Well that sucked.

Last night sucked.
I was asked out, then warned, then invited, then ignored, then left in the cold, then dumped.

Made a fool of, and hurt.

Now back to being ignored.

I know we are not a couple.
But an hour before, you were being ignored, and chose to let me in..
Offered for me to go home with you, then once he was paying attention, you had to get rid of me...
So piss me off, play the game, tell me youll text, and leave with him.

Dont treat me that way, dont get my hopes up then, forget all about me.
You make it hard to be your friend.

You had plans, things for me to do, things for us to do. And now...
Where are we...

None of that will happen if you dont say your sorry.

You have less than a month....

R
2/29/13 3:39p

I ll text you ...

You never do.. I as m a sucker. You know it.
I fall for it every time.

Damn.

I am a jackass.

R 2/28/13 1:34a

Dumb ass

Thats me.

2/28/13 12:30a

So how long should I stay..

Now I feel stupid.
I didnt come here to be alone.
I dont know how long to sit here.

Yeah, ok...

So, getting a dose of my own..
I tried to be cool...
Got out done..

Oh well.

I suck at these games..

I need to walk away and not look back.

Dweeb.

Lol...

Jokes on me..

R 2/27/13 10:46p

All about...

Well that was a bombshell.

She lost her job.

All things falling apart.

She has to go back east now.
She didnt really want to, but now cant stay.

As I said, back to just friends.

We hungout and then fell asleep.

She asked if I could still help with the move. I said I could if I get enough notice to take time off of bby.
Not sure if she is flying or driving too.

We will see.

She left at 9:30a and it started to snow.
I called off of hhsppr.

R
2/24/13 10:04a

One more time

I was getting ready to go out. Stoped to watch a movie.. then pull the clothes out of the dryer. Grabbed my phone off the charger.. checked it.. 10 min before got a text.

Apologised for being a bitch lately.. and stated she needed a friend and to get out of the house,  and a drink!!!...
I asked if she wanted me to pick her up..
I thought she was working...
The reply was shed let me know.
I replied I was leaving for the bar.
She replied ok...
Must be at work still....

We will see what its all about.

R
2/23/13 10:03p

Can I get a manual for this?

I doubt I will figure this out. Even a litttle would be nice..
I got a text wednesday night..
Asked if I was working.. asked what time I was getting out.. asked if I had the truck.. said she was at otb if I wanted to hang out...

i said I was gonna check on L and probably switch cars because it had been snowing.
I went home and quickly shoveled the driveway into the El and got another text .. if you have beer we could go hang at her house, because she really couldnt afford to be in the bar. I said ok and was on my way.

I got there had 2 and got some food and shared it. Then we went to her house.

We sat and talked about what was stressing her and listened to music and finished the 6 pack. It was after 3, by the time we went to bed.
We slept and got up about 10, I went home, shoveled the driveway again and changed and went to work by 11:30a.

She had an overnight on thurs, and after bby I went to OCs to start my mini tour. After I decided to stop in otb to ask Andi about reformatting her computer. And E was there, said the truck was moved to Fri. So we had a couple and I offered to get something for her to eat. And finally a shot for each.

When we were leaving I asked if she wanted to come over, she declined, stating she should go home, had things to do in the morning and such...

So I guess we are back to just friends.
Better than not talking to eachother..

So its Friday, ive had steak with L and came back for a bit..

All as it used to be...

R
2/21/13 10:10p

Wednesday

Ok life is a weird as can be. I dont know what is coming or going.
I am stuck in the middle.of what I should be doing and what I want.
Instead, im chasing thosel that are playing the game I never learned.
R
2/22/13 1:29p

Had to..

So after seeing another post, I sent a msg.. "have you found someone?"

No reply...

So I text.. 'Hey'

No reply...

So I call...

She said she was on the phone...
After asking if she was still on the phone,
I asked whats up, is she seeing someone else?
Does she want me to back off?
She at first said no shes not, I said, come on I know you are, you have been ignoring me, you havent answered a text in 2 weeks.
She saod she has gone out with someone a couple of times...
I asked again if I need to leave her alone, I will. She said somethi ng about it would be awkward if they were in the bar together when I was there.
I said it would be better if you told me.
We dont have anything permanent going on.
She mentioned that 'if' she was leaving... I said so now its 'if' ..
She explained her mom may not get the financing to get the house.. so now shes not sure..

I asked if she was seeing Dave. She said no never. She was done with him.

So I left it with, you know this hurts, I miss you, I miss talking to you, texting and contact. But, I left it at that.

I have removed her notifications from my facebook. Shes still on there, but no longer will notify me of her posts.

Moving to the back of the room..
Shutting up,
Sitting down.

R
2/19/13 3:49p

Got a lot on my head, must have been you..

Cant forget about you...

The Cars.. song in my head...

I dont like loose ends.
You dont like endings.
Its very obvious.. thats how you are.
You move on, and refuse to close a previous chapter..

