Long weekend.

I guess..long is the key word here.
I had one noteable day out of the 3.
It turned out to be a good day over all.
The rest of the weekend was just more work.
Sunday I went into work and gave a review to an employee..
2 hrs.. blew the rest of the day.. I did get to drive around after..
Aimlessly, but driving none the less. Minor exploring.. but ended with ice cream..
Monday..was yard work and car detailing..a hour on the patio with a fire.. by myself..and now here..
After Saturday. .the rest of the weekend was just long.

I am always happy to go back to work after a long weekend.. but to be honest..my vacation cannot come fast enough. I need to get away..work stresses are at an all time high..and lack of anything to occupy my time is driving me crazy.

I can reset..and keep going..but I have made plans..and have come and gone back and forth ...and realize I need to do this .

So..right now..I am ready..and counting the days.. I need this.

I still have things I want to do for this 15 day trip..none are imperative. .but would be nice... little milestones..tasks to accomplish.

I spent a time rainxing the windows..applying window tint.. waxing.. armor alling.. it is busy work..and really means nothing..to anyone but me.

Its prep.. to keep me ready..

Actually to keep me occupied so I dont feel lonely.. or to notice I am alone..

The reality of it all..just my life.. as it has been..

Shut up.. and drink your beer.

R 5/29/16

posted from Bloggeroid

Sometimes it does not take much

Yes.
A reminder that someone knows and cares.
Yes..
We all tend to get caught up in our own personal messes..and sometimes the stress makes you block out everything..everyone.. and does not let you see...feel..beyond you.
You amplify your issues and forget that you are more..have more to offer..you are stronger than that..you can keep growing and not leave everything..not abandon what works..but grow and accept the positive changes that you truly need.
Yes...
Change and acceptance of change can be good.. it can help you grow more..more than you thought posible.
Yes....
You can make yourself keep going..continue.. continue to live.
You may realize you are new....not old..older..better..better off.
The changes and curves life throws at you are your chance to prove to you that there is more to you than you ever thought. Your friends ..the close friends..the real friends...see all the potential...they do their best to encourage you to take note of it..test it.. make it your reality..but..stubborn you..fight it..its too hard..your too scared..you doubt your strenght..but. . . You are stronger than that..you know it. You have proven it to yourself..and in truth..that is the one that matters..you. your preception of you.
Without that confidence..of your self.. you cant continue. You wont continue..you will stagnate..and withdraw.. and that does nothing for you..except keep you in sorrow and loneliness. Really... is that where you want to be? Really??

So..that means you have to take the chance..if you have to remake yourself to take that step.. do it! Why not? Who is it going to hurt..
The better question is who is it gonna help?.. You!

Yes.....

No negativity here.. be positive..move forward. .not back.. don't stand still. . If you stand still ..everything passes you by. The only thing that finds you are the losers..the slowpokes..
Don't be left behind..dont short change yourself..
You are here.. now..make the best of it. Do it!

Sometimes...you have to look at where you are...why you are there..if it's really where you want to be..and if not..probably not...
Change it! Sometimes it's just a little change that is needed...an attitude adjustment.. Sometimes its a major change..a rethink..more than attitude...lifestyle..or life changing..
Yes sometimes life buries you in lemons..screw lemonade.. dig out..find the Vodka..make a drink and move away from the pile of bitter lemons..find the strawberries!!!

You have always had that vision..dream of what ..or where you want or need to be..that happy place.. that forever after place..no one is going to give it to you..find it..make it.. no one cares if your happy..really.. no one more than you. If you make the effort..it will happen..
Just do not close the door on it..you are smart enough to know what is right..what will make you happy.. isnt that what it is about? Finding what makes you happy..what helps YOU be less alone, less sad? The things in your life that make you smile when you want to cry..those are the things you want in your life. Isn't it?? Well??
WELL????

Stop making excuses..to be sad..it is ok to be happy, you can continue to do the important things in life.
Live , love..and be.. help others..make people smile..grin..
If you dont think you are worthy. . No one else will convince you..

Love yourself. .share your love..and love life.

Yes.

R 5/27/16

posted from Bloggeroid

This day

I realize..
I either have to be alone..
Settle for what is..
Or strive for what could be.

