibility. And something bad could happen.

I know.

My life has been on hold for a few too many years..
And I am not getting any younger.

The next couple months will be a factor in my future.
Work can go in a totally different direction and I may be put into a place where I need to make a critical financial decision.
Or nothing could really change and I will move on To another year of change to the same.

Then it is back to me to decide what is next.

By the way, this growing older while being alone, is totally not what I had planned for the age I live in.

Yes, I am fully aware, life is never what you expect it to be, you have to work every day to be happy and stay happy.
I know too many people that have been dealt the wrong hand. They are like me, trying to figure out why and what is next.
The lucky few, they are out there, in all appearances, have it perfectly done. Happy. In love. Minor issues. But it is very rare.
Most of us are struggling, clawing our way, trying this and that,
Some just hunkering down and ignoring the world, hoping life won't bitch-slap them again.
They end up isolating themselves, hoping that someone will magically break through and sweep them off their feet.

There are some, me included, have found myself, here.
Too old for my mind. To young for my body. No options presenting themselves, no idea how to modify the present situation.
No real clue how to move forward.
Too shy to be bold.
Which is what stifles my persona.
My tools of my past are long gone.
My mentoring is long past and out dated.
My lack of real friends, Leave me with no network, no support or avenue to meet anyone.

By suggestion. I am not looking anymore.
Which never works. (By the way)
You just end up, here, where I am now.

Yes, I know, big old sob story.
No one wants me because no one knows me.
No one knows me because I m a hermit.
I appear unavailable.

Or I appear as the loser I have always been.
Or as some old guy..oggling the young women.

But , here I am.
Wandering.
By myself.

You know, if I am busy. Working.
I don't notice the time running away.

I just need to 'a' it. Find a way.

But, I am me. The same me.
One I have been for all this time.

I usually am very calculated about what I do, about who I let into my personal space. Yes, I have made the common mistakes.
Some have been real learing experiences.
But, here I am.. just me. Alone.
Wandering.

Earlier In my posts. . I have little criteria, but I need the right place, the right job, and the right girl.

I have never had all 3 in the right place and time.
2 at a time, is the most common..
Do you settle?
Do you ignore what could be?
Then go and Invite the world to vie for me?

I am sure each gender thinks the other rules.

Proof is, no one has the 'key' we all must make our way.
And see where we end up.

As a side note.
I know (knew) I can be 'that' person.
The one.
The one that could make everything better.
But.
I never get given the chance.

I have many undesireable issues.
Don't we all?

Ok. I am done for now.

Yes, am still alone..and loney.
I guess i need to stop worrying.
It may fall in place

R 11/18/17
.

posted from Bloggeroid

Hello.

Just a simple greeting.
Said to those that will accept it.
There are many things in this life that are always taken for granted.
Simple kindnesses that keep us sane and happy.
Holding the door for the person behind you.
Saying thank you.
Just being polite in general.

Sometimes we get so close to people we forget to be nice.
We forget that they still need to hear the things we say to strangers, because we are naturally polite. We need to remember to be polite to those that are close to us.

Most good relationships last longer when we remember to never forget the little things. The simple things.
You cannot take it for granted that it is implied. You bave to say it.

Just like in a long relationship. You have to remember to say I love you. And mean it.

Good friends forget to remind them how much they mean to eachother. They think it is understood. Maybe it is. But sometimes you have to express it. Yes, good friends can go years without talking and pick up were they left off. But, during that time away, how often is the other thought of or needed?

Just something to think about.

Hello.

In this age of technology, we have many ways to keep in touch.
Many of us utilize one or more of them. But it tends to broaden the gap of person to person communication. Not that it bad. If you can communicate in any form, it is better than not at all.
Once apon a time a postcard was a simple reminder that you were thought of. Very rare now.

I realize human contact is rare. Any is better than none, even electronic.
But I cannot help wanting that dinner conversation or just sitting on the couch chatting about the day. Even just being in close proximity of another human that understands and does not need to say a thing. That unspoken communication that says volumes. The look, the touch, the unspoken meaning in it all.

Communication.
A simple, Hello.
Sometimes that is all you need to remind you. You are not alone.

Hello.