Just in case...

It sucks for me, cause I dont have much to fall back to. I wish I could just let it go, but there was a lot of effort to try to make sense of it all, and trying to let it become something.

You mistook my generosity for trying to do something it was not. Then it looked like you were taking advantage. Then you got weird about it and didnt want anything from me. If I have it, I share it, its that simple. I wasnt trying to 'buy' you. Just giving freely, it was recriprical, I was very happy to have you in my life, and it hurts to be diacarded. Especially with out a good bye or a get lost or even a let me do this.

Well, got to get you off my mind, its starting to cloud my judgement and getting me down. Just got to figure out how. Im not on call this week, I have my car, I should take off. Drive to clear my head. Wish I could just run...

Responsibility.....

R
2/19/13 7:02a

Now what

Ok, I 'think' I know what is what.
I am probably wrong, but ill go with it for now.
She is seeing someone else, and dont want to tell me, probably afraid of hurting me again.
Shes doing it anyway...
The truth would hurt less.
But, got to realize this is because she is leaving, and dont want to keep after a dead end, just start a temp relationship with someone she can leave.
But, we have unfinished business, and cant sever all ties, it wouldnt be any better.
So, here I am, in my head, with all this crap running through it.
Gonna miss her, even though it has only been what it was..
I dont get her because one minute shes picking out my shirt to wear the next day, and then shes ditchng me.

I miss the daily contact, but I have to back off.. let her be.

I can try moving in a different direction, and hope that leads to a friendship with someone who cares and will allow me to care about them.
Probably too early for that, but one can hope.

We will see what happens in the next few days.

R
2/17/13 7:13p

Saturday again

Here I sit.
Alone, by myself.
My fault,  I didnt text..
Because, your not answering me anyaway....
So, ill have a few, and go home.

ISTBA. has returned to me.

R
2/16/13 9:58p

Definition of Lies

So, tell me you havent been out. Bullshit. -- Saturday --- Wednesday--
tell me you have had a lot on your mind, that is why you dont text..
Bullshit.
tell me nothing is wrong Im not the ass you are.. well......

This hurts so much, cannot describe it,

STOP lying to me.

The truth hurts so much less.

Why do I put up with it.. You know why.. Damn it.

I am too needy.. too desperate.. Damn it...

Someone hit me upside the head, Wake me up,
give me something else.

I hate this feeling.

Used, neglected, desperate.

Loser.

good night, before the alcohol wears off.

R
02/16/2013 1:37a

Lies

Just half truths.

Yep, Crows feet and wrinkles and grey hair..If I was rich like a Rock Star I'd have a buff body because I'd be in the gym with my personal trainer, instead of working 16 hrs a day. Or maybe I should take a 18 mo vacation to just work out every day till I have a buff bod. Then I could be an ass and the girlies would not care..

Had a good night, with an old friend, and ended up not feeling that bad to be so alone.

One can hope.

R.
02/15/13 2:04a

Feb 14

Happy Valentine....

To all of you that have made me wonder what this was supposed to be about,
To you that have taken all I have to give, only to say it wasnt enough,
To you that allowed me to give my heart and soul and then laugh and crush me,
To you that heard me pour my heart out defining my love for you , just to say it was never enough,
To you that never believed I would do what I promised, and accomplish what I set out to do,
To you that left before I fulfilled my expectations and dreams, with or without you,
To you that took me for what I appeared to be, not what I truly was or became,
To you that took me for granted, and never believed I could surpass what I was, and become what I am today..

Happy Valentines Day..

I hope you have found what you want, and or what you deserve.
I have always been there for you, and probably always will, you may never see me again, or talk to me again. 

That is on you, I have always been who I am today, and if you really took the time to know me, you would realize that. I cannot dwell on those of you that chose to move on, and may or may not regret it..

I remain, the will that I was when you first met the real me. I do not hate, I just may not Love anymore, because truthfully, some of you have been harsh, and mean and cruel.. Thank you.. you made me a better person.. I now know, if I didnt then, how not to be.

Remember this, because I know I have told you in the past, If you need me, I will be there for you.
If you chose to use me you may not like the results.

I have forgiven the worst of you, and you  have moved on, because that is the way it should be..but even the one or two that hurt me the most, will always have my attention if it is needed.  I am and will always be that way. I have proven it. But don't try to take advantage of me, because know this.. if you think you can, or have, I know and I allowed it..you didn't make me.. I did it maybe because I thought I could help you, or I could help learn never to treat someone as you have me. I care, but not to a fault. I love you all.. and probably always will.

Happy Valentines Day to you..

R
2/14/2013 1:00am

As far as i know

As far as I know, I have done nothing wrong.
If the non-responses are because she is being obediant.. or faithful.. that makes no sense.

If it is because I did not offer any options, its because you made it so I couldnt.

If its because you feel guilty again of being a 'jackass' your words not mine.. why punish me?

