ready for a tough week

Ok.  Here we are.. my only day off.

Im covering a vacation.. 

I start tomorrow, Sunday, and work 6 days .. 3:30p to 11:30p. All 8ths. No 10's.. except, Tuesday.. I have to meet soneone at the transmitter at 3:00p.  All that means is instead of 7am start of my commute its 1p.. and I wont get home till 12:30a . 

It also means im working the 4th . 

And then next weekend I have a regular weekend.. then work Tuesday and Wednesday, and leave from work to start my road trip..

Drive straight through to Albuquerque..hopefully arrive Friday.

...

So, my only day off, and L had a bad night last night, ans is grumpy tonight and tired..so no conversation.

..

I did laundry, groceries, picked up the mail.. repaired my radio antenna, and set thw SWR.  Installed my new phone mount... 

I bought stuff for the car.  And need to get mu camera equipment sorted and packed. See how many memory cards I have and need.. I need to look for the laundry bag and check my luggage and backpacks.

..and look at the return trip and book some rooms..

Just a few things left...

Then I am gone.....

R

tasks.. to keep my mind clear

Its the weekend.. I have been chore driven.. been shopping for trip clothes.. bought a tripod for one of the cameras..

Fixed 2 radios and got them boxed up for shipping on Monday.. one the check is in the mail..the other.. paid and banked. 

I ordered some car parts...for the other cars.. and paid bills. 

Washed my linens and remade the bed. Tomorrow.. if it isnt raining..mow the lawn.. maybe vacuum.

Its Pizza night..so no dinner worrys..

Need to find some afternoon diversions..

I have a couple ideas..

Mainly depends on how late I sleep.

....

Just so it is said..kinda out loud..

Im feeling ghosted..or friendzoned..

Permanently... The contact is really limited..and mostly one sided.. 

No real conversations in months..

Im hurt. And very confused. 

Im not perfect by any stretch of the word..but..Im also not a stalker. . Or a violent guy.  Im not looking to take anything from anyone.. I only want someone to want me around. 

I dont think I ask too much..

Is it too much to ask to be included..

Maybe it is.

..

Sure..I can be just friends.. 

Been there before..

Hell, its where I have always been..

..

I wish life would stop teasing me.

Im old and tired of following the brick road.. only to find..the wizard is only man behind the curtain.. and only gives you what you already had.

Unfortunately..if it has not been enough.. it still isnt...and here we are..just us.. keeping on..

...

Yeah, a bit dark.. 

But friends are all I have.. 

There are few of those.

..

I will move the marker down to a blank spot.. it isnt gonna happen.. not even for a little... 

Too bad.. 

For us and me...

......

R

summer is here...

Here we are. 

Busy is half the problem.

Work has experienced another 'alignment' we lost 6 people..

Friday we had to cover the parade and a remote event..

We have been preparing for both. For weeks.. resurrecting old technology to be able to have communication..

I had several tasks. Some were unsuccessful..but informative, a few were fixed and I get a gold star! 

It did not go unanoticed or unappreciated! 

I feel I earned my pay..

And am earning my vacation.

Last week I worked a holiday..and a full week plus 1day of coverage.. so 2 extra days pay..all OT.. next week should be a normal work week..

We will see..

The week after.. im working the holiday.. so 10 hrs, with 2 hrs OT..and 8 hrs holiday pay..and I am working Sunday and Monday..both 8 hours as coverage..all OT.. 16hrs.. 

So it will be a full week.

Then.. the week after.. I work Tues and Wednesday.. and start my vacation.. Im leaving from work at 7pm for Albuquerque.. 

Yes, alone...

...

My car has decided it wanted more attention than I was giving it..so it popped up a sensor code and several engine misfire codes, related to the sensor code shutting down the fuel injectors to put it in limp mode.. i cleared those and the car ran fine for 3 days..so I could get it into the dealer for them to tell me since the recommended fix they charged me for 10 days ago didnt work, I probably need a new sensor that requires changing the radiator and the fan shroud..the fan shroud has been reported as causing contamination to the radiator sensor.. can we say manufacturung defect... So a new radiator, including the glued in sensor , a new shroud and labor is inly$5400!!! 

Have i mentioned that the dealer offered to let me trade in my car for a newer used car..and offered me $1800 for the trade in.... 