Alone sucks! It can be done..and has ..
Settling..never lasts long..
Striving for what could be..should be.. is never an easy road.
Time shows that the effort usually is worth it..
But, never a guarantee... sometimes..its is chasing a pipe dream.. (see previous posts for that definition).

Me... as the foolish boy I am..will never settle.
I always end up alone..chasing the what could be.
Sad but true.

I figure this year is nearly half over..and I am stuck where I am. For a bit longer. But..

If I am going to be alone for this second half of my life.. I will change..
I will change alot. I will be different..remade.. those that knew me will not .. either want to or realize..
It has been decided. . It is.

This is the only way I will survive the next ...

Where I am..ended up.. is not ..in any way where I was supposed to be.

My mind..has scenarios..untested..not proved.. options if you want..
Changes that should have been..a life that could have been..
I missed the mid-life crisis.. now.. here I am.. here I go.......

Plan..make it happen..

Roscoe lives.

So...lets see if I will go through with it.. plans have been there ... a long time..

I can. I could. I must.

This will be the only warning.

I have nothing.. nothing to lose..

Sorry to those that are..have been .. on the edge..
Time is running out...

Tick tick tick...

Not a bomb.. a point.. turing point.
New beginning..

It is time.
I am just hurting me..here.now.. doing this.
Change will remove the doubt and insecurity. . And need ..

Time to rethink..start over..take what I have learned and apply it..
.

Is it time..
Time to wakeup?

...

R
5/24/16

posted from Bloggeroid

Where I am..

That is a great question.
I don't know.
I have so much in my head. Things I want, things to do...
Its May..I don't know where i've been..or how I ended up here.

I am lost again. I am striving towards a planned vacation..hoping it will fix my mind. I am not sure it will.
I just have no goal. I was headed somewhere..and got detoured.
It happened so fast and boom here I am.
Just working..trying to cling to what is around.. and still failing.

You know..when no one wants your company..you suck. It feels that way. It hurts. I was happy by myself.. after years of fighting to be with someone..and realizing it was was for nothing.. it is so hard to belong again. Now..im alone ..and cannot do anything to fix it.

Too much like my past. Burned and hurting..and withdrawn into me.
Then I had close friends..probably just in the same situation..that understood and helped. Now ..im old and by myself.
I try..and mostly fail.
It isnt easy to branch out..never has been.
I think I have something to offer.. something good. But no one wants it.. no one sees it.
After all this time..being invisible.. I am really not surprised...
Others just dont get me.. I have always been transparent.. I am what I am..and it seems to be a constant. But that is me.. always have been.. I just need someone to realize me.. those that did .. are afraid..yes.. afraid..of me..I have proven I am .. me.

I just cannot figure why.. I have been told.. what I am..is what everyone wants.. but not me.
Puzzling. I have no explanation.. it just is.

I need to be recognized. But after all this time..I still have no idea..how to make it happen.

Yep.. confused. As usual..

R5/20/16

posted from Bloggeroid

Things

Wow!
I have so much running around in my head..
I do not know where to start.

I don't know if I can get to it all.

Damn.. I am lonely.

Ok. Said.. moving on.

What I need .. is not gonna happen.
I m hanging on to what will let me.... and my grip is slipping.
Just a thread.
No mistake.. not what I want. Just that I don't know how to tighten my grip. I feel like i am holding on to a limp hand.. and slipping.
No effort from the other side..
And the weight pullng on my feet .. dragging me down.

Eventually I will have to let go.
I will slip from the hand.. and fall.
Fall away.

It has happened before..i guess I should be used to it.. being the right one..at the wrong time..
The similarity is bothersome..

I never knew then..so why should I know now.
As alike as the people and situations are... they are differnet.. but results are the same.. I am disturbed as to why.
It makes me think..it must be me. Not you or them.. I am the constant.. you are polar opposites.. and yet I seenthe similarity and the exquisite differences.
You are loyal and committed. .and faithful and Insecure... they were none of those..yet so similar..even in the differences..
But ..I am feeling the same.. burned ..confused.. lost.. unworthy. . Grateful for being let in your world... sad because..I didnt make the cut.

And now..im just me..alone. .lost.. sitting here wondering why..and wondering what i should have done differently.

I know ..nothing.. I am me. And usually am 10 or 15 years early.