R 11/14/16

posted from Bloggeroid

Is it sneaking up on you?

A true question.
One of those thriller movie moments..
The suspense incidental music playing in the background. .
You wonder.. should I just keep looking forward.. and keep moving?
Do I dare pause..and look back?
Is it going to catch up with me?
Or is it really not there. Just gone. Did it forget me? Lose all interest?
More suspense incidental music....
Do I turn and confront it? Stop and wait?
Was it all just in my head? Never real at all.
Was it a 'thing' that is now not what I thought it was?
Things change. Things appear to be one thing and with a little time morph into something else.
Sometimes with no help at all..
Time sometimes can change the very makeup of a thing. It's appearance. It's look And feel. Or can reveal what it was all along. Not what it first was.
Somethings change all by themselves. Just the natural progression.
Some change gradually, with no warning, but after a while are very different. They can change into something wondrous, or something unrecognizable.
Some change is immediate, just poof, all new, all different. No warning no explanation, done.
There you are, wondering what happened. It takes a second to figure it out. You start looking for a reason. Did you do or not do something? Did you get to comfortable? Was something else causing this change? A perception? Or even an outside perception.
Did something else act or make known a variable? Or was it really someones expectation of the variable that forced an action that lead to the abrupt change?
So, here you are, slightly moving through time, listening for that something that may be creeping up behind you. Stalking. But keeping it's distance so you cannot see it.
But, you feel it. You really want it to catch up, make itself known. You want it to stop hiding in the shadow of .......... and come back to the light. Back to the beacon.

So, I do not look over my shoulder, I walk slowly, but keep walking, listening.

The only problem with doing that, is that I question if I am walking away or walking too fast. If I am missing something else, something obvious.

I have no clue.
As always. I am clueless.

I hear quiet footsteps.
Muted attempts at contact. Restrained.
Am I imagining it?
Or is it time to turn and confront it? Either grab on to it and hold it, never letting go, no matter who disagrees, or frowns on it.
It is just me. I am walking here, slowly. Waiting to hear or see if it catches up or realizes, and backs off more. Runs away. Hides.

I know I am a safe place. I offer all and expect little.
Too good to be true.
I see where I stand.
I understand the apprehension.
I wonder if the debate is real or imagined?
Time has passed. We all have grown.
Yet, the footsteps are there.
Is it something we know? Something friendly that understands?
Is it something that no matter what will never understand or accept?
If it has not been recently defined, it may be another ghost.
A current ghost that is expected or imagined. One that really doesn't exist.
Maybe it was, but isn't now. Maybe time, the enemy, has changed perceptions.
Maybe a realization of a current happiness has snuck up on them.

You can't let the others dictate if you can be happy.
You can keep ahead of the footsteps.
But, are you running away or are you just keeping distant?


At some point, you will realize, if you were running away or running to.

You have to ask yourself, do you want to know now before it's too late? Or do you want to wait, and realize after it has caught you and it is over.

R 11/12/16

posted from Bloggeroid

Life the universe and everything else...

It is 2016...not for long..
November.
Here I am. Not a lot different than the last 10 or so years.

I have loved.. and survived. . Been extremely happy..been disappointed.. been alone..and have experienced close company of someone I care for deeply. Currently.. my status..
Is .....
Alone.
Lonely.
Frustrated.
Lost..ever so slightly.

I have allowed my self to be hurt...confused... happy and sad..
Thus adds to the frustrations...
I have been going through the day to day processes.. to get to the next day...
Dealing with the issues that prevent me from searching for happiness..
So..as before.. stopped looking..
If it don't fall into my lap..it isn't gonna happen right now.

I am not looking... which is best.. in the long run..but usually I get into that mode where I ignore what comes or is there ..

And always pay for that in hind sight..
Unless of course . . I get hit over the head.. and get told..or the like..
It has happened..and most times..been very plesant.
Unfortunately.. life and the universe. .interferes..and I end up..
Where I am..where I was..

Story of my life.

If only I could find the timing..and geography and soul..
In the right place and time..

Life the universe and all that matters ..on a personal level, would make sense.. or at least would not hurt.