The issue is the sensor is contaminated by the fan shroud and it is integeral to the radiator..literally its superglued, and bolted to it.

The sensor has a tip that goes into a hole in the radiator..the tip is glued in place... But... There is a second unused hole, so you can replace the sensor by breaking it off and moving the new one to the second hole.

Not that the dealer will do any of that..just change the parts.. and charge me..

...

So.. if I am gonna drive this rally..roughly 10,000 miles round trip..  im gonna bring my code reader and clear the limp mode and keep driving..... 

Since they checked out the car.. they did find my engine mount broke ..again.. most likely causing the vibration I noticed last week...I had just replaced it last year.. 12 months and 2 weeks ago... ( Yes it only had a 12mo warranty) So I ordered a new one.. original equipment part.  It will be here next week.. 

So I will do that next weekend...

..

This weekend.. I have laundry and need to do some clothes shopping and some house cleaning.. mow the lawn..and some radio work..

Then book some rooms for the trip home.. and nail down the return route.. 

It looks like my best option is to leave seattle, visit Oregon.. then head east to Montana..head all the way across Montana into North Dakota..Bismark.. then drive 11 hrs to Colorado and spend a day or two visiting friends then head home.

I will have completed the lower 48.. US states.. and seen the one place I have always wanted to see.

It will be a great adventure..

I have my new phone with the great camera.. a small camcorder..a Nikon digital SLR..and a commercial grade panasonic video camera.. chargers extra batteries..and cables and a camera pole.. I need a light tripod and more memory cards..  

I may borrow a small tent from a guy at work..

...

Too bad no one to share it with...

R

time to post this..probably way too late

I wrote this February 16th...

Generally, I just want to spend time with you, do what you want to do. Just be with you. Helping you get things done, or just taking you away from the regular day to day and spend time together. 

The last thing I want is for you to have to work on my behalf.. hospitality is one thing, but I don't want to be a burden.. I want you to have fun with me..not think that you have to wait on me when we are together.. 

I think the average person cannot grip that they can provide all I need by  being present.. they don't have to do anything. Just be with me.

I am happy that you came back into my life. 

I am hoping you have room for me ..

I want to ask you something..

When you and I reconnected..

What did you think? Were you looking for me ? Did you just realize it? Or were you just looking for a friend..old or new and here I was? 

Where did you hope it would go? 

We talked about a lot of things . 

You actually invited yourself on my roadtrip.. I was good with it.. I saw it right away..

It got me thinking.. which is why I kept in contact and wanted to know more .. 

You kept asking me if I still wanted to be involved with you.. if I was getting scared off..

Not.

Then as I helped around the barn ..you asked if I was still interested in being a part if your life and responsibilities...

I kept coming back ...

If you let me, I will keep coming back.

..

Honestly..no pressure.  

If its too much . .. tell me . 

I will back off . I will stop. 

I will turn off the switch..and just be your friend.. 

It will be hard . But ..really...I had to do that before with you.. years ago.. so..I know I can again. 

I do value your friendship..

You are an unique person and have a way about you that I will want in my life for the rest of time..if allowed.

..

The flip side of this..  we work at figuring out how to make this grow past this bump..

Add a little more sunshine and a bit more fertilizer, a little less rain..

You keep letting  me in ..for a bit .

I hope thats because you realize you want this ... 

I hope its not out of pity for me..

I want this..I want you to want me.

If you have doubts. .. about anything..

Talk with me..

Dont shut me out.. don't push me away.

..

If all you want is a friend.. ok.. 

Reluctantly I will conform..

If your still unsure ..or really don't know . Tell me that too .

If there is something I can do..ask.

If after all this, you dont know .

I want you in my life.

....

R

mid month-dont read this

Here we are..

I am sort of ready.. I need to do a few things.. I should buy some summer clothes.. I should buy a spare tire..but I do have AAA.. although there will be spots of the trip isolated from civilization. .  

I still need to decide the return route..and plan for hotels..

Not sure if I am going to hit North Dakota then drop to the springs..or go to the Springs first then head up to North Dakota..and then back east.

..I probably should go to North Dakota first..which means all across Montana..then decide if I have enough time to go to Colorado or not.

Montana will be awesome! 

I will take pictures and maybe a log book of places to revisit..or avoid..

(Note..I need to look up my old boss..he is Montana somewhere...) 