I will have the occasional friend..but will always be alone.
Exactly my worst fear.

Just the way it must be.

I guess I need to make it appear..I am wanted..otherwise no one will want me..
Proven..if no one wants you.. you are not wanted.
If someone wants you.. you are desired by others..or considered worthy, of being wanted..

Otherwise..you have nothing. And there you are.

Here I am

Just me. That is what it means.
Not much to anyone else.
Just me.

Someday..I will find that person. The one that listens to my soul..and hears my tears and pain.
The person that stops long enough to know..I am real. I hurt. And I feel. I help to help myself. I heal to heal myself.
I know..if I help heal you..you will not want/need a broken soul like me..and you will leave. .leave me wondering..and alone.
But , someday..that person will see. See the me that is more than the healer..helper..the one that listens. .

Just not now..not today.

ISTBA.. what can I say.

R 5/17/16

posted from Bloggeroid

Why do I do this?

I have been thinking about this for the past few.. Days, Weeks..
Been on my mind.  Nothing gives me that  "Ah Ha" realization.
Everything I see.. makes me think I am doing something wrong, or Not doing something.

I wonder. I think. I over think.
I see, and evaluate.

I know it isn't what I think. but  ISTBA is there.. looking over my shoulder.. mumbling..

It is very distracting.

I have conveniently dug the whole I am sitting in.. I have made plans, but don't think i will be able to follow through. Maybe I can.. Maybe it will be better. I am still alone, and act as i have always acted.
Out, Over here, by myself. Nobody wants me, not that way, so going on a trip with several hundred strangers by myself, will be just that.. I will be by myself.  The travel is good. I will get to see things I don't get to see. If it sucks, I can break off and go home.

Maybe I should bring L. It will give me someone to talk with . we can do things together. I have my discount cards set and it shouldn't cost any more for hotels.  But, I need to be away.. from my responsibilities.  Maybe I will find the next - not bad - place to live.

Cool places and things to do, are more fun if you can share them. But not if I am being Dad.. it's not the same. Not like sitting on a beach at midnight in a lifeguard chair looking at the stars and the ships on the water.. that is the special share.. one that means something more.

ISTBA will be there.. grinning at me.. as always.

Less than 2 months away. Just not as excited for it as I was.

Everything else is going no where.. J is gone. I got to see her 2x in the 3 weeks before she left.
had plans to hang out watch TV.. each time something cancelled it. Her going away party, She asked me to be her "Date" so she wouldn't have to drive - she said so.
It was a really early start, 6:00 because of the young granddaughter. Then everyone left by 9:00 and then the drama started. her roommate wen home and he and her nephew got drunk, and the roommate needed our help to keep the nephew from doing something dangerous to himself, so by 3AM he was calm, and I went home. Made for a memorable tense night.
It made me realize why we broke up.. and that nothing had changed.

No one else to talk to.. no ray of light for my day.. no one to make me grin like a fool.
Just ISTBA.. kicking the back of my chair, constantly.

I never was good at hints.. or subtle suggestion.. and when I look for them..
Boy, I always mis-interperet.

ie: If I was to believe my interpretation.. I screwed up!.. I let go..when I should not.. So now it appears I don't care. I am everything that was needed, but didn't fight for it.. I didn't insist.
I didn't make the effort.. I did what I was told.

But, I know that is wrong.. F-Z

I just want real.. easy.. up front honesty.
My head hurts. I should find that.. in my freezer.. and null this brain. (shut - up!.. always chattering..always making me think.. )

Hey ITSBA.. where is my mug?
I should not have stayed home..

And to top this night off.. my weekend plan will be rained out.. so no joy there either..

Blah!

R 05/13/16
11:48p

Hi!

I had a great topic...
But .. I forgot .

So I will post what comes out.

I am divided..
I have so much on my mind.
So many issues..and no resolutions.
No help. No suggestions.
Nothing new.. but really..it still hurts.

I have had people tell me..
You have friends... family. .people you can trust.. can talk to..

Ha!

No.. I am so alone..I have no support. Figure it out for yourself..and shut the hell up.

Yep.. messed it up again. Fell down and failed. Cant help my girl .
She is 20.
Apparently I have failed..to help her adult.
Not sure if I can make a difference after that.

I feel I have ... failed.
Expected too much.

Damn.. sorry L.... I feel like I have failed you.

What do I do now?.

I have no idea...

Damn..

R 5/10/16

posted from Bloggeroid

Decisions

Life is full of decisions.
We hope we are making the right ones.
Even the most important decisions..may need to be changed.
Decision changes do not mean failure..exactly the opposite.
It means you corrected a decision.
It does not label the previous decision as wrong or bad.. just that you were smart enough to change it.

Some of us can only see the negative of changing a decision.
If you step back and see the positive in the change..it means you have given it more thought and made a new decision.
How can that be a bad thing?
It shows you were paying attention and corrected your actions.

Sure.. the change may not have been the right one..but..nothing is stopping you from making the next change.

Ok..I am not sure what brought that topic ..

I know..I make many decisions..in my life. And yes .. can say I regret some. But .. I can not be indecisive. .choices present them selves..and you have to decide..
So you do.
Some you can not take back..some you can.
You have to accept this.
Think and make good choices.

Again..I Don't know where I was going..

Yes..I am by myself. . Thinking about my life..
The things I need to do..and want to do..

Oh the things I want to do..

Nope.. just me dreamin...

Got to go..

R 5/5/16

posted from Bloggeroid

Trying too hard..or not hard enough?

Always the same.. I am either one or the other.
I guess it could be worse..I could not be trying at all.

But .. right now.. nothing is happening with either effort.
I will just have to see what happens.

Ok.. yes.. I did say 'we need to have a conversation' ... you caught me off guard when you asked..because I didnt remember writing that. As I said.. it is a future conversation. .best after a few drinks.. to loosen the tongues and minds.

It is all for my benefit.

I have many questions that only someone like you can answer..
I hope.
I don't know anyone as well as you..that is qualified to help me answer these questions.
It is just somethings that bother me.. relationship wise..that I cannot figure out..and I hope you can shed some light on it for me..
Maybe not...and if so..probably no one can...no one has yet.

If there are answers..it will help me. If not.. nothing new..
I have faith that you and I are close enough..that the information will help.

It isnt anything mind blowing. .just information I dont have. .that I need. But..as I said.. the walls need to be down..so alcohol probably will be the best relaxer.. and in person may be easier.

Sorry..I didnt give a full response when you asked..I just didnt remember why and what I posted.


So..back to tonights topic.

Stood up again.. mostly my fault..semi intentionally... but not.
Had plans to hang out..but worked late..cooked late..dealt with a angry/depressed kiddo..had to go out to deposit a check that came in the mail..needed a shower..and then..texts with no response.. facebook chat..unanswered.. and then..nothing... time for beer.

So.. to little..to late.. life happens and I miss out.
Not a real problem. .just frustrating.

I really need to get my life back in order. Not sure where it went down this road..but something has to change.
I just feel lost..and cannot shake it.
The things that gave me a reason to get up in the morning.
Those things that let me sleep at night .. knowing I am making a difference... are not there.. I dont know why its gone.

I feel I am failing..and the fact that no one is calling me on it..makes me question it.

My purpose..is in question. I have no gauge..no guide.
Aimless..I have plans..but not sure I am going to enjoy it..
No one to share it with.. just a memory for me.
And no one I know will appreciate my experience.
So..do I even bother.. just stay home?
Should I go back to the old me..the one who worked 16 hrs and didnt sleep..and was too busy to be lonely??

Now I know why my dad worked 3 jobs when there was no reason to go home.

I guess I am still lost..
I guess I am still alone.

I guess..

R 5/4/16

posted from Bloggeroid

Yup.. I guess I can't juggle

Honest..
I really try...
But..i am just a guy..
An old guy that never truly learned how

I am doing my best..

Really it is never enough.
I have no idea. .how or what I am supposed to be doing.

I am me..usually that is why you wanted to know me.

But ... here I am.. alone.

Lonely.

Wanting.

Never THE GUY.

Am I not deserving?
Do I need to look elsewhere?

So far just not working.

Well.. it. Could be worse..
I could be aimlessly.. running down that road.. all by myself. .never finding my other.. not making a real difference.

Just existing.

But truly failing... and hurting.


I need to finish my drink and go home.

R 5/3/16

posted from Bloggeroid