I guess this universe has no sympathy for me..thus it is not 'for' me..and I must make my own. . Always. .I learned a long time ago.. that. . I am on my own.. what comes.. or not..what I see or not..
Isn't on me..but it is if I accept it.. then. .. I must deal..if not.. not on me.

So .. that is why.. no one wants me..
Yes... there are those that need me.. I need them too...
But the want.. is one sided.. me or them.. only one sided..
As you get older..as the universe exerts it's influence..
You learn.. what is 'right now' and what is 'forever'.
What is you ..or us.. and them...

Do not get me wrong.
I have enjoyed creating 'fond' memories.. but.
There comes a point.where you see..where you are going..and it is apparent it isn't where you want or need to be.

Then.. you are on 'that' end.. and you see..how much..it .. hurts.

Not that you haven't been there..before..but that it happened .. 'again'. That you let it happen..or ignored where it was headed..

Sucker...

Yes, been there done that..again..and again.
Your fault. No one to blame but ... you.

As the universe exists..and we in it.. for what tiny effect we have on It all...
But.. as I believe. We all matter..everything we do..everything you do..effects us all.
From the moment of realization..to our end..we make difference ..In everyone's existance..how ever small...it is all connected. .. on many levels.

Have you met the person..that one..that puts it all In place for you ?

Think about it!
Yes..everyone in your life..is there for a reason.. sometimes. .for THE reason... for life...the universe. .. and everything!

Yes, sometimes. .just to give you a reality check...
To put you on the right track..

If you do not see it..realize it...use it.. you will be lost..always wondering.. never actually seeing..

That..maybe why I think I am blind to the universe's pull.
I am just lost.

I guess I am not alone..

Maybe..we all just need to find eachother..

Concept.

R 11/11/16

posted from Bloggeroid

Age

Life itself is full of time.. time passes and creates age.
At some point.. after years of someone else making it important.. age and the advancing of age..starts to have meaning for almost everyone..
At some point..we have to take notice..
And decide if age makes us who we are..or determines what or how we act..
Some fight it..
Some welcome it.
I guess it depends on where we are in time..
Some choose to try to make it stand still.
Roll back the years..
Some embrace it.. display it.. being proud of what they have done up to this point in their life on this planet..
Some choose to hide..the fact that they have survived..against all odds..to be present ... now...

I never gave too much thought of it all... I was here ..at this point.. and gave of myself .. added to the 'all'..and slept better ..because I didnt shirk my given responsibilities.

I never went out of my way to make anyone's life worse..
Just the opposite..I always tried to make something better.

I have endured my mistakes..no.. my learning experiences. .
I have examined my experience..and tried to figure my place in this world. Never taking..always giving.
Karma..be my friend..

I am no longer 'young'...how I feel..does not matter to anyone but me.
No.. I would not give up any part of my life up to now..yes, I would change lots of it..if I could.. but no one can..
You are the product of your past.
How you deal with any part of it..

But..here I am ..at this point..at this moment in time.
Unfortunately..
Alone.

Really.. at this point in my life..
Not at all where I expected to be.

I did try..
Maybe a bit too much..
But .
I got handed the short end of the stick that would have saved me.
And being the person am.. could not reach it.

Well..

I am here..in 6 hours..I will be at that next minute of my years..
All I have is my grey.
And my offspring.
Another year to excel.

Not even a milestone. .
Just another day.

R
11/08/2016

posted from Bloggeroid

Hello November 2016

Well..the month is starting busy.
All this week..go..go..go..
Today was no exception. Busy from the time I got there.. no lunch.. errands instead. I did get out at 5:30.. but went home and worked on the car. Then moved the car to work..for the weekend.
Note: tonight. L drove by herself. Met me at work after I dropped the car. I am happy.

My vacation options are diminishing. It is looking like maybe first or second week of December. Maybe a driving trip..maybe a flyer.
Just have to find someone that wants to see me. Without excuses or reservations.
I see them everywhere I want to be..
Understandable. .but still not easy..

Maybe I should head out to Idaho..or Montana or Seattle.... just scout out the landscape.

I can be alone anywhere.
Why restrict it to Colorado.?

Yes..a bit down.. lost..wandering in my head..

I really am not meeting anyone new...or old..and have no local support group.. the more I think of it..the more it makes me wonder why.

