mid month-dont read this

Here we are..

I am sort of ready.. I need to do a few things.. I should buy some summer clothes.. I should buy a spare tire..but I do have AAA.. although there will be spots of the trip isolated from civilization. .  

I still need to decide the return route..and plan for hotels..

Not sure if I am going to hit North Dakota then drop to the springs..or go to the Springs first then head up to North Dakota..and then back east.

..I probably should go to North Dakota first..which means all across Montana..then decide if I have enough time to go to Colorado or not.

Montana will be awesome! 

I will take pictures and maybe a log book of places to revisit..or avoid..

(Note..I need to look up my old boss..he is Montana somewhere...) 

....

Another topic...

Why is it , when I have an interested person..that I hold off rushing in to with..even when im sure..when I finally open up and confess my feelings to..they ghost me? 

More than once..they were the one who initiated or re-initated contact.. and once I agreed..then told them how I felt..or always felt..they were done with me.. some were 'leave me alone' others were..lets see how long he will keep trying now that I have lost interest..maybe he will just give up.........

Then there are the ones that have no idea why they ghosted me..and regret it later.. but never come clean to me..

It could be, I just suck..and should not be looking for a person to have a relationship with.. Im not meant to be any thing other than a friend..

I was lucky enough to have my daughter with my lesbian wife before I was told I was not worthy.

(Must have been worthy enough, we were together 20 years... But it is what it became..).. and here I am..where I always am.

.

In all honesty..I dont have many 'friends' ..

And as much as I deny it..I cannot be friends with a woman(1 or 2 exceptions) with out thinking of them naked.. or more... Truth..

But, probably because I am usually not in a relationship..

Im pretty sure when I was in a steady relationship..I had female friends I didn't think about beyond friends..

If I did..I would definatly refuse any advances.. I have done that.. refused. 

Not that any of that matters to anyone but me and my integrity...

..

Enough about that..

Here I am.

Unsure..in limbo..

Rationalizing all the non-contact..

Too busy, sick, understaffed, poor schedules.. too tired..too many texts in a day to seperate mine from the camera notifications.. and work..

Really low on the priority list..

..

I just dont matter..and was friendzoned in Feb..I just didnt accept it.

..

As always.. alone..

..

Sorry.

....

R