....

Another topic...

Why is it , when I have an interested person..that I hold off rushing in to with..even when im sure..when I finally open up and confess my feelings to..they ghost me? 

More than once..they were the one who initiated or re-initated contact.. and once I agreed..then told them how I felt..or always felt..they were done with me.. some were 'leave me alone' others were..lets see how long he will keep trying now that I have lost interest..maybe he will just give up.........

Then there are the ones that have no idea why they ghosted me..and regret it later.. but never come clean to me..

It could be, I just suck..and should not be looking for a person to have a relationship with.. Im not meant to be any thing other than a friend..

I was lucky enough to have my daughter with my lesbian wife before I was told I was not worthy.

(Must have been worthy enough, we were together 20 years... But it is what it became..).. and here I am..where I always am.

.

In all honesty..I dont have many 'friends' ..

And as much as I deny it..I cannot be friends with a woman(1 or 2 exceptions) with out thinking of them naked.. or more... Truth..

But, probably because I am usually not in a relationship..

Im pretty sure when I was in a steady relationship..I had female friends I didn't think about beyond friends..

If I did..I would definatly refuse any advances.. I have done that.. refused. 

Not that any of that matters to anyone but me and my integrity...

..

Enough about that..

Here I am.

Unsure..in limbo..

Rationalizing all the non-contact..

Too busy, sick, understaffed, poor schedules.. too tired..too many texts in a day to seperate mine from the camera notifications.. and work..

Really low on the priority list..

..

I just dont matter..and was friendzoned in Feb..I just didnt accept it.

..

As always.. alone..

..

Sorry.

....

R

less than a month

The road trip is near.. 29 days to the start, less 3 for travel.. 

..

I got the spare car inspected..all good ! Hard work and determination..

So im planning minor maintanence.. oil, tire rotation..maybe add a catch can.. some engine treatment and fuel treatment.. a real washing..maybe some windshield wipers.. 

And some stickers.. 

..

I have a list of need to bring.. and still have not figured my return path.

..or even any plans for the 2 free days in the middle.. 

..

I plan on lots of pictures, car videos, camcorder, photographs and phone too.

.. 

It will be a trip to remember..at least for me...

..

Work has blessed me with OT for Fathers day, and having to work the 4th of July.. Juneteenth is mid week and i expect i have to work that.. so unless i get a request for a Sunday night into monday night... Im not going far.. till the 10th of July...

..

My friend rescued me last Monday, needed a co-pilot, and got me away from home for a few hours. I enjoyed that. 

..

My other friend did not connect last week to make a payment on the loan.. 

Speaking of loans.. the Fed, has not figured out that is paid off.. soon i hope..

I need to plan out July's bills.. and make sure i pay them while im off having a drive across America...

..

So, my last contact was a wave on Monday.. its Thursday night..my last message was an unanswered honest question on Tuesday..

Work has plenty to keep me occupied..

I did get a msg from A a couple days later..she ia still ok..and still alone..

Glad to know she is ok.

..

Another contact out of the blue was K .. wanted to add me .. and then sent a few texts.. still doing ok ..from what i can tell.

..

So, thats 4.. and limited from who i want to be in contact with...

Thats my life...

..

Tomorrow is my late start, late finish i need to go to the transmitter site before news then hang till 11:30p..  no plans for the weekend..except working Sunday eve..earlier if basket ball is a win..or just late if not..then Monday off and a full week.. so plenty of pay.. 

And a definite need for that road trip.. 18-20 days.. 

....

I really do not know..

Really.

...

R

car

Ok.. took it in.. for the state inspection.. it failed! ...

One, for the right reverse light..

It dont come with one... Ok ignore that.. 

Two.. the emergency hazards dont work...turns out.. the module i replaced had a bent pin in the connector.. i tried to straighten it..it broke... So I repaired it.. all good..but too late to reinspect today..wait till Monday..

Getting closer to a viable spare car.

Almost a year after i bought it.

...

Ok.. so im working last night.. 

I get a call over messenger..

The ex-wife.. she is distressed..

Needed someone to talk to..

I win.. 

Her other, has been gone.. a week or so..no contact.. I figure a repeat of past events.. I let her talk/vent ..

I think it is what she needs.. an ear.. 

Eventually she realizes im at work and ends the call. 