(Sarcastic mode enabled)
I know I have nothing to offer..no prospects..I am hard to talk to..hard to get along with..never comprise. .never give in..I mooch..have no job.. no home..I am irresponsible. .foolish... I only care about me..I don't care about anyone else. . I expect to be catered to.. I will never give in.. my way or the hiway.. I dont respect anyone or anything. I don't care about anyone but me.
I am selfish in life and everywhere else that really matters. .
....
(Sarcastic mode ..ends)

So I have to ask..

Why?

I know..I am not a bad boy.
I think after the last decade's milestone.. that isn't as desireable..
Yet..I am where I am.
Puzzled.

No one will let me show what I can do..or be..

Maybe they are there..waiting on me..
But in true .. me style.. I have no clue.

So the next day is coming..nothing is changed.
And I will tick off this day and start the next..
Again and again.

Time is moving past me..I am grey and not young anymore..and it does not seem to be changing..
I do not feel how I look..never did..or feel my age..never did..
But to anyone else.. I am just that old guy..or that one you ignore..
Or not ignore..but never consider...
I know I am not invisible..just not an option.. or maybe I am not considered.. not available. .
You know..this life does not restrict us to age or looks or status .. or any of the other protected categories.. a person has to explore.. test and see.. go against the norm to go beyond everything to find the one.. the one.. that comepletes you..and them. .the one you are looking for ..the one they are looking for...

If you know someone that you need..
Someone that completes you..
And they are clueless.. wake them up!
Or if they know too.. make sure they know..you know.
Tell them..
Make it known..make it work.

All the rest..everyone else..even those close to you..
At this point.. do not matter..as much as your happiness..your completeness...you will have to continue after they have started their own life.. your relationship will change ..again..as you move into the next chapters.. you will have learned to deprive yourself of knowing what you need or deserve. .after they have created what you wanted for them..their own independant life.
And you will be alone again..as you planned..not intentionally..but in making what you knew they would need. Never thinking about you.
Or where you would be.. now.

I am scheduled to age another year.. soon.
I see the grey haired guy..in my mirror...

Really..waiting for it to go all white..like my dad.

Hello. .November. hello..

R
11/3/16

posted from Bloggeroid

Roofing. ..

I got the call.. I am finally on the schedule.
Friday they will deliver the materials. Monday morning at 7am they will start. After I hand over the downpayment of course.
Then..maybe the week after the gutter guy will come to put on the gutters... and payments start I guess in December.

So.. that basically kills this month. Thanksgiving week Mike is on Vacation. So I am not.
So..unless someone wants to occupy my time here.. I am probably just gonna stay home.

I have to get tires for the El Camino. So I can drive it. At least move it during the roofing job.

If anyone could visit.. for a few days. I could take some time off.
I would bribe someone to come spend time here in dismal Colorado. But.. I know.... Wrong time of year...and too close to the bad travel days.

Too much time off. I guess it is a good thing I am loosing 5 days next year. I can never seem to use more than 10...anyway.

On another note..
I got asked for a booty call..and turned it down.
I know.. why would I do that.. ??
A few reasons. I was tired..dirty..it was late..I had an early long day ahead..I was really not feeling it was anything other than just what it was... good thing because said no.. I was by myself all day at work..I had extra tasks to do..data transfer..repair work...fixing a remote connection..picking up 300 cigarette butts.. and the regular daily tasks.. half a lunch.. and staying til 6.
It was busy as a monday can be.

So.. best that I didnt.
Probably set that bridge a blaze.. but. Its been 3 wks since they came back..and little or no contact. Until last night. It wasnt convienent.
I have been alone at night this long..so what difference does it really make. Yes..it was a sure thing... and yes..I guess I am a dweeb.. after all. 'Ready to go' but.. it would have been a rough day if I got in to work late.. and my assistant called off..and left it all for me.

So.. get the roofing done.. deplete my bank account. And sit at home. Sleep in my empty bed..clutch that pillow for company.

I really tried to use my vacation time early this year.. just had no where to go..

That I could go.

So here I am.. almost November 1.. 60 or so days left..

Then another year... with all its uncertanties.. at least tried will have a new roof..my house will be worth that much more..

R 10/31/16

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