If you dont remember saying you were being a 'jackass'.. and are again... sorry I guess I am just thick.

If something in the 3 month schedule has changed, you would think tou could explain it to me. I want to know.

But, since you wont answer me..
I guess ill never know.

R
2/13/13 3:41p

Just occured to me...

Ok, maybe im overthimking this (who me) it has been 2 days since you posted anything, or answered ant texts..
I s
Assume you have been in contact with him, probably by phone.. and dont have time for me or anyone else.
But when your with me, you cant stay off facebook or texting or even calling people.

Am I to assume I mean that little?

Just finding my place in this..

I do not deserve this type of treatment.

And You know it.

R
2/11/13 4:14P

On my mind

Yep, its been on my mind all day.
I dont deserve to be lied to.
I havent done anything.

I get your confused/torn about how you feel. You wont \ havent let us get any closer, for what ever reasons.  And now this.
I can only guess that what I think is how it is. And with you leaving, it dont matter. Not to you.

I was told I was being foolish. Not following my own advice. So shame on me.

DUMBASS

I guess ill wait for the explanation.

I will forgive, because that is who I am.

R
2/10/13. 2:30p

Smarter than i should be sometimes

I guess I am not as quick as I could be, but I do figure it out..

Not Jackass. but Dumbass

She has been lying to me, and playing me.

I am gullible and here to be used.

I just hate it when i am right.

Saturdays are his, Fridays and Tuesdays are mine.

Not sure if he gets any more.

Dumbass.

I hate being lied to.
I begin to doubt everything I am told.

I am giving up. 

I dont deserve this.

DAMN

I feel really bad, used and hurt.

And I know she wont talk to me about it.

Ache in my heart.

I got nothing....

:(

R
2/10/13  2:40a

A mind is a terrible thing...

Over thinking again.
Got some info today,
And now over thinking.

He lives here now...
Every sat she is unavailable..
Mind is going there..

It was mentioned that he contacted her. But just in passing.
I sort of ignored it.

Maybe I should have asked..

Naw...

Just need to be forthcoming...

Spell it out.

Maybe thinking too much . Probably nothing at all..

R
2/9/13 11:08p

How do you know?

Ok, past history...
How does one know if your not being told the truth?
Doubt..
This seems similar...
I hate not being able to trust.
I should, but my mind goes places..
Totally unfair.
I can accept the truth.
I actually prefer blunt cold hard facts.
Less pain when it comes down to it.

I can get over the truth, lies, even when your trying to spare my feelings hurt, and cause doubt.

We will see..

No more on this topic for now.

R 2/9/13 5:19p

Here we are

No need for the stress.
Moving to the here and now (at least for the next three months)
All is as it was..
Was able to finish the late night at work early. Go to see E , had a couple
We came home and talked about a lot. And I see that it is as it is.. nothing short of me going to PA.
We know that cant happen for a while if at all.
In that time I maybe out of the picture.
Still dont know how the feelings are..
Are feelings being allowed, listened to..or supressed, ignored...
Which puts me in that limbo state.
Am I allowed?
Im told I am a bit intense, sometimes...
Yeah, I know...  but I did go from not wanting or needing anything... to yes, its worth going after...
So ... now im intense...
I know you dont know what you want either.
Or more likely know what you can have.

R
2/9/13 1:37p

New phone

Yep, the last one finally died. No video. So, new phone, ..it must not work.. I sent a couple of texts and asked a few simple questions, and got no replies, the phone must not work ..
R
2/08/13 8:11p

3 months

So now that io have scared you off...
I see that all I have done is for nothing.

You give me facts..
Nothing to be able to change.
This is this.. and that is that...
Not like I can suggest anything..
Even if I did,  the way it was presented, if I was to suggest, I would look like thbe selfish asshole, making everything difficult, down right impossible....

I could make you a very happy person, and you would do the same..

Hmmmm..

Good night..
R 2/06/1am

Sunday

Yep got a call, came out, had a few.
Was asked.. ina round about way..
Now not sure what is gonna happen.

I can hope.
I always hope.
With the possibility of her leaving.
I don't know how do figure out what to do or feel.
I asked if I can visit..
But its too early..
Too many details to be determined.

She did mention she could stay with me, but because of the roomate...

Bummer.

Not sure.

R
2/4/13. 12:09a

Weeks

It has been a few weeks since the last posing,
Lots going on, but the latest is more like the norm.
This week was long, and Friday was fantastic.

Lots of concern and uncertainty, if things go a certain way, E may move home, and since I don't know how or where we are I don't know if I can feel about it.
I will be sad if it happens, but happy for her because she will be home and near Hers.
We have not talked about it..
Not sure if we will. Its in her court.

We click, when she let's it. 
I could (should say already) start to like clicking with her.
A lot could be expanded on our relationship, but it has to happen with a push in the right direction.

Well out with me..
Gonna have a couple..

R
2/2/13 10:11 p