I hope she is ok..and it works out..

..really.. nothing I can do but listen.

..

Limited contact..as usual..

A few morning msgs.. and some limited back and forth..but not much.

Im zoned..i guess.. 

The trip is coming fast.. options for planes are going away.. 

Ive heard nothing about the 4th.. so that is probably a bust..

Her sister went to Machu Pichu.. so she didnt do that.. too busy with work and farm.. 

Too bad.  For us...

I wish it was more of a relationship..

But its just a friendship..

As it has been for years..

I am in love..

But that is totally on me.

...

I really thought I stopped getting so attached.. I thought I could .. just be uncomitted .. but ..the old training..to be one minded and to find the one you want to be with.. with the hope that they want to be with you too...

If not.. you can or bottle that emotion and walk away.

Deal with the hurt and rejection..or just the onesided attraction.. and move on..as you have done  ovwr and over.. 

I have had little success being the dog..that just looks for my own.. and moves along.. I have always needed to feel something.. beyond lust.. 

Which is why I am still with out..I guess. 

...

I will have my road trip..places to see that I have never been.. and places I have always wanted to go.. and ..no one to share it with..

Just my mind.. and memories..

...

R

Thursday..

The week has been long, poor sleep.. wondering if i am keeping up at work.

I am trying to get the sheduled tasks done and the daily tasks too.

I was reminded to do one project, but it depends on B and his plans. We did get one task started today.. and no movement on the other. 

I have other things to keep me busy.

The next is a another lighting project.. this time replacing and upgrading to LED some older offices.. got to ask the Manager if he wants me to order the parts

..

I finally cleaned the original Catalytic converter, and removed the new one and installed the cleaned one. So far it looks like it is gonna work.

So i will need to get a state inspection sticker and it can be safe to use.

..

welcome to June

So June.. I did not get the cat pulled. Nor did I clean the old one, yet.

I did get a call from the place I bought the cat.. informing me of the procedure to get a refund or replacement. Based on my bad review.. at least they read them.

I am still planning on cleaning one, and removing and installing it. I will take the pictures and submit my 'mechanics' report..maybe I can get a refund..

Hopefully the cleaning works...

Then I can get a inspection sticker and have no more issues with that.

...

4 days.  No responses.. today two letters.. Hi...

..

I think Jeff is right..I was friend Zoned in February... And that is that.

My outpouring of my heart and feelings..meant nothing...

..

Im not happy about that..

It has almost been a year.  18 days short.. I am just a friend.. I guess.. 

Too bad.. I got hooked long ago..and thought we could make the best of it..and could have some kind of future..but.. that was wishfull thinking.. 

Im old.. and my time is short..

And hoping for a partner to share the rest of my life.. is what it always has been.. not for me.. 

My options have been limited by my reservations..all my life.. I cannot see what I need, I cannot find what I want... So here I am.. just me.. 

Always.. 

...

I screwed this up.. 

.. 

I cannot fix it. .. I do not know how.

...

Honestly, I dont mind having friends..I have so few...

It is not like I have other options begging for a chance. 

It seems I have always been the one begging..wishing and hoping..

As always..I think I have made a good impression, we can connect and can have conversations..but either I am too slow, or miss the queues.. or im just not what they thought I was.. 

I have tried not being pushy, taking it slow...trying to build something..

Then then their intrest wanes and I just look foolish.. and loose any ground I had. 

...

So, I was looking at the vacation calendar.. aparently the 8hr / day rule isnt going to apply.. so when I put in my time it will be for 100 hours time off. My acruals equal 64.. so I will owe or wont get paid for a week.

July 11 through the 29th.. 

I will make the trip worth it. 

My friends in Oregon moves back to Colorado..so I wont be spending time in Oreqon, just passing through..

If I go to North Dakota..I probably wont be spending time in Colorado Springs.. it will add more driving time and maybe a day.. I could skip ND.. but I may never have another chance..it is something to ponder.. it would have to be on the return.. so making sure I have enough time to get home is important.. and being a solo driver.. I can only drive so much per day. 

Not knowing how I am returning, I have not booked any return hotels..

It may have to be on the way.. gauge out the travel and route.. book a day in advance.. or not at all.  Just sleep in the car.. 

...

I hope the trip isnt as lonely as it sounds...

